topic Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell in Relationship and family issues

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 00:13:13 GMT

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

justinok — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 01:04:14 GMT

MisterM said:

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay

And worse, huh? That's the worst thing about your situation? Wow. I can think of far worse things to have people think you are, but then I'm gay so what would I know.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

pipsy — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 02:46:14 GMT

Hi MisterM. Online dating can be scary when you've never been on a 'date'. The thing to remember when talking to a girl, take an interest in what she's saying, but don't let her dominate the conversation, either. Girls basically like to know a little bit about the guy they're with too. Don't be scared to tell her you're still at home, a lot of guys live at home, that's nothing to be ashamed of. If you find after 10 minutes, that you're both 'struggling' to make conversation, ask her what she'd like to do. Maybe a cup of coffee, milkshake, cup of tea. I wouldn't suggest 'drinks', alcohol can have a detrimental affect if you don't normally drink/ she doesn't drink. Maybe a movie, dinner. When you go on an 'online' dating service, you're usually asked simple questions. Give the average age of the girl you'd like to go out with. Find out what sort of work she does (if she does work). If you want to continue seeing her, ask her out again. If she says 'no' don't be put off, be grateful she was honest. It doesn't reflect on you, rather on her, what her tastes are. Don't try so hard to 'please' the girl, relax, be pleasant. By the 2nd/3rd 'date', you can just about assume you have a 'girlfriend'. I think your mum sounds a bit cruel. If you are 'Gay' that's your choice. You sound a very pleasant, caring person, albeit a little unsure of yourself. Girls aren't Alien, they're people, guys often come across wrong because they try too hard to 'make an impression'. Girls are 'wired' differently to guys, we are often ruled by our emotions a bit more than guys. Guys usually pick themselves up, dust themselves off and 'start all over again'. We're not quite that cut and dried. We tend to find it harder to 'let go' of past hurts.

Hope the above helps somewhat.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Paul — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 02:50:17 GMT

Hi MisterM

It's a tough thing knowing what to say to someone you like or someone you potentially want to attract and see more of. What if they reject you or what happens if they laugh or if you freeze up? It's all pretty scary.

Through all of this, what's the worst thing that can happen? (besides your mum thinking you are a fabulous gay guy) What really is the worst thing that can happen if you start chatting to someone?

I guess one thing to try, apart from diffusing the fear and anxiety is to just be yourself.

Who would want to talk to you? Someone who finds you interesting to talk to.

Who would want to spend time with you? Someone who likes your company.

What have you got to offer? Yourself and your company.

Who would find you attractive? Someone who finds you attractive!

The interesting thing about attraction is it mostly comes from us and is projected out. What I mean by that is, if we know we are attractive (in a humble way) then a lot more people reflect off of that and respond. The same is true of most things to do with interacting with people. If we are scared and "know we can't do it" then we usually can't because we set ourselves up to fail in the first place.

What is it about yourself that you don't like?

What is it REALLY all about that you can't talk to women and think you are unattractive and worthless anyway? Can you dig a little deeper, thinking about the above example of how you reflect, and come up with some thoughts on what makes you unattractive and what makes you think women are scared of you?

Lastly - isn't a girlfriend someone who is a girl who is a friend? No magic voodoo, no science behind it, nothing involving setting a trap or playing a game. It's based on how we see ourselves which radiates out and helps us to just be ourselves and when we mix with people and engage them, they see us for who we are and some fall in love with that.

I think there's something that's such a barrier for you that you don't like about yourself that is key to what's happening. Are you happy to dig and share the answers to the questions above?

Paul

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Paul — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 02:52:17 GMT

I love your replies pipsy, you rock!

Paul

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

pipsy — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 04:37:33 GMT

Hi Paul. Yes, in spite of what I've been through, I know there are genuine guys out there who do care. Maybe one day, with luck, my turn will come.

Thanks.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Simona — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 09:21:01 GMT

Oh gosh. That is pretty sad. You need to move out even if into a shared residence before you get old. Then you can put an advert in and wait or answer ads.

But on the other hand it might happen without the internet. Maybe just board a train and sit next to someone who looks nice and say something. Because that can work. I mean it happened to me on a train platform and then it was a date that same afternoon . But it could also be on a bus. You need to get out there and explore the neighbourhood. Do you have a dog ? I just thought of that because women love dogs : )

You need to feel better about yourself because it's all about projection like mentioned earlier. Take dexter for example, ok he's a fictional clean-up guy BUT he oozes confidence and takes great pride in who he is. And you should too

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 09:56:44 GMT

Hi justinok,

Judging by your response I see that I have offended you.
I deeply apologise for this as it was not my intent.
I have nothing against gay people at all.
What I meant by 'and worse' is because being gay is a big sin and shame to my mum (and dad too) due to her cultural and religious ways, an old school 1950's European mentality. I don't want to be seen as this disgusting, sinful person in my mums eyes. It makes me feel embarrassed to be around them as I know my mum is thinking I am gay. I have told her I am not and she's said I am a few times.

I apologise once again for the offense taken and I will be careful how I word my posts in future.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 10:10:43 GMT

Hi lats,

Thanks for replying.
I think I am so awkward I put off this vibe that makes girls feel scared.
Maybe it's my face.
I reconnected with a girl I went to primary school with on Facebook recently, I saw her at the local shopping plaza on the weekend strangely enough after not seeing her since primary school, she looked at me from a distance as I approached then turned around quickly. I drove home thinking bad things about myself.
Seeing I have never had a girlfriend and am 31, I guess noone wants to spend time with me, talk to me, etc as you pointed out. I can't understand why I fail so bad. I don't think I am unattractive.
My hair has a few greys coming, it's getting me more sad because I will be an older looking man before I know it. Girls are more attracted to youthful looking guys right?
I can't point an exact reason for my lack of self esteem, well one I am bad at small talk.
I think I might have girls attracted to me in high school and tafe/uni but I was so awkward and scared I ran away from the situation.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 10:13:24 GMT

Thanks for your reply and advice pipsy.
I am not keen on online dating, I prefer non-technological ways, the old fashioned, meet by chance way.
I think online takes the magic out of finding love. I prefer to let fate intervene.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 10:17:02 GMT

Hi Simona,

Thanks for replying.

Yeah I know I need to move out, when I can get enough income to survive on my own I will. Sadly, all the jobs I have had have been low paying. Not enough to make ends meet. I don't know what to do career wise, still unemployed.
I don't think women want to be bothered by someone on the train, I am bad at breaking the ice, making small talk, I don't know what to say. Anything I say will make the woman think I am some sex predator or something.
I have no pets.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

pipsy — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 11:49:06 GMT

Hi MisterM. I apologize if I offended you by suggesting online dating. That was not the intention. All I meant was online dating is not as bad as people think. No matter how you meet someone, you still have to communicate. You say you don't know how to make 'small talk'. Small talk is just basically, 'hello, how are you? My name is ???. When you say you'd rather meet someone by 'chance', meeting someone on a train (for instance) IS chance. A friend of mine years ago (believe it or not) met his wife by waiting for a bus. They married 2 years after they met. Why would a woman think you're a 'predator' if you say 'hello'? If you met me at a bus and said 'hello, could you tell me the time (for instance), why would I presume you're a 'predator'? Even if you're wearing a watch (hide it). Do you like pets, ask (if you're talking to a woman) does she have pets? Take an interest in her. If she asks what you do, tell her you're 'between jobs' at the moment. Time later to explain about work. At this stage, you have nothing to lose by saying 'hello' to a woman.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Stormy — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 13:23:46 GMT

Hi MisterM,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can't really add too much to what has already been said by Pipsy,Lats and Simona. The way I see it, one of your biggest problems is confidence. We each have qualities that are waiting to shine through, you just need to find yours and build on them.

You need to get out of the house, I don't mean move out if you aren't ready to, but you do need to leave the house to open yourself up to a different environment. Perhaps you could volunteer for any number of social organisations. You will be able meet like minded people, get valuable experience to place on your resume, and in my experience some women will find your efforts to help others as an attractive quality.

What are your interests ? It's easier to talk to someone about what you are interested in. Perhaps you could find a group relating to your interests, and you may be fortunate enough too that they hold meetings.

Anyway, just a couple of suggestions, it doesn't work for every one but it's something you might be able to consider.

Stormy

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

justinok — Wed, 11 Nov 2015 22:49:58 GMT

MisterM said:
What I meant by 'and worse' is because being gay is a big sin and shame to my mum (and dad too) due to her cultural and religious ways, an old school 1950's European mentality. I don't want to be seen as this disgusting, sinful person in my mums eyes. It makes me feel embarrassed to be around them as I know my mum is thinking I am gay. I have told her I am not and she's said I am a few times.

The way I see it, mate, you have a choice. As an adult male, you can move out and away from your parents if you have such a problem with them.

When my parents found out I was gay, I was still a teenager. I was forced out of the house, I didn't have a choice. If your mum had that much of a problem with believing you being gay, then you would be out on the street like I was.

So you can choose to stay at home and take advantage of the free food and rent, and put up with your parents nagging you, or bite the bullet and move out. Good luck.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Guest_1055 — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 01:05:47 GMT

Hello MisterM

I just read your post here. And to tell you the truth I do not see a loser at all. In fact what sticks out to me about you is this

1. You seem super honest - good quality

2. You express yourself awesome in words - another plus

3. You come across not shallow, like a real human person with deep thoughts - so so great

4. And the fact that you don't like playing those dumb dating games- huge plus

And you know what, be you, which it appears you to this already in writing. And I am speaking from a women's view you are no loser.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 02:56:50 GMT

Hi Pipsy,

I was in no way offended.
Thank you for the advice.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 03:00:21 GMT

Hi Stormy,

Thanks for replying.
I get out of the house sometimes, to catch up with my friend over a meal/coffee and going to open mic at bars. Even at bars I feel alone, I find it hard to make friends, I just sit by myself in the corner and wait for others to talk to me, I am a severe introvert.
I don't have many interests, music, art can't think of much else.
I don't have many friends, I am often going places alone lately which makes me not want to go out as I feel like a loser being on my own.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 03:03:13 GMT

Hi justinok,

I hope you're not upset at me over my post, I feel terrible about it.
I don't have a job so can't move out now, it's so expensive to be on your own, if I had more friends I could room with them.
Looks like I am making excuses but I have done my budgeting, it's out of my reach, I can never land high paying jobs, I always get some bottom end low paying job no matter how hard I try.
I am sorry to hear you had such a bad reaction by your parents.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

MisterM — Thu, 12 Nov 2015 03:04:29 GMT

Hi Shelley anne,
Thank you for your kind words.

Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

OhmeOhmy — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 13:50:26 GMT

Hi MisterM

I've read through your thread and I just wanted to say that you haven't said anything that you need to feel terrible about so please don't. You have come here for support and advice and I can see that you have been given both.

I understand loneliness and as I see it there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world today. People have become so disconnected, maybe because of social media, I don't know. It can be so hard to make friends but the truth is most people on have a few real friends and the rest are simply acquaintances. I have one real close friend and we have know each other since we were 12. I too have struggled to make new friends as an adult and have wondered what is it about me that people aren't comfortable with? What am I doing wrong? You are not alone. In fact I have a feeling that there are millions of people who have asked themselves the same question.

I know others have suggested it but try joining a social group or volunteer group and that way you can connect with people on common ground without any pressure. One thing can lead to another and you could meet the love of your life. I don't think bars are a good place to meet people but that's just my experience. I wish you all the very best, Don't give up, there is someone out there dreaming the same thing as you. Instead of thinking about what may be wrong with you, spend your time imagining the life you want, imagine the little things and the big things, feel the happy feelings that go along with that dream. It's a much more pleasant way to spend your time and you may just dream that dream right into reality. That's what I do when I feel sad, I refocus my thoughts on what I want to happen and I imagine how it would be.