topic recent break up - not coping in Relationship and family issues

recent break up - not coping

Sailorgirl — Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:51:17 GMT

Hi there, I am new, just joined up yesterday, I am not coping with a recent break-up. It is more than just heartache.

I was in the relationship 5 years, he was "the one" and I accepted him with all his faults and wanted to make it work no matter what. I was always the one who put more effort into the relationship.

Anyway, we broke up 2 weeks ago, and i feel like my anxiety and depresson has spiralled out of control. I have moved to my mums place, but my stuff is still at our unit (renting). I could stay there and he could leave, but I just have too many bad memories there.. can't stare at those walls on my own any longer.

I went and saw my GP on the weekend, and she started me on antidepressants. I am on my 4th day of half dose. I haven't taken any days of work despite feeling quesy, nauseous, and sleepy everyday. I feel really out of it.

Anyway, i am super struggling and very scared. I have my mum and a few friends chatting to me, but i feel very alone in this feeling. I miss him like crazy and I don't know what to do. I keep hoping for a reconciliation but deep down I know it's not going to happen. He just doesn't love me the way I loved him. It hurts so much.

I don't know how to be alone, I have been thinking for two for the last 5 years. I don't want to move on, I don't want to meet people. I don't want to go out. At 33 I don't want the single life again. I don't want to go back to housemates and partying on Saturday night.. I know I don't have to, but I don't know how to be alone at this age. I have an admin job that will take me nowhere, but I am also a casual dance teacher (pays peanuts) and also am in the middle of finishing my cert 3 in fitness (super struggling with the pressure as I haven't been studying and getting no help). My motivation is down the toilet at the moment and I can't seem to do anything.

I will see my doc again in a week so she can see how I'm going on the antideps, and I think i will go on the mental health care plan with her and start seeing a psychologist. I am sad that this is how my life had turned out and I don't know how to be happy. I am scared I will be hurting for years and won't be able to move on from him. I am scared he will start seeing someone else straight away and be happy and married and I'll still be alone..

The sadness is just too much.. i want to be free

recent break up - not coping

Sailorgirl — Tue, 03 Jun 2014 22:59:30 GMT

I should add that I developed the anxiety probably about 2 years into the relationship - I think it was becoming obvious to me he didn't feel the same way and I was very unfulfilled. Years of being last priority and not being loved has led me to this deep depression. I lost myself...

recent break up - not coping

eaura — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 12:24:34 GMT

I'm not a professional and I'm sure there is someone else with more helpful words but from one to another, always do what feels right. You are free. People will tell you medication is the answer, they'll tell you to accept and move on and tell you that you deserve better from your past relationship. But that's not the simple answer for everyone. You don't have to do anything the 'right' way. Trust yourself. I wish everyone could speak to a psychologist really, gives you answers that you knew all along.

recent break up - not coping

wildfire — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 13:31:32 GMT

When I read your story, I felt so compelled to respond because although our circumstances weren't exactly the same I felt similar feelings when I went through a break up with someone I too thought was the one nearly 6 years ago now.

From the way you describe it was always you that put in the effort and although it hurts now I assure you that one day you will thank yourself for realizing that this relationship was toxic. That's the first step to healing I think. You've done the right thing in removing yourself from environments associated with him and your relationship like your unit. It will make it easier for you to cope and move on without having constant reminders of him.

You've done well in seeking out help from your GP and all the physical symptoms are all manifestations of the grief that you're currently going through. As you begin to heal emotionally, those will eventually disappear. There were times when I felt so alone regardless of all the support I received from my family and friends. I know you miss him but I think what helped me the most is getting used to being by myself again. I had been in a relationship for such a long time that I had forgotten the things that made me the happiest. Invest in doing things that you want to do and that you enjoy. Focus on yourself. Spoil yourself. Make your own happiest not someone else's your priority. As you start rediscovering 'yourself' again you'll gain strength and confidence and those things will help you heal. In saying this, allow yourself adequate time to grieve, bawl your eyes out, be angry, be sad, mope around and when the grieving has passed, focus on yourself and your needs.

Do not be afraid of being alone, it won't be forever as much as it may seem that way now. I hope I've helped in some way. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Stay strong.

recent break up - not coping

geoff — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 15:20:57 GMT

dear Sailorgirl, thanks for joining the site.

I also welcome the newcomers who have given you some experienced advice, however it's never easy when a relationship does break up, and the same applies to a marriage.

I hope that I don't upset you when I make these comments because that's never what I would ever want to do.

It seems to me that you were doing the hard yards in this relationship, and by this I mean that you adored him, but I'm not too sure whether he was the same, and whether he was taking advantage of you and living in the flat, but ever so this doesn't make it any easier for you.

Can I ask you who signed the lease for this apartment, and if it was only you, and there doesn't seem to any chance of reconciliation then I would approach the real estate and explain your situation where they can find another tenant to take over the lease.

I know that this is going to be unpleasant, but if the memories are going to remind you of times, then this is the best option.

If you are having bad side-effects from your AD then your doctor will probably change it, and it can take a few different types before you find the right one.

This is always a hassle, but I tried half a dozen before my doctor found the right one, but because we have depression this is always a pain, we just want to take a pill for it to go straight away.

I hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x

recent break up - not coping

Sailorgirl — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 21:54:19 GMT

Thank you, your post made me feel better xo

recent break up - not coping

littlepenguin — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 11:07:34 GMT

Hi there Sailor girl I know you posted this a long time ago but everything you said I am in that exact same place now . I feel so hopeless and trapped the only difference is that she is now seeing soneone else. We were together for 4 years she wanted to open up the relationship / have a polyamourous relationship and the person she wanted to open things up with she is now with , we tried it for a week it was all too hard for her and she called it quits . This was the person I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with . I am terrified I will never get over her . She is the best of everything I ever had . I'm 35 and I feel I'm too old t start again too old for share house I just want my life back . I feel out of control , I just wanted to know how things worked out for you .

recent break up - not coping

Helpless_one — Sun, 10 Dec 2017 00:41:27 GMT

Hi little penguin, I felt composed to respond I know you were looking for a response from sailer girl because you felt you were in the same position right now,im reaching out as well as I am in the same position however the only difference is I have no support at all no family and limited friends and they all have partners. The relationship I had was toxic and I know that but I'm not coping with letting go at all I feel empty sad alone scared anxiety panic attacks can't seem to look forward to the future 😞 I can't believe it's possible to cry so much in one week it's a week tomorrow since my break up.

i have posted on here but I have had no response from anyone, if your interested you could read it. Maybe we could talk.

recent break up - not coping

Bluebell1 — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 05:05:38 GMT

I am in the same position going through a break up and it feels like your whole life changes within a day

for me it’s been 6 months since the break up and I still feel sad and don’t look forward to anything. I get anxiety thinking about being single I’m trying to find the positives in this to get through it day to day

recent break up - not coping

littlepenguin — Tue, 19 Dec 2017 05:48:08 GMT

Hi there

thank you for your response I would love to chat via email if that would help . I really hope you are ok . It's just the worst and I feel like I'm just treading water each day . I hate the fact that I'm envious of my friends relationships and people at work I hate hearing about their happy relationships the day to day stuff that I miss so much . It feels like a missing limb

recent break up - not coping

Sophie_M — Tue, 19 Dec 2017 05:52:27 GMT

Hi littlepenguin, for safety reasons, we don't allow sharing of email or other personal offline contacts here on the forums. This is a safe, anonymous space and you're welcome to continue chatting with our community here in this thread.

recent break up - not coping

Louelle11 — Tue, 26 Dec 2017 00:19:59 GMT

I am new to these forums and I’m feeling exactly the way you are now, I’d love to chat with you and have someone to talk to who is going through the same thing?

im 27 and going through my first breakup, I didn’t end it. I loved him with all I had but it was always me putting more effort into the relationship. 3 months ago he dumped me and I still can’t get over it. Im terrified of being single again.

if you want to chat I’m here x

recent break up - not coping

Louelle11 — Tue, 26 Dec 2017 11:04:42 GMT

Id love to talk to you, I’m going through exactly the same thing right now. My relationship was toxic, he always made me feel stupid and mocked me yet I still loved him so much even though it was me who made all the effort because I was terrified of losing him. It was my first relationship and 5 months ago he ended it, it hurt like hell and still does. I feel depressed, alone and cry a lot. My friends are all in relationships and I feel so lonely

I’m here to listen if you’d like to talk xo

recent break up - not coping

Louelle11 — Tue, 26 Dec 2017 11:09:33 GMT

Hi Bluebell1

i am in exactly the same position you are, it’s been 6 months since my breakup and I just can’t seem to shake this horrible feeling, it just hurts so much.

im here to talk if you’d like to

recent break up - not coping

Hal74 — Tue, 26 Dec 2017 14:20:29 GMT

I understand what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship.I am 20 years married and It was not my first relationship. The warning signs were there but there was good in the realtionship so I chose not to heed them. Sometimes, people are just not a good match and you need to move through the pain, however hard it is, because trust me, feeling good about yourself and feeling tnat you deserve to be happy matters for who you are is the best feeliing in the world. So, rise above your unhappiness ( its not easy) valueyourselve, have patience and keep yelling yourself you deserve better and it will happen, best of luck

recent break up - not coping

Louelle11 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 12:03:08 GMT

Thanks so much for this reply, it has really helped me. I was the same, kept putting up with being unhappy because I was scared of being on my own and single again. But all this aside we had a lot in common and did get on well aside from me being made to feel stupid all the time. I know now that this is not healthy in a relationship as this was my first ever relationship I didn’t know what to expect and I guess thought it was normal.

i hope I come out stronger because of this and that I find someone I can love and be loved in return.

recent break up - not coping

Emma_White — Fri, 19 Feb 2021 19:02:12 GMT

Well, good to see that since December 2017 nobody has had a break up, but here am I ((( Still, I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to talk about my feelings and what I'm coming right now through....

recent break up - not coping

Amanda2000 — Mon, 22 Feb 2021 06:01:03 GMT

Hi Emma,

2 very simple things I told myself that had helped me in the past:

1. The bad feelings will pass.

2. Good things are ahead in the future. I just can't see them yet.

recent break up - not coping

Emma_White — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 11:56:03 GMT

Thanks, Amanda. Will try to follow your advice.

recent break up - not coping

geoff — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 14:55:30 GMT

Hello Emma, many breakups between people always happen, but it's when we hold our feelings in, then they ferment and slowly build up which may cause trouble in trying to associate with another person, but if you want total about what's happened, then this discussion will open up why or how it happened.

If you know this, it seems to stop any triggers, because you either avoid them or know how to cope with them.

I'm really sorry.

Geoff.