topic Breakup with BPD in Relationship and family issues

Breakup with BPD

Scg9383 — Sat, 17 Jan 2015 15:19:14 GMT

Hi guys,

Me and my girlfriend, who suffered from BPD, recently broke up. We were very serious for a while, but she consistently tore out my heart. She manipulated me to the point that I kept coming back, And In the process I hurt myself, my friendships, and my family.

But despite all of the pain and cruelty, I still

suffer from moments of intense longing for her, even though I know it's better for us to stay apart.

i loved her so much, and I put my heart and soul in to making her happy, but in the end

I only destroyed my self, and my only choice was to save what was left of me.

But when I get lonely, I think of her, and somehow all I want is her back.

i know what I'm really longing for is love, but there is something different about breaking up with a BPD

sufferer.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience, and if you have found love again.

I know it sounds pathetic, but I am feeling so lonely and removed, and I know if I let her back in I will be so much worse off In the end.

please help

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Breakup with BPD

white knight — Sun, 18 Jan 2015 04:24:42 GMT

Hi scg, welcome to beyond blue forums

Yes, you will be worse off if you return to her. Often this bad experience will only repeat and repeat until you despise her- then you'll realise it was a silly move to go backwards.

Sometimes finding love again will be the only cure for love lost. Make progress to meet other ladies and enjoy taking them out.

Leave your manipulative GF in the distant past.

Tony WK

Breakup with BPD

EmmaP — Mon, 19 Jan 2015 04:55:05 GMT

HI Scg9383,

I was in a 7 month relationship with a BPD girl and boy was it hard! She was very sick, manipulative and hard to be around. But as we know with BPDs is they have a way of intoxicating us like no other non-BPD can do. This especially becomes hard once they inevitably leave. They make us feel like we need no one else, that all our time and energy needs to be on them, but in the end its never good enough.

At first I blamed myself, that I didnt do enough, that we could make it work. But then I realised I tried my absolute best, and that she reflected her sickness onto me and made me sicker which in turn allowed her to be sicker. Its a vicious cycle.

As hard as it is now, just remember it does get easier. And yes, the cycle will keep repeating if you go back. Give yourself some time to heal, give yourself some time to be single and just enjoy hanging with friends again, making new friends and learning to be with yourself and love yourself.

And I hope in the future that you find a very nice non-BPD so you can re-learn what its like to be in a non-BPD relationship again.

All the best and strength,

EmmaP

Breakup with BPD

puska — Wed, 21 Jan 2015 04:58:08 GMT

Hi Scg9383

Stay strong. Breaking up with a BPD person is complicated.

The call to go back is very, very strong - in fact it is often described as an addiction.

You are already streets ahead of most involved with BPD relationship. You have already identified what it is you need to do for yourself despite how you feel.

Well done! That is no easy feat.

It is really, really important that you remain 'no contact' as it is still early days and a time where vulnerability to return is high.

There are many forums on Narcissism that may help you in terms of how people are coping and dealing with feelings.

The good things about these forums is there are a lot of people struggling with similar issues and you will be able to relate to their experiences well.

One of the key things I was helped with was accepting the fact that in my case I drew and was the perfect partner for the narcissist. I had to unpack what experiences led me into my relationship with the Narcissist in order to ensure it did not occur again.

The research and work kept me busy and kept me on target to staying strong, understanding what had happened , why it happened and how I could better improve my wellbeing.

Learning as much as you can about BPD and your own personaility and needs is not only helpful but healing.

It will get easier. Just remember recovering from a BPD relationship is demanding as well as challenging but you will be stronger and better through your healing.

Good luck.

Breakup with BPD

Sukki — Wed, 08 Apr 2015 04:56:56 GMT

Hi I am struggling to get out of a BPD relationship after 30 years of struggling.

Yes it is so hard but if I ever broke away from my BPD partner I would never come back as it is a life of suffering and waling on egg shells. I love and care about him yes but I am not happy or living the life I would like to live.

If you are now single dont go back for more , get some help if you can to help you understand why you feel the way that you do. You have done so well to break away, well done. My advise is to stay away , all the best.

Breakup with BPD

Dp187 — Thu, 07 May 2015 12:30:17 GMT

Hey scg,

i can totally relate to all you have said and i just broke up with my bpd fiance for the second time...

i like you would probably take her back in a heart beat but we must realise that separating from these toxic relationships will only benefit us.

currently im in a bad place and am really missing her especially when this all started over a cake cutter for our wedding.... Nothing i ever did was good enough and i was alienated from freinds and family.

couldnt do or say anything without it turning into something major when most would just laugh it off.

day to day life was like walking on egg shells and god forbid if i was five minutes late home.

would like to hear of other experiences from others please.......

Breakup with BPD

Scg9383 — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 07:38:06 GMT

Hi everyone.

Firstly, I'd like to thank all of you who replied. It truly was so incredibly helpful to read your individual advice, and know that there were other people in the world who had gone through exactly what I was experiencing.

Due to all of your support, my own mental strength, and the support of family, I am so happy to say that I have fully recovered from this terrible period.

I cannot stress how important it was that I broke this relationship off. My life would be significantly worse if I was still trapped in the toxic environment that I told myself was necessary.

To anyone who is stuck in a similar situation to me, please know that recovery is possible. Please know that, even though you feel that you love your partner incredibly deeply, they will always hurt you, and you will never, ever, be the happy person you could be until you stop torturing yourself and let them go. Please, give yourself a chance. You are truly worth it.

I went through months of wanting her back, of dreaming of her, of sweating every time I thought of her with someone else, of dreading my eternally lonely life. But as time passed, I thought of her less and less. I went out and met new people. I became more confident, and I got my opinions and ideas back. I was no longer afraid to be single, or in a relationship. I am now perfectly content with who I am, because I am finally back to myself.

And when I think back to her now, I feel a strange mix of emotions, but not the pangs of love, or guilt, or lust or hatred that hurt so much before. Now, I can simply acknowledge the fact that I fell deeply in love with someone who manipulated me so severely that I lost my sense of self, and that it was no ones fault. It simply was. And I did what was necessary for the both of us to be better people. That was the most help I could ever give her: to leave her and let her find her own place of calm. I truly hope that she does.

So after the phases of Love, Intense Confusion, Sickening Depression, Hatred and Self Loathing, I have finally arrived at Peace.

It is greatly in part to you people who replied to my original post. Thank you.

If anyone wants my opinion or advice on anything, reply to this comment and I will do my best to quickly reply.

Thank you again, and look after yourself. You're well being is immensely worth it.

SCG

Breakup with BPD

white knight — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 09:11:04 GMT

Hi SCG

wow, progress and some recovery going on. I'm so happy for you.

Onwards and upwards.

Tony WK

Breakup with BPD

Heythere — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 09:47:40 GMT

Hi there, your story hit a chord with me. My ex partner has only ever been diagnosed with ADHD (he is in his 30's). We have had a very up and down relationship with both of us having alcohol issues. We 'officially' broke up a year ago but have been trying to do this tortured friendship ever since. I am clean of alcohol for 15 months now and as we share a business together I'm kind of tied to not being able to break all contact. In the meantime his personality is never give up and mine is I want peace but too nice to call this fractured relationship that we have. He is a functioning alcoholic and I'm a people pleaser that has my life on hold to his demands, temper tantrums and controlling ways. But there is still something that keeps me giving in to those demands and I don't know what to do. I am 45, I have a career in nursing now that I adore, a beautiful family yet this person in my life that only brings me grief yet that I still cater too. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Breakup with BPD

Louie16 — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 11:59:04 GMT

Hi,

ive been with my boyfriend that has BPD for 7 months, we recently broke up because I found a text on his phone from a prostitute. Previous to this he has been the perfect partner in every way . When I broke things off he was saying he was going kill himself but was was fine when the cops came to the door (I wasn't in the same state at the time so I couldn't go see him myself), a week after that happened we met up and talked about our relationship , we kissed and hugged I views it has a good bye because as I previously stated to him I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship ( I realise that was a mistake) because of the betrail. He then tried to suicide again except I was there to stop him, he ran off and we were messaging the whole night , me trying to make him not take his life. He wants me back desperately but I don't know if I should, He was my everything I love him to bits but i don't want him to cheat on me again and three days ago when I questioned him about certain situations I had an issue with before he told me he has lied and then told me the truth. I feel bad about leaving him because he lost his job and is in debt and told me today his moves out of his rental and is now officially homeless, I don't have the means to help him because I still live at home and am a student not working. He has told me that when he takes his meds, sees his psych, eats right and exercises he doesn't get any bdp symptoms. He hasn't been doing that lately.

I don't know if I should get back with him and help him get better or if it's all just a lie and he's been taking me for a ride and once we get back together he will hurt me again.

Breakup with BPD

CJs_mum — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 22:24:26 GMT

hi and well done for putting that down in writing.
I know that feeling of wanting the other person so much very well, but in the long run you HAVE to do what is right for you. Its so essential.
Time as it passes and doing things to keep you busy (seeing other people, healing, talking, doing things you enjoy like going out with friends, getting outside or seeing a movie or taking up a hobby) will help
Its hard, but time will pass. I'm proud of you.
Peace on your healing journey

Breakup with BPD

Recentsurvivor — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 05:19:49 GMT

I finally ended a 4 year relationship with my BPD diagnosed fiancé.i sent him to dbt therapy, psychiatrists every week for 18 months he was so nice when he was good that's why I stayed I felt so comfortable with him.he did anything I asked and gave me anything I wanted. But he kept getting violent out of the blue and for the last year a lot of time giving me silent treatment.i remember going out to dinner the 2 of us for my birthday and being ignored the entire night and no eye contact. As if I were invisible.the worst feeling. Then also towards the end if I tried to communicate how I were feeling I just got talked over and told I could speak when he said I could speak and he expected me to listen to him ramble on and get off track the topic that he knew I he wanted to avoid. Co sta fly walking on eggshells and blamed and ignored.then would t even let me have a bath in peace would pick the bathroom lock and urinate in front of me instead of using downstairs toilet. Constant " give me give me" after the final assault I went to police and got an avo. I did it when I were so emotional and exhausted. After 4 years I just feel so lost and empty and wake up at 4 am with nightmares but miss him terribly I can't eat, work ,sleep,nothing is enjoyable and he bank statement came in post last week that proved he has already moved on. I'm so confused.hiw could he beg and cry saying he loves and needs me and threats of suicide if I leave and goes on to a new partner in a week? He completed 18 months of dbt therapy so why didn't the therapy work? I just feel a shell of myself and are on antidepressants for the first time in my life. After all the misery he put me through I just don't get why I'm so empty and depressed.

Breakup with BPD

Guest_7403 — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 12:27:55 GMT

DBT is a lifestyle, you need to do it consciously everyday....if you choose not to use it then you will eventually revert to your old behaviour

Breakup with BPD

alexisonfire94 — Wed, 16 Jan 2019 23:39:27 GMT

Hi,

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I just ended a 5 year relationship with a BDP sufferer and the last year has been hell. He constantly changes his mind, is wonderful one minute and is then throwing a temper tantrum and spewing abuse the next. I have strained a lot of my relationships due to going back to him and now feel lonelier and more lost than ever. I just know that now that I'm 24, I need to get serious about my future and you do too.

When I feel lonely and like going back to him, I usually go for a run, dance to loud music, engage in some retail therapy or take a few shots and forget about him. The hardest part is that he still calls all the time, and I feel like I need to answer to avoid angry text messages and etc. They are extremely difficult people to leave behind.

Anyway, if anyone going through this ever needs to chat about it hit me up. I know how hard it is and I hope we make it through.

Breakup with BPD

white knight — Thu, 17 Jan 2019 08:51:45 GMT

Hi Louie16

I reckon you could vopy and paste your post in a separate thread. That way you'll get more replies.

Google

Beyondblue Topic running around trying to save the world

For what its worth keeping in contact with your ex bf could be to your detriment.

TonyWK

Breakup with BPD

WA — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 06:09:30 GMT

Wow reading this really is exactly where I am at right now... 😞 and i don’t feel like it will fade..
I broke up with my bdp girlfriend over a month ago and it’s painful. We were together for three years the last year or two consisting of constant breakups from her side then a week later would act like nothing had happened and I was the best person in the world. I was so confused and in a constant state of fear and anxiety about doing something to trigger her. I lost trust. as painful as it was I couldn’t get out. until now. When I decided I couldn’t handle anymore... but the crazy thing is I want her back ... like she’s the only cure.
She also had a boy that I was really close to and loved. So I’ve lost two people.
I still dream about them and think about them everyday.
I’m trying to detangle what was real from the extremely different people she was.. it’s so confusing!

It gives me hope that you got through it... I can’t see how at this point

Breakup with BPD

Guest_1584 — Thu, 24 Dec 2020 07:25:34 GMT

le'm wondering if many people actually know for sure if their partner was or is bpd, were they actually diagnosed or is it just what they've put together from reading around? Did the partner hassle them once twice , a few more , and the other has jumped to this conclusion or that - or was it real. So much self analise's going on in these days of the internet and info over load and it seems every second person is with a narc or a bpd , just bc the partner got a bit pissed , yes l have read threads like that many times in other forums. l'd also be wondering even about the op here bc he talks about loving her deeply yet 5mths and he;s cured and offering advice. But that's not loving someone deeply that probably isn't even loving someone really bc it takes a lot longer than hat to forget someone you truly loved and deeply , a lot longer again, yrs.

l'm not being picky or having a shot at the op or others l'm just trying to work out what is truly real when l l look for help and what's just flybyes and my reason is bc l was , was , truly in love with a bpd person , and it's well over 2yrs but their spell and will last much longer than that again yet . So l read thee threads looking for answers so that l too can forget and move on , finally , or find a way alternatively in making it work but then is that wise or even worth it. True love is worth what , how much , what price to you? All things l asked myself many many times and still do to this day.

Breakup with BPD

No one on earth — Sun, 20 Feb 2022 09:16:24 GMT

Hello randomx's, I understand what your saying all I can add to your question is that. I never understood how someone could completely fall under a personality disorder once. Well before I found out and started reading about cluster 5 personality types. I'm pretty sure my mum falls into the category and I have recently been in a relationship with someone who has had a narcissistic personality disorder. Through that process, I realized I knew a few people in the past who also had them and there are a few different types. It was part of understanding the psychology behind the craziness of these individuals of the past. I am now in a relationship with someone I am pretty sure has borderline personality and I am reading about the Similarities and differences in psychology between the two to understand more. I have been googling why you should leave your partner with BPD as I have a feeling that trying to help others with love won't actually help as that person does not know how to love themselves or others. A current theme that has sort of stood out for me because I think it holds like the missing link is "what part of me doesn't love myself enough that I need to feel complete with this person without having boundaries and standards" As I keep reading that If I asserted my boundaries and had standards I would not keep putting up with the terrible behavior. I could choose to not think this but I think I owe it to myself to have a look into it just because of my history with my mum and past boyfriends. That maybe I've been too eager to be in love with the wrong person.

Breakup with BPD

No one on earth — Sun, 20 Feb 2022 09:28:57 GMT

I just want to say to everyone in this thread. That I know how hard it has been and that you have been through a lot. I think everyone has been tremendously brave and open-hearted to have gone through so much for the ones that you love. But you matter too and anyone that really loved you as much as you loved them would reciprocate this. It really hard to know the one that you really set your heart on isn't for you. And repeatedly you have to find out in the hardest of ways. You deserve a new life filled with the love you have tried so hard and struggled so much for. If you don't let go of this person you might not meet them and instead, you will be covering the old ground of hurt, eggshells, silent treatment, suspicious behavior, paranoia, betrayl all of these scream lack of love coming from that other person. They may have a good heart but they are not ready you must accept and look after yourself as you deserve to be loved and nutured. I wish you peace on your journey. Good things will come your way. You just got to take a chance to make a new future.

Breakup with BPD

Guest_1584 — Sun, 20 Feb 2022 12:07:04 GMT

Hello no one , l like that name haha.

l'm sorry l didn't see your reply back when don't think l even realized how old this thread was when l replied last. l wonder how the op has gone with time now. And how is your relationship ? There are bpd people here in the forum even married , some for yrs , but l think it makes all the difference if they've actually acknowledged it and gotten help, want help.

From what l've understood about bpd and my ex l'll add too wasn't professionally diagnosed in person, she wouldn't, but only via my description to a physiologist friend of mine and she warned me it couldn't be called bpd as such but only that yes it did sound it. She'd also said that they do love and can very powerfully at that, their ways and actions don't actually mean they don't love you anymore. lt's more a lashing out, an explosion of fear, emotions, self sabotage, get rid of you before you abandon them, a testing that's never satisfied and who knows what else. My ex did truly love, there was no doubt about that she'd shown that many many times in many many huge ways, not just affection or words.

lt's been a long time now and there is someone new but l do still think of her and hope she can find some peace. And l think l'll be looking for answers to awhile yet to, some sort of closure l suppose.

So how about you ?