topic Married but Alone in Relationship and family issues

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Tue, 15 Sep 2015 03:24:12 GMT

This is my first time using this outlet so please bear with me.

I have been married for 9 years and our lives are entrenched because we own a business together. Earlier this year, I discovered, by accident, some emails between him and a mutual friend. He shared personal things about our relationship with her. I was furious. He calmed me down and explained that she was a good friend and nothing more. He said that he loved her but as a friend and he needed to maintain his friendship with her to have some balance in life.

Now things have become more serious. He has another confidante Miss X with whom he smses morning, noon and night. She is overseas and he has not met her yet. He has his mobile phone with him all the time.

His excuse is that I have pushed him away for 3 years and drove him to this. I do not believe that we had not been intimate for 3 years. It is very unlikely but he says that this is the case. I explained that I have been going through that symptoms of being on the Pill and Perimenopause. He does not believe me and thinks that I am using this as an excuse.

He is now stressed and depressed because he does not know what to do. I have been a loyal, caring wife and we have a business together so he needs me here. However, Miss X is also important to him and he does not feel stressed smsing her. I have told him exactly how I feel and asked for another chance to be a wife to him. He says that I have been controlling and not grateful for the life that I have. It is not that I am ungrateful. What I keep asking for is to do couple things. All we communicate about is about the business, AFL and extended family issues.

So nowadays, I just do what I have to do with the house and business. He says that I am driving him crazy by asking questions. From Saturday, I have not mentioned Miss X at all. I know that it has only been 4 days but I think that I have done well. I am in limbo at the moment. Do not know where this will end. I do not want him to be with me because of obligation but I know that that is one of the factors. I gave up my country, family, friends to come here to start my life here with him. I trusted him and believed that it will be forever. I guess I was naive.

We still talk and on some nights, we are intimate. I am trying to be a good wife to him.

He says that he needs a holiday so he is going on one. He is going to do a course but I am pretty sure that he will meet her as it is the same country.

I am so lonely and just needed to write.

Married but Alone

Doolhof — Tue, 15 Sep 2015 11:15:02 GMT

Hi Chubby Boo,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. I am so sorry to read of the difficulties you are experiencing with your husband. There are so many people, me included, who dearly wish their relationship was different.

Have you ever asked your husband if he would consider couples counselling? You can contact "Relationships Australia" they might have something on offer in your area.

My husband goes away with his mates more than he does with me and I find that very hurtful. As far as I know he does not have any other female interests, but then again how would I know? I never check his mobile phone or his emails. He is home all day while I am out working.

It is very difficult when a relationship comes to such a strangled point. You could try phoning the people here at Beyond Blue, sometimes talking to people is a help. They may be able to offer a few suggestions.

Is there any way you can go on that holiday with your husband? Is it possible to both be away from your business at the same time?

Do you have hobbies and interests that you could become more involved in so your days have more sense of happiness for yourself?

Do you go out alone with friends? Do you have an opportunity to go out with your husband? I know you mentioned you ask him to be involved in couples things. If you organised something yourself for the two of you, would he join you? Even a trip to the cinema or to a restaurant?

Hopefully other people will have some ideas for you as well.

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

Married but Alone

Simona — Tue, 15 Sep 2015 11:47:09 GMT

What is it that you are getting out of this union? I don't know how old you are - but life is too short for this kind of miserable servitude- playing second fiddle to 'invisible' mistresses, trying to please, playing submissive all the while the years roll on and youth fades. Forgive my words if they are a tad blunt but....if there is no love why sentence yourself to perhaps another 9 years of this? This man sounds more like your employer than your husband. I understand you say you own business together but to me , it sounds like he's the one calling the shots.

Maybe re-read your post and think what if it was your daughter writing this? How would you feel? What would you tell her?

I don't know...I'm just a stranger bored and wanting to read but if you were my sister I would tell you to follow your heart and be brave and be lonely no more.

By the way, if my partner behaved liked that he'd have dinner on his head. Seriously! Your man has oversized ego me thinks. I would put him on diet.

Married but Alone

Katarzyna — Tue, 15 Sep 2015 13:35:14 GMT

Hey ChubbyBoo12,

This post just turns my stomach. It has so many parralells to my relationship, which ended 5yrs ago. I was in the similar place as you. Not with a business involved, but house, friends, assets. I put up with the first Ms Confidante, as I was told I was suffocating him and he couldn't talk to me. He eventually ran off with the second Ms Confidante. That may not happen with your partner. But to be treated that way is the pits. And you don't deserve it. Don't let him keep you on the sideline as a reserve. You deserve to live and be happy. And about the ex, he's still flitting around from one girl to another, always having one on reserve.

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 00:05:46 GMT

Thanks Katarzyna for your reply. I feel assured and strengthened that I am not alone in this situation. It is still very hurtful and hard but I know that I will be alright. I will make a decision soon. You are right, I do not deserve to be a spare.

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 00:16:58 GMT

Thanks Mrs Dools.

Yes, I have suggested couples counselling but he refused. He says that he does not want and need it.

I have asked him about going on the holiday together and he says that it is not happening because I have to stay and look after the business and the house.

If I organise or suggest going out for dinner ( just the 2 of us ), he would go. The outing will go like this:

go to the restaurant, eat, leave and return home. Nothing more and the there will hardly be any talk except things about the business.

Yes, I do do things on my own. I have joined a Book Club, I have a lunch group.

We do watch football together and discuss that. Besides that, nothing much.

I have to get strong in myself and take the bold step.

Thanks

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Thu, 17 Sep 2015 00:18:44 GMT

Thanks Simona for that reality check. I have been thinking about it. I need to get strong in myself and take the bold step. I will.

Married but Alone

Doolhof — Sun, 20 Sep 2015 10:31:56 GMT

Hi again,

Some other people have voiced their opinions, a bit more strongly than I have. I tend to agree with them. We all deserve the right to be treated with respect and honesty.

I came home early from work one day and found my first husband in bed with one of my girlfriends! I soon discovered she was not the only one. In the end I left him. I thought if they wanted him they could have him. I was still quite young and we did not have a business involved. It was quite an easy thing for us to divorce way back then.

What ever you decide to do, think it through first with a clear mind. I suggest you talk to someone professional about how you are feeling and ask for any advice you might need one way or another.

If you are sceptical about the course even happening, can you ask him for details about the course and where it will be held?

Maybe even ask him if he is really going over seas for a course or not and ask him what he expects when he returns home.

It is a shame he is not willing to attend couple's counselling with you. It might have been beneficial for you both.

I wish you all the best with your decisions. Maybe even write out the pros and cons of the ideas that are running through your mind so you are clear about what you need/want to do next.

From Mrs. Dools

Married but Alone

daybyday83 — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 20:02:43 GMT

Hi ChubbyBoo,

I know many people have already voiced similar opinions, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this situation. I was in a similar relationship (although thankfully no significant assets or children), together for 5 years. Similarly, my (ex)wife also had another partner, which worsened the (already present) emotional and physical gap between us. Your description of dinner outings sounds exactly like my recollections of those days too. For at least the last year I was trying to make things work, not because I could even remember happiness there between us, but for the fear and uncertainty of the world alone. At the time I could have talked all day about reasons it was worth staying, but now I can't think of a single valid one.

Long story short, things broke down completely and these days i'm much happier for it. Sure, the next 12 months was like going through hell, but after readjusting I realized that it was not worth the pain of trying to stick it out. I was lucky enough to have some very supportive colleagues/friends who made all the difference, both while fighting for the relationship and afterwards.

These days I'm in another relationship, a very positive change. The main thing that I realized was wrong with the previous one was the lack of respect. Just pointing this out to add that now the feeling that the breakdown of with the previous partner no longer feels like an end, but more a transition to a healthier way to live.

If I could offer two pieces of advice; 1) remember to be kind to yourself. You are trying to be a good partner, but for this you need to be in a good place yourself. 2) Having a support network can save your sanity. Knowing someone is there to listen when your mind starts to spiral (even if they can't offer solutions) really helps.

Good luck

Married but Alone

geoff — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 20:48:19 GMT

dear ChubbyBoo, there have been so many good replies back to you, and before I comment on my own experience I want to reply to your comment first.

I am going to be a bit blunt here, but always gentle on the person who posts their comment, 99% of the time, so I won't beat about the bush here, your husband is only going away to be with his Miss Fluesy or what ever the word is, he is only lying to you.

Don't the alarm bells start to ring if he has one or two girlfriends on the side and wants to go away without you, and the same applies to texting them or even having their mobile phone, who he may not use his mobile to ring them, but instead ring them from work, from a secret pay as you go mobile, that is prepaid, to me the signs are all there, and remember if you still satisfied him then this doesn't mean he won't have a fling on the side, boy he must be lapping it all up, sex here sex over there, and when he goes away he can do anything he wants, that's how a marriage should ever work.

We had booked and paid for a site down at a popular sea-side when our 2 sons were young, but unfortunately I was depressed, however we still went.

One day I wanted to take my wife out for lunch, where her brother could look after our sons, it took awhile for her to agree, and when we got home to the caravan, I was hoping something might happen, which did, and she told me to go and check out the cricket score in the main pavillion, and when I was walking back I saw her come out of the public phone booth, and told me that she was ringing someone, but didn't tell me who.

This happened after I caught her twice back home ringing again from a public phone booth.

Bang crash I went further into depression and just wanted to go home, and I could never trust her again, ever though we still talk and see each other now.

Lack of trust in any relationship is why so many couples break up, and personally they are never worth trying to regain their companionship, because it will only happened again and again. L Geoff. x

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 04:22:38 GMT

Thanks for the advice and for replying to my comment. I do have a support network in a friend overseas. I cannot tell my family about this at the moment. You see, my mother is already heartbroken when my eldest brother got a divorce and it will really just 'kill' her if I were to tell her this. She is 90 years old. So for that reason, I cannot tell my family.

Whenever I feel down and my head is spinning, I come online and I do feel better because I tell myself that I am not alone. Either that or I sms my friend overseas.

I have to remember to be kind to myself. I will.

Regards

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 04:36:42 GMT

Thank Geoff for the blunt reply. I am not naive and I know that he is going overseas to see her. He knows that I am aware of this too. The course is just the excuse that he is giving others. I am also aware that he is constantly messaging them. He says that he does not ring one of them up because of language differences. She cannot speak English and uses a translator for the smses. He must be really desperate. He says that she helped him when he was going through a very difficult time even without knowing it.

I am left here for 2 weeks on my own to do everything about the businesses, to run the house and also look after his mother emotionally. She lives on her own but needs alot of company.

One of the other ladies is a friend of mine too. I am wondering if I should confront her and tell her that I know?

Everytime I talk about it to him or mention it, he says that I am the cause of his stress and his high blood pressure. So while he has the affairs, I am supposed to just be quiet.

He says that he has not made up his mind and I should just act as per normal. How do I act normally?

On our anniversary recently, I wrote him a heartfelt letter. No response.

He shows me his care by making me my breakfast every morning. He does not really bother about what time I get up. He makes it and leaves it in the kitchen. Then at night, he will ask if I would like a hot beverage. That is it. Nothing more and nothing less. So last night, I told him that I feel like a dog getting scraps from the table. His attention and energies go to then businesses and to his girlfriend and I get the last scraps. No response.

I asked him if he had made up his mind and was just waiting for the appropriate time to tell me. He said No. I think that he is waiting to go overseas and meet her face to face and see how he feels.

This is the 2nd time this is happening to me and right now, I feel like crap.

Thanks for listening.

Married but Alone

Doolhof — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 22:33:42 GMT

Hi ChubbyBoo,

Without going back over the whole thread, can you tell me if you have been to a marriage counsellor or not? Have you tried phoning Relationships Australia to see if they can offer you any advice?

I recently went to counselling with my husband to discover that he finds my 50 year old body disgusting and that he would rather be with a 20 year old lady from a different nationality. That explains a lot about our relationship.

We have separate bedrooms and he doesn't like me touching him at all and even told me off for looking at him. I don't know if he has any female friends who he is connected to or not. I am not sure if he would tell me if he did have.

My husband says that we are friends and I should be thankful for that. So for now that is how it stands. I have recently enrolled in a TAFE course related to my work so that will keep me very busy for a few months. I am also trying to do things that I like and enjoy when I can.

Relationships can be difficult. I have decided to make the most of what I have. We do not fight and argue so the house is relatively peaceful so that is a good thing. I count my blessings. Things are not as I would like them to be, but this is how it has become.

I hope you are able to find some solutions and answers.

Cheerio for now, from Mrs. Dools

Married but Alone

geoff — Fri, 25 Sep 2015 23:11:26 GMT

dear ChubbyBoo, firstly can I say how sorry I feel for Mrs. Dools and her (non) relationship that she has to endue with her husband, and to live in this situation must be so awful for her, but we are blessed that she is the of our 'outstanding members' and wants to participate in helping other people.

CB I know what you are facing and what your husband is doing, but for him to say ' I am the cause of his stress and his high blood pressure' is such a cop out, I actually can't believe that he is blaming you.

Now is it possible, so take a deep breathe and hold a squash ball, and whether or not this happens is your decision but lets put this aside for the moment, tell him you are leaving him and he needs to look after his mother because you won't be there to care for her, what would he say, I hope it's not what I think and if it is means that you should leave him. I'm not sure whether this will be posted). L Geoff. x

Married but Alone

ChubbyBoo12 — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 22:56:38 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools

Thanks for your reply. I have asked my husband twice if he would go for counselling if it was going to help me. He said No. He said that he did not believe that it would help. Anyway, life goes on.

Today he left for his trip to do his course. Everyone thinks that but he and I know that it is a trip to see her. On the way to the train station, I told him that I hope that the trip will help him get it out of his system and he is not so besotted with her.

During the week, he keeps telling me that she is different. How can she be different if she is having a relationship with a married man?

Anyway, I also told him that these 2 weeks will make me a stronger person emotionally and he will see a different person. I know that I can become that strong person. Done it before and I can do it again.

I also told him that if he decides to leave me, it will be the biggest mistake of his life. I am daring enough to say that he will never find a more loyal and faithful person.

Anyway, the 2 weeks has started.

Married but Alone

pipsy — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 06:25:58 GMT

Dear ChubbyBoo. Sorry to say this, but from the way I'm reading, your husband wants out. As other's have said, do you want crumbs which is all he's offering. He's said 'no, to counselling, making some childish remarks about it. I realize you love him, but the love has to go both ways before the relationship works, with you it's you giving, him taking.
You can still run a business, unless you decide you want your share.
See a solicitor, find out where you stand legally. You told him if he leaves he will be making the biggest mistake, hasn't he already made them? This is just a continuation of the way he's been behaving. Let him know, the fun's over.

Sorry if I'm being blunt, but you have feelings too, he's not thinking of you, only himself. You need to care for you and get some fun out of life.

Best wishes.

Married but Alone

LateInLife — Sun, 11 Oct 2015 11:03:14 GMT

Dear ChubbyBoo

I am 5 weeks into a separation (She separated from me) and actually doing okay because after three counseling sessions, it isn't healthy even for me to stay in this relationship. The main thing that was impressed on me is that you have to look after yourself first. There is nothing you can do to control a wayward spouse.I ruminated and went through a week of what if's and finally realised there is nothing I can do but look after myself.

What I did was surround myself with friends, got onto meetup.com and joined a number of groups where almost immediately I have started new friendships. This has helped tremendously so the best advice i can give you is talk to others about it. My friends have been so supportive.

Regards

Dave

Married but Alone

Doolhof — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 21:14:31 GMT

Hi ChubbyBoo,

I'm a little surprised you are still talking with your husband. I don't know if I would be that understanding, to let my husband go overseas to catch up with another women, while I am back at home running a business and looking after the house!

Is your husband expecting you to let him in to the house when he returns? Like nothing has happened? I tend to agree with Pipsy on this one. I wonder how much you are willing to take from your husband. He may have more than one woman he is keeping in touch with.

You have these two weeks to really sort out what you want to and may need to do while your husband is away. It is really difficult if you still love your husband and want the relationship to work, but I don't know how it can work out.

Your husband sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He can't expect to go and shack up with this other lady and then just waltz back into your home like nothing happened.

If I was you I would do some serious thinking. I would also go and check out your finances at the bank and make your money secure! If your husband thinks it is okay to flit off with another woman, he may think it is okay to take off with the money as well.

I really do hope you are able to think of yourself first here. I don't believe your husband is going to change.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I think you need to really look at what is happening.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Married but Alone

Doolhof — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 21:26:19 GMT

HI Dave,

Just want to thank you for your message here and for sharing your story.

I hope life continues to get better for you. Surrounding yourself with friends and becoming involved in different groups and activities is certainly a good way to tackle any of life's unpleasant happenings!

My husband has recently told me that he regards me as his friend and that is all our marriage is to him these days. In a way I accept that. It explains a lot of things. He says he would much rather be with a young lady, 30 years my junior! I can't compete with that, too many saggy bits I am afraid. Ha. Ha.

So we are both making the most of what we do have. Neither of us wants to separate, but I do wonder how life might be if I was to meet a guy who loves me and my 50 year old body the way I am!

For now I am making the most of all life has to offer me.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools