topic Feeling alone and unloved in Relationship and family issues

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Thu, 29 Apr 2021 03:43:15 GMT

I lost my job and home 2 yrs ago. I was on my own for 10yrs from a divorce. It was the family home of 35yrs. I had packed it all up and done some minor renovations before the sale! I wasnt coping with the job loss initially and the home just added to the stress. I reached out to my daughter who is married and I was the main carer for the grandkids for over 10 yrs. All i did was send a text saying I couldnt do it and wasnt coping well! Her reply was a text and not what I expected under the circumstances, her attitude was.. I cant do everything for you!!!! But up until then I had been doing everything myself, so i was taken back with that comment, I started to shut down as I became angry! ended the messaging and soldered on. I was expecting or maybe hoping I would get a call or see her but nothing from that day until 4 months after I sold the house. Nobody knew where I had moved to or any circumstances around that! I couldn't believe how I deserved such disrespect! or even the lack of concern from her if I had a roof over my head!!!!! It has now been two years since, I have seen nor heard from anybody, I miss my grandchildren very much, I walk around all day in a daze from not understanding what the hell did I do!!!!

Feeling alone and unloved

Giraffe — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 00:51:26 GMT

I am sorry that your daughter couldn’t be there for you. You are welcome here.

Feeling alone and unloved

james1 — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 13:44:29 GMT

Hello Huggybear,

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling really alone and unloved right now, and you've not been able to see your grandchildren. It sounds like your relationship with your daughter is really strained right now, and she doesn't understand how you are feeling. I can't imagine how hard and confusing it has been for you these past couple of years. Do you have any other friends or family you are able to speak to at the moment?

Either way, you are absolutely welcome here and I'd love to hear from you again when you feel up to it.

James

Feeling alone and unloved

geoff — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 17:29:41 GMT

Hello Huggybear, and a warm welcome to you.

Unfortunately, we tend to expect our parents, the kid's grandparents to naturally take on the role of babysitting, no matter what day or any hour of the day we're asked to look after them, and at times little consideration is taken into how we are actually feeling ourselves, it's taken for granted that we'll look after them and in most situations that's OK, however, there are times when it doesn't suit us but we can't necessarily say no.

Selling your house means you have to pack up everything, whether or not anyone provides any type of help depends on the situation you're in, but if it's all left up to you must have been disappointing, just as how your daughter has handled this situation with no or little respect to your well being.

I am really sorry this has happened, so if I can make a suggestion/s, is, first of all, seek help from your doctor, only because you need to develop some knowledge in how you will be able to cope with this, and secondly to contact your daughter, whether you go to her place when the kids are home would be an advantage and try to talk with your daughter.

Please ask any questions you'd like to.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Feeling alone and unloved

geoff — Sat, 01 May 2021 18:56:02 GMT

Hello Huggybear, just wondering how you are feeling at the moment.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Sun, 02 May 2021 22:02:27 GMT

Hello James

thankyou for your comments

I have no family now as my parents and sister have passed away many years ago! My daughter and I have always had a up and down relationship, and a lot of it is my fault as I was a very easy going parent and she had everything she wanted. I do not like arguments, so I guess I didnt create the respect that a mother should have!

She left home at 16 then came back 6 weeks later, then left home again at 18 and after 2 years came back only this time she had just had my grandson, but I knew it was because she was struggling with her partner and they had no money! So stupid me and my partner brought her what she needed for the baby and we updated her car so she had a safe car to drive with the baby.

I worked for years and with my job I had all school holidays off, during that time I watched the grandkids and over the xmas break, I did this up until my grandson was 15 and my grandaughter was 10. I noticed that around that last time I saw her, the contact was getting very thin, as I wasnt needed to watch the kids anymore, she knew that I was going to be selling the house and I was painting and fixing the house up, so her visits started to waver!

I guess things become a bit challenging at certain times of the year, which is normal I guess and I know Im not the only person who goes through these things! But I'm so hurt to think that I reached out to her for help, more emotional than anything and she ignored it! and I had been there for her so many times. And I can't get past that hurt that I feel and thats the struggle for me!

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Sun, 02 May 2021 22:33:06 GMT

Hello Geoff

thankyou for you comment!

I know I'm not the only person going through these problems, I was for some years a support worker for the elderly and was horrified at some of their stories with their families!

As I have replied to somebody else on here, my daughter has shut the door in my face 3 times

when she was 16 she left home, came back 6 weeks later, when she was 18 she left and contacted me 2 yrs later saying she had a baby! Her partner and her were struggling!!

The more I look back at things the more I see that I have only been a good mother when she has needed something!

My free time was watching the grandkids every school holidays and over the xmas period, for 15 years, they were left with me all week and went home on the weekends. The visits got scarce at the end while I was fixing the house up for sale, as I wasn't needed to care for them anymore, but I was never told anything, they just didnt show up the last school holidays even though I stock my cupboards of their favorite food!

I reached out to her more for emotional support as I wasn't coping with the whole process, and as I said none came

Its hard as a parent to deal with children with attitudes, but its even harder as a grandparent because you know it you rock the boat they won't let you see the grandkids, so we are somewhat held to ransom. Its the first thing they take away because they know that will hurt us the most!!

I feel so hurt by it all, that I know I will not be reaching out to her, I have my pride and have done nothing wrong!

Like I have said if adult children can walk away without any conscious about their actions and hurt you so easily after being there for them in their difficult times then do they really care anyway! I'm not going to be a part time mum anymore for the times it suits her!

I'm sure when the time comes ( which I hope is a long way away!) she will surface with her crocodile tears and her hand out for her inheritance!

There is so much history with my daughter, and hard to explain in a few words, but I get through the days and distract my thinking when possible.

Thankyou

Feeling alone and unloved

james1 — Mon, 03 May 2021 09:13:06 GMT

Hello Huggybear,

I hope you don't blame yourself too much for the relationship you now have with your daughter. It's so hard to know how children will respond to parenting styles, and it sounds like you really did what you thought was best. And still, she's an adult now - she's perfectly capable of making her own choices now, so I don't think any of that is your fault at all. Even now, you have tried all you can to make her life easier, and it does not sound like you feel she appreciates any of that.

Do you have any other support? As geoff mentioned, a doctor could be a good place to start - it sounds like the relationship with your daughter will take some time to mend and it would be good to have some other people you can count on so you don't feel so alone.

Otherwise, distracting your thinking is a good idea too. What do you like to do in your spare time?

James

Feeling alone and unloved

geoff — Mon, 03 May 2021 19:25:59 GMT

Hello Huggybear, thanks for getting back to us, and thinking back in time, I wonder whether if we were in the same position years ago as young parents, whether or not we would do the same with our parents, well with my parents I don't think we would be game enough to do this, and how, within a generation, times have changed so much because of the repercussions that may have happened.

When our kids deprive us of being able to see our grandchildren it really hurts and it's not because of them but how their parents, our kids in actual fact are feeling, that cause this split.

The grandkids are probably asking why can't we see grandma/pa and told some sort of reason why they can't, but when they are able to be free, they will make sure contact is made with you, unfortunately, the time has passed and we aren't as agile as before which is so disappointing.

The rationale between generations does change and that's what we don't expect, we always hope it doesn't, but the world won't sit still and may be the same will happen when our kid's children grow to make their own decisions, again how they react will not be accepted by their parents, that is our children.

When something happens to our kids, we know from experience that what we think is the best advice so we offer it to them, sometimes a reason to them can not be justified and they choose their way, which may be right or to the contrary.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Mon, 10 May 2021 02:58:27 GMT

Hi James

I dont know what I just did but I think I just lost my reply to you, if it comes up twice I'm sorry for that!

I keep busy with my daily household chores, vegetable garden, playing ball with the dogs, quilting and crochet

I have seem phycologist before, once for OCD, then when my mother died as I had to look after my grandfather, father and my sister who was Epileptic and was Intellectually Challenged from birth, whe was older then me and has now passed on.

I had a nervous breakdown because I wasnt coping with the extra things, while working myself and having my own family to tend too! They have all passed on now!

Then again before I moved, I have learnt to identify when I am sinking very low!

that is not the case this time so I havent gone back!

I had a mentor many years ago who taught me some skills, when I feel I need to act!

I have had many experiences in life, some very hard and some for learning!

I honesty feel my problem this time is just dealing with the hurt!! Its the injustice of being treated in this way and to be forgotten!

I even tell people if ask, that my daughter is practicing for when I pass on! lol

I know deep down I can get through ok! Ive done it so many times before, I just sometimes need to vent, and I guess thats why I chose to come on the forum and engage with other like minded people.

Sharing with people you know is difficult, especially if they have not experienced what you have, and I can be very private when it comes to sharing, and I have found over the years it is usually ME who is listening to their problems, thats another reason why I tend to keep to myself alot

I guess, our past can influence how we are today, and I know how much I have grown from it!, Its just all the loses you experience that keep you from being a whole person again!

just one day at a time, is what I say!

thankyou again

Feeling alone and unloved

james1 — Tue, 11 May 2021 09:50:22 GMT

Hello Huggybear,

Thanks for replying (twice it sounds like!).

I'm glad you've got a few hobbies there - it can be so helpful to have a list of distractions to go through when you aren't feeling great.

I understand that you've had quite a few experiences in your life which you've learnt a lot from. But it sounds like the recent developments with your daughter are causing a lot more pain than perhaps you expected or know how to deal with. So I'm really actually glad that you've come here to tell us - we are listening to you and I really hope that coming to 'vent' has given you somewhere to take all this hurt and pain.

I feel so sad reading your post. It really sounds like you feel a part of you has been taken and you are not a whole person with all the losses that have happened. But, one day at a time, as you say - I think people who look for healing with friends or hobbies or whatever helps, often find ways to get by and feel whole again.

We're here to listen and talk to you whenever you feel like it.

James

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 00:32:43 GMT

Hello to the people who spoke to me during my situation.

I had to have emergency surgery a few weeks later, I had cerebral aneurysm, been a long road of recovery but glad to say all back to normal, had bad case of anxiety over it so dealing with that now. Nobody except 2 close friends new about it, apparently all the depression and anxiety for many years created this situation.

But I just wanted to let people know I'm doing ok, and to thank you for the support I had with the situation on here, that unfortunately is the same, but I now have decided to just start taking better care of myself and move on as best I can.

thankyou

Feeling alone and unloved

Sophie_M — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 01:02:50 GMT

Hi Huggybear,

Welcome back and thank you for the update. We’re so sorry to hear what happened a few months ago. We hope your recovery is going well.

It’s good to hear that you’ve been able to talk to some close friends through this. Please know that we’re here for you, and you can call the Beyond Blue counsellors on 1300 22 4636 if you’d like some support. If you’re not currently receiving any mental health support in the community, we’d recommend checking out New Access, here.

It might take the lovely community a bit of time to spot your update. In the meantime, there’s some advice on wellness on the Beyond Blue site, here.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Feeling alone and unloved

Juliet_84 — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 10:40:00 GMT

Oh huggy bear,

I am so sorry that you have been going through this, I hope you are slowly on the mend now. I had a cerebellar stroke several years ago at the age of 30 so I know how difficult these things can be. I suffered a lot of anxiety in the year afterwards and I developed a fear that something would happen to me when no one was there or at the supermarket etc. Now that I have had quite a bit of space away from that event, I am now doing things I never thought I would and I don’t think about it so much. But it’s a gradual process as you slowly build up confidence over time. But the one benefit that came out of it for me was realizing that life really is fleeting, nothing in this world is permanent not even our troubles. And so I learnt to do more things for me, don’t put it off - take the trip, I got better at setting boundaries and telling people no, and I got much better at speaking my mind. I figure if people don’t like that then they should have behaved better! So I make an effort to only surround myself with good people, life is too short for misery. And if other people disagree then they know where the door is. You need to be committed to your own happiness, find a hobby you love, a cafe where you can sit in the sun and the staff are friendly, all the little things that people take for granted but aren’t little at all.

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 12:51:01 GMT

hello Juliet

thankyou so much for your message, it is so true about being fearful of something happening, and I think thats what created the anxiety attack that sent me back into hospital to make sure everything was ok!

It is so much easier to talk to people who understand situations. I have realised I need to think of myself much more, and I don't have any close friends but I have looked into learning golf to get me out of the house and I'm trying to find other ways to change things for the better. I am an introvert, with some social anxiety but I have to try and get passed that.

I hope your life has got alot better after your stroke, you were so young, none of us know when something can happen. I admire your positive attitude to peoples attitudes and I need to do the same.

thankyou so much

kind regards

lisa

Feeling alone and unloved

geoff — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 15:22:16 GMT

Hello Lisa, I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like this, it must have been a terrible experience and I feel so much for you, not only having to change your life but because of this injury that forces these changes plus all the different experiences that you now develop from this cerebral aneurysm.

I as well as Juliet understand what you are going through as I too had a frontal cerebral haemorrhage, a blood clot on my brain, caused by an assault and it totally altered my entire life.

When you tell people about this, all they say 'is how horrible' but find it difficult to accept the changes it's done to us and never say 'sorry this must have happened because of your injury', so they expect us to just go on with life and never take this into account.

The same applies to somebody struggling with any type of depression and/or anxiety and it's something else we have to contend with.

am deeply sorry this has happened to you, but know exactly how you are feeling.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

Feeling alone and unloved

Juliet_84 — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 21:05:49 GMT

Hi huggy bear,

I can certainly relate to that fear in the time after something such as this, but it will eventually fade away with time. I have recently moved to a new city so I have started playing indoor netball and have found a real little community here. I now play it several nights a week, something I never thought I would have been able to do - my symptoms were always brought on by exercise so I was afraid to push myself. Like you, I am an introvert and suffer from social anxiety so I know how hard it can be to get out of your comfort zone. I was pretty nervous/anxious for the week before my first game, I didn’t know anyone, didn’t know where to go etc, but that didn’t last long and I now feel right at home and love it. I’ve also met some really nice people through it so the social aspect combined with the fitness has been great for me. I think that a lot of people suffer from anxiety over various things but we can’t let it stop us from doing the things that we want to do. I’ve learnt over the years that the only regrets I have is not doing things, I never regret the things that I did. I’m so glad that you are looking into playing golf and doing other things for yourself. I think that you need to dedicate the next few years (at least) to looking after yourself and what makes you happy. If you haven’t joined it, I had a fair bit of success with the “Meetup” app - it has all different groups who do things like go for walks etc. It can be a great way to meet new people and it’s only usually an hour or so, so it’s not too bad if you don’t enjoy it etc. I found that everyone was very welcoming and sociable so it kinda took the pressure off me a bit. It sounds like you have been running around trying to make other people happy for far too long and no one has been looking out for you. I definitely think it’s time that you prioritize yourself and your own happiness. And if you ever feel lonely etc we’re always here for a chat 🙂

Feeling alone and unloved

Huggybear — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 22:56:44 GMT

Hello Geoff

Thankyou so much for your kind words

And your right, people don't understand how your feeling and coping with what has happened, and I understand that, because it has not happened to them (thankfully)

I was fearful at the hospital when they told me the percentage I had getting through the op, but then I did and the surgeon was taken back by the recovery after and how well I did!

I was feeling very fortunate, but just felt so different and lost a little that it created severe anxiety, and the couple of people that knew just couldn't understand the changes, people just expect you to push it to the side and carry on like it didn't happen.

I have been too scared to venture out the house for 3 months, I wasn't allowed to drive until I got clearance from the surgeon and the massive scare from the middle of my forehead to the left ear needed time to heal, and for my hair to grow back, to at least cover the scare.

I don't speak of it anymore to anyone, I am now just trying to improve how I look after myself.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you, I could not imagine what it has been like for you. I truly hope that your had understanding people around you, and that you still do!

There are so many of us dealing with certain situations, and this site helps so many to know they are not alone.

And I hope that I can be there for others also on here

Thankyou to you and Juliet for your support and encouragement it made me cry, but in a good way!

take care and stay safe

Feeling alone and unloved

geoff — Fri, 15 Oct 2021 16:36:14 GMT

Hello Lisa, thank you for your reply and honestly feel so sorry for you.

People tend to forget about what's happened and believe that now everything is back to normal, they don't take into account that the damage you've had remains with you for life and for me, I developed epilepsy (the worst type) under control by medication thank goodness, but it has changed my life, as it, unfortunately, may happen with you, although I'm not a doctor to say.

My heart goes out to you.

Geoff.

Feeling alone and unloved

Juliet_84 — Sat, 16 Oct 2021 07:13:30 GMT

Oh huggy bear,

That’s such a good name for you as all I want to do is give you a big hug and say “I’m so sorry that you went through that”. It’s hard when other people act like “aren’t you over it by now” when something so significant and nearly life-ending happened to you. And to get through the recovery and the constant reminder of the scars there at the time. What I’ve learned is that some people won’t be there for you during those times, those are the same people who will turn up on your doorstep when their world is falling apart. It’s true that you only find out who your true friends are during times like these. I now remove those people from my life, everyone is going through their own journey in life and not everyone deserves to be in yours and if they’re not your champion then they are just taking up space! You have thankfully survived this serious event unscathed physically but are now understandably dealing with the emotional fallout. You may not feel ready at the moment but would you consider maybe seeing a psychologist in the future and talking through how you feel? It can be so incredibly cathartic to have someone listen to you and validate your experience and help you with ways that you can move past it? That being said, it’s also expected that you will have anxiety after something so traumatic and scary. Things are still quite fresh for you right now so the more space between you and the event, the more you will relax over time. And please also try and take some positives from the experience. For me I found that it had given me a newfound appreciation for life. I have had a chronic health condition since when I was young and I used to live in fear that something bad would happen to me, and suffered from depression and questioned whether I wanted to be here. But during my stroke, I found myself bargaining to let me just have 10 more years, let me see Paris etc. and so when I recovered, I booked my trip to Paris 🙂 I’ve since also seen Greece and plan to see more of the world. I’ve started to hope that I may live longer than 10 more years, and it’s given me a newfound zest for life. I think it’s made me realize that we’re all on borrowed time, none of us gets out of this alive, so I can sit around feeling depressed about my situation or I can try and change it. I still have my bad days and some days I don’t want to get out of bed, and that’s ok too. But I try and pick myself up the next day and start again - every day is a new day.