topic Do not know what to do next in Relationship and family issues

Do not know what to do next

dawes — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 09:09:27 GMT

My husband of 24 years is suffering from depression. He has been seeing a councilor which is good. Unfortunately he has always had an issue with my only daughter and I think feeling is mutual. Talk about being torn. Well it all came to a head at Christmas something was said and I confronted him but instead of being my normal calm self I snapped at him. Well he walked out spent a night at a Motel. He did come home but would not talk to my daughter & her husband. When they left he moved into spare room and told me to consider him a boarder. He said he didn't love me anymore & I did apologize for the way I reacted and told him that I still love him. Well he has been intimate with me so I am so confused. He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself. What the hell can I do?

Do not know what to do next

trustlife — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 21:31:01 GMT

Hi Dawes,

Thanks for your post. "The Councillor advised him to stop being intimate with me", that doesn't sound right. I'd probably start with a joint visit to the councillor. If your husband agrees to the meeting with the 3 of you then you're on the right track. I won't get into the issue with your daughter. There are many many reason for family spats, but in reality the solution is always the same. A quite conversation that involves listening on both sides, instigates a level of trust and understanding and re-kindles a bond and the strength to move forward. This applies to you, your husband, your daughter and her husband. I'm not suggesting a big 'free-for-all' discussion but take it step by step. I'd get you and your daughter to have a quite word first. You need an ally. She may have some insights on your husbands state of affairs. Don't be confused by his intimacy but use it as a stepping stone to building your relationship back.

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Kathryne — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 00:08:47 GMT

Hi Dawes,

Family dynamics!

You love them and forgive just about everything, obviously something had been building for you "not to be usual calm self"

"He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself" I tend to agree with the councillor here.

My reasoning being:

If you remain intimate and he does not love you , what does that do to your mental health? Are we confusing love with sexual release.

The councillor may have stated this , however in a different manner. In an attempt to assist your husband sort through his feelings. If he does not love you, why does he still feel an intimate connection? areas to explore!

How do you feel about his current status? Has your daughter explained her reasoning for the " issue" can you resolve that issue and move forward from there.

Wishing you well

Kathryne

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Stollie — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 11:46:14 GMT

Depression Sucks. My last partner also suffered from depression bup despite antidepressants he still had a high.sex drive, which isentitled to help some people out with there feelings. Although my w partner has lost.all interest in sex, which is ok but makes me feel rejected. Hope this gives you some insight to the differences can happen between different peoples bodies

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dawes — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 23:05:04 GMT

Thank you so much for your reply. I had mentioned to my husband that I would go to his session if he wanted me to or the councilor thought it may help. No answer but at least he didn't say no. He appeared to be a little upset after his session and didn't sleep well but yesterday he seemed quite happy. I thought I would wait a few days and then ask him if we could have a meeting with councilor together. The issue with my daughter is the very strong bond we have and many years ago before we married we were on holidays with another couple and my daughter called and advised her fiance left her and their 4 month old baby, obviously very upset and need to talk to me. She did ring 3 times. When 3 rd call came they all remarked it would be my daughter again. Well I stormed out and husband came after me and he mentioned she was calling all the time. One thing lead to another and I said "Don't ever make me choose between you and my daughter' that has haunted him since as he brings it up often. They did sit down together a few years later and admitted they were jealous of one another because they both wanted my attention. He does not have any children of his own so perhaps that is part of the problem as well. Perhaps too much water under the bridge?

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dawes — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 07:19:00 GMT

Well I would like to thank you for your words of advice but it looks like he may have made up his mind. He has asked his work to pay his wages into his own account and said that he is only staying because he cannot afford to move out.

Guess I will just have to deal with it the best way I can. May need a counselor myself.

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pipsy — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 08:40:32 GMT

Hi dawes. It's so sad, the predicament you're in. Depression can make people hurt others when they are hurting as a way of getting back at whoever they think is responsible for the original hurt. He seems to be blaming your daughter for his inability to 'connect' with her. There's possibly fault on both sides, I can't say, but usually when stepfather and step children have problems it's because there's issues with biological father. If your daughter's father is not on the scene, jealousy for the connection between you and daughter seems to be causing problems. How long were you alone before you remarried? If your daughter had you to herself for several years, she would've been a bit put out when you started a new relationship. The fact that your hubby had no children would've made things difficult too. He would have no idea how to communicate with a grownup girl. How are you going to survive financially if he has arranged to have his wages paid into a separate account? Sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants to stay with you, but he doesn't want to look after you financially. I think I'd be suggesting he leave. I know you love him, but you have needs that he's not accepting as part of marriage. I definitely think you seeing a counsellor to help you get your life back on track is a good idea. A counsellor would be able to steer you in the right direction with financial help too.

I'm concerned about how you're going to manage.

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blondguy — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 11:19:52 GMT

Hi Dawes

I am sorry that I am late in the thread. Like Pipsy said...This is a sad predicament you are in and your husband seems (just my humble opinion) to be out of line here...Id be suggesting he leave as well Dawes.

I am sorry for the anguish and the dreadful time you are going through right now

I dont have the experience that Pipsy and others above have, but can you please let us know how you are going......if you wish of course

We are here for you

Kind Thoughts for you Dawes

Paul

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Stollie — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 12:27:28 GMT

As well as dealing with the whole depression crap myself, I also worked in mh. I found that some people whether they do it on purpose or not, when.they get unwell they start to draw away from those who are close to them. Also these actions also need to be watched as some people at this time think about hurting themselves . I don't wanna scare you but sometimes depression can make anyone do things they usually wouldn't consider due to the emotional pain they are suffering. Hope this helps

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dawes — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 02:10:23 GMT

Thankyou Pipsy for your input, appreciate this very much.

Not sure where to find a counselor.

As far as how I am going to manage. Well I am still working but we have mortgage & neither of us can afford to pay the other out so would have to sell the house. We also have my Mother(96) living with us for last 13 years. He is very good to her and said would be hard to find anything around here with the comfort she now has. Guess he is thinking of her which is nice.

Just feel emotionally drained but need to hold it together for everyone concerned especially my Mum and I do not want to put too much pressure on him either as I would not want him to hurt himself.

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pipsy — Mon, 22 Feb 2016 02:49:21 GMT

Dear dawes. I understand where you're coming from with your mum to consider, and I hate to say this, but at the moment, the last person I'd be considering is your hubby. Have you considered selling and going your separate ways? Just an idea. If you ring relationships Australia, they have excellent counsellors who would be able to point you in the right direction as far as your marriage, mum and you go. I think they have a system where they could help you money-wise too. If your hubby wants to continue living there, he's going to have to help pay food and other expenses. BB is also here for counselling too.

Keep in touch, if we can help in other ways we will try.

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dawes — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 05:05:02 GMT

Pipsy,

Well found out today that my husband told me he had a luncheon to go to but on his return said he had been to a solicitor. I guess the writing is on the wall and looks like I need a counselor AND a solicitor.

Good birthday present for me for tomorrow. Guess I have to pretend to be happy again

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pipsy — Tue, 23 Feb 2016 05:47:36 GMT

Hi dawes. I'm so sorry for this predicament. Another cross to bear on top of everything else. A counsellor at this stage is an excellent idea. May I also congratulate you on your birthday. With not having dependant children, the only common bond here is your home. I would hold off seeing a solicitor, if he wants to waste money, let him. If he wants to move out, also, let him. I left my hubby late last year, neither of us has seen a solicitor as there is no property settlement. However, one step at a time. Find out what hubby wants to do. If you check online, you may find that after 12 months apart, no children, you can apply for a divorce online. All you would need a solicitor for is if you decide to sell your house, then you see a conveyancing lawyer.

Again - may I say how sorry I am that this has happened.

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blondguy — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 04:42:38 GMT

Happy Birthday Dawes

I just read about your husband engaging a solicitor...If I can say how sorry I am for what you, your daughter and of course your 96 year old mum...(bless her) are going through right now...

Pipsy was spot on here..small steps...and let your hubby have the legal bills....

I am just making sure we have left the Welcome mat out for you Dawes if you need us

Paul

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dawes — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 07:55:35 GMT

Thanks for you kind words. Feeling not so emotional at the moment, more like tight knot in the gut that won't go away. He wants me to download some of my super, pay his bills and give him 5000.00. He finished moving everything out of our room last night (moved into spare room) Asked him if this is what he was advised to do before Christmas. He said yes but also so he would not be intimate just to satisfy himself. We have talked more and he came up with what he wanted (with help from legal aide). I asked him to write it down & he said I told you. But when I said I wanted it in writing he asked if I was going to seek legal advice. My answer YES as I have just as much right as he does. He is going to ask legal aide what to write now. Starting to think he has planned this for a long time.

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pipsy — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 09:06:50 GMT

Hi dawes. There is no way I would agree to his demand of downloading your super, paying his bills or giving him 5000. I think a lawyer would advise you against his demand to. I find it quite appalling he has the nerve to demand that. Yes, you have the right to legal advice and I would hold off doing anything till you've had it. I honestly don't think he has any right to anything. As I said before, if all you have in common is your house, I would consider selling, halving the proceeds and going your separate ways. If you had dependant children, different story. Have you tried down loading advice re: separation/divorce. We were married 25 years, no children. I have to wait till we've been apart 12 months before we look at what to do re: the house. I think you're right, he has been planning this. I hope you are alright, in yourself. Any bills that come in from him are his, not yours. With this demand for 5000, it sounds as though he could be trying it on. In my own case, once we are divorced, my hubby has to have our house valued, then depending on what the valuation is, he makes me an offer. If I refuse (which I have the right to), it'll drag on till I accept his offer. Hopefully, it'll be similar for you. Unless you decide to move and leave him there. If the house is jointly owned (like ours) you will have the same situation as me. Hope this bit of advice helps clarify things slightly.

Please keep us posted. Take care of yourself and your dear mum.

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blondguy — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 10:56:26 GMT

Hi Dawes

You know in you heart what is happening here. You are intelligent and speak from the heart. If I may say great move to ask for it in writing..Excellent and well done to you. I have read everything you have said ( more than a few times) and even though its just my opinion....Please dont touch your super...You have worked for it..its yours...not a 'bank account' you can draw from for your husband.

Your answer on his query re getting legal advice was spot on Dawes...YES! Please stick to your guns here...Everything I have read so far has many 'red flags' from your husband...I admire your strength and independence on this matter.

The super (Your Super) is yours. You are doing a great job of crossing the 'T's and dotting the 'I's.

You do have the same rights as your husband. There is no difference.

Here if you need us Dawes...and well done to you!

Paul

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dawes — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 11:15:55 GMT

Thanks Paul. Nice to know someone is there. Unfortunately I do not have friends close enough or that I can trust to talk to and provide an unbiased opinion. My family will always take my side I know but not the same.

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blondguy — Sun, 28 Feb 2016 11:25:46 GMT

No worries Dawes...Psst..dont tell anyone but my support network has 1 person..seriously. But I am thankful for that.

Dawes...it is always so good to be able to get another 'point of view' on things from a neutral person(s)..Exactly!

Here for you 🙂

Paul

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dawes — Tue, 08 Mar 2016 09:22:40 GMT

Well nice people I have an update for you.

I think my husbands depression was caused by having to make a decision he didn't want to make.

He seems to be fine now. He is still living in the house even though we are separating, but he is now spending all his time in HIS bedroom chatting on line (Skype) with a new female "Friend". He tried to hide it. I knocked on his door to give him some legal info and there he was chatting on Skype with someone (Apparently she hid under her desk when I walked in) I told him to tell her not to hide I do note care if he chats to a friend.

Funny when you lie and try and hide things, they always trip up somewhere. He asked me for a pre payment on the settlement as he needed to pay bills get his car fixed and wanted to go away for the weekend. So I asked if he needed the car fixed for the weekend away. He says sort of. I put 2 & 2 together he was going to fly to where this lady is. So I asked him. He said there nothing sexual or anything. Really!! I wasn't born yesterday & I know he hates living on his own so thought well he has his next one lined up.

Well I decided to give him the money but it will be in our Separation orders. Had a talk to him about how hurtful it was knowing he didn't love me anymore and now his is doing this. Asked him to be himself in my shoes - how would he feel? He said well I would just say get on with your life. Also told him how selfish he was because I am doing all the organising and wasn't even interested in the Orders from Solicitor he just wanted to get back to chatting.

Well trying very hard now to refinance the mortgage and increase it so I can pay him out (Don't want to have t move my mum). HE can claim of 78% of my super so just want the house now so hopefully value will increase in next few years so I can get some back. Will have to continue working

Well keeping my emotions in check and maintaining calm demeanor !! Otherwise I think I will crash