topic Confusion and depression in Relationship and family issues

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Wed, 27 Apr 2016 23:15:37 GMT

Earlier this year, I took the opportunity to work for three months as a volunteer on an overseas aid project in Vietnam. I have been retired for a few years and find it is not fulfilling enough to just be at home, do a few voluntary committee board roles, and play in the garden.

My wife insisted we move back to Brisbane to be close to her family, but since moving here, we have only made contact with 2 out of 8 other siblings, due to ongoing ill-feeling over distribution of her mother's estate.

I had an interesting time in Vietnam. I felt socially isolated due to language and culture issues, but stuck it out and achieved what I set out to do and more. However, while there, I met a woman 20 years younger and over the last 8 weeks I was there developed a strong and intimate bond. I felt younger, more alive and could see a future which was much more rewarding than sitting around here listening to grievances about family, her illnesses, and watching the world go by.

I've been back 2 weeks, and tried to share my experiences with my wife and her family, but there is little if any interest on their part. I feel very lost and alone and constantly thinking about going back to Vietnam to reconnect with my partner there and try to assimilate into Vietnamese life.

I've tried showing warmth and interest in my wife, but there is not much in return. My head says stay and try to work things out. My heart says follow your instincts and take the positives of my experiences and see if I can make something of them back in Vietnam.

I dont know which way to turn, as it is easier and more comfortable from a financial and lifestyle to stay here and pretend nothing happened, though my mind constantly replays the good parts of my Hanoi experience. I try to counteract that by reminding myself of the challenges I had with language, culture etc.

Confusion and depression

Neil_1 — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 01:34:41 GMT

Hi there Quiettall

This is certainly an interesting situation that you’ve become faced with.

How did you feel prior to your leaving for the voluntary role in Vietnam? Possibly sounded like you were bored with the way things were turning out. I guess the opportunity of going overseas and doing some kind of volunteer role would really boost the old morale and then to top that off to find a potential new and young love interest – that would really tweak the old enthusiasm for life big time.

I guess one thing to consider is that while you were there, it was only for a short time and indeed, everything was probably new and exciting and as such, possibly all went very well and created every day to be exciting.

You mentioned other members of the extended family, but for what I could see, you didn’t mention whether you have children of your own. Not sure if this would be another influencing factor for you to stay here? How did your wife feel about you going over? And when you were back, have you received the feelings that she missed you, etc?

It is a tricky situation – do you have any close friends/mates who you feel you could confide in, regarding this?

I’m sorry that I haven’t really done much more than ask a few questions, as this is really a massive decision you’ve got in front of you – and you really need to take time to weigh up every angle of every side of each situation.

Kind regards

Neil

Confusion and depression

pvroom — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 02:05:41 GMT

Hi Quiettall, that is a tough situation. I think you really need to think about what makes you happy. I'm not one to throw out things that could be saved, but life is short, and your time to be happy is limited to what you make of it. I would say that if you think you and your wife can be happy again, then it's worth pursuing that, but if not, then there is nothing wrong, in my opinion, with pursuing that which does make you happy. i guess the important thing to keep in mind is that the grass is really never greener on the other side, and so whatever you pursue has to have substance. best wishes

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 22:27:18 GMT

I have children who live in Melbourne. they are grown up and have had very little to do with my wife since we were married over 12 years ago.

I felt similarly before I left for Vietnam and yes, the new life was exciting though extremely challenging - this actually stimulated the grey matter beyond just sitting watching TV and gardening.

My wifer has not said directly that she missed me...only that she doesnt understand why I bother to do what I do, and cant understand why I am not satisfied just to sit at home and do same ol' same ol'.

I have no close mates or friends that I would confide in on this issue.

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 22:31:28 GMT

Thank you for your comments. I am constantly throwing around in my own mind what is important. I only have one life and I want to make the most of it. I see so many people being buried with "IF ONLY" written all over their coffins.

It is an issue of "bird in the hand" is worth "2 in the bush"? I've tried talking with my wife about what I discovered about myself in Vietnam and prior to, but she immediately shuts down with the standard response of "I dont understand why you are not happy to just enjoy retirement" and "why would you be bothered doing the overseas aid or other voluntary work, if they dont pay you?"

Confusion and depression

pipsy — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 23:05:47 GMT

Dear Quietall. From your post, you were pretty dissatisfied with your life prior to Vietnam. It sounds as you see coming home as almost a backward step for you. You've been married 12 years, was your marriage happy prior to your retirement, which seems the catalyst to your present state? You mentioned the woman you met in Vietnam was 20 years your junior. I don't wish to throw cold water, but while you enjoy life and living now, if you did reconnect with this other woman, I wonder how long before she would want to travel and enjoy life as you age. You're in your 60's, she's only in her 40's, I sort of feel she may start resenting you as you get older and she's still relatively young. Please don't be offended, but when you're young, age is only a number, as you start to get older, physically your body starts slowing down and you find it harder to keep up the pace when your partner still wants to 'get up and go'. When you're in your 70's, she'll still only be in her 50's, your age difference might start showing a bit. As vroom said, sometimes the grass isn't necessarily greener, it just seems to be. I understand where you're coming from with your dissatisfaction with your marriage. Maybe if you just return to Vietnam and just 'play things by ear' a bit. Like you with the volunteering, I do volunteer work too and really find it stimulating. I couldn't just sit at home, I'd be bored too.

Lynda.

Confusion and depression

geoff — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 23:13:19 GMT

hi Quiettall, this is an interesting post, and what I'm going to say is by no means meant to upset you and if it does then I apologise.
By doing volunteer work and servicing that particular project requires a great deal of an effort, and you should be congratulated for doing so, as there would be few people wanting to do this.
By going alone maybe good or it maybe not good for your wife, or yourself, but when a strange man who speaks english arrives in this new country, there are ladies who typically pray on these men, and excuse me for saying that, as I've heard it also happens in other countries, but what these new ladies want to do is to acquaint themselves with you so that the friendship does become very close, and so a relationship develops with the idea of coming back to Aus. with you and away from their hardship in their own country, so that's their intention.
Where I live there are many elderly men who have a young foreign girl in toe, and when these chaps marry these girls they are then accepted into Aus.
This might not be what you are thinking of, but if you go back then after awhile there will be pressure to travel back to Aus. so that she can get citizenship.
You may love her as well as her telling you the same, but she could have these other ideas, and that's her abjective.
Sorry this maybe not how you see it, but it can be a looming thought. Geoff.

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 03:50:27 GMT

My Viet friend is aware of my age and the difference between us but she makes it very clear that what we do together suits her fine. She is not one to go out raging. Her friends invite us out to KAraoke etc but she says she would much rather enjoy quiet music, movies etc and enjoy being at home cooking dinner or spending weekend with her family with me.

I have been offered to return to Vietnam on a contract basis and can play it by ear but dont want to inflame things anymore if there is no future between us...would rasther stay here and persist with home

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 03:58:32 GMT

Hi Geoff

You have not upset me at all. I have had lengthy dioscussions about this same thing with her and her family. She and I both understand that if we make something of this relationship, it is on the basis that we live in Hanoi, not Australia permanently. She is strong on being in her home territory and made it clear we would not be together if I was intending to go back to Australia or anywhere else. I am very happy to move to Vietnam although it will be a struggle to learn the language, but this is a challenge that would keep me going, rather than sitting around here being bored, frustrated and counting down the days until God takes us.

I have met her friends and family and they accept me, knowing full well my age, my situation and what we have discussed.

I spoke to my wife and her attitude is she is not interested in doing much with her life other than being at home, watching endless TV, spending time playing in the kitchen and running from one medical appointment to the other. She cannot and will not understand that (according to my doctor) I have a young and active mind and body and therefore should do something with the rest of my life apart from being a sedentary retiree. That is why I put my hand up for the overseas aid work in the first place, to do something for someone else, and get me out of my comfort zone. Little did I know I would be in the position I am in now.

The agency I worked with in Vietnam has approached me to go back and work for at least another 12 months, at which point I could financially retire easily and more comfortably than I could here in Australia.

So I face a lot of agony, whether I leave my wife and head back to Vietnam, or stay here and persist with doing things irrespective of my wife's lack of interest in life

Confusion and depression

White_Rose — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 05:43:15 GMT

Hello Quietall

Without being cynical, I think this is an old story. Not about the young woman in Vietnam and you, but about reaching a stage in your life when you feel restless, unhappy with your current life and not at all sure what to do with it.

Can youconsider your relationship with your wife without considering the other woman. Do you want to stay married to your wife? Not do you want to leave and go to Vietnam. Simply how happy are you at the moment? What do you want from a marriage?

The next step is to think about what you want to do with your life. Not what you want to do if you are still married or if you go to Vietnam. What speaks to you, what makes you excited, what turns the light on.

I think you need to answer these two questions before making any decision. In fact you need to answer the second question first. Someone else has commented that everything was exciting in Hanoi and part of that excitement was a new GF. And I can see how attractive that would be. You need to put both relationships out of your mind and concentrate on yourself. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Sixteen years ago I left my husband for all sorts of reasons not relevant here. I made that decision so that I could live in safety. Once I retired I needed something to do that made me happy and was in line with my values and principles. It needed to be satisfying, not just a job or task I could do with my eyes closed. I needed to be fulfilled as the novels say.

It seems to me you are comparing your present lifestyle with a potentially different lifestyle and getting excited because it means change. In many ways marriages are not very different. I gather this is your second marriage, but you will understand when I say marriages start with excitement and settle into comfort. If this marriage is not "doing it for you" then leave. That decision needs to be independent of any other option. It cannot be, "Oh well, I've had a better offer". It sounds as if you are engaged in the lost cause of finding happiness with or through someone. You first need to find happiness with yourself.

Back to my original questions. Do you want to live for the rest of your life with your current wife? If not then leave. Not to fly into the arms of someone else, but to find what you are really looking for. Give yourself a year on your own and make your own life. Then you will discover if you want a wife, a GF, single bliss.

By the way, Brisbane is a great place to live.

Mary

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 07:43:21 GMT

Thank you Mary for your honesty. It so happens I was doing some gardening and thinknig about what the others said in their response. So I got onto skype and talked to my Viet friend. After a brief discussion we agreed that it was over, that I should concentrate on my wife and making our life what we started out to be, and if it doesn't work, then I should go seek my own life, not jump from one nest to the next.

We both acknowledged the hurt our brief relationship and my returning to Australia had caused, but agreed it was best we forget each other and move on.

Confusion and depression

White_Rose — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 12:09:31 GMT

Hello Quietall

I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or not. It's good that you have made a decision and I hope it will prove to be the correct decision, though from what perspective I don't know. May I continue to suggest that you consider your life and any dreams you once had.

Waking up to boredom and lost dreams is sustainable for a short time only. Make your own life happy and live your dream. If it helps, continue to write in here. Sometimes we need a place to go when we are weary with day. Take good care of yourself.

Mary

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 22:48:51 GMT

Thanks Mary for yoour advice and encouragement. the decision to move on comes with some sadness as I feel I have left behind some really happy times which I will retain as positive memories. However, I can now concentrate on creating happier times with my wife. We had a very lengthy talk late last night where I felt more comfortable to canvas lots of issues with her. This morning I woke feeling relieved, although still feeling a tinge sad about my Viet friend. However life goes on and time is a great healer.

Confusion and depression

White_Rose — Sun, 01 May 2016 00:00:12 GMT

Losing touch with someone you cared for is always sad. Let yourself grieve a little. This honours your friendship. It was good and now is no more. To not acknowledge the pain of loss only makes the hurt grow inwards and you become bitter, angry and disappointed.

I am so pleased you and your wife were able to have a good chat and that you both came to at least some conclusions and answers. It will take time to re-lay the foundations but when this makes the future better in some way, I think you will find it worthwhile.

I do however mean what I said about finding what floats your boat. You need to be what you want to be. On a purely physical level, you are far more likely to have an early death if all you do is sit around. At least, that's what the stats tell us. You are also more likely to become depressed and that is not a good road to travel.

Gardening is great and when you have your garden in order you can fix mine. Seriously though, would you enjoy odd-jobbing gardening? Gardeners tell me they live longer because they are happy in their work, out in the fresh air and keeping active. And of course many eat well from the product of their labour.

For indoors, if you like reading, find a local book club. Libraries often know the details of local book clubs. Join your local Men's Shed. Make new friends and talk to other men. Perhaps you have a skill that you can pass on to others. I understand the coffee break chats are great. Search online for your nearest Men's Shed.

Cheers
Mary

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Sun, 01 May 2016 23:40:20 GMT

Thank you Mary for your support. I am working on acknowledging the loss of a relationship I enjoyed greatly even for a short time. I am grieving this, and the hurt that the other party is experiencing, but acknowledging the uphill battle it would have been to continue, with the cultural and language differences, let alone the age difference. Also the hurt that would have come from yet another marriage split.

I am also looking forward, working on my garden, connecting more with a guy who is a neighbour across the road who lost his wife 8 years ago and has been a recluse ever since. Also am considering doing other assignments elsewhere to use my skills, rather than just sit and rot and get bored and die early. Our talents, experiences and skills are gifts given to us to use for the greater good, not to sit on them.

Thank you again MAry. I fluctuate between feeling at peace, feeling sad for what was and is not to be, and forcing myself to take stock and think forward positively.

Confusion and depression

Neil_1 — Mon, 02 May 2016 00:07:25 GMT

Hi there Quiettall

I’ve also been wondering first up about your name – did you mean to be Quiettall or Quite Tall? Just a little aside there with my warped sense of humour.

Ok, that’s been a big weekend for you, decision wise, talking wise to both Vietnam and here. Major decisions and then major talks with your wife and you said you’ve woken up feeling relieved. That must have been bloody good to feel that.

You’ve had some awesome responses to you over the weekend as well as suggestions.

I’ve just got a couple more to throw out there and the first one will probably not be a goer, as it does depend on what your wife would think and you’ve already mentioned, I think that she’s just happy where she is at the moment. This suggestion was to see if you could possibly consider the overseas volunteering thing again, but in a different location however this time, see if you and your wife could go as a package? I know nothing about these sorts of things, but if you could do one for a few months or so, perhaps your wife might feel it might be something different to try. And if yes, then the both of you going, could really open up new frontiers to your marriage, perhaps a new spark etc; a different country, the two of you together, learning and finding out about other things, as well as naturally helping others.

Another thought, again, just coming from me being a sporty kind of 50yo – running. You mentioned that you are on the fit and young side for your age – then use that to your advantage. Personally with running, I love to cover km’s. The long-distance stuff; obviously it takes a long time to build up to that, so your body can become accustomed to such stresses that this causes to the legs, knees, etc; but with the right shoes (and socks) and proper lead up training – it’s bloody awesome. I do it via minutes. Start out for 10 mins, then perhaps 12 mins; do those for a week or so, then slowly add mins. You don’t have to run the whole time; walking works just fine as well – but in time the length of running will increase.

Ok, I said two, but here’s one last one. What about a cruise with your wife? There are so many and now you’re retired, you can go off to new climes and do it in style; with everything laid on and cocktails/beers by the poolside bar, could be another new and exciting experience to get the lurrrvvee flowing between the two of you.

Again, all just thoughts.

Cheers

Neil

Confusion and depression

White_Rose — Mon, 02 May 2016 00:40:09 GMT

Well, you have a come long way since your first post. Many congratulations.

The fluctuating feelings you have about the whole situation are normal. It's called the grief process and applies to any form of loss from whatever cause. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This is roughly the order we experience these emotions, but we also flip from one to another, backwards and forwards. It can be very confusing. The intensity of each emotion varies with the depth of loss.

These feelings do not go away quickly but living with them, so to speak, and not trying to push them down means you will recover.

Sometimes I wish the list included forgetting but this is only when the anger or pain is hard to bear. Keeping our precious memories is good for us I believe.

I am so pleased you are connecting with your neighbour. You can appreciate his loss and grief and I think both of you will find some comfort with each other. It is sad that we only understand another's grief through our own losses. And this is why BB works so well. We answer others from the depth and knowledge of our own experiences.

Accepting other assignments for short periods sounds great. I suggest that none of them are in Vietnam for obvious reasons. Neil has suggested that your wife could go with you. If there is a choice of the destination, do you think she may be persuaded to this? At the very least it will give her an insight into the work you enjoy doing. One potential problem is that you will be working during the day I suspect and leaving your wife on her own. This would be a huge problem and you need to have a plan for this if the trip is to work. Please stay at home for a few months before going away.

I think Neil's last suggestion would be more acceptable to your wife, if she is willing to take a holiday with you.

Back to your garden. Is this a large part of your life? There are annual garden competitions in various towns/cities/states. Gardening Australia has a comp annually. And of course there is the Open Gardens Scheme. You look this up as well.

You sound like a vigorous man who will enter into any activity with great energy. Good stuff.

Mary

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Mon, 02 May 2016 06:53:27 GMT

Hi Neil

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have suggested to my wife we take a week or 10 days and do a simple relaxing drive holiday down the coast, reconnecting with each other away from home, the phone, emails etc. She has agreed with that.

I have been approached to do a 12 month contract to follow up in Vietnam, coming and going 3-4 times over that period. They are also keen to build my wife into the project and cost structure. She has flatly refused, so we will put that on hold. As for doing another assignment elsewhere, she has said she is really not interested but will consider every option as it is presented.

As for the running, I fell last week and partially cracked a vertabrae so gardening and vigorous exercise is out of the question for the time being, which is frustrating, because I find physical activity helps to get the mind working on a more positive frame.

As for the cruise idea, we did three last year and really enjoyed them. Two of them were with her family, which I found a little tiresome because I was given the job or organising the booking, logisitcs etc and felt more like a tour director than just one of a party enjoying the holiday. As a result, I have made it clear if we do other overseas holidays and/or cruises, we go on our own and relax. While I returned saying I didnt want to travel for a while, after being home a few weeks, I am keen to explore that option again.

I really do appreciate your thoughts and support

Quiet Tall

Confusion and depression

Quiettall — Mon, 02 May 2016 07:02:50 GMT

Thanks Mary for your advice and support. I understand the stages of grieiving and am clear that I am fluctuating between the last three at the moment.

Connecting with my neighbour is good, as I have also done with my older brother and his wife, although both are at least 5-10 years older physically and 10-120 years older mentally, which is a tad frustrating.

I am feeling more and more that it would be painful all round to return to Voetnam although I would love to go back and complete the project I was working on as I connected very well with many of the target group we worked with and saw some great results. I agree about staying home and/or spedning a reasonable period of time with my wife before heading off again on another assignment, and I indicated to her I would prefer her come with me if I did undertake a project. She said she would consider each on their merit but really is not interested in that sort of work.

Working on the garden is good and I have started to think about a bit of landscaping and reorganising my garage to do some tinkering and creative work. However I have to be careful for the time being as I have injured my back and been told by the doctor that I should resist any physical activity for the next few weeks until it heals fully.

You are right about being vigorous, as I hate just sitting round passing the time. My mind starts working overtime and imagining and reflecting on the things I have been struggling with. I find when I am busy doing constructive things, I feel better and time passes quickly....as time is a good healer.

My wife and I have agreed to go for a week to ten day drive down the coast to reconnect next week. This will get us both out of the house and the current context and allow for some refreshment of connections between ourselves, and our friends and family who we haven't seen for a while.

I really appreciate your concern and support Mary. Thank you.

Confusion and depression

White_Rose — Mon, 02 May 2016 10:04:07 GMT

That is terrific news. I hope it all goes well. Gold Coast?

Can I ask what you do on these work trips. Not sure what you call them. It sounds interesting, particularly when you talk about target groups.

My tinkering and creative work is confined to embroidery, making dresses for my granddaughters and scrapbooking. I think about my garden constantly and plan heaps in my mind. Then I realise I am not up to the physical stuff. Well, that's what I tell myself but I suspect it's all too hard. I do have a couple of volunteer jobs which get me out of the house.

I also attend an exercise class once per week. I dislike exercising on my own but spend an enjoyable hour in the company of four other ladies exercising body and mouth.

Have fun away from home.

Mary