topic Am I Normal??? in Relationship and family issues

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 22:48:02 GMT

It's been over a year now Ive been seperated and Im still mourning the loss of my wife and family.

After finding out she has cheated on me during my marriage and getting engaged straight after we seperated (less than 2 weeks) has been heartbreaking. She has subsequently broken up with the guy and hooked up with someone else seven weeks after that. In all this my kids had 3 father figures in less than 12 months and have been directed to lie and hide information to her parents and family.

I have been told by her dad im the perpretrator and she is the victim of the situation, which really hurts.

My family was my world and now they live an hour away, I feel lost and directionless. I still wake up and find they are not there, the pain kills me and I can physically feel the weight of it each day, where she has just left all this behind and got on with her life.

The laws seem to favour her so much and even though she has done everything to break us up, I still have to fight to see my kids.

Now I have to give up my entire life to move closer to them or I will miss out on my kids growing up. Im so sad about everything right now. Even her family (except her parents and a sibling) can see she has made a huge mistake and me and my kids will pay for it.

There are no winners in this other than her as she plays the victim card, but has done all this stuff during the marriage.

I feel so ripped off.....

Am I Normal???

white knight — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 07:01:26 GMT

Hi wanted_a_simple_life

Hi again. Boy, I can relate to your situation. It wasn't exactly the same but the pain was there.

Consider this, my kids 7and 4yo were with their mother when I left the family home following abuse from my then wife over an 11 year period. I knew for my kids to survive, they needed to remain in the family home, their school and for me to see them every second weekend and extra time on school holidays which happened.

Battling mental health issues made things really hard. I would resign form work only to find the child support agency kept billing me for maintenance. I forced myself to return to work and it was agonising.. a real struggle. My then first wife was cruel and evasive, did not respect my fatherhood and when speaking to her about the kids during the swap over she replied to me in a demeaning manner. She tried everything in her power to deny me attending parent and teacher nights and so on. She was revengeful and is to this day 20 years later.

My eldest daughter came to live with me at 12yo and stayed. Her mother disowned her for this !!. My youngest now 23yo visited me a few weeks ago after years of absence. Totally brainwashed I'm dubious I'll ever have her as a full daughter. It's like her mother visited me!. An echo of her.

To jump over this hoop of attitude by our ex spouses we need to grow enough confidence to endorse in our minds what is right and wrong. We feel guilt that we did wrong when we did no wrong or little wrong. We get comments from others, usually family of our ex spouses that points the finger at us, often due to our ex's manipulating the facts. so what can you do?

The best approach is to focus only on your children and your new life. Her family are not your friends.Seek out all avenues to get your entitlement of visitations for you and your children. As heartbreaking as it is to pick up and drop off your children remember- its for them to. Any comments that come back to you that is not true (often from the kids) just ignore. What goes around comes around...your kids will remember and face their mother in years to come.Don't say anything bad about their mother to them. Seek legal council to make sure you get your entitled visits through the family court.

In 1996 I lived in a tiny caravan.Everyday I'd stare into a mirror and tell myself "you are a good man Tony and deserve a good life".

It takes endurance but its worth every drop of sweat and your kids will love you for it.

Tony WK

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 07:23:42 GMT

Hi there. Everything Tony says is so right. Unfortunately whoever emotionally supports her will do so regardless of what the truth is because, quite simply, they don't want to believe anything to the contrary. I feel so sorry for you, but at the same time (and this is going to hurt), I feel you are well rid of her. She sounds very unstable, in and out of engagements. Try and concentrate on giving your kids as normal a life as possible. Eventually she will trip herself up and when she does, those kids are going to need you. Was she a good mum? With regards to the way the law works, they don't deal in emotions, just facts. If they dealt in emotions, there would be more people punished for the wrong they do everyday. Try not to involve her sibling in your arguments, I realize the temptation is there, but doing that will cause more agro than ever. The less contact you have with her, till you're strong enough emotionally, the better. Any dealings should be handled through solicitors. I realize how costly they are, but if you adhere to what you're advised, you will come out on top. Try not to bad mouth her to your kids, let her put you down. Whatever action you decide to take, think about it first. Discuss anything you're not sure of with your lawyer. I know it hurts the way she badmouths you, but each time she does, if you don't retaliate, she loses.

Remember BB is here if you need to 'blow off' steam.

Am I Normal???

loouuiiee — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 08:04:39 GMT

My mother was a very vindictive woman. She left my father for his friend when I was four years old. She thought I would not understand it or remember what was going on at the time and she spent the majority of my life trying to brainwash me into believing my father was a horrible person.

She abused him (and continues to abuse him 20 years later!) every time she speaks to him and she had physically abused and assaulted him also.

I was young but I saw through what she was trying to do because she lied to EVERYONE! my dad never gave up on me. He fought to see me.

when my mother moved us an hour away my dad travelled every weekend up and back to see me.

by the sounds of it your ex has lost her marbles & belive me your children need a good role model. They need both their parents in their life despite what they say (or what their mother tells them to say).

Fight for them & never give up.

if my dad did not fight to keep his relationship with me alive I honestly don't know what my life would have been like.

your children are probably confused and scared but they love you & need you.

As a father you have every right to see your children& be a part of their life.

wether your ex knows it or not your children want & need you there & she has no right to deny you or your children that.

Am I Normal???

blondguy — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 09:26:08 GMT

Hi Wanted

You should feel 'ripped' off...because you were...

I feel for you and what you are going through Wanted. I used to cry my heart out when I couldn't see my daughter,even with a court order...however I have some great news for you! Its a myth that the Family Law Court is pro female...they arent anymore

I succeeded in getting 'contact' with my daughter and like Tony I not only lived in a 'caravan' but a tiny 'bubble' until I eventually succeeded (not won...nobody wins) in having my court order enforced with the threat to my ex may 'go to prison' if she failed to provide the 'contact' the court order stated.

Pipsy means well but you already knew that venting your thoughts through your kids is a no go zone...

All dealings with your ex dont have to be through a solicitor....Thats also a myth..You dont!

I lived 45 minutes away from my baby daughter....please dont get up and move....haste makes waste...you will be able to see your kids..

Reading your post was identical to my experience on this one......

Not here to Preach just share the same situation

Here if you need us 'wanted'

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 10:56:39 GMT

Hey Paul. Please, don't read me wrong. I agree wanted_a_simple_life should be able to see his kids whenever he can. All I said was, he shouldn't try and fight his ex without knowing his legal rights. Emotions don't come into legal situations. Family services will only step in if the kids are being abused in some way. He doesn't actually say whether they are. He said his ex is very unstable, she's been unfaithful to him during their marriage, got engaged basically 5 minutes after separating. Then she got involved with someone else. If the kids are physically or mentally abused or neglected, Family services will investigate, then they do everything in their power to help HER. The last thing they do is remove the kids, even to give them to the father is a last resort. Family services will not even intervene between husband and wife unless the kids are threatened. I would never suggest he abandon his kids, that's the last thing I would suggest. The more he can see them and offer them stability, the better. I hope he does continue to fight to see them. I just said he should seek legal advise before doing anything he'll regret. I also agree with you that if she contravenes a court order, she will have to suffer the consequences. He mentioned his ex taught the kids to lie to her family. Children follow mum because she is usually (not always) the dominant parent, dad's usually are working, so mum sees them more. A very young child does as he/she's told for fear of punishment. If mum tells the kids not to tell dad or someone else something or 'I'll not let you watch t.v', naturally the child won't tell. Eventually, if it's not reinforced, the child forgets the threat and tells. I know I'm not telling you something you don't know, just reminding you how kids minds work. Please don't be offended by that last sentence. My ex was a prison officer in a women's prison, that's how I know how family services work. The amount of children born in prisons then handed to g'parents instead of dad's is unbelievable, but true. Even in prisons, family services only step in as a last resort. Usually, even then, her family take the children, it's always difficult for dad's to assume full custody without a court order, or mum agrees to it.

Am I Normal???

blondguy — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 22:14:52 GMT

Good Morning Wanted and Pipsy

I hope you are okay wanted...this is an awful and difficult time for you...If you are up to it...let us know how you are going 🙂

Hi Pipsy

You are spot on Pipsy....considering wanteds wife being the way she is your are absolutely right there...I will make sure my glasses are on next time.....and thankyou too (Hugs) I hope your day is good to you Pipsy

Kind thoughts

Paul

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 02:16:50 GMT

Hi All, thanks for your input. I still find it hard to move on cause my family was everything to me. I now have to rediscover myself after putting myself last all the time.

Her new man seems very selfish and self absorbed like her, I wonder how thats going to go???

I still struggle to see a better future for me cause I never thought I would miss seeing my kids growing up.

Kind Regards

WSL

Am I Normal???

white knight — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 03:51:39 GMT

Hi WSL

It is very normal to still think about your ex and the man she is with. This is a person you loved and it takes time to move on.

I used to think a lot about my ex wife's defacto, he was a really nice guy. Then one day about 3 years after he married her, he stopped me leaving after I dropped my kids off. He asked me "I have some problems and I thought I'd ask you a few questions" (my ex was at work). I said "don't tell me....she sleeps in till the afternoon, wont help with the housework and you cant get her out of bed to get her to work"? (they worked a the same employer). He was stunned. "That's right" he said. I then proceeded to tell him that this laziness was the main reason my marriage failed and earlier on in my marriage I had two toddlers that I tended to with nappy changing and looking after that she failed to do regularly. My ex didn't work then and wanted to be the homemaker. I would have swapped roles in an eye blink.

So karma does happen. To top that off their marriage failed and a third man entered her life and that failed. But you'd think that people with a poor track record would realise they are a big part of the problem but no...often humans cant look in the mirror- there is no insight into their own inconsiderate behaviour.

You have few cards to play. The trump card is making a life for yourself that will be filled with activity (I built my own house for example) which diverts your mind to productive creative things. You will still think about your kids but you might, like I did, have a sad few minutes then jump back into your project. An idle mind isn't good.

You should withdraw yourself from more internal harm of reminding yourself of what you've missed out on. As long as you know you did little wrong.

Picture this- my eldest daughter at 12yo had her shoes stolen at school while doing sports. She told her mother. Her mother made her wear big boots to school. A few days later my daughter rang me and cried that she was bullied at school for the boots. I bought her new shoes and delivered them to her at school (1 hour away). A week later on a visit to my place she asked if she could live with me. She did. Her mother never forgave her and eventually disowned her. My now wife of 5 years is called mum. I will walk this daughter down the aisle next year.

My youngest has little contact with me. She turned up here 4 weeks ago. She is brainwashed. I'll give her time.

Sometimes we have no choice but wait.

Tony WK

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 04:17:24 GMT

Hi W.S.L. Please don't walk away from your kids, they need you, they always will. As Tony says, try not to fret about your ex, she's not worth it. Her new man being so much like her, believe it or not, they will soon start aggravating each other. When you get two people who are alike in a situation/relationship, they soon start trying to outdo each other in wanting to be first. There can only be too many cooks for so long, before one tries to take over completely. Let your kids know they have a home with you whenever they need it. As they get older, they will get fed-up with their home situation and want to remove themselves. Keep in touch with them often. Your ex and her new man are nothing to do with your relationship with your kids.

Am I Normal???

loouuiiee — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 08:44:37 GMT

You say that your ex's new partner is just like her. That sounds like it could be quite a toxic relationship. it doesn't sound promising.

Remember that what parents do sets an example for their children. Both parents set an example and regardless of what happens with your ex please remember that at the end of the day it is crucial that you are setting a good example for your children.

let the feeling of thinking you are doing something that they can be proud of fuel you.

You want them to grow up & remember how you handled the situation the best that you could and for them to be proud of you.

Keep in contact with them as much as you can.

You can use smart phones & IPads connected to WiFi to FaceTime them once a day, or a few nights a week. Give them a phone call when possible.

Try and keep your children's opportunities for contact up with other family members on your side of the family. For example; Uncles, Aunties, Cousins & Grandparents.

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Mon, 29 Feb 2016 21:50:06 GMT

I really struggle being away from my kids, this morning I woke up and imagined if they ran into my room and gave me a hug. I feel so robbed and they were my life, my everything....I feel a massive part of me is missing and dont think I will ever be the same again....

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Mon, 29 Feb 2016 22:22:11 GMT

Hi there. Wanted_A_Simple_Life. I really feel sorry that you are not coping well without your kids. They are probably missing their dad too. Is there any way you could contact them just to say hi and how much you love them. I take it they're school age. Perhaps you could pop along to the school and at least see them. Get in touch with someone from your ex's family to ask how they're doing. If you're really concerned maybe talk to someone from family services, explain the situation (without getting emotional, a HUGE ask), ask if someone could perhaps at least visit the home to make sure they're okay. I wouldn't ring family services, go in person. Try talking to someone older, they seem to employ young people who don't have the understanding required. Maybe see if you could have a supervised visit. I know you want to see them unsupervised, but if you're prepared to 'play the game' for now, things may change in the future. Do you have a good lawyer, talk to him/her about how concerned you are about the kids. Ask through your lawyer about seeing them more often. You are financially responsible for them, therefore you do have rights, but, as I said before, you have to be seen to be 'behaving'. Don't give up, I do understand, it's almost impossible to keep fighting at times. As they get older, if they know where you are, they will come to you. My ex went over 20 years with no contact. It nearly broke his heart, but they contacted him about 12 years ago. He hears from them often now. Admittedly they're in N.Z, he's here in Oz. You do have the opportunity to get in contact, use it. Try to ignore her rubbish. Remember, eventually, the kids will want you permanently. Let them know you're there.

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 22:20:38 GMT

Thanks Pipsy, they are doing well, but Ive always been involved with bringing them up. Now I only see them for 50 hours a fortnight. I struggle to see past this season, cause I miss them so much and they were my world. Ive never been a selfish person and find it hard to enjoy things for myself as I got most of my enjoyment from my kids.

I feel so lost and numb and usually am so motivated. I drink a lot now just to cope as I never used to much at all.

I just dont know what to do....

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 22:47:41 GMT

Hi, I'm really sorry you only see them for such short bursts. I'm also worried about you drinking. When you're together, what do you do? Are you able to take them out for ice cream, spend any time with them alone at all. When you are not with them try thinking about next time you see them, what things they will share about their lives at school. Talk about things you want to do with them. Have you thought about applying for weekend visits with them, through your lawyer. Your ex would have to come up with a pretty sound reason why you can't have them o'night or weekends. I do understand what you're going through, being the non-custodial parent is heart wrenching. The more time you spend with them building a solid relationship, the better your chances of eventually being able to keep them longer. If you do apply for weekend or o'night visits, try not to make their lives with mum and her new partner the reason behind wanting them. Make this about them and your relationship with them. They are the important ones in your life.

Anytime you need to talk to a counsellor, BB have many here. Please remember we're here for you.

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 02 Mar 2016 23:05:47 GMT

Thanks Pipsy, I do a lot with them while they are with me and dont drink in front of them.

I do consider to have a solid relationship with them both and have worked hard to maintain it.

I travel two and a half hours(round trip) each week to spend one and a half hours with them.

I then have them every second weekend.

Im thinking about moving closer to them, but give up a great job and lifestyle and even freindships.

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 06:10:54 GMT

Hi there. I realize it's hard picking them up then handing them back and the time with them seems to fly. The time you take to travel would eat into the time you see them too. Moving closer to them would be a great idea, but as you say, you have a great lifestyle with good job and friends. If you did move closer would you bump into ex and her new man though. That's another consideration, if you did the temptation to say something nasty would be almost unbearable. What's great here is that you do see them, get to share mealtimes with them. Try to concentrate on the good times you have when you're together. Do you have movies of the times you share. When you're feeling really down, watch the movies. Every thing positive you do with them is also building good memories for you and them to look back on. You do need a job and home so that when you have them, you have somewhere for them.

Give them something to look forward to. If you moved closer they could visit more often, but it wouldn't be as exciting for them. Kids sometimes like to think dad has an exciting life somewhere else that they share. The tears they shed when they go home are quite normal too. They just get used to being with dad, then they're home to mum, so their world is a bit topsy-turvy at the moment. They probably have tears when they go with you too, for the same reason. It's hard for them to understand why mum and dad are apart. They're a bit young to comprehend you and mum don't get on.

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Thu, 03 Mar 2016 23:52:04 GMT

Thanks Pipsy, it is hard for them as they were on the frontline of the affair (she slept with the guy in the same room as the girls in the bed next to them) and she declared her love for him to them before we seperated.

I get so upset to think what they have emotionally been subjected too!

My heart breaks for them, they are too young for all this crap!

Am I Normal???

pipsy — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 00:36:47 GMT

Hi W.S.L. Can I ask if you told your lawyer this? That's abuse having young children subjected to that. If you can prove that, family services should be informed. I would tell your lawyer what you've just posted here, ask if there's some way of removing them from that. They will need counselling to help them understand they are not responsible for anything that happened. But if what you say is true, family services definitely need to know. If they know and they are watching her, that will continue for an indefinite period, but if you feel your kids are at risk from any sort of abuse, tell your lawyer, get him to act. Maybe get your lawyer to contact family services himself. They may listen closer to a lawyer than a father who they might think is not being totally honest. I know you are, but family services can be a bit mulish when fathers complain about possible abuse. From their point of view they hear so much, they need to be sure. If mother is still sleeping with this guy in the same room, no way is this right. I wouldn't say anything to anyone else, not even a close friend, see your lawyer, get him to contact F.S. That's also not saying they will come to you, but if they're removed from her, at least that's better for them. It's possible (don't count on it), she could be charged with contributing abuse.

Best of luck, your kids have to be protected.

Am I Normal???

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 09 Mar 2016 02:42:07 GMT

She would deny it ever happened. Thats what Im facing is lies, deciet and fakeness. What a great example for my kids.....