topic I'm a new member -heartbroken in Relationship and family issues

I'm a new member -heartbroken

Sophjane — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 09:04:32 GMT

I don't where to start really, I had been going out with my partner for 7yrs. We were very stressed and my work was stressful and his ex wife had another baby who was dying from cancer, we had his daughter (8yrs old)with us. We were talking about what we were going to do for xmas and who was coming for xmas lunch etc....and what paint to paint the house as we had just finished redoing the house. My partner hated my job and often asked me to quit so I wouldn't be so stressed. My partner went back to work ( he works away ) and after 5 days he texted me and said it was over and needed a break but maybe the new year would bring something more. The baby died 3 days later. He never spoke to me only through texting. He came home 10 days later and moved his stuff out before xmas and on the same day he moved his stuff into his new girlfriends house. He told his daughter that we had broken up and at the same time said he had another girlfriend all in half an hour. He introduced the new girlfriend straight away after telling her. The daughter refuses to see him after there weekend together with the new girlfriend. We spent most of the holidays together. I put on a brave face for her and said it was ok. But deep down inside everything is hurting and still is. He sent me a text saying he never cheated on me but I find that hard to believe. He even rang my mum and father and said he never cheated on me, but for someone to move in with another person so quickly / the same day you come home.... I feel so lost and upset . My dreams with him and his daughter are over. I am finding it hard to move on with out crying....it's been nearly 3 months and I have days where I'm ok and then other days where I cry nearly all the time especially at work. I feel like I didn't know him at all.. My ex and I are 40 years old. I would have said this was out of his character but I don't know at all... Thank you for letting me be heard.

I'm a new member -heartbroken

blondguy — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 14:05:10 GMT

Hi Sophjane

Welcome to the BB forums....

Your post was very sad and I feel for you. My alarm bells went off when I read that 'he texted you that it was over and needed a break. I was dumped the same way in late 2014....by text...and it hurt. It is sad when someone doesnt have the strength to say it 'face to face'. Texting is not a 'caring' way to go about ending a relationship which you know anyway Soph.

The baby passing away is also very tragic and sad Soph.

If I may ask you...why did your partner hate your job?...besides the stress....

You should be proud to have the courage to post on BB Soph and well done too!

7 Years is a long time Soph...its been 3 months now and please excuse me...but anyone that dumps their partner by a silly sms is very weak (with respect to the good times you had of course)

You did love your partner without a doubt....and to cry after such a short time would be expected...ok?

You and your ex are similar ages to many people/volunteers on the BB forums....This site is very secure and you can vent your heart out Soph.

As a guy I feel sorry for your ex to have 'communicated' to you in the way he did. Txting is for teens, not adults.

We are here if you need to vent or even help others that are experiencing the same as you Soph.

Please be kind to yourself now and just post if you wish...

Kind Thoughts

Paul

I'm a new member -heartbroken

geoff — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 21:13:17 GMT

dear Soph, yes this is a sad story and what you must have had to cope with since Xmas is really a long time before you
have decided to post your comment, but that's understandable as it's never easy to do.
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of such a young person for his ex-wife, but that is something that will need a lot
of support, but at the moment it's hard to know where to start.
I have difficulty in trying to believe that he wasn't having an affair as it happened so quickly, when he texted you saying
that 'he needed a break', it just doesn't make sense, and deep down you feel the same, and by no means is it something
which can easily be forgotton about.
Whether or not you feel as though it maybe out of character, it's certainly not any way to break up with someone after 7
years in a relationship is not showing strong charactership.
He is most likely to do the same with this new girlfriend and also destroy another relationship, so please if or when he wants to come to you, you have to tell him to move on and find someone else.
His daughter may want to stay with you, because he has really upset her, but if she lives with you, is certainly not any
reason why he should return, because she is running away from him as well.
Love can't happen one way in any relationship, it requires the both of you to feel the love for each other.
I hope that you can please reply back to us, anytime you need to. Geoff. x

I'm a new member -heartbroken

Sophjane — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 08:53:59 GMT

Thank you for your lovely advise and a listening ear.

I am a primary school teacher ( kindergarten) he said I was always to busy for him. He works on an oil tank on the water in Western Australia. He was away a lot and not home often. I think I never quit because when he was away and what would I have done -I felt I would get bored. We had no children but he has a daughter from his first marriage. I have spoken to some of my friends and mutual friends and they are in shock and can't believe it either. I can't seem to go back to my house because it hurts to much but I know I will have to soon. I'm living with my parents who have also been so upset about the whole situation as my dad used to look after his farm when he was away.

I'm a new member -heartbroken

Sophjane — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 09:04:28 GMT

Thank you for your lovely message. It makes me a bit happier to know that he did do the wrong thing by texting the break up. I have really good days and some really sad days but I am feeling better than when it started. I don't know if he will come back as he is a guy who feels he is never wrong about anything. His daughter lives with his ex wife so I do feel like he wont come back. I do sometimes wish he would so I could get answers. Thanks

I'm a new member -heartbroken

geoff — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 17:34:35 GMT

dear Soph, thanks for getting back to us.
People who believe that they are never wrong can be very difficult people to live with, because when they are definitely
wrong but won't admit to it, then make them very hard to get on with in all facets of life.
Love can prevail for a long time but then it can make you annoyed from them not admitting to their mistakes, which will
then create problems, such as not telling you the truth, sorry. Geoff. x

I'm a new member -heartbroken

blondguy — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 03:15:06 GMT

Hi Soph

Paul here and thankyou for your response..

Geoff was spot on (above) about how not telling the truth can cause so much pain.

Is there anyone that can go back with you to your house? That would be a bonus..

I have known some people that are never 'wrong' about anything..It usually results in their own undoing Soph.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

I'm a new member -heartbroken

Sophjane — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 11:22:50 GMT

The more I try and get my life together again the more I go down. I don't know what to do with his daughter as he is now saying that if he spends time with me she has to give up her hobby. His asking her to chose between me and her hobby. This really upsets me as I feel for the daughter. I just can't believe he is doing this it is so out of his character, but maybe I was totally wrong about everything. I feel I should not have contact with his daughter until he clams down but why should she pay for his wrong. His ex wants me to see her but I don't want to make it to hard. I don't want his daughter to forget me either as she is only 8 years old. What should I do?

I'm a new member -heartbroken

geoff — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 17:44:35 GMT

dear Soph, this is what he he is doing, just as he can never be wrong, the same applies to him making the decisions he wants to happen, and that means forcing the issue between his daughter staying with you or her to forget about her hobby, sorry but that's dominance.
His daughter won't forget about you because there will be times when she wants to see you, whether he knows or whether he doesn't know.
This is a type of bullying as well, and I'm sure that he has told his daughter 'that's it's seeing you or stopping her hobby', and how can an 8 year old fully comprehend what this means.
I can't tell you what to do, but if you were my sister, I would say that you don't want to be used a pawn. Geoff. x

I'm a new member -heartbroken

blondguy — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 19:09:30 GMT

Good Morning Soph

He does appear to be a 'bully' as Geoff mentioned. They are usually insecure and are 'weak' inside. Kids have a 'clarity' that we dont Soph. He can say anything but his daughter knows how she feels about you.

Please dont let yourself be used as 'target practise' by him. You are an intelligent and kind person. He isn't.

Please be kind to yourself Soph

Paul

I'm a new member -heartbroken

Sophjane — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 07:20:26 GMT

I thought I was getting on with my life without him but I seem to have days where I go backwards and stay in bed for two or three days. I ran into his ex wife and she told me that my ex has told his daughter that she is not to mention me or the death of her baby brother. If she does she is to go to her room and gets into trouble. I find it so hard listening to this because he wasn't the guy I thought he was. Was he pretending with me to be nice, loving, kind for seven years or is he influenced by his new girlfriend? I just want to pull him aside and ask he what's going on but I know I can't because we are not together any more. It cuts my heart open to think he is doing this. Why is this so hard?

I'm a new member -heartbroken

pipsy — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 08:24:04 GMT

Hi there. You poor girl. It's sad you had to meet his ex and be told what you were told. Sometimes it's better not to know what's happening when you break with someone. It could be his conscience is getting to him which is why your name is taboo. He probably can't handle losing his baby either. It's hard for men to show emotion when it comes to grieving over someone's death. They are raised believing it's 'sissy' for boys to cry, so when his daughter mentions her brother, he simply can't handle it. Sorry to say this, but I feel he knew his new gf well before he moved in with her. It's also possible his new gf is trying to help him forget the misery of losing his son. I think you need to try and move on with your life at this stage. Maybe in time you could try texting him just to say hello, but not yet. I also think next time you see his ex, you should just say hi, smile and walk away. Each time you talk to her, it opens wounds that need time to heal. I realize I sound a bit harsh, that's not the intention, I just don't like hearing the pain from when you see anyone connected to him. It doesn't really affect you anymore how he lives his life. I know you're worried about his daughter, but it's her mother's place to watch over her. He's obviously changed from what you knew.

I'm sorry if I offend, that's not the intention.

I'm a new member -heartbroken

blondguy — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 10:28:33 GMT

Hi Sophjane

I hope you are doing reasonably okay

Pipsy has the wisdom here that I dont. Even though its not what you wish to hear right now...I know Pipsy is being very kind and non offensive in any way. I wont bore you with repeating what she has said Soph...and I dont mean to be a pain but to see you in the pain you are only makes me reflect Pipsy's thoughts.

You are going through a really bad time right now...And I realise it doesnt help much but it may be time to 'walk away' and be 'Good to Yourself' Soph

We are still here for you...okay?

Paul

I'm a new member -heartbroken

white knight — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 15:02:38 GMT

Hi Sophjane, welcome

So much wise advice and comments from those above I have little to add really.

Except to agree that to text you is cowardice and you deserve better. That is inconsiderate and well, unforgivable. I to wouldn't believe him that he didn't have a bonding relationship prior to leaving you.

Time....is the healer. Over time you will accept that this was a terrible event in your life and you will trust again, someone that will be trustworthy. We men are not all the same.

Until then please weather the storm in your emotions and slowly gather together your strength. Distance yourself as much as you can from him and his world.

Read up here on many topics to learn to cope.

Cheers. Tony WK