topic Not sure what to do! in Relationship and family issues

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Fri, 01 Oct 2021 23:40:19 GMT

Hey everyone! I've been with my BF for 2 years (we've lived together for 1 year). A few weeks into us meeting, he had told me that he didn't want to live in Sydney long term, at which point I told him my whole life is in Sydney & I never see myself leaving, so I told him that it would be better for him to date somebody else. He thought about it for a few days, came back & told me he wanted to be with me & that living here wasn't an issue.

Over the last 2 years we've looked at places to live & he's always chosen places in Sydney. Around 6 weeks ago however, I noticed that something had changed... he was being distant & avoiding me, wasn't talking to me when he was home & would take any chance to not be here on weekends (often telling me he would just be gone the Friday, but not coming back until the Sunday evening). I asked him what was going on & he said he has a big decision to make & he doesn't know what to do; the decision being that he loves me & wants to be with me (we've already spoken about engagement), but he doesn't want to be here. I asked him what's changed to make him feel that way & he told me that he's always felt that way &he went into this hoping he could change my mind (making me feel that I've been misled for 2 years). I started offering him compromises, to all of which he said no, but wasn't offering any solutions of his own.. he just kept saying he didn't want to be here. After 2 weeks of going back and forth on this, I ended up just telling him that he shouldn't stay here because of me because he'll just end up resenting me, so I told him to chase what he wants. We broke up but the day I was leaving, he then said he was happy to compromise. He also said he was happy to go to couple's counselling (which I had suggested months earlier & he had said no to). So the last few weeks we've been working on things & I thought we were moving in the right direction, only to find out this past weekend he's still not happy to compromise (so again I feel I've been putting in the effort the last few weeks when he's had one foot out the door).

So, we broke up a few days ago, but now he's willing to go with a different compromise, one that does suit us both however is of no benefit to me and I'd solely be doing it for him. I guess I'm not sure what to do because yes I am able to make the compromise, but all this back and forth has really made me doubt whether the compromise will make him happy long term or if we'll end up in the same position again.

Not sure what to do!

tranzcrybe — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 00:40:33 GMT

I am sensing you are not invested in this relationship, and that is fine as you have expressed your priorities clearly - your life is Sydney, not your BF.
So it is up to BF to make the decision or move on. Compromise sounds like it rests with him and possibly this role as 'second fiddle' is the basis for his discontent and reluctance to commit.
The romantic notion of "I would do anything for you" seems to be the missing piece in your conundrum.

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 00:57:49 GMT

It's not that I'm not invested in the relationship, but I have a business here, plus family and friends, as does he, so the move seems illogical and like more of a struggle than what staying here would be. That's why I made it clear when we first met before we were even in a relationship that my life was here. I don't believe it's fair for him to ask me to give up everything in my life to make a move to a place where I have nothing or no-one.

Not sure what to do!

WaterFront — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 01:46:13 GMT

Hi KK22,

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place to talk through your problems and get advice from the perspective of others. Feel free not to answer if you don't want to, I was wondering what the compromise is. It sounds like you both want to be together and are trying to accommodate each other's needs but that your needs are very different. Compromise is an important part of any relationship because each of you wants the other to be happy and feel fulfilled in your lives. You have explained why you wish to stay in Sydney and I wonder why it is so important for him to leave. If either one of you totally does what the other wants then there's a good chance one of you is going to be unhappy, and possibly resentful of the other.

Here to chat if you want to.

WaterFront

Not sure what to do!

tranzcrybe — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 01:55:04 GMT

"Nothing and no one" - quite a sacrifice indeed, and BF clearly has designs on himself to rate his importance above all of that.
The thought of starting life together from a clean slate sounds so cavalier. Has he identified reasons for moving or what makes Sydney appear so undesirable?
You are correct, it is unfair to ask you to give up everything - such acceptance must be of your own volition.

Not sure what to do!

Ggrand — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 02:18:37 GMT

Hello Dear KK22,

Welcome to our forums..

I think that because you made it clear at the beginning of your relationship and he continued being with you knowing that..that he shouldn’t have even asked you to you...Idk if he has been staying with you for these 2 years thinking of manipulative ways he could use on you too move...

Go with your heart dear KK22...it will be so hard to give up your business, move away from family and friends to somewhere you will have no close support if you need it..as well as closing down your business to try and start again....

Its just that I’m thinking, if you do move...in a couple of years down the track, if things never worked out for you, how will you then feel about your partner....will you end up resenting him?...

Its important to do what you want to do...not what your partner what’s you to do....Its your life lovely KK, you need to be happy...Moving just to keep him happy, disrupting your life, moving away from your family and friends to a place where you know no one, have no immediate work....for you to keep your own independence...

Please be careful lovely KK....talk it over with your family and friends before you make any decisions...

My kindest thoughts with my care dear KK.

Grandy..

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 04:26:30 GMT

Hey WaterFront! Initially six weeks ago, I had come up with a few compromises - one was that we could live in Sydney but buy a holiday house somewhere we could both escape to when need be, he turned down that idea very quickly. The second compromise was that we live in between where he wants to be and Sydney, he turned down that idea as well.

When we had broken up a few weeks ago, the compromise he was happy to go with was the holiday house idea, but then he took that back earlier this week and said that wouldn't make him happy. However the last few times we've spoken, he was happy to go with the idea of living in between the two places he want to be. Again, this would benefit him more than me as I'd be the one traveling longer each day to come down to Sydney to work. I guess I find it difficult to believe that's really what he wants considering how back and forth the last few weeks has been, especially from his end.

I'm also starting to believe this isn't the only issue, as I brought up this compromise to him today, expecting him to be happy about it considering it was something we had both mentioned as a potential, and he completely shut down the idea.I guess it also hurts now thinking I am trying my best and doing everything I can to make this work, but it just really seems like his heart isn't in this anymore, and if that was the case, I wish he would just say so.

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 04:36:02 GMT

Hi tranzcrybe, I'm really starting to feel that he believes giving up everything for him is an appropriate thing to do. And I think he's annoyed that I don't find it acceptable to leave my entire support network and the things I've worked for to chase a life that may not turn out how he has it in his mind.

Honestly, the reasons change every time we talk about this. Initially it was that he didn't want to pay the premium to live in Sydney and wanted to live somewhere we could buy a house for cheaper, which I told him is idealistic because where he wants to go, we would both struggle to find work and suddenly that cheaper house becomes just as much of a challenge. He's also mentioned that he wants to live closer to his family... again, he's lived away from them his entire life because of the mental health issues they have given him and the struggles and traumas he's been through as a child which still affect him now. Sometimes he just says he doesn't like the hustle and bustle of living here. It's always a different reason.

I'm not willing to give up everything, but I am willing to make a compromise with him that he still benefits more from but that is something I was prepared to do until he shut me down about it.

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 04:45:50 GMT

Hi Grandy! Yes I feel as though I really made it clear from the start and since that conversation he had never mentioned it again (so I don't really see how he thought he was changing my mind when the first I heard of it again was when we started fighting about it a few weeks ago). He had multiple opportunities to bring it up but he never did, he always kept mentioning areas in Sydney and that was it. I do feel like it's unfair to dump this on me after 2 years because obviously now there is a part of me that wants it to work out and I would have been more likely to move... so I feel the same in that he might have hidden this from me this entire time thinking the longer we spent together, the more likely I was to go along with it.

Initially I wanted to trial the idea, maybe move up there and see how we go, see if the move really does make him happier or if it doesn't, see if he can actually get work up there like he's been promising me he can, and see if things between us get better seeing as we're no longer in the place that supposedly makes him so unhappy. But as mentioned above, I brought this up to him today and he basically shut down the idea of moving halfway even as a compromise.

Not sure what to do!

WaterFront — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 05:07:57 GMT

Hi KK22,

It seems like he is being fairly inflexible about how he wants things to be and is not willing to listen to the suggestions you are making. Uprooting your whole life and moving away from your family and friends is a big commitment especially when you would be doing it very reluctantly. It may be that you will need to decide which you want more as he is trying to put you in a position where you are not able to have both. I agree with Ggrand in that you should follow your instincts and go with your heart, of which only you can determine.

WaterFront

Not sure what to do!

Guest_7403 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 05:56:29 GMT

May I ask how long the commute would be for you where he wants to live?

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 06:55:29 GMT

WaterFront - My heart is definitely telling me I can make the compromise. But now it feels broken that I’ve suggested it to him, and he still has said it’s not enough.

Guest_7403 - The commute from where he wants to live to where I work/where my family and friends live is over 4 hours. Hence why I’m willing to go somewhat halfwayish and live a maximum of 90 minutes away… which I think is fair considering he’s saying he just wants to work wherever and I’m the one with the fixed workplace.

Not sure what to do!

Juliet_84 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 07:05:42 GMT

Hi KK22,

I sympathize with both of your positions, having been in a similar situation myself. My partner and I met in Sydney, my life, my work, my friends and family were there and I could never imagine me leaving. Whereas he preferred Newcastle, his family was there, it was close to the beach and more affordable and didn’t have the same pitfalls, ie traffic, overcrowding etc. Sydney property prices ended up making the decision for us, it became so ridiculously unaffordable and high rises were going up left right and centre that we made the move. Like you, I once could not see myself anywhere else but Sydney, that’s where I had grown up etc. But we are not trees, life is about experiences, taking chances, doing things for the one you love, making a life together. I truly believe the saying that “home is wherever I’m with you”. I have since discovered so many wonderful things here and a sense of community I didn’t even know I was missing. I think that your partner is getting frustrated because he is trying to be open and flexible but you are being quite immovable on the subject. My advice to you is to be open. That doesn’t mean that you need to move wherever he wants on a whim but don’t just shut it down if it’s something that’s important to him and you love him. But I suppose the big question is whether you love him? If you do, I wouldn’t let this be the thing that breaks you up, but if you don’t see it lasting then it’s perhaps easier to let it go.

Not sure what to do!

Harlow88 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 12:33:23 GMT

Hi KK22,

Thank you for being so open.
I feel that you’ve worked really hard to own your own business and establish a wonderful, fulfilling life where you are.
You also made it crystal clear what your intentions where from the start.
Him saying he thought he could change your mind is very unfair. That’s why we have these difficult conversations somewhat early on so these things don’t become issues later.
It’s odd to me that the reasoning shifts every time you speak about it and he’s so reluctant to compromise.
it can’t be all his way. There should be consideration for both of you.
It doesn’t seem as though he’s being respectful of you and what you guys decided from the start.
I don’t think I’ve been much help to you, but I’m here if you’d like to chat further.
Be strong and remain true to YOUR values. You’ve worked so hard I’m sure and you have a good network of people around you, it would be a shame to throw it away for nothing.
please take care of you xx

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 20:51:28 GMT

Hi Juliet_84, I agree with everything you’ve said and I agree that we don’t need to stay in one place our whole lives. But I think the problem is that he’s the one not being flexible, he’s suggested moving 4 hours away from Sydney which I’ve said I definitely cannot do, and I’ve come back with a midway point where he’s not willing to meet me. Like I said, since he mentioned it 6 weeks ago, I’ve been the only one of the two of us making suggestions and compromises on how this could work, whereas he’s just sitting there saying “we either move 4 hours away, or I’m not happy with anything else you suggest.” I’m all for making a compromise, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do, I’ve been trying to talk to him about this and make it work without me also having to lose everything that matters to me, but he’s not meeting me halfway and that’s why I’m frustrated.

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Sat, 02 Oct 2021 20:57:28 GMT

Hi Harlow88, that’s definitely something that upsets me at this point. That really is the exact reason I had this conversation early on.. so the feelings wouldn’t grow and we wouldn’t get to this point where on one hand engagement is being talked about but now this comes up as well. I feel it’s unfair also that I didn’t hear about this at all until 6 weeks ago… not once in the last 2 years was this brought up again. It was just a complete bombshell and then it felt like I wasn’t even given time to process anything or think about it, so I did the best I could, and it just feels like I’m constantly being told it’s his way or it’s not enough.
I think I’m not a difficult person to be with, and I’m really trying to make this work. Even the compromise of living midway is much more beneficial to him than me. And I’m willing to do that because I love him and because I see a future with him. It just hurts that I’m doing my best and putting in all this effort and having to make all of the decisions it seems, and I’m getting nothing back. No matter what I suggest, its not enough. It feels like compromise was never even on the table for him. 😞

Not sure what to do!

Juliet_84 — Sun, 03 Oct 2021 03:34:56 GMT

Hi KK22,

I understand where you’re coming from, I didn’t realise that you had proposed a halfway point and he won’t budge. Do you know what his reasons are for not accepting that as a possible option? Do you know his reasons for wanting to move to this exact location. You would be giving up a lot to do it so I think he needs to be willing to communicate a lot more about it. You also need to make sure that he doesn’t just have some romanticized dream of moving away etc, and it’s based in reality. Because although it’s a great experience, it still is hard to pack up and start again.

Not sure what to do!

Ggrand — Sun, 03 Oct 2021 04:46:52 GMT

Hello Dear KK22..

I am a bit concerned that he isn’t compromising anything with you....That’s totally unfair for you...You deserve to be heard by your partner...It’s not a one way street....when 2 people are in a partnership, engagement, or married...both people need to make a decision that will make each of you happy...or else regrets or resentment of the other person could start...

If you don’t move, has he made an ultimatum?...

He expects you to love him enough to pack your life away and follow him...probably be dependent on him...which to me is a red flag...

If he loves you..and knew from the onset of your relationship that you don’t want to move away from where you are living now...He should not even have asked you to move...

Does your partner have a job, where you are living now?.

What happens if you or you’re partner don’t find work if you move...Would you both be living off the sale of your business in Sydney until work can be found....or would you keep your business you have where you are now and find someone to manage it for you?..I’m sorry I’m asking these questions..I just want you to be safe and financially dependent if things go wrong...I just think he sounds a bit manipulative towards you...

If bf wants to go their so much...another option would be for him to go first...find a place to live...get himself into a job...then after a few months if you felt like it you could visit him for a week or two and see how you like the area and if their are jobs available that suit you..

Warm thoughts lovely KK..

Grandy..

Not sure what to do!

tranzcrybe — Sun, 03 Oct 2021 12:18:30 GMT

The problem, as I see it, is that you have two loves in your life - BF and your career. You shouldn't have to choose, but in this instance you simply can't accommodate both.

BF is threatened by your self sufficiency and probably feels he is dispensable, or at best an accessory to your achievements. Thus, he has cunningly fostered your affection to give him leverage in the bargaining. The only compromise here, sadly, is trust and openness.

You, on the other hand, have developed a dependency on your structured lifestyle and may be fearful of uncertainty. You can fit BF in, but that will not diminish your first love (despite the extra commute). As such, you have not compromised - merely offered an incentive for you to retain your advantage.

Add BF's troubled childhood and likely insecurities over rejection or abandonment, this would not sit well as you had previously expressed a willingness to part ways on this basis.

I think we have two dominant personalities at play, fighting for their own way under the guise of compromise. There is no compromise if you continue doing what you do, at least in BF's mind since his dominance would be usurped by your security.

Perhaps compromise is not workable - sacrifice, however, could be the more confronting issue for both parties if this relationship is to become durable. One must yield unreservedly and I doubt there is the capacity on either side.

Sorry if I am being too direct - it is only my opinion from the facts supplied.

Not sure what to do!

KK22 — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 01:48:28 GMT

Hi Juliet_84, he's just said that because of the back and forth on this issue the last few weeks (which has been all caused by him as I've said the same thing the whole time and had the same compromise in mind), he's not feeling optimistic about the relationship overall now. So I ended up asking him if he just wants the relationship to be over, because now it's sounding like that's the issue... to which he replied definitely not. He has said he still 100% wants this relationship and wants us to be together.. so I don't know what the issue is tbh.

His reasons for moving change every time, so that's also hard to keep up with/speak logic too. Every time I ease his mind about one issue, it's now a new reason to move.

From everything he has told me, this is more of a fantasy than him thinking about the reality. He hasn't been offered a new position up there for work, so he's going with 'it'll be easy for me to find work', which from what I've been told by others in the same profession, is definitely not the case. One of the reasons he's giving for moving up there is that it's cheaper to buy a house, but I've brought up that if he can't find work, that smaller mortgage becomes as much of a struggle as the larger mortgage in Sydney. I've also said that the move puts us further away from my family who would be free baby sitters when we have children, so we'd also be paying more for childcare. Not to mention my travel expenses increasing as I'm travelling further (so more for petrol and tolls).

It just seems to be something he wants to do, and he's even admitted that if all of the above mentioned ends up being too much, we may very well find ourselves moving back to Sydney in a short period of time... and I definitely do not want to be picking up my life and moving every other year as things change.