topic Father issues in Relationship and family issues

Father issues

Kally_jo — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 09:37:11 GMT

My father has not spoken to me for 5 years. I tried to question him why he didn’t want to see me and he rejected me saying that he couldn’t change the way I think. It was a repetitive circle of him saying that he wanted to see me and then he wouldn’t show up when I tried to arrange a time to see him. So I gave up on trying to see him because I’m not going to allow myself to get hurt emotionally by him. He had never been there for my birthday but I had my birthday last weekend and I did not expect to hear from him on my birthday but he was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I was happy to hear from him but I am still in shock and confused

Father issues

white knight — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 11:09:59 GMT

Hi Kally Jo

Many people don't realise that parents can be just as confused or "lost" in relationship problems as their children are.

He seems to be in conflict with your thinking patterns. That doesn't mean he expects you to change, just can't maintain the chemistry he'd like to be present.

For this reason it might be better for you to accept also that the chemistry may never be ideal. Therefore lowering your expectations of him as a father including regularity of visits and the time of those visits.

The better way to go is twofold. Either come to an agreement on the above or seek out a relationship therapist. Visit the therapist and hope he also attends. But again, no expectations.

Is your dad lacking confidence? Is he estranged with your mother and finds your mother inside you hard to cope with?

All these types of issues can be delved into by a therapist.

TonyWK

Father issues

Kally_jo — Thu, 16 Dec 2021 11:50:15 GMT

Thank you

PS I think my dad may be lacking confidence as he had narcissistic parents and he and his other brothers had mental illness due to his parents being manipulative and they would not allow him or his brothers to seek treatment from a therapist because they did not believe in therapy

my parents divorced when I was a baby. My mother has a lot of anger towards him because they had an unhealthy marriage.Their marriage ended because my dad had a habit of cheating on her but my dad has never said anything bad about my mother and at his house he had a picture of her in the bedroom I use to sleep in.

again thank you for your help 🙂

Father issues

Croix — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 10:10:04 GMT

Dear Kally jo~

I think that Tony WK has the right of it, it can be very hard to understand what is going though a parent's mind or the types of hassles they have to deal with . This of course makes understanding their behaviour a puzzle.

I know you feel it when your expectations are dashed, and it is only natural to try to close off so it does not keep happening.

To look on the generous side after the information in your last post it may well be your father feels a great sense of loss and blames himself entirely for it. He may well be struggling, never having been shown the way to handle guilt and grief and it may be a real struggle to see an offspring he may feel he has let down badly.

As a result contact may be unpredictable depending on his state at the time.

I know from your other posts that you may have a form of anxiety. I do too and one of the downsides is I tend to think the worst.

Although hard to do it may be possible to simply take the rare contact as a plus, no reflection on you, but a reflection of his unsettled state.

Do you think this might be a reasonable approach to try for?

Croix

Father issues

Kally_jo — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 22:26:57 GMT

Yes

thank you so much for your help:)

Father issues

white knight — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 05:36:38 GMT

Hi Kally Jo

Thanks Croix for posting

As a son of a narcissist and manipulator I know what your dad has endured, the concept and the challenges that is especially with low self esteem. In one generation it is unlikely the problem will vanish, some parts of these sorts of behaviours continue so each generation has to acknowledge them and try to stamp them out. For that reason he might require lots of patience and understanding.

I have a friend that has a father that never ever rings him, it is always the son that contacts his dad. This has always been the case and my friend came to me and was angry that for decades his dad never rings him. My friend notices all the time parents ringing their children so feel deprived of a normal dad. So I suggested he ask his dad why.

A few months went by and my friend visited with a big smile on his face. He did indeed ask his dad why he didnt ring him. He dad stared at him and burst into tears. "Well son, it isnt only you, its my friends as well. I've had 3 instances on the telephone that were traumatic. First was your mum leaving me telling me basically that I'm no longer a full time dad as she took you away. Second was when my mother passed away and third was when you had that bad car accident. I've never instigated a phone call since!"

So my friend discussed this at length with me. He realised that the phone for his dad was a connection to traumatic events. It had zero to do with his son./their relationship.

In your case it seems your father has love for you but finds difficulty in being reliable to meet up. Whatever the cause you both are not going to make a bad situation better by rejection and no understanding of each individual. Considering his lack of turning up I'd visit his home instead. Chasing him might have to be the price to pay to get to know him better but the big positive is him remembering your birthday and making contact. For that reason you have a huge reason to believe he loves you.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

Father issues

Croix — Sun, 19 Dec 2021 11:53:52 GMT

Dear Kally jo~

Kindness and thinking positively about those that have hurt you is a pretty big ask at times, however it least it offers hope that matters might improve. 5 years is a long time and people like your father might come to see things to value they had missed before, or maybe gain courage.

You are sensitive and loving person, if you were not you would not be hurt by your father's actions. It may be confusing now, hopefully thngs will become clearer in time.

Please let us know how you go.

Croix

Father issues

Kally_jo — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 12:26:46 GMT

Update on my father issues

I wish I believed that my father loves me but it’s hard to believe when it’s been a repetitive circle of when I tried to make a time to see him and it’s always ended up in broken promises or not showing up. I don’t hate my dad it’s just difficult to trust someone when they’ve rejected me a few times and make the same mistakes. At the moment I’m in tears. He contacted me and said that he wants me back in his life. To protect myself from getting hurt I usually lie and tell him that I’m sick or busy but I felt like I had to be honest with him and I said to him that I wasn’t comfortable seeing him. Standing up for myself towards a parent hurt and I feel bad for it but the thought of being face to face with him scares me.

Father issues

Croix — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 14:00:52 GMT

Dear Kally jo~

While I'm sorry that things are not working out at the moment I do think that you standing up for your self and being straight about your feelings to his face is a much better was of handling things than making excuses -something that I'd expect made you feel worse. So please don't feel bad about it, you are as much an adult as he, and probably have a lot more sense.

You never know it may make him thing differently.

Would I be being to intrusive to ask you what you fear seeing him face to face?

Croix

Father issues

geoff — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 14:01:45 GMT

Hello Kally, and thanks White Knight and Croix for your comments.

I understand that by seeing your father now, there would be so much to catch up on and what he says and if there are any excuses might not be what you're prepared to listen to and may make that connection to be difficult for you to handle.

If you like you could do this slowly over a period of time, then if you make a decision not to see him because you don't believe he's telling you the truth, then it won't be so hard to pull away, rather than going the whole hog and wanting to see him regularly, then to pull away will be more difficult and devastating for you, just look after yourself.

Geoff.

Father issues

Kally_jo — Wed, 22 Dec 2021 21:24:02 GMT

The reason why I fear him seeing face to face is because I haven’t seen him for five years and it would be overwhelming my mind would be going through a lot of anxious thoughts because of the unhealthy relationship with my dad.

Father issues

Croix — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 11:02:26 GMT

Dear Kally jo~

I can certainly see what you mean, After that length of time and with many horrible experiences having a great deal of anxiety would be no surprise.

I guess what can happen depends upon what you would like to happen. Do you wish for a decent relationship wiht your father or to sever contact? Actually this is a harder question than it looks, I had enforced separation from my parents and always had mixed emotions though those wishing for me to keep away were -in my case -stronger.

If you did want some sort of contact do you think a letter might be a start? There is no need for face to face and you can take your time, setting out what is wrong and what you'd need.

If you get a sensible one back, well you never know. If you do not then perhaps you might decide to take things no further.

Is there anyone you trust you could discuss the matter with? Sometimes that can help, not only with an outside perspective, but so that you are not feeling you have to go it all alone.

Croix

Father issues

Kally_jo — Thu, 23 Dec 2021 22:23:11 GMT

My therapist recommended writing a letter and she said it can be a letter without sending it because I was comfortable not sending it because there have been times when I tried telling him that I didn’t like him being immature and he thinks it was my mother telling me to say that to him and often responds with gaslighting making me look like the bad person. My brother tried telling me that it would be healthy for me to cut ties with him but because he is my father that’s a difficult thing to do so I’ve decided to only keep in contact with him by texting because face to face or calling would make me anxious. I have also spoken to friends who are in a similar situation and they’ve told me to be cautious when an immature parent asks you to be back into their lives because sometimes they just want to be nosey and snoop on what’s going on in your life.

Father issues

white knight — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 03:00:10 GMT

Hi again,

I've read your last reply and there is 3 or 4 things that I disagree about or want to make comment on purely and only for your benefit.

1/ Writing is good

2/ Telling a parent they are immature will press their buttons and you cant expect a positive response nor create any worthwhile relationship with your dad by doing so. Do you expect he will work on his maturity by telling him that? Nope! Doesnt work. Better to make your judgements alone or not in his presence. Some people by the way never grow up but thats the way they are. I think admiring him for what good bits is wise and ignoring the negatives is better and a lesson in many areas of life.

3/ "....he thinks it was my mother telling me to say that to him and often responds with gaslighting making me look like the bad person." With lack of communication between you and your dad he likely has to guess why he isnt as close to you as he would like. These feelings I've also had with my daughter who is close to her mother and both demonises me. A few comments she made were identical to what her mother has said to me over the years. Coincidental? Well its hard because we all try to make sense of things and when they dont there is sometimes the obvious influencer lurking and thats all your dad has to go on. The only and best way to prove to him you are your own person with your own mind is to generate a better relationship and that takes courage.

4/ "My brother tried telling me that it would be healthy for me to cut ties with him". Leave other peoples relationships to them, this is your father and only the two of you should work it out. Talk about it and use all conversations as knowledge and ideas but make up your own mind. Same with his decisions for him to make.

5/ "because face to face or calling would make me anxious" Nobody would not find it an anxious moment or two. It is always that case. But sometimes as adults we should face our challenges, besides, its only for the first 2-3 minutes, once the pleasantries have taken place you both will relax, then ask him questions - everyone loves questions.

6/ " I have also spoken to friends who are in a similar situation and they’ve told me". There is no "similar situation". People are unique and so different that you cannot and should not compare. Friends can be your worse enemies. Sorry to be blunt but I dont think they are helping.

7/ "they just want to be nosey and snoop on what’s going on in your life" Highly unlikely.

What do you think?

TonyWK

Father issues

Ric65 — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 10:01:26 GMT

Hi Kally Jo,

Do you think that dad is having difficulties of his own to let go maybe? Will it be okay just to accept and enjoy the moments when he does talk to you? Maybe change the thinking strategy?

What do you think?

Ric65