topic Partner with anxiety in Supporting family and friends

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 22:37:54 GMT

Hi.

first time poster. My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We are engaged and have a geougous 20 month old son.

I am really starting to struggle with her emotion and moods. She suffers from anxiety and doesn't take her medication. When she does take them and has been on them for a while she is amazing. But she will feel better than completely stop taking them. It's at the point now where I can't even ask a question without it becoming a huge fight. And the fighting always comes down to me not doing enough (which is where I start to feel helpless and i shut down)

She is always telling me I don't do enough. Whatever she tells me I need to do more of i do it but than she finds something else that I don't do.

Each day I get up make lunches. Pack school bag. Get our son up and ready for daycare. We drop him off together and pick him up together. If we eat at home she cooks most of the times than after dinner ill bath our son and get him ready for bed. Than ill do dishes clean the kitchen and tidy the house. On my day off (while she is at work) I mow the lawn clean the bathroom. Tidy the house, vacuum and do at least 2 loads of washing. Get dinner ready. All while looking after my son. And most of the time it's still not enough.

We eat out alot because she feels like something for dinner and if I suggest just eating at home it starts another fight so I just agree now. So we probably spend $200 a week eating out or takeaway. And she complains we have no money or savings.

We also have our neice every 2nd sunday so that makes it hard to do family things. Which is another issue because she is always asking me to plan little adventures but when I do she doesn't want to do it or makes different plans. If i ever do something for myself it ends up in a fight because we could be doing family stuff and it doeset benefit the family at all.

I dedicate my whole life trying to make her happy and to be the best i can for her and I feel it's still not enough.

Do you think I should do more or is there something I'm doing wrong? I have told her I am really struggling with her emotions and moods and it came back on me being the problem. I don't know what to do. Any help is very much appreciated

Partner with anxiety

Quercus — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 01:22:13 GMT

Hi Wiggy76,

Welcome to the forums firstly. I'm really glad you joined us and spoke up and hope to see you joining in around the forums wherever you feel helpful to you.

Want a strangers opinion? Far out your wife is pretty damn lucky. I'm sure you have your own faults and issues and quirks just like we all do but my goodness you help a hell of a lot more than most blokes I know.

Sometimes we need to speak up and call our partner out on their crap. Yes your wife is dealing with a MI. But that isn't an excuse to take you for granted. There is a good thread pinned to the top of the carers section by a user called Carmela which is worth a read. It talks about care for the carer. If you can't find it let me know ok and I'll send the link.

If you continue like this what do you think will happen? You'll burn out I suspect. Or resent your wife maybe? All possible. You are trying too hard in my mind. She has to take responsibility too. It isn't reasonable to want you to work and clean and cook and care for bub and demand a lifestyle you can't afford to maintain.

At some point you're going to need to say no and if that upsets her so be it. You're a team. There is no point trying to give and give and feel like a martyr (I'm guilty of this so please don't think I'm judging... Far far from it).

My new approach is demand what you offer. If you give love and care and support and respect then that's what you deserve in return. People who aren't willing to give that don't deserve the level of care you give.

Time for a frank and honest talk with your wife do you think? Maybe she has no idea you feel this way? Maybe if you speak openly she will see things differently? Who knows. But at the end of the day only you know what is right within your own marriage and what your limits are. My opinion is just that... An opinion you can choose to disregard if it doesn't work for you.

I hope to see you joining in. The forums are a lovely place to share with others.

Nat

Partner with anxiety

Birdy77 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 02:21:20 GMT

Hi Wiggy,

I agree with Nat, you sound like you are doing sooooo much, at least if not way more than your fair share in the household.

You said that the problem really stems from your partner not taking her medication properly, that she is great when she's on track with her meds, but then stops and it goes back to this (what i think is unreasonable and untenable) situation. I have absolutely no experience with this, but is there someone you can talk to to encourage her to stay on her meds? I guess her gp/psychiatrist has a patient confidentiality thing, but you will burn out, as Nat rightly pointed out, and you have not only your relationship to think of, but the wellbeing of your precious son.

You are being so supportive and so strong, but you will run out of steam.

Have you thought of seeing a counsellor for yourself, to get some advice?

My heart goes out to you.

Sending positive vibes your way. You're a strong and caring person. Extend that care to yourself.

🌻🌻🌻 warmly, Birdy🌻🌻🌻

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 03:23:55 GMT

Something I'll add. She works 4 days a week as a assistance branch manager at a bank (has Thursdays off). I work 4.5 days a week as a tyre fitter (have wednesdays off) plus 2 nights a week as a dishy in a kitchen for extra cash which goes to the groceries and such. Plus I spend my lunch breaks at work doing stuff to try start a business. Which takes up none of her or family time. This is a big issue to her because she (works so hard) and earns more than me. So it becomes an issue aswell. Should it be an issue. Sorry just really trying to find out if I am the problem

Partner with anxiety

Birdy77 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 03:32:53 GMT

Hi Wiggy,

What is it that becomes an issue? Is it that she earns more than you do? Is that what you mean? (Sorry, i just wasn't sure what you meant).

You are working 2 jobs and trying to start your own business during your lunch breaks. I'm exhausted just thinking about it ...

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 03:37:11 GMT

The whole part is an issue. Working 2 jobs so not home 2 nights a week. And that she earns more Than me and doesn't want to support me or any hobbies I have because she earns more. I could find a better paying job but I work for my parents and am very heavily relied on after some people resigned. And i have alot of freedoms working there to.

Partner with anxiety

Birdy77 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 04:11:19 GMT

Oh Wiggy,

This all sounds really unfair to me.

As Wuercus said, this is from a stranger's perspective, but it sounds like the relationship isn't fair and balanced.

You sound like you're doing all you possibly can to try to make her happy (which isn't enough apparently), as well as helping on the family business and starting your own.

I know you said you've tried talking to her about your feelings but she seems to turn it back onto you being the problem.

Would couples counselling appeal to you?

How would you feel about going to a counsellor yourself and talking through these problems, they might be able to help you with some strategies.

It sounds like communication with her at the moment is very difficult ...

I really feel for you.

It's really important you don't burn out. Sounds like you don't get much opportunity for self-care and interests/hobbies of your own ... these things are important for keeping yourself mentally healthy. Just because you don't earn as much as she, doesn't mean you don't have the need and tight to downtime, hobbies and interests. We all need self-care time. Would this be a convo you'd feel comfortable bringing up with her?

Your wellbeing is really important, not just for you but for your bub and for the family. I'm possibly repeating myself now, sorry ...

I'm worried that you're going to run out of steam.

🌻 birdy

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 04:33:19 GMT

Exactly right. She turns it all back onto me being the problem. She suggested couples counseling. I was hesitant than a few weeks later agrees. And it ended up in a fight again because if she suggested its not good enough but if I suggest it it is 😔

Iv tried talking to her about it but it never works. She has told me before she doesn't want to be with me but the next day she is fine again. Everytime there's a argument she says she wants to leave but I won't let her. I'm trying to fix things and if she wants time she can have it. Im not stopping her. Because I want it resolved. But its drummed into my head that I am the problem. I really feel like I am the problem atm

Partner with anxiety

Birdy77 — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 10:31:11 GMT

Wiggy, i don't think you're the problem, i think the communication is the problem and maybe the fact that she doesn't take her medication properly is a real issue.

I think counselling for you or maybe for you both with couples counselling is the best way of dealing with your situation

That's my take on it anyway. Not sure what others may give their two cents worth.

But i think you're doing all you can andif you do more, you're going to burn out.

Take care of you.

Let me know what you think of what i said.

Warm regards, birdy 🌻🌻🌻

Partner with anxiety

Quercus — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 01:01:34 GMT

Hi Wiggy76,

Birdy77 has said it all better than I could think to word it.

You're not the problem.

My first thought and gut instinct....

Stand up for yourself. Often and strongly.

I'm like you... The default is to try appease and please others. But sometimes we just get walked all over. And once people get used to walking over us it is hard to make them stop.

Your time and care and respect and opinion is worth the same as your wife. It doesn't matter what you earn. If this continues you will burn out. Or leave (her loss). Or she will leave (her loss). And where does that leave your baby? With parents fighting or absent.

Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean being angry or emotional. It means asking for the same respect that you offer your wife.

I tried this recently. Just took a deep breath and calmed down and started saying what I felt.

Hubby woke up from night shift and got irritated at the water everywhere outside (the kids were "washing" their bikes). I didn't respond. Kept sipping my coffee and looked at him and said... So what? It's water. They're watering the lawn. I'm not screeching trying to contain the mess. I'm chilled. We're outside so it's quiet for you to sleep. Did you get some sleep? Yes. So what is the big deal? Sit down and have a cuppa with me. End of drama! My Goodness it was simple.

A harder one... Hubby woke up angry. I was in a slump. The toys were everywhere the kids were feral and I'd given up cleaning the same area for the 50th time. He was in a foul mood all day. So was I. We put the kids to bed and I had had enough. Told him I had had a gutful. That I was off to have a shower to wash away my crap mood as best as I could. That it is his choice... he could sulk on the couch and go to bed angry or he could strip off and wait for me in the bedroom and we'd try the angry sex thing. The look on his face was priceless. He told me didn't have to like me all the time but he loved me. We ended up talking about what the real problems were (work and finances).

You've got this Wiggy76. Stand up for yourself.

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 21:44:25 GMT

That is some great advice.

I have tried standing up for myself in trying to explain situations that upset her from my point of view. And it doesn't work. I will try your way and see how it goes. I habe bottling to lose at this point.

Thanks very much for your help

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 21:45:27 GMT

Sorry. Nothing to lose at this point

Partner with anxiety

Birdy77 — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 22:18:00 GMT

Wiggy, let us know how you get on.

Birdy.

Partner with anxiety

Quercus — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 05:07:35 GMT

Hi Wiggy76,

Glad to hear you found it helpful. Hopefully a new approach works for you too (and you don't end up cursing my dud advice 😊).

Just keep calm. My pitfall is seeming too aggressive (assertive doesn't come naturally to me). I have to remind myself calm and gentle but firmly state how I feel and what my boundaries are.

I truly hope it helps you find a happy medium with your wife. You married eachother after all... There's got to be some love and respect there to rekindle.

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 10:51:41 GMT

Hey guys back again

things have turned pretty bad the last month. She has told me numerous amounts of times that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. And that I still don't do enough (now it's banking, organising holidays, nights out and such) I understand i can do more of that but my head has scrambled and iv started seeing a psychiatrist myself. I'm really struggling with trying to fix myself, our relationship and trying to manage her anxiety and stress. The psychiatrist says I need to work on myself first before trying to fix the relationship and help her. But that won't go down well with her at all. On top of this she wants to try for another baby now (even though once a week she says she doesn't want to be with me) iv told her I want us to be better or on the right track at least before we try but she thinks she's ready and having another baby will bring us closer and claims that I'm holding her back from what she wants. Im in a rutt and don't know what to do. Iv told her how I feel. What I think is best. Iv Been Completely honest and im still being told im not doing enough amd haven't for the whole time we have been together. How do I manage this and how am I meant to take on all these things so she feels better. When I can see its still not going to be enough.

Sorry if that carried on a bit

Partner with anxiety

Quercus — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 23:28:44 GMT

Hi Wiggy,

Go with your gut! It takes two to make a baby and if you don't feel comfortable don't be forced into anything.

She is saying she wants to leave, your relationship is unstable and she won't take her medication and help herself. Bringing another baby into this mix is worth very serious thought. I have two kids and where things were hard with one it became even harder with two. Personally I think your psych is right.

Your situation reminds me of my friend. She and her husband split for 6 months recently. Like you she couldn't do anything right. Whatever she said was wrong and disregarded. And she got to a point where she felt she had given everything of herself that she could and wasn't living her life to her own values. So she left him. They went to counselling together. Are back together and happier.

But he wouldn't listen. Couldn't accept that maybe she wasn't the only problem. Until he realised he stood to lose his family. It was only then he started to listen and realise how unhappy she was.

Maybe try sit your wife down again and explain that you aren't happy. That you don't want a baby. That the problems you're having are not only on you. And try again with the idea of counselling. But not as a question... As something you NEED to make this work.

What do you think?

Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 23:56:46 GMT

I have tried sitting and talking about it. It all comes back on me and she won't accept that she is struggling. Iv told her im worried about her and that maybe we need to both see psychs seperatly and still nothing. I do want another baby but not while things are like they are. She wont admit that she needs help and that I should learn to deal with it all to make things better. I need to deal with me us and her all at once because she needs to deal with us, her, me and finances and a job she hates. And that its unfair on her. The only reason my head is scattered is because I'm struggling with her. If I'm at work or with friends i feel completely fine. But as soon as I'm with her my brain just turns to mush and I can't think straight or make the right decisions. And i struggle to talk to her because there's no listening to me or seeing my side it's always im not doing enough and I need to fix things. I'm just stuck. Im nearly at the point of leaving but I know if i do ill never get to see my son

Partner with anxiety

musmus — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 05:10:49 GMT

Hi Wiggy76,

I’m brand spanking new to the forums here myself. So this will be my first ever post. I really hope it helps!

I’ve read through the thread & I can relate enormously with your current situation. My heart goes out to you during what I can only begin to image is an incredibly tough time.
I too am married to someone who suffers with MI & for a long time wore the brunt of her personal frustrations, regardless of how much responsibility I would take on around the home in an attempt to help.

There are two things I found that helped me:
The first was working through the ideas of fault and responsibility. I had to come to terms with the fact that the issues in my relationship, & now marriage, were NOT MY FAULT. Nor were they my wife’s fault. But it was, & still is, my responsibility to make positive changes. You keep asking whether or not it’s your fault. Whether or not you’re the problem. I honestly believe that it’s not your fault AND it’s not her fault. You’re dealing with mental illness, she can help it as much as you can. But it is your responsibility to make the changes necessary for a better life. Try to figure out what things are stopping you from achieving the happy relationship you’re looking for. I personally need at least one trip per month, on my own or with my buddies, camping or something, to download and recharge. My wife needs at least one or two activities (movies, breakfast, date night etc) every week together to feel happy. Try to clarify, SPECIFICALLY, what the expectations are. Then adjust accordingly.

Which brings me to my second helper. For me, it always was and always will be about the questions I ask and not the demands I make (We need a therapist… you need to take medication etc). My wife reacts poorly to me telling her how she feels or what she should do, even if she knows I’m right. So instead, I simply ask more open ended questions (calmly haha). How are you feeling right now? What kinds of things do you expect of this marriage? What does the perfect relationship looks like to you? How does your work impact your mindset? What kinds of things make you feel overwhelmed? Is there anything I can do for you right now?

This forces my wife to think and give real, tangible answers. If my wife can’t answer these kinds of questions I know there’s nothing more I can do. And she knows it too. If she can answer them, then I get concrete feedback & action items.
And you’re showing how much you care!

Hope this helps!