topic Re: family feels wrong and broken in Relationship and family issues

need help apologising to an ex friend

booga — Thu, 02 Oct 2025 18:18:01 GMT

almost a year ago, a friend and i fell out and had an argument. we havent talked in nearly a year, n this past year ive realised how bad of a friend ive been to him (ive said awful things to him, treated him unfairly etc) however, im not interested in going back to being friends with him because at times hes made me feel uneasy.

now, this isnt to say im a victim, if anything i was worse to him than he was to me, and i dont really want to repeat the things ive said to him because it disgusts me how i behaved to him.

to the point, im afraid to apologise. i want to be better and the first step is to apologise to those ive wronged. however, i dont know how he'll react to it, and i struggle with paranoia and a particular worry i have is that he'll hurt me if i apologise (i doubt he will but again, paranoia)

i have the apology written as a draft on my old school email, but im scared to click send. i just want this niggling guilt off my shoulders and i dont know if hes moved on or not and if i should just let it be

Re: need help apologising to an ex friend

white knight — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 01:48:31 GMT

Hi, welcome

"Niggling guilt" is the right description. Guilt in my opinion is a serious problem. I once hurt a room mate of mine in 1976 yes a long time ago and I had apologised to him just after that but he rejected it. When Facebook started up about 15 years ago I searched and found that he lived overseas and sent him a message. He didnt respond but he did block me. So it had been 34 years since I had seen him and my guilt continued. So what did I do?

I selected 3 close friends and shared it with them over coffee. Each one of them said they would have given up after the first time and moved on. This told me that on average most people didnt act like I did and hold onto it. That having done so it effected my own mental health.

In your case you havent apologised. This is important as a single step. So, in general I dont like the idea of apologising by letter/text/email as it doesnt reflect courage. It's tough but on the phone or face to face is the more ethical way. It is also good to acknowledge that your friendship isnt what you seek and you are prepared to be distant.

So if you do choose to say sorry by letter make it very short- something like this- "Hi ..... (name), I've reflected a lot on my own behaviour towards you some time ago and I want to apologise for hurting you. It wasnt right. I dont expect any reconnection but as a human I think I can do better. I wish you well. Kind regards .....(your name).

Any additional information is asking for trouble as a solid reaction isnt the purpose. Then you can bump into each other and chat casually.

I hope that works.

TonyWK

apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

booga — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 08:51:48 GMT

so i made a post a while back talking about how i was afraid to apologise to my ex friend who i was reaaally toxic to (i ended up apologising, thankfully. he didnt forgive me and thats okay)

now im struggling with another problem and that is i still feel guilty and i know i need to move on, but i feel like ive done a lot of stupid things in my life, and a majority of it was when i was 12-16 years old. i know teens do stupid things, but i still feel nasty about it, and all i wanna do is let go of who i used to be because im so ashamed of my past

like i used to be a really rude and mean person and this year ive focused on improving myself, but i still feel like deep down ill always be a bad person. i still struggle to respond to my new best friend's infodumps (i do find them interesting! i just struggle to actually pay attention and respond well). im scared if people ever find out how bad of a person i was, then theyll tell me ill never change and ill always be bad. i dont want to be a bad person, i want to be good

Re: apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

Croix — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 10:39:33 GMT

Dear Booga~

Welcome back, I'm sorry that problem with your ex-friend is still troubling you. Actually is sounds as if all the things you have done in the past that you think were wrong are weighing you down and stop you from looking at yourself though fresh eyes.

You are not seeing the good you have done - and I"m sure that would be many things, even if you have not remembered or recognize them.

As you say yourself you turned over a new leaf and have been a different person, improving on what you thoght you were. All the time the past poisons your thoughts about yourself it's going to be pretty hard to feel better, that you are in fact a good person, and I am sure that you are.

No bad person would regret things the way you do. As you have not felt better about yourself can I suggest you get some counseling to help you see your past, both bad and good, with a true sense of proportion and leave you room to feel good now.

Once you do other people will see it too, that is not really a problem.

Croix

Re: apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

booga — Wed, 17 Dec 2025 01:00:48 GMT

thing is, i don't feel like im worth forgiving, nor do i feel like i deserve to be seen as a good person

Re: apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

Croix — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 09:58:19 GMT

Dear Booga

I'm trying to change your feelings by using logical words, and that is hard.

OK, to be seen as a good person takes time and effort. Maybe one good deed will influence some, many good deeds will have you regarded well by all. So it is not instant magic, it is, like many things, an effort - if you think about it many worth while things are.

You have already started this process, no reason to stop. If you feel bad about something sing out and we could talk it over. Each of us may have a different contribution to make.

Now the first part you said is talking rubbish. Of course you are worth forgiving. Any person that regrets past actions has a good core, and that is you. It does not really matter if your ex-friend comes round to forgiving your actions, it is you that has to realise you are human, humans make mistakes and wihtout forgiveness the world would grind to a halt.

So accept you are not perfect, you are certainly worth us spending every effort to convince you how worth-while you are

Croix

Re: apologised to some people i hurt, but i still feel guilty

therising — Sun, 21 Dec 2025 04:40:44 GMT

Hi booga

I've found that it's about becoming a more conscious person, more than anything else. Throughout life, the challenge is to rise and rise and rise and keep on rising or graduating to new levels of consciousness. I've found part of the challenge with this involves gradually developing new feelings. Kinda like 'Now that I'm more conscious, I can feel that person's sense of betrayal or feel their sense of disappointment in me or feel the sense of sadness I've caused them'. So we don't just develop mentally, we also develop emotionally with the need to better understand and manage the emotions we come to feel.

Not sure if it will help but I've come to imagine that the only true self is my present self. My past self is just a memory. So, from zero to now (as a 55yo gal), there's like a vapor trail of ghosts of my past self or selves. Looking back, I can say my self in my teens and 20s was incredibly selfish, thoughtless and unfeeling towards others at times. This was because I was far less conscious back then. If I go back in time and talk to my 'ghosts of the past' each one would have something to tell me and I would be able to forgive each one based on their lack of consciousness. For example, I could go back to my 13yo self and realise no one ever sat her down and spoke to her of developing compassion for others and things along those lines. I could go back to my 20s and realise I was an alcoholic who drank my way through long term depression. Nothing quite like alcohol to impact our level of consciousness. What was depressing for me back then was never addressed and with the alcohol on top of it, I had little consciousness. I forgive my past self for that.

As we graduate, we can change dramatically over time. So, unless someone's determined to never change, they can change. We just have to be prepared, with an open mind, to gradually develop into who we're going to be (someone far from who we used to be). I should also add that if someone was to resent me after finding out about something I did in the past, my response would be along the lines of 'You're hating or holding a grudge against who I used to be'. Another way of seeing that is 'Grudges against ghosts are useless'.

having some friend issues

booga — Sun, 10 May 2026 04:44:34 GMT

i have a friend who lives on the opposite side of the world from me, and so we can only spend time together at certain intervals (usually from 8 am to 2 pm)

since i've turned 18, i no longer have a bedtime and have been staying up super late, causing me to sleep in until 2 pm, which is when they usually go offline. they told me they feel bad about it and miss spending time with me, and i do too i feel really guilty about it, but staying up late feels almost cathartic to me because my mum used to be so strict about my bedtime that she'd always say stuff like "you're just looking for excuses to stay out of bed".

my creativity comes to me most when its late, and when im in bed for too long and im not tired, i start overthinking things. i like to stay up late because it makes me feel like i am my own person choosing my own activities, but i feel bad about my friend because we cant spend much time together because of it. i just dont know what to do, i dont want this to ruin our friendship

Re: having some friend issues

white knight — Mon, 11 May 2026 00:09:47 GMT

Hi welcome

Sorry for the delay, I got to thinking- can you use email or messages to communicate? Then say, every Sunday morning you put your alarm clock on and communicate normally before 2pm?

A friendship isnt a good one if you feel guilty for not living up to expectations of your own or someone elses. This situation is unusual so it takes an unusual solution.

Good quality sleep is essential, it is often underrated for its importance and really late sleeping times is unhealthy, thats a fact so it must be addressed, your mum is sometimes correct so its best to swallow those facts and make some changes. You can do it!!

Thanks for writing in, many others will benefit from it.

TonyWK

Re: having some friend issues

Earth Girl — Tue, 12 May 2026 02:24:50 GMT

Hi booga,

It's very understandable why you want to stay up late, but sleep really is important and can eventually really impact your mental health if you don't get enough.

I like White Knight's suggestion of talking to each other through emails or messages instead. That's great advice because you'll still be able to say as much as you want to each other and will be able to get back to each other at times that are much easier for both of you.

I'm sure if you talk to your friend and ask them if it's okay if you email or message each other instead because you are worried that you aren't getting enough sleep that they will understand and know that it's not anything personal. You of course still like them and want to talk to them, just at times that will help keep both of you mentally healthy.

You could also slowly get back to going to bed earlier if it's hard for you to fall asleep. Before going to bed, I would recommend doing activities that don't involve things like computers because the light from them can make it harder for you to get to sleep sooner. Maybe you could do your creative activities (such as story writing, drawing, art, music if you're allowed to, whatever they may be), before going to bed and that might help you sleep better.

feeling suffocated in a friendship

booga — Sat, 16 May 2026 10:42:13 GMT

every time i make friends, at some point in the relationship theres always a point where they have a bunch of issues and they just vent it out onto me every single time, be it just talking about their problems or taking it out on me. and every single time, i just can't deal with it. i'm not good at comforting people who are upset, nor do i like having someone's pain being taken out on me.

this time around, my friend is just talking about their issues a lot, and i know they need an outlet and that its okay to be sad, but it feels like theyre always sad, always talking about their problems, and when they aren't, it feels like i have to walk on eggshells with my words, because one wrong word and itll upset them. today we had plans to hang out, but then they had to do something with family, and so i was offered to go out of town with my dad, so i accepted, but right as i left, they told me they just finished the movie, and we couldn't hang out.

it feels like every second of every day i am just waiting to do something with them, and then when its night time (when my creative juices are flowing, as said in my previous post) i cant even stay up because they want me to go to bed just for a chance to us to spend time together. it feels like i never have time to do things for myself, time to draw for myself, or anything. theyre not as mean as im making them out to be btw, its just. ive dealt with terrible people in the past and those experiences make me feel like i have to be the perfect friend or just the friend that always says yes.

im so sick of it. i just want time to myself to do my own things and indulge in my own interests but i also dont want to lose my friendship with them but i also want to stop worrying about them all the time.

Re: feeling suffocated in a friendship

trying_my_best — Sat, 16 May 2026 12:02:41 GMT

Hi @booga!

I have been in your situation many times! In particular, I had one friend who did/does this all the time (I haven’t talked to them in a year now). I found that I needed to place some boundaries. Setting boundaries does not make you a bad friend, arguably, it makes you a better friend. Because it will allow you to have the time for yourself so you can reset and just be. I know I certainly needed that time!

If you feel comfortable you can refer them to helplines such as this forum, the call lines of BeyondBlue, KidsHelpline, and Lifeline!

Lifeline: https://www.google.com/search?q=lifeline&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-au&client=safari#

KidsHelpline: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/phone-counselling

Wishing you the best 🫶

Re: feeling suffocated in a friendship

Psychdiaries2 — Sun, 17 May 2026 09:34:55 GMT

Hey there,

Welcome back to the forums and thanks for your post!

I can understand how heavy it can be when people put their problems onto you and expect you to have the answers to everything. The truth is, sometimes we don't know how to handle it and that's ok. There has to be a line drawn in this situation, because it's unfair if all this friend does is vent to you and not give any time to do anything else. Yes, it's normal in friendships to have deep talks, but to a certain extent. You also want to be able to let loose and have fun too. It's a balance. I agree with trying_my_best that setting boundaries is important here. You could say something like 'I care about you and want to listen, but I can't listen past 10pm...' or something like that just so they know that they can't always be talking about this, and that you want to do other things too.

You don't have to say yes to everything. You don't need to be the perfect friend. Nobody is. You obviously care a lot of this friendship. Think about what you really want. You mentioned you never have time to draw. Try and turn off your phone for awhile and do something for yourself. You deserve it.

Keep reaching out, we're here for you

Kind regards,

PsychDiaries

family feels wrong and broken

booga — Mon, 18 May 2026 16:48:06 GMT

so let me just start off by saying, my family has a good relationship with each other. none of us are abusive to each other or anything like that. my main issue is that we're always on technology, including myself. however, i feel like i at least have excuses for that, because i do most of my art and stuff on computer, i dont like drawing traditionally and all of my friends are in other countries or simply too far away. at times, it feels like im the only one out of my siblings willing to go outside or go to other towns/cities.

my brother and sister never want to go anywhere and i understand that they might find it overwhelming or something, but i just miss those times going out as a family, eating together as a family, doing anything together as a family. we don't eat as a family together; my mum stays in her room to eat, everyone else eats in the living room, but they all watch their own things instead. we dont even watch new years celebrations on tv as a full group anymore. every time ive been away from home with my brother, he always asks "can we go home soon". my sister is better and i dont really have many qualms with her, its mainly my brother.

i would like to add that i am the youngest in my family, everyone else being in their 20s and ive only recently turned 18. i feel like sometimes i am babied or not taken entirely seriously, which has always been an insecurity of mine. ive been having repeated thoughts of moving out, despite me not having a job or a good position to do so. i just feel like if my family isnt going to feel like a family, i might as well be living on my own. i dont like this house. every day i feel more and more irritated at everyone else, even though theyre not doing anything wrong, just things that bug me. i dont have my own room and i have to share with my brother, meaning i cant decorate or express myself in my own room.

i know a lot of these things are out of my family's control. i just wish they'd at least pull together and feel like a family. i want us to watch tv together in the living room like a family again, i want my brother to get away from his video game addiction, i want all of us to go out shopping and do things together like a real family would, but it feels like no one ever tries to be better, and if i told them how i feel, they would try to change to make me feel better. but it wouldnt make me feel better, because its not what they want, its just what i want and they wont be happy if theyre all just doing what one person wants and no one else.

Re: family feels wrong and broken

booga — Mon, 18 May 2026 16:52:31 GMT

i forgot to add this in the full post, but my friend will sometimes talk about how they go and hang out with family and do family-related activities and complain about it, but i dont think they realise just how much i want that for my family

Re: family feels wrong and broken

Daydreamer70 — Tue, 19 May 2026 01:37:58 GMT

Hi there,

Thank you for writing in. I hear you and see you, it is sounding to me like you are feeling quite lonely within your family unit. I understand this separation to feel very difficult. Even though there is no direct conflict, silence and disconnection from each other can sometimes feel equally as upsetting. I wonder maybe if your other family members are feeling the same? Correct me if I have misunderstood, but it does not seem like you have brought this issue up with any of your family members directly. I understand it feels daunting and sometimes pointless, you want them to engage on their own terms, however it is worth considering that maybe they feel the same way as you do about the disconnect. If nothing gets verbalised you will never fully know. I know it is scary, but I truely believe especially with family that being honest and transparent with how you are feeling is better than saying nothing at all. It sounds like you really care about your family and want more from the relationship with them, which I think is beautiful and worth verbalising. Every time I have felt separated from my family members (I live at home too) it has felt so daunting approaching them with this concern, but 9/10 it has always been resolved once spoken about. Try suggesting to the family member you feel closest to doing an activity at home together, or sitting with your brother to play a video game. Little steps to build a connection again without it feeling too overwhelming.

I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to write back here on the forums if you would like to discuss more, we are always here to support and listen.

All the best and kind regards,

Daydreamer.

Re: family feels wrong and broken

therising — Fri, 22 May 2026 19:11:03 GMT

Hi booga

Sounds like you could be the 'sensitive' of the family, the key family member who senses what's needed in the way of constructive changes or who can sense what's wrong in some cases. Just about every family has their 'sensitive', the family member who tends to feel more than others.

As everyone in a family gets older, there can be that sense of disconnect as each individual develops their own interests. How to remain connected through certain traditions or habits is one thing. Another factor can involve developing new ways to connect. I think sometimes we can be up against it when we're trying to find new things to do that are more interesting than what each family member experiences in their alone time.

While everyone in the family may not be interested in group or family activities right now, it may pay to start small just to begin with. Getting family members out of certain habits could be a way to go. One thing to consider it what's going to lure them out of doing what just serves them. What's going to hook their attention, for a start.

As an example, you could say to your brother, 'I noticed EB Games (or whatever gaming shop) has a whole stack of new second hand games for sale. Do you want to go and have a look?'. It could be a lure to going out to the local shopping centre, getting him out of the house. If he loves food, it could be more so 'Do you want to have a break and stretch your legs and go and get something to eat?'
If your mum is highly imaginative and has been talking a little about redecorating the house, a way to get someone else at the dinner table could sound like 'Mum, can we sit at the dinner table tonight and talk about ideas for the house?'
If your sister loves nature, getting her to imagine the best nature walks for you both to go on could be something. Or if she loves photography, finding places to photograph could work just as well
If your dad doesn't really like going anywhere but absolutely loves free time to himself at cafes, 'Dad, can you drive my sister and I up to the hills or down to the beach where you can find the best coffee shop for a break' could lure him into doing something. Even if the time with him is about having a chat in the car

Making connections through other people's interests can sometimes be key to unlocking what can become new family habits or traditions.

Btw, getting family members to do what serves you isn't always a bad thing. If that thing ends up being something they've enjoyed, it's technically served everyone involved.

If you are your family's 'sensitive', try and gain a sense of what would serve each family member, while getting a better sense of their nature at the same time. Such an exercise can help you develop your senses. And, yes, you may sense your frustration at times but that's okay. Being sensitive means we're not just going to feel the 'good' emotions, we can feel or sense the challenging ones too.😊

Re: family feels wrong and broken

booga — Sat, 23 May 2026 13:13:12 GMT

unfortunately, my brother doesnt like going outside full stop and the only eb games near us is an hour and a half away. i appreciate the advice, but my parents do go outside regularly, its just my siblings that are the issue

Re: family feels wrong and broken

therising — Sat, 23 May 2026 18:53:52 GMT

Hi booga

I imagine your parents are relieved to know one of their kids (you) is looking for positive change in the family dynamics. With your brother's refusal to go out, do you think it's worth starting with your sister when it comes to getting her to make a little more of an effort? Do you have any ideas when it comes to what would interest her? Have you spoken to her about wanting to spend more quality time together? Could she come up with some things that might interest her?

friend is becoming boring

booga — Mon, 10 Aug 2026 14:10:29 GMT

my best friend is starting to feel boring and it feels like they're changing, they're suddenly talking about wanting to be less online-centered and its driving me mad because all they talk about now is how they have to drive a car they don't want to drive, relationship issues between people i don't even know, and just generally "real" things. they're constantly talking down on my sleep schedule and talking about their future and just generally things i do not CAAARE about

i understand theyre coming from a place of concern and im glad they're trying to improve their life but quite frankly i go online and make online friends as escapism and them talking about the real world near constantly is starting to bug me. we were calling today and they started talking about how they would have to drive this car they don't want to drive and all i could think was "when will they shut up" or "i dont CAAARE" because it felt like they were dragging on and on about things i just do not care about in the slightest

i hate feeling annoyed or bored at them and if they wanna fix their life that's good for them but im sick of them hinting at trying to fix mine. im stressed all the time because they just vent nonstop and complain, complain, complain, i just can't stand it man i dont want to hear it i want to play and have fun but i can't do that when theyre venting constantly

idk i feel like a bad friend for it but i just can't stand it. I always struggled to care about or engage with other peoples thoughts and ramblings but this is a whole new level man