topic Toxic People in Relationship and family issues

Toxic People

Light9 — Sat, 07 Dec 2013 05:45:51 GMT

Hi there

I live in a reasonably small town away from my home state with no family or good friends. The problem is my partner's friends are pretty 'rough' and I don't fit in at all. Only one of them works, the others all live off the government having babies. They treat me very badly and it's starting to make me feel suicidal. I have stopped going to their houses but they are very old friends and relatives and so they come to us to see my partner. I just can't seem to escape them and their passive aggressive behaviour. I feel like I try so hard to be decent and they just keep treating me badly. It's making me sick. I must join some groups and get out there and make new friends, I know, but I have had 2 miscarriages and been very down from that too. My own family have never been interested in visiting me - not once in 5 years and that hurts very much. When I fly home I feel nervous stying with them as my mother and sister can be hysterical and controlling. They both have Bi polar disorder. I have had to alienate myself more and more to the point where I feel if I didn't have my lovely partner I would be dead for sure. I wish anyone reading this strength and positivity and to know that you are not alone. Nelson Mandella has inspired me to keep going this week with his gracious amazing outlook on life.

Toxic People

Beetle — Sat, 07 Dec 2013 09:27:35 GMT

HI Light9

Sounds like you are in a tricky situation and quite on your own, except of your partner.

Enduring those toxic people would be teribble. When they come over to your house is there a possibility that you can retreat somewhere with the excuse to " study or work from home" to escape their "toxicness'?

I couldt stand such a situation. just becasue they r ur partners friends doesnt mean you must hang out with them. be polite and try to disapper when they come.....Any chnace doing that?

Good vibes your way.hope u find some nice poeple soon.

Beetle

Toxic People

beyondblue_Online_Communi — Sun, 08 Dec 2013 06:38:37 GMT

Hi there,

Beetle has made some great suggestions. You could also consider getting some psychological help via therapy or counselling to look further at those suicidal thoughts.
You can ring the Beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636. They can direct you to where some counselling services are.

Take care,
Beyondblue Team

Toxic People

Light9 — Sun, 04 May 2014 23:18:45 GMT

Does anyone have an abusive person in their life that always manages to "come up smelling of roses"? It's like no matter how badly someone treats you a) the world doesn't care and b) nor do the people who are supposed to protect you. Some people are just very popular and seem to get away with anything..

Toxic People

Light9 — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 07:13:43 GMT

Hi there, I am hoping to gain some support for what seems to me to be a very toxic situation.

My husband was raised by drug dealers and criminals, and therefore, seems to know a number of very shady people. My husband turned out to be the diamond amongst the rough and is nothing like these people. I myself have come from a good family.

The problem is that these people are derelict, destructive, abusive and violent. they treat me with hostility and contempt - yet I have only ever been kind to them. We do not see them, except for the times they ring my husband for help, or recently, a funeral that we all attended.

The problem is, my husband never stands up to them. Last night one of them screamed, smashed a bottle and threatened to punch my husband if he didn't keep me away from them at any occasion (such as the funeral). There is no added complexity to this, these people are insane and delusional abusive people who I have never been rude to. I know it is because my husband doesn't see them much anymore and they all worship him.

But the problems they cause are extreme and my husband never stands up to them or cuts them off. I don't know if I can live with this anymore. I wish you all strength and thanks for reading this. I feel very alone in the world and don't know where to turn. I have no kids at 42 years I can't. It's been going on for 5 years now and it's really taken it's toll.

Thanks again, Light9

Toxic People

Neil_1 — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 22:17:44 GMT

Hello Light

Welcome back to Beyond Blue again, but I so wish it was under different circumstances. I’m so sorry to read that this horrible situation that you are faced with continues to be so bad for you and if anything, it sounds like it’s potentially getting worse.

I’m gathering that you’ve had discussions with your husband about this? Does he not agree that this situation is getting totally out of hand? One other question on this part about your husband is: Have you expressed to him your very real concerns – and pretty much the thoughts you expressed in your last paragraph?

I’m sorry Light, but I cannot understand how your husband won’t stand up for you – or hells bells, even himself when he was threatened with a broken bottle!

I wish that I could give you some more helpful, positive advice – my other thought on this is, have you thought about going to the police to let them know the situation? I think that could actually be warranted now, due to the physical and violent threats that were made to your husband.

I do hope that other posters will be able to come along and provide some more helpful advice to you.

Kind regards

Neil

Toxic People

CrashCoyote — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 23:23:17 GMT

Hello Light9,

I have read your posts and know you are in a very difficult situation. I am a 51yo retired NSW Police Sergeant and spent most of my life working in very violent and low socio-economic areas of Sydney.

Also, I was in a relationship for seven years with a woman who is very intelligent, very attractive and a very good catch. She had a child that was the result of a short fling with an unemployed pot smoker, and after she became pregnant chose to keep the baby and felt obliged to have him stay in her life, he ended up living with her. I could go on all day theorizing about why a woman that could do much better was initially drawn to him but what is done is done. She ended up kicking him out and when we were in a relationship she told me what he was like with her. He used to emotionally abuse her, routinely cheat on her, smoke pot in the house and when they went to see his friends and families (mostly recidivist criminals and/or chronically unemployed) he made a point of publicly humiliating and denigrating her. Why a woman of such intelligence endured this I do not know.

I am not suggesting that your husband is like this, you say he is good to you. What I am saying is that I understand that women can find themselves in your position and it is much more complicated than most would think. I think your situation is not just toxic, but untenable.

You must decide what you want for your future. If your husband will not (or can not) stand up for you or keep them out of your life and away from your home, you are stuck. If he agrees to do that it may end up with him resenting you, as sure as eggs they will constantly tell him he is whipped. You are in a small town, so how can you hope to avoid them, anyway?

You could consider leaving the town (with or without him) and starting your life elsewhere. My friend Neil has suggested you see the Police but I do not think that the escalation will deter the activities of these people, in fact rather the opposite, in my experience.

There are no easy answers but if my advice means anything to you, I want to tell you that you are dealing with very dangerous people who can become volatile, unpredictable and brutal when enraged, drug or alcohol fueled or both. To tell you the things I have seen such people do would contravene the rules of this site as they would cause distress to people of reasonable firmness, let alone some of the trauma victims that are on our forums.

Please keep posting.

Kind regards, John.

Toxic People

geoff — Wed, 10 Dec 2014 21:03:17 GMT

dear Light, I am so sorry that you are involved in this situation, not that you want to be, but if your husband can't or won't move away from this situation then I truly believe that John's the best man to advise you.

When I say move away, well this is not as easy as it sounds, because there maybe some way they have a hold on him, which would prevent him to stop any contact at all, which means that there could be danger on the horizon.

Can I suggest that you keep contact with this site under wraps, however does your husband know, only because of any repercussions. L Geoff. x

Toxic People

Pixie15 — Wed, 10 Dec 2014 23:28:26 GMT

Hi Light9,

It sounds like you are in a difficult position cut off from your own family and having to deal with your partners family who it does not sound you have anything in common with. I have some sympathy for your partner because I can understand that family connections are hard to sever even with family members who are difficult.

If you are going to stay in this town and you want to keep the relationship with your partner you will need to find other ways to connect with people who you have more in common with. Your power is in your own behavior.

If you have a local women's or community health center it will be able to provide access to counseling and group support. Also it is a good idea to check out your local library a lot of different interest groups will leave flyers their.

Another thought I had is if your partner always comes up smelling of roses he may have more overt or covert style of aggressive behavior. A counselor will be able to help you to understand your relationship.

I know it can be hard to take the first step to ask for help especially when your confidence has been undermined by difficult circumstances but you deserve it.

Grateful.

Toxic People

CrashCoyote — Fri, 12 Dec 2014 11:44:46 GMT

I am thinking of you. How you going?

Toxic People

ilovetoread73_ — Thu, 14 May 2015 15:28:57 GMT

*warning* talking about miscarriage.

It sounds like your partner is feeling caught in a hard place between his "friends" of by understanding are not really friends and you his partner. My partner finds it extremely difficult to stand up to his family for me. They are not cruel people but they do not understand about my family estrangement - which my FIL decided to have a go at me over Christmas about. Also the fact I am unsure if they funnelling information to my parents (a word they don't deserve to be called) with photos of my son etc. I also had two miscarriages before my son came along. My husband found it difficult to say anything to my in-laws or FIL when he made a joke unknowingly that we wouldn't know what to do with a baby. Some men aren't great with expressing themselves in a direct way in my opinion and if it is going to be difficult like our blokes' situation I think it may be very hard to expect anything. Recently after having a huge anxiety attack my husband finally spoke to my MIL. They still do not understand though. Anyway what I can suggest is that you find a safe place for you to be you. A women's group that may even be under the guise of a hobby, painting etc. Whatever you might like. You don't have to tell your partner it's a women's group just you are painting. Hopefully you will find support and understanding and also build some friends if you do decide to change your life in any way, small to large. I know miscarriages are hard. I was devastated after my second miscarriage. I was buttoned up like a hard nut and never thought I would cry over anything after my childhood but this was one of the hardest if not hardest times in my life since my childhood. Grieve privately if you need to but remember to grieve. It will allow you to get on with your life, however slowly. I found a good psychologist at this time who helped me through it which I am forever grateful to her as I had no family to turn to. My own mother said the day after a medical procedure after my first miscarriage "don't they know why you can't hold a baby?". So having the right support for your situation is important.