topic When someone who helped you becomes distant in Relationship and family issues

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Mon, 02 May 2016 11:53:00 GMT

Good evening

I've posted this in staying well, as I've over the worst of my condition at present and using strategies to keep well. But really this could relate to anyone in life at any stage of their Journey.

What do you do if someone you trusted, that helped and supported you during your illness all of sudden becomes really distant from you?

I can't see its because I'm unwell and a burden, because I'm now quite well. I can't see its because I'm overly needy or reliant upon them because I'm not.

I don't know the reason, and it's disappointing. I don't know whether to ignore it and just go on with my life and forget they exist, OR whether to approach them and ask what's going on?

I don't know! I have so much going on in my life, I really don't need this and just wish people where honest with their feelings.

feelings..

When someone who helped you becomes distant

blondguy — Mon, 02 May 2016 19:39:44 GMT

Good Morning 150

Good news by the way on your progress.... Nice1

Just my humble opinion but usually a friend being distant can mean that they are having difficulty coping themselves with their own life and issues.

Your situation is similar to any relationship....communication would be the go here 150. It can be a pain when someone doesnt communicate their feelings but I must admit I have gone 'quiet' on some people I know when my depression really kicks in. Unusual for me to do but I guess sometimes I take time out so to speak.

Definitely gently have a chat with them....nothing to lose and absolutely everything to gain.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Wed, 04 May 2016 23:10:21 GMT

I sent a short email asking why and no response

I guess silence is as good a response as any

I have my answer

When someone who helped you becomes distant

pipsy — Thu, 05 May 2016 00:13:21 GMT

Hi there. I'm so sorry your email received no reply. Perhaps Paul is right with your friend. Maybe their depression is stopping them from replying. Are you able to visit them, to see if everything is alright? I would perhaps visit, leave a small note to say hi, thinking of you. If your friend is unable to reply, due to illness/depression, perhaps a visit from you could be the one thing that helps cheer them.

Lynda.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

topsy_ — Thu, 05 May 2016 00:35:16 GMT

Hi, I hope no-one will hate me for suggesting this, but could it be that your friend liked being the well one & you being the one who needed help? Now that you don't need help, your friend might be finding it difficult to maintain a relationship of equal partners. It's just a thought.

It's not something I have experienced but rather read about.

Lyn.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Thu, 05 May 2016 01:27:27 GMT

Thanks pipsy and Lyn for your responses.

I am not really sure and both scenarios are possible.

I don't think it's fair to me, particularly after everything I've been through and they know. But if they are going through their own thing maybe I just make things worse and they want to distance themselves.

I just sent an email back onto my original one saying that what hurts people the most, is those that originally care and then they don't anymore. Because you're left wondering whether the relationship meant anything to begin with, or whether you've done something wrong. For me this person was one of few that seemed to understand me and I feel really let down and disappointed. I'd be there for them in a heart beat. I'm not going to go see them. Not now, and not ever.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

blondguy — Thu, 05 May 2016 01:57:59 GMT

Hello 150

Good on you for emailing your friend. It is sad that there has been no reciprocation to your efforts to communicate. It feels like you have had the rug pulled out from underneath you especially without having even a basic explanation as to why. I would be feeling the same as you....

Paul

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Thu, 05 May 2016 02:43:11 GMT

Yeah thanks Paul

Would anyone believe it if I said this person was also a doctor?

Should they not know better?!

Baffled

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Thu, 05 May 2016 03:02:56 GMT

On another side note

The distance started when i emailed them a scenic picture that I took. I'm now into photography as it settles me, so brought new gear, and I took an epic picture on a cliff top of sunset at the beach with storm clouds coming over and my boys sitting on the cliff.

She made some comments about it been beautiful and some memories of her kids years ago, and then went distant after that photo.

I don't get it - did I do something wrong? I have heaps of photos but I must admit this one is very good, almost professional quality really if I do say so and several people have commented on it. How can that make someone change their behaviour though?

When someone who helped you becomes distant

Lazykh — Sat, 07 May 2016 07:42:30 GMT

Hi 150lashes,

Nope, I was going to guess a psychologist, so a doctor does not surprise me.

A possible reason for withdrawing might be if she felt she was developing too much of a personal relationship with you. It's totally unethical to be in a relationship with your patient/doctor, however, it does happen. None of us can be totally in control of our feelings and sometimes things just sort of sneak up on you... by the time you realise it can be kind of scary. This is not limited to developing friendships/relationships with clients, sometimes you might resent the client... there are some really painful people out there, you suddenly realise you are feeling defensive... The concept is called countertransference which you can google if you want to know more.

Believe me, if she is withdrawing for that reason, she's doing you a favour. A doctor/patient or therapist/client relationship is sacred, it's a relationship where one gives advice and the other receives it, always in that same order: that is not congruent with a personal relationship where the power relations need to be equal otherwise problems develop.

It's great that she helped you through your illness, and I think it's within reason to thank her for that via an email, if that's how you are used to communicating with her. But at the end of the day, people can change their minds, or things can occur to them that make them realise they need to change their behaviour, that's volition and you can't really interfere with it... There could be any number of other reasons why she stopped communicating too, but if she doesn't communicate you won't really know why... Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time with it, and hope things get easier.

Lazykh.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

blondguy — Sat, 07 May 2016 07:50:01 GMT

Hey 150...I find it strange...and being a health professional she could have communicated with you even a little.

I know you have emailed her which is great....do you have her cellphone number? Communication in a gentle form looks like the only way to go....Maybe she is ill?...Sounds like she is keeping her distance for whatever reason she has for doing so.

Call her...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Sorry I couldnt help you anymore 150

Paulx

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Sat, 07 May 2016 12:19:57 GMT

Thanks Paul and Lazykh for your comments. I'm actually quite confused by a bit of what was written there.

I've already emailed and said thanks and apologised if it's something I've done.

I don't actually understand and I'm kind of over spending time thinking about it.

I can't see anything wrong that I've done, so it's clearly all on her side to sort out with herself.

I think there's nothing wrong with just been honest and saying what's the problem. I guess I'm a more upfront person that others.

Anyway I'm moving on from it. That's it from me.

Thanks all 🙂

When someone who helped you becomes distant

pipsy — Sun, 08 May 2016 01:32:09 GMT

Hi 150lashes. I have to agree with Lazykh on this one. If she's allowed the relationship between you to become personal, then, yes she has overstepped the boundary. Having said that, I feel she should at least tell you, it's not your fault, rather hers for allowing it to happen. When we have Dr's that make us feel good about ourselves and we meet them outside the practise, being able to acknowledge them is great. However becoming friends with them on a personal level is a no-no. My Dr is able to keep the boundary between us to the point of recognizing me as a patient if we do meet outside the practise. I know he would never allow us to become personal friends, because it would compromise both of us. I think under your circumstances, I would be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie rather than pursue your quest.

Lynda.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

150lashes — Sun, 08 May 2016 03:04:39 GMT

I'm confused.

My friend isn't my GP.

She just happens to be a doctor but I don't see her professionally

When someone who helped you becomes distant

pipsy — Sun, 08 May 2016 03:54:44 GMT

Hi 150lashes. It seems we're confused. The way your post read, it appeared you had been seeing this person professionally. I'm sorry for the confusion. Perhaps your friend feels that by continuing the friendship (while/if you're being treated by another professional) is overstepping the boundaries. I know if a Dr/therapist pulls the pin because either the sessions are not helping, or the professional is getting too attached, the professional with often re-refer the patient to another therapist/Dr. Maye you were getting too confused between the therapist you're seeing professionally and your friends' emotional support, and your friend felt the confusion was overshadowing your general well-being. It could be your friend felt you were too reliant on her for it to be healthy emotionally. There could many reasons why your friend has stopped communication. Perhaps it might be better for you to just continue seeing your therapist and just wait till or if your friend re-establishes contact. You've emailed her and heard nothing back, there's not much else you can do except wait and see if she does contact you. If she does contact, hear her out at least, don't write her off till you know the story.

Lynda.

When someone who helped you becomes distant

Lazykh — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 06:30:18 GMT

Mmm, I made the same mistake as Lynda. Sorry 150. I think Lynda's got some good suggestions. Anything could be going on and we aren't going to be able to guess it. It might have nothing to do with you at all. I've lost touch with people because of illness in family, moving, having kids. All kinds of things. Sometimes it leaves you feeling 'gee, he/she could have let me know' (annoyed) or 'is that how little our friendship meant?' (spurned) or just plain sad. But there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

Having said that, I still lament losing one childhood friend. We just drifted apart. She went to a private school and I a public one, she did sport and I did drugs... (mind you not the hard stuff that kids these days use!!!) You know, all that sort of stuff. I did try to reconnect and she snobbed me. For once I started thinking that I didn't know exactly what it was that made her choose to ditch me, but I think it was for the best!!!

Probably my ramblings are not much consolation today...

Lazykh