topic Re: Historical cheating in Relationship and family issues

Historical cheating

Rocky — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 08:18:53 GMT

My husband of 35 years has recently told me that when he worked overseas for 2 years, (back for 1 week every 5 weeks) 8 years into our marriage he slept with several prostitutes, frequented strip clubs and had lap dances and had a 3 month affair with a colleague who then tried to extort money from him and emotionally blackmail him with suicide threats. He also had unprotected sex with her. He only admitted the truth after I confronted him with a positive STI result. He drip fed me lies for 3 weeks, then drip fed me the 'truth' for another 3.

The pain of this is real and raw and honestly I have never felt anything like this in my life. I had no concerns about him being faithful and we always refer to each other as best friends. I love him dearly but am repulsed by what he has done and how he has used women's bodies for his own gratification. Our kids were so young and I struggled without him. I don't know if I can ever forgive him, I will certainly never forget what he has done and all trust has gone. He has recently been diagnosed with ADD which explains the risk taking behaviours. But, there is no excuse, he knew right from wrong and lied to me for 20 odd years and took away my choice to stay or leave and not to mention getting my health checked. Back then I would have gone. Now, nearing retirement I don't know how to move forward from this. Life as I know it has changed. He wants to work on our marriage and is seeking specialist support. I just don't know if I have the energy or motivation to do the same. Would appreciate your thoughts.

Re: Historical cheating

Croix — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 13:43:53 GMT

Dear Rocky~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are in and hope among other things your health has not been affected too badly by the STI.

To have broken trust, been unfaithful and hidden it from you is a realy horrible thing, and as you say, if you had found out at the time you would have left. However you did not find out and have lived with your husband for 20 years afterwards and brought up your children together - that has to have some value..

Now I'm not minimizing the harm he did to you ,it is a shattering of your world with the person you always relied upon found to have been lacking. I will say people do make mistakes and then are afraid to reveal them. His actions overseas or with a colleague may have been caused by many things, possibly because being alone and missing being with you, possibly because he was in a tempting environment, perhaps because young kids were a pressure, ADD caused impulse behaviour which might have contributed - I'd not know.

I do know that humans can learn from their mistakes and change. The person he is now, having the benefit of living with you for so long and bringing up children, is quite possibly not the same person who misbehaved. If he has started seeking support so he is better able to sustain the marriage that has to be good, it would show he values it.

Do your children know about this, and if so what are their attitudes?

I can't advise you what to do, that has to come from inside you, however I'd urge you to give it some time before taking any action, and I'd also think you might benefit from talking to someone outside, such as a councilor. Either way I'd be sad if you decided in haste and came to regret that decision in later life.

This is such a big thing just one response here from someone you don't know is never going to be enough. If you would like to come back and talk more you'd be very welcome.

Croix

Re: Historical cheating

therising — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 19:27:37 GMT

Hi Rocky

My heart goes out to you so much as you face feeling so many emotions, from deep sadness all the way through to incredible anger. So many emotions for you to feel and make complete sense of right now. Understandably, everything feels so raw.

Not sure whether it would help to think along the lines of 'The marriage I had is over, as far as I'm concerned, a marriage of infidelity and deception. Do I want to start from scratch and work on forming a new connection with someone who is now a different person?'. If it could be a way of thinking, keep in mind there's no rush to commit to it. This time is about you and how you need to make sense of everything that's now come to light. Perhaps in some ways it makes sense to ask 'Do I want to commit to a guy who has changed yet had a history of cheating on his wife?', a new reality that you now face. Perhaps you could never trust such a person, whether that's your husband or any other guy. Maybe this is something counseling could help you answer. When feeling completely lost, sometimes it's about finding the people who are going to help shed light and lead us through a dark and disorienting part of our path in life.

What's also understandable is the question 'How do I now live with this person, in the same house?'. Of course, some people decide they just can't live with their partner ever again. In other cases the question becomes 'How do I want to or need to live with my partner, while I'm processing all this?'. Do you feel the need to take a time out and maybe take leave from work and go away for a week, just to sit with things and make sense of them? Do you feel some kind of 'soul retreat' could be your thing (not everyone's cup of tea)? Just thinking how soul destroying this must feel for you. Do you need to see a personal counselor, just for you? Do you feel separate beds would lead you to feel less stressed, less resentful or less angry (feelings that can eat us up inside)? I can imagine the way forward must feel so incredibly unclear to you, especially with you on the verge of retirement. While you imagined in your mind how retirement was going to look for you and your marriage, it now looks very different. I feel for you so much.❤️

Re: Historical cheating

Rocky — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 10:58:12 GMT

Hi, and thank you for taking the time to respond. Two weeks into his time away he slept with the first prostitute, felt guilty, but did it again more times. His guilt manifested in anger towards me, nothing physical, but not nice to deal with for many years. I am no pushover and have told him to adjust the attitude towards me. I know he is ashamed and embarrassed by what he has done and understands now the women he slept with were impoverished and desperate but is still unable to tell me why he did it. Our adult kids know, they are trying to be neutral but our eldest is struggling with it all.

I did seek support from a betrayal trauma psychologist last week but he told me I was playing the victim. I am currently seeking an alternative psychologist who has empathy. No other family or friends know yet so I really do appreciate the support on this forum.

Re: Historical cheating

Croix — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 12:12:35 GMT

Dear Rocky~

I personally think it is probably a good thing your children have found out now, rather than later. It, for them like you, have had their world overturned.

Your first counselor does not sound at all empathetic, and to say you are 'playing the victim' sounds a trivial and non-understanding response. I can also quite believe you are no pushover and do not need to play the victim, you will make your mind up for yourself having received appropriate advice.

I think you are wise to seek another councilor, though if you don't mind me saying so it does not mean that any councilor will see the matter as completely black and white. You and your children, are the persons suffering injury, there is no doubt. The black and white is more trying to get an understanding why your husband behaved as he did and if there are any factors that make it more understandable and that he now has worth.

Normally I have found Relationships Australia to be a good source of counselors, they are in every state and if they are not near you may be able to recommend one that is. If you eldest is struggling they might benefit from counceling too.

As I said before I am not in a position to recommend any particular course of action though you might find my own past experience in another field helpful. I was a policeman and saw many persons who had broken the law and been though the judicial system, some went on to be as model a citizen as society allowed, and some simply kept on going as they had before. I did try to help those that had offended and I felt deserved a helping hand to live a better life. This was a hard and frustrating task as society tends to be harsh.

If you think mentioning my own experiences is inappropriate by all means tell me so and you will have my apologies.

I am glad you did try to seek professional advise, it is simply unfortunate you struck someone who was unsuitable.

As I mentioned before this is a weighty matter and if you would like to talk more we are here and will welcome you. I hope we can help.

Croix

Re: Historical cheating

therising — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 18:31:46 GMT

Hi Rocky

I'm so glad to hear that you're seeking support from a different therapist who you feel matches you and how you're feeling right now. With 'playing the victim' being a poor choice of words, I can understand how that would not only feel degrading but also dismissive in many ways. There is no need to play the victim when you are genuinely feeling yourself as a victim of sufferance, betrayal and more.

From what you say, it sounds like there was so much more involved than infidelity. While you were unknowingly trying to manage your husband's sense of guilt/anger, the idea that 'I had to manage your anger for years because of your sense of guilt' definitely adds to things. While I imagine you're trying to get him to take accountability for so much right now (including wanting him to tell you why he did what he did), dealing with dread and shame may be taking priority for him at the moment before he is honest enough to admit the reasons. If this does happen to be the case, perhaps suggesting he put his challenging emotions aside in order to help you make greater sense of things could be a way to go. He can work on both, his sense of dread and shame and your need for answers.

The impact of all this on you and the kids is obviously enormous and understandably so. Your eldest child especially sounds like they could be dealing with so many mixed emotions. A sense of love and loyalty vs resentment, sadness and more regarding their father (while also feeling for you at the same time) is a lot to be sensing all at once, that's for sure. If they are a sensitive person to start with, this must feel overwhelming.❤️