topic This is for them in Relationship and family issues

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 02:07:59 GMT

I'm putting in some hard yards for two beautiful young people and it is starting to pay off, slowly but surely and not without pain. I'm not going to let my ex-wife deny them their father. I'm not going to let the system allow me to fall through the cracks. There is still a long way to go but this is for them.

This is for them

Guest_1055 — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 02:17:54 GMT

Hey Bob..

You sound so strong in character and determined. Your children are blessed to have such a strong loving Daddy.

Shell x

This is for them

Starwolf — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 03:33:18 GMT

Hey Bob,

Growing up with both parents (together or separated) is every child's birthright. Our children depend on us, it is up to the "grown-ups" in their life to stand up for them when needed. What better motivation ?

So well done to you. I hope your ex can accept that you are here for them and will let you assume your role without trying to throw a spanner in the works. When couples separate, the idea is to put an end to whatever struggles and controversies made the relationship unsustainable. Sadly, it is not always the case as some people have trouble putting the past behind them. However, that's exactly where it is and will stay, no matter what. The past has no future. Mothers do worry about their children's future and welfare. Hopefully, she will soon see it is a bright new day, move on and accept that you have done so too. If she's not open to verbal communication, perhaps the written word could help ? Have you considered writing her a letter, explaining where you're at and what your goals are for your own future and your children's ?

As for the system, yeah...this can be a slow, frustrating one too. I have had my battles with them in the past.

You obviously have the strong motivation and determination to rise above those obstacles. We cannot be there with you but we're here to support you if/when battle fatigue gets you down, to cheer you on (and hopefully up too). Go get them Bob !

This is for them

pipsy — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 05:15:39 GMT

Hey R.B. Power to you.

This is for them

BeFree08 — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 05:36:24 GMT

"if you don't give up and don't give in you may just be okay".......... I think one of my favourite lines in all songs ever and one I draw on when needed. So....... don't give up and don't give in and you will be OK. I never gave up on my darling son who was taken from the school yard by his father and the heart break and stress and grey hairs have been worth the battle to be a part of his life again. People can be so self absorbed and at times cruel but you rise above that..........and never forget the power of karma. x

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 06:01:03 GMT

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." - Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird

This is for them

white knight — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 09:15:37 GMT

Hi RB

Since you rebounded in life your challenges have been met one at a time and with such ferocity that its amazing. You are meeting each challenge head on. Great stuff.

Be all the while aware that some challenges met with this mental commitment could result in decisions by others that will disappoint. You might need to have a level of acceptance that you cant win them all. But merely trying is enough.

A few things- when my first marriage split, workmates one by one would say "it takes two" when referring to a marriage split eg one person cannot be fully at blame. Well not really. It might take just one attitude to ruin it all. And some arrogant people would take the view that they never did one thing wrong...well they married their spouse and it didn't work out so they should have been wiser and not married. That's a harsh reality of words but you get my meaning. My ex wife, mother of my kids, still holds a grudge, 20 years after it split...her problem. But she holds grudges to the next two husbands she has had also. A commonality there. Tells me everything.

So my message is, where it comes to the family legal mine field, people get hurt. Fight it as hard as you can emotionally and financially but don't be afraid of recognising your limits. If that means waiting until your kids grow up (time flies) before you can join relations then so be it.

We humans cant control every dream when others bend the truth. Good luck on that mate.

Tony WK

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 16:19:46 GMT

Tony, I am under no apprehension that justice may prevail. I know the system and it is inherently biased in favour of the mother no matter how badly behaved that mother may be. That is why I quoted AF above; at least I can say I tried. Defeatist? Maybe. Realist? Of course.

This is for them

Bigwool — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 19:52:56 GMT

Hey RB,

As I sit in bed to face to start facing another day without my kids in my life full time following a recent separation, I draw inspiration from blokes like you, who are further thru this process than I am, that things will get better, life will go on, new people will come into my life to brighten my outlook.

My kids (6 & 3) are everything to me, but you're right, the system will protect the Mum regardless of the situation and the best I can do is be there when I'm allowed (I hate using that term) to have my kids in my new home and enjoy every second of this precious gift we call life.

Cheers, Bigwool.

This is for them

geoff — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 22:05:10 GMT

hi RB, I am firstly pleased that you have had all these great replies, and secondly it's the love for your children that has prevailed, because that's what they want, just as you do.
Fortunately my 2 sons had grown up before my wife divorced me, but even so it still rocks the boat, as their family home had to be sold, and can leave an empty spot in their hearts, sure as time progress's their love for the home diminishes, just as realising that the family has been broken up.
I know that your determination to keep your children will be shown later on in your life as they will share their kids with you and be very close to look after their grandpa. Geoff.

This is for them

BeFree08 — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 01:45:53 GMT

Firstly - do not accept this as a challenge to your circumstances - as I feel pain too. My heart is broken - my son's father took him from the school yard last October ( he is unemployed and twice bankrupt and he walked when I was pregnant as I was "getting fat" best thing that happened) - fast foward - the system has failed me beyond belief. I work full time in a government job - squeaky clean history, pay bills, good community member, JP, blah blah blah and I have been stone walled on every occasion, mediation, Child Support, I even had to answer charges in court for child abuse which were fabricated by the father, this was thrown out but none the less, the humiliation of facing a court room, first time ever for something I did not do!!!!. Friends in good places and 20 years standing, cannot believe this has happened. One friend offered $50K to start the court proceedings to have my son returned to me, another offered to get Andrew Bolt from the media involved and get this system exposed - I had no leg to stand on BECAUSE there was no court order in place and the father has not broken the law!!!!. My son had been well coached and poisoned and at an age (13) where he has a voice. Private legal advice was it will cost $10k's and years of emotional stress, could I handle that. My thoughts were I would be viral at the end of day in the court room as the nutter who launches across the court room and assaults the father. I can attest the system does not inherently favour the mother - they favour the best bullshitter. This does not take anything away from what you are being dealt but I can say, by biding my time and not reacting to a situation which was deliberately created for the drama, and having sat through a painfully lonely Christmas and both our birthdays without my son, I am now getting little taps on my door peppered with love from a young man who should never have left. So hang in there - I do not believe the Courts are necessarily the right place for a child to learn from an 'old man', who they do not know, what is the best for them - and trust me - they will begrudge the interference from said 'old man' who would prefer to be on a golf course not a bench. The system is not user friendly!!! Our children do not need to be dragged into drama that others may need in their lives to validate themselves.

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 06:59:34 GMT

Thanks all for your words of support. I was thinking about my life today. I wrote this in my head while walking, walking, walking...

The beauty of being forced to reset is that I can reinvent myself until I am happy with what I am. There is nothing as clarifying as living hand to mouth with no fixed address. I am a pile of Lego blocks from a dismantled old project with the potential to be the best construction ever. Daunting but exciting.

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 09:14:11 GMT

BeFree08, fair call about the system not being on the mother's side just the best bullshitter's side. I apologise for my generalisation. I am sorry about your circumstances. I don't think you are trying to out victim me at all. I went through all this crap ten years ago with a previous marriage. The boys, now 21 and 17, have only just come around to realise that their mother was a good bullshitter and their father wasn't half the things they we told. Pity it destroyed me and triggered my first mental breakdown. Yes, I could reconcile myself to the fact that in ten years or more my little ones may seek me out however I don't have ten years to wait. I'm old and tired. The next breakdown will kill me.

This is for them

geoff — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 18:23:03 GMT

dear RB, as much as it may sound to be futile to say this, but we never know what's around the corner, what's going to happen tomorrow, because life is full of unexpectations, and yes when our luck in down then everything may happen or presume it to happen because we are feeling down, and this has happened to me many times.
I can tell someone not to think in a negative way, but I'm not sure that it would help them, because that has to come from them, so the disappointment goes both ways, with me and with you, but we can still be there for you.

BeFree, I like what you have written and sorry to hear what you have said, because depression will never win in a court room when it comes to custody. Geoff.

This is for them

loouuiiee — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 21:54:12 GMT

I work with quite a few disadvantaged children & each day i hear and see many of their little hearts morning that they do not get to see their father very often, do not have a positive relationship with their father, or some have never even met their father.

it is a breath of fresh air to see that you are determined to have a positive relationship with your children.

This is for them

white knight — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 03:22:52 GMT

Roberty Bob

Re: "The next breakdown will kill me."

I'm not going anywhere. Be here for you.

Tony WK

This is for them

BeFree08 — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 07:33:40 GMT

My advice to you, and you should take it :-), don't have one (a breakdown that is)........ Some situations are just out of our hands, you need to at times be a spectator in your own life and let it be what it is. As hard as that is the other option could potentially be the last straw. I know if I took on what you did I would have been in the same boat. That is why it was very carefully considered the options, as mentioned I had the financial resource but could I do it. NO - I don't think so. So - BOB the Lego Builder - take a step back, breathe in, and for your OWN sanity step back from the fight but be there when the fight implodes on itself - in the interim go and live a little. Don't lose your mental health or good health over it. You are still a person that deserves a life worthy of being lived. Keep putting the pen to paper - you never know where it might take you.......... x

This is for them

Roberty_Bob — Sun, 13 Mar 2016 14:41:11 GMT

Thank you all for your wise words and kind support. Their mother probably was sick of them on Sunday morning and apparantly they were asking after me so much that she had to leave them with me for the day. AWESOME! We went to the World Science Festival snd had a great time. We were also to go to the school picnic but it got rained out. Ate some good food and a lot of junk. It sort of destroys her argument that I'm a bad father who can't be trusted with the children, doesn't it?