topic She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try in Supporting family and friends

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 04:29:14 GMT

My wife of 13 yrs is suffering depression. Been on meds for about 4 years, dose increased again a few weeks ago. No matter how much i try to do to support her by doing housework, cooking, picking up kids/ dropping them at school, allowing her to sleep in coz she always feels so tired, I'm accused of not supporting her. I don't judge her and tell her i love her every day. She has no desire for physical closeness let alone a libido. I've asked if we need couples counselling coz i don't want to blame all our difficulties just on her mental health - that's not fair on her, i know I'm far from perfect.

Dont know how to support someone who doesn't tell me what else she wants or needs ither than 'support'. When i tell her that I'm further accused of highlighting her inconsistencies and irrationality which seems to push us further apart.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? What else could i try?

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

BlueGrass — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 05:36:07 GMT

Hi Ro

That's not an easy place to be in. Have you spoken with your doc, and if you haven't , it may well be worth seeking a counsellor for yourself.

If you are troubled enough to come here, I'm sure you would benefit from having a person you can speak with openly and specifically with face-to-face. Not only should this help you cope with your own frustrations, but also give you advice/tips on the best ways to help.

It may even seem to her that your "help" is showing that she is inadequate in her role as caretaker of the family. Very tricky situation, so I would suggest speaking with someone.

All the best

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 10:10:45 GMT

Thank you. I have counselling available thru my work. Might be wise to call them.

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

White_Rose — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 10:31:52 GMT

Hello Ro

Welcome to the forum. It's good you found Beyond Blue as there are people with all sorts of difficulties so there is bound to be several who can specifically relate to your situation.

I do agree with Blue Grass that having some counselling yourself may help. I take it your work place has an EAP service. Does your wife have counselling of any description?

Do go and have a word with your GP. Unfortunately your GP cannot discuss your wife without her permission but what about having a joint appointment? It seems to me that your wife needs some goals to achieve. If you do all the work all she has left is time to brood about her depression and that's not a good thing. Perhaps you can suggest she helps you with jobs around the house and share the workload.

Can you take her for a walk after work. I don't know how old your children are and if they can be left alone for half an hour, but perhaps it could be a family outing in the afternoon/early evening. There is a huge benefit for someone with depression getting some exercise and especially getting out of the house at least once a day.

Beyond Blue has lots of information on depression which you may find useful and which your wife may also find useful. Look under The Facts at the top of the page. You can download some information and ask BB to post other material to you at no cost to you.

Please keep in touch.

Mary

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 11:30:51 GMT

Thanks for your reply Mary. It wouldn't be fair to say i do all the housework. I have asked her many times to come for a walk. We got a puppy a couple of months ago which she had every intention of walking, she just finds reasons not to now.

I was supposed to go with her to the last gp appointment, only to have a child home from school sick. Seems lots is conspiring against us.

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Chrispie — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 12:11:53 GMT

Hi Ro. When I saw your post it resonated with me, as our household sounds very familiar to yours. I also have depression and my husband and I go through similar routines. Today actually I was telling him how I feel unsupported by him. He helps around the house if I ask him to and has been cooking because I've been in a bad space. I wonder if she is feeling how I am. It's not the housework that gives me comfort, it's words of support I don't hear. For example if I'm not feeling well...Is there something I can get for you, When I'm feeling sad...Are you okay or I'm here for you or how can I help. Also sit with her and listen to her and comfort her. Anyway this for me is being supported. So maybe you could give it a try. If I think of anything else I will let you know. Hope this helps. Coming on here asking for help is a great start. Your being a wonderful husband. Chris

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 12:41:02 GMT

Thanks Chris. I'm certainly trying. I think you're right, it's not about the big or measurable stuff, it's about being just present, which I'm trying to be ...

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Chrispie — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 13:33:10 GMT

I can definitely tell your doing your best. We unfortunately don't know what we need sometimes. When I'm low I need more understanding and some space. Not too much space though...don't just leave her all day unless that's what she wants. A couple of other things I thought of, a bit of pampering..maybe a nice bath...candles and a glass of her favourite drink. Also are you guys able to get time to yourself...a movie...a walk together...a coffee or lunch. This is a bit of a game but can you pretend the puppy is talking in a cute voice and say something like...Woof woof (pups name) would really love you to come for a walk. I wondered how long she has been struggling? Has this been the whole time she's been on meds or just here and there? Her meds could be wrong for her, I've had to try a few over the years. It's possible she might need a higher dose. However with all this I've had depression for most of my life and it's very debilitating and difficult for family so she's lucky she has you to support her. I go through some weird moods every couple of months and it's taken a long time to realise. Good luck Chris

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

geoff — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 23:37:35 GMT

hi Ro, how your comment reminds me of times in my marriage that exactly the same happened with me on so many occasions and this was before I had my diagnosed depression, yes there were plenty of good times but I had to be very careful other times, simply because she wouldn't talk to me for a couple of days, although she would to our two sons.
I couldn't believe her when she said I wasn't supporting her, as I did the same as you Ro, cooked meals, did the shopping, washing and vacuuming, but what I did wasn't good enough, it was always done the wrong way.
I always had to succumb to what ever she wanted, because my way was definitely never good enough, but I had to keep saying it so that she would get out of bed, however it was always so exhausting and rather demeaning.
This did happen throughout our 25 year marriage but it was much easier to overcome only until I was heading towards depression later on in life and then it was too late, I was diagnosed and fell into a heap, so then I wasn't worried what happened.
Ro, I can only imagine all the work you do each day, sometimes it's taken for granted other times it's because you have to, so I know what you are going through and so sorry that it has turned out this way. Geoff.

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 01:09:33 GMT

Coincidentally I've got a surprise weekend for her today. Massage, facial and dinner with 20 friends. She's really anxious about her surprise, hopefully she likes it.

Struggled undiagnosed for much of her adult life. Meds and periodic therapy. Recently increased med dose and recomenced therapy. Hopefully the tide will change soon. Just looking for other ideas of ways to help her.

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

blondguy — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 01:22:54 GMT

Hi Ro77

You are amazing for caring for your wife as well as you have been doing. Excellent approach and TLC

What a wonderful surprise for your wife today 🙂 You are a true legend!!

Just some info re 'caring for someone with depression in the link below for your information Ro

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

Great initiative Ro77 🙂

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Chrispie — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 05:50:39 GMT

That's sounds so good. Hope it goes well. Your doing great. Is she good with a large group? I'm not so good and tend to get a bit anxious. Just give her cheeky grins and hold her hand or whatever works for her, just to let her know you are around. If it doesn't go so well, don't let it throw you off. Keep going and you'll be fine. Chris

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

white knight — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 06:02:18 GMT

Hi Ro, welcome

From my experiences especially in recent times Ive come to the conclusion that what we solely experience as individuals is often nothing like what others feel. We cannot expect others to think like us. Supporting someone doesnt mean it will be returned even recognised.

So elaborating on that. You in your eyes run around doing all these tasks. What if (hypothetically) your wife does not count those tasks as support? What if she takes such effort as expected effort or maybe not fulfilling her in what she identifies as support.

That might from your angle seem very unfair, and it is, but for her with how her mind is wired, it isnt registering.

If this is the case, your challenge and hers if she accepts the challange, is to seek out what the other partner identifies as what support means to them. In your case when she claims you are not supportive what would support include eg talking more? Listening more? More intimate dinners? Asking more how you can help her.

It seems from your OP that your good efforts are not targetted accurately.

Relationships Australia might be a good place to go. If she wont attend then go there yourself. You can also visit your GP.

Tony WK

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Quercus — Sat, 12 Aug 2017 17:39:17 GMT

Hi Ro77,

I'm with Tony (White Knight). Asking her what she specifically means by being supportive is a great idea.

In my experience (myself with major depression and hubby being like you and helping non stop) a lot of his help was actually making me worse.

I couldn't say anything without sounding ungrateful and rude because it seemed silly to complain about him helping me. So I didn't. The more I fell apart the more he took control. Although I knew he was just worried for me and trying to help me I felt smothered and belittled and trapped. He took over my responsibilities, started changing my routines and wanting everything done his way. It made me fall apart even more because I felt useless and incompetent at doing things I had always been responsible for.

Depressed doesn't mean incapable. If she has medication that is helping maybe it's time to become a team again. Support her by empowering her. If the meds and therapy aren't doing enough maybe its time for a new psych or new meds?

Lastly you're doing a wonderful job regardless. Your love for your wife is obvious 😊. Maybe she needs more reminders of this that regardless of the MI you're mad about her still and not going anywhere. Please take care of yourself too 😊

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Ro77 — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 12:25:09 GMT

It went better than i could hope for. Happy times

She says she feels unsupported no matter how hard i try

Chrispie — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 07:46:26 GMT

That's great. Good on you.