topic Feeling so desperate in Relationship and family issues

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 10:17:45 GMT

I am desperate, I have had to take Valium tonight to ease my Anxiety

i am so in love with this man, he has pursued me for 5 mths and we have seen each other twice.

i told him on Wednesday night that I am so attracted to him and he replied:

Oh boy... Blushing

I replied: You wanted to know!

i want to message him but am so scared of scaring him off or losing him.

I feel such an amazing connection with him and feel so crazy in love with him

i don’t know what to do, the waiting is killing me!
Why has been become distant?

Is he thinking about me being attracted or is he is getting his thoughts together or is he ignoring me??

I don’t know what to do with him!

Do I send a message and say:

Are you not talking to me now? Or it would be nice to know if you are not talking to me now? But that makes me look desperate!

I sent him a nice message this morning:

Happy Friday!

Hope you have a nice day! xx

Got no response

I am dying with anxiety and can only think he is with another woman!

I cannot think straight

Feeling so desperate

quirkywords — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 11:08:18 GMT

Elsam

Thanks for writing with so much expression about your feelings. Dating new people is hard but now with meeting in person is limited it makes things harder.MySuper have to,d him how you feel so maybe wait till he replies.

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 11:31:37 GMT

Hi Elsam

I'm sorry you're going through so much anxiety with this guy.

I agree with what others have said elsewhere that it's very hard to know just what this man is up to from what you say.

However personally I would figure this man is either very uncertain about pursuing the relationship and is blowing hot and cold, or he's just keeping you on the back burner.

As things are, all you get is uncertainty and he knows you're there for him whenever he wants.

I wouldn't pursue him any further. I wouldn't text him.

Give him space with no contact.

If he's genuinely interested he'll be back. If not, then you haven't wasted any more time on him. I

I think you deserve a guy who you know cares about you. I'm honestly not sure if this guy is just unsure about a relationship with you or he's playing you along.

He's only had two meetings with you in five months.

Have you done things together like going out to places during the day or just meeting up to enjoy each other's company, not necessarily being intimate? Do you have any long conversations at all by phone at least? I know lock downs make things difficult but if he genuinely likes you he'd be talking to you regularly.

If he comes back then see how it goes but I wouldn't be intimate with him again until you're certain about him.

If he doesn't come back you've saved yourself from more heartache and you move on. Find someone who is more deserving of you.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I wouldn't be waiting around for this guy.

I'd get busy meeting someone else! Then if he does come back you can decide if you really want to pursue things further with him.

Best wishes.

Feeling so desperate

Isabella_ — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 13:01:13 GMT

Hi Elsam,

Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like your anxiety has grown to be quite severe.. I'm sorry to hear this.

I know exactly how you're feeling. The anticipation gets nearly painful and your mind wonders to different scenarios. I'm really proud of you for making the move to be honest about your feelings towards him.. that's not an easy thing to do.

I think @Hanna3 has given some helpful advice - if he's the right one for you, he will come around. The ball is in his court now.

Perhaps he needs some time to think and get his thoughts together.. Whatever it may be, it's hard to hear that you're experiencing extreme anxiety and stress over this situation.

I think it may be helpful for you to distance yourself from him for a few days as hard as it is. If he still hasn't replied, it wouldn't hurt to ask him where he stands and get that closure. Distancing yourself and being focused on yourself will make it easier to not wonder where he is, what he's doing, how he might be feeling. I think that's important.

It's hard to be in a position where you're left wondering about how he feels about you after being open with him. But again, I'm super proud of you for putting your heart out there, and you should give yourself a lot of credit for that.

I hope everything works out for you and you're taking care of yourself. I'd love to hear how things have turned out 🙂

Sending love.

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 14:01:11 GMT

Thank you for your wonderful replies and support. I am honestly really struggling!
I love this man so much but cannot tell him as it is too early and it would only scare him off....

At the same time I cannot handle these games they play, one day he is so full on and open and the next shuts down and is like a complete stranger!

Maybe he is trying to understand his feelings, I don’t know and he will not open up about how he feels so I am left guessing which is so painful.

I cannot go through these mind games after the years of abuse and mind games from my ex husband and this is what is causing my terrible anxiety.

I have to know what he is thinking, so I will wait till tomorrow night and then send a message and just ask:

Do you mind if I ask how you are feeling?

When we were together 2 weeks ago, he was taking photos of me and complimenting me about how beautiful I looked, even asking if I lived alone

I would have thought he would have known I lived alone after chatting for 5 months!

The thing is he will not talk on the phone and will only message me but then he will send photos out of the blue with no messages.

At least I have told him I am attracted to him to give him something to think about.

The love I feel for this man, I cannot bring myself to walk away. That is just more torture for me

I think I just need to get to the point and ask him how he is feeling and why he wanted photos of me and asked if I live alone. At least that will give me a bit more clarity!

Feeling so desperate

WaterFront — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 23:03:58 GMT

Hi Elsam,

I think you should be cautious with this person. From your post, it appears there are a few things that don't quite add up (I might be being cynical- I don't know). There might be perfectly good reasons for some of his behaviours, though he hasn't really explained them to you.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling anxious and struggling with the not knowing how he is thinking or feeling as this can be difficult to deal with. If you do text him and ask, he might not reply and you are likely to feel worse. Some people lack directness in the way they communicate or he might have things going on which make it difficult to reply.

My advice would be to wait for him to text you even though that will be hard for you to do. You have texted him a couple of times so the ball really is in his court at the moment.

I hope it works out for the best for you.

WaterFront

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 02:56:24 GMT

I don’t understand some of his behaviour either. He is in a very busy high profile job but it takes 2 seconds to send a good morning message!

I wish he would just tell me how he is thinking or feeling. The guessing is killing me!
For 5 mths he has made comments and sent photos to let me know he is attracted to me.

He has always been quite straightforward when I do ask a question.

When we met 2 Saturday’s ago, he was great and communicated so well with me in person but he is a totally different person with messaging.

I will wait till tonight or tomorrow night if I can bring myself to wait then just send a message asking: Is

Is everything ok or did I do or say something! I will take the responsibility just to try and get some answers out of him.

Maybe he has gone a bit cold since I said I was so attracted to him but wouldn’t anyone be happy if someone told you they are attracted to you?

I hate this whole dating mind game rubbish! Why can’t men just be honest and straightforward and communicate?

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:32:07 GMT

Hi Elsam,

Why would you take responsibility here? There's no guarantee you will get an answer from this man that you can rely on it seems to me.

Do you want a long term relationship Elsam? What are you looking for, for yourself? Does this man seem to be after a long term relationship, if that is what you would like? Has he explained why he won't talk to you on the telephone and only texts? Has he explained why he meets up with you, has sex with you, and then disappears again?

Yes he has a busy job OK, but do you know where he lives or anything much more about him? How much can you verify about him that he has said?

I'm sorry, but online dating - you have to be careful. Maybe this guy has reasons but I don't like the sound of things. So far two meetups and both times sex. Has he met up with you any other time?

I'm not asking these things to upset you but to make you think about the relationship and what it is you want and need for yourself.

Then maybe either don't text at all (which I prefer), or ask him quite directly, does he want a relationship or is it just about sex? If you say you will not have further sex without some kind of commitment from him, or until you know him better, and he clears off, there's your answer.

Sorry but better to clear things up fast than keep lingering month after month for a guy that may or may not be worth all this anxiety and upset.

Personally, I would get rid of him and find someone more reliable. Honestly, I don't like the sound of things. Why on earth won't he talk to you over the phone sometimes?

I can only go on what you have described, so apologies if I am wrong, but please do think about yourself instead of worrying about him. You have to take care of yourself first here.

I'm just thinking of your safety and personal welfare here.

Feeling so desperate

topsy_ — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 08:14:58 GMT

Hi Elsam

I've been reading along & just thought I would share what I have experienced. I had two “relationships” where the men played mind games. These were painful & destructive for me.

I was then lucky enough to meet a genuine man who would never think of playing mind games. I doubt he would even know how to do that. We have been married now for 23 years.

My advice - save yourself the pain & torment. You’re worth so much more than that. T.

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 08:35:22 GMT

Don't sell yourself short Elsam - you have done nothing wrong. Decide whether his behaviour is good enough for you, and if not, demand better or find someone else. You said you had abuse in your past relationship with your husband? Maybe that has left you with doubts about your self-worth. That has happened to a friend of mine here who was in an abusive marriage to a man who constantly put her down.

You are entitled to be treated with courtesy and respect. Don't ask him have you done something wrong!

I am just concerned he may be seeing another woman/women in the time he is not seeing you - or else simply seeing you when it suits him, which is not caring about you.

Over to you, but do please put yourself first in this relationship and decide what standards you want from a guy!

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 08:37:02 GMT

Topsy, your profile pic is just gorgeous!

And how great you ended up with a great partner! Good for you.

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 09:38:32 GMT

@Hanna3

I only said I would take responsibility to try and get some sort of answer out of him. The years of abuse from a narcissist didn’t help and I was always blamed for everything he did wrong, everything was always my fault!
I sent this man a message at 1.00pm today and just said How are you?
No reply 6 hrs later when I have seen him online all afternoon.

I am feeling so devastated and torn I can’t think of anything else.

Why would he keep in contact for 5 mths to only do this to me when all I have been is nice to him.

I don’t understand why he would send me photos last Sunday and then tell me he was blushing and now not reply to my messages!

I will never trust another man! I have been hurt so much by my husband and now this.

I just hope he replies and has a good reason for being so rude!

Why can’t these men have enough respect to tell you they have lost interest ??

I am giving him until tomorrow night to reply then I am sending a message:

Is everything ok?
You haven’t replied to my messages?

I just feel sick with worry that they can do this and not feel bad for the hurt they cause!

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 10:33:45 GMT

Hi Elsam

That's what I don't like, that he's intimate with you and then so often doesn't reply to your messages or talk to you.

I'd feel devastated if a man did that to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. See what reason he comes up with but if he's online it's not a good look is it?

Try to do something nice for yourself tonight and get your mind off him for a while. Easier said than done I know.

See what response you get. Maybe a good opportunity to think hard about just what you are looking for in a partner.

And don't blame yourself for anything. He doesn't seem to be behaving well does he? You deserve better.

There's quite a lot about this kind of thing happening with internet dating if you google it.

Sorry Elsam that you're going through such an anxious time.

Let us know tomorrow how you are, Ok?

People here will try to be supportive however things turn out.

Take it easy tonight hey? Pamper yourself!

🌷🌄🐦

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 09:36:41 GMT

@Hanna3

Thank you for the lovely message and kind support.
I have had a terrible weekend feeling sick with anxiety!

I spoke with my sister and she suggested sending him a message which I did earlier tonight, just trying to get some answers as I feel in a way he is playing games but at the very beginning of this friendship he said he wasn’t like that.

I have been in two minds all weekend about sending another message so I decided to as i think it is the only way it is going to ease my mind and thoughts.

This man is in his 50’s so I hope to god he is mature enough not to play games and hurt me.

When we were together 2 weeks ago I said to him, I am scared of getting hurt and he said, the only time you will get hurt is if you fall in love....

Anyway my message, which I hope is not too harsh, now I am stressing that I sent it.

Hope you’ve had a nice weekend

I am confused! If you have lost interest would you mind please telling me.

I would love to see you again, we had a nice time together and I would like to get to know you.

He has seen my message but he has not replied as yet, maybe he will sleep on it.

I just wish he would communicate clearly!!

I know he is attracted to me from his comments and my photos.

I just hope to god he will say he has not lost interest

If he doesn’t respond I am going to be a total mess!

i wish now I never sent it, I tried to be so nice they way I worded my message.

My message is not pressuring him is it??

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 10:30:43 GMT

Hi Elsam

I think it's exactly what you needed to say to him.

Not replying to your messages is not being courteous to you.

I'm glad you have your sister to talk with!

Chill out for the evening - even if he sent you a polite reply I'd be cautious with this guy.

You don't want someone who doesn't always treat you well.

Go have a glass of wine and chill for a while! He hasn't been in a rush to reply to you. You don't need to reply to him in a hurry either.

See what happens. I just don't have a good feeling about him.

Relax! Whatever happens, happens. 🙂

Feeling so desperate

WaterFront — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 13:53:01 GMT

Hi Elsam,

Your message was not too harsh so please don't worry about that. You are politely asking for him to let you know where you stand in relation to his intentions and indicating you are still interested.

I'm with Hanna3 on this one. I'm not sure you should be trusting someone who has treated you in this way. You have messaged him a few times and he has clearly not considered your feelings. I would be very cautious. Also, if he has treated you in this way in the beginning of things, what would he treat you like moving forward if his response was positive?

Honestly, he doesn't deserve you in my opinion. If he doesn't respond, he is showing you the type of person he is and you are probably lucky you didn't get any more involved with him. Someone on another BB thread told me that when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

WaterFront

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 20:44:07 GMT

Hi Elsam

Just popping by to check on you here. Yesterday and today are a bit hectic but I'll definitely come by again sometime today.

Great post by Waterfront! What you messaged was perfect and in ignoring you this guy was not being kind to you.

I read a great article ages ago about what sort of partner you should look for after a bad relationship. I've always remembered what the woman writing it said:

A man who is kind, a man who is kind, a man who is KIND!

You're doing great Elsam! I'll check in again later. I know you've been anxious and upset. You have friends here!

Hugs 🙂🥀🌄🌻

Feeling so desperate

Elsam — Sun, 26 Sep 2021 23:51:50 GMT

Thank you lovely friends

I has a terrible night and this morning just feel so distraught and devastated like I can’t move on.

Why do these men think it is ok to do this and just think it is fine!

I have not yet received a response to met message, if he is not going to respond I don’t understand.

Why doesn’t he just block me!

How can he do this after 5 mths, flirting, playing with my emotions, messaging and chatting everyday and night, now nothing!

He can’t even ask if I had a nice weekend

My head is going to explode, I can’t think of anything else

I can’t do this, I feel physically sick!

I need to speak to him.

Feeling so desperate

WaterFront — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 02:29:22 GMT

Hi Elsam,

When I have thoughts running around my head that are making me fixate and unhappy, I try to do something that needs really intense concentration so that my mind is fully occupied and can't wander back to the thoughts that are upsetting me. What this might be is of course different for each person and harder to do than say. I paint, read a really good book or practise meditation techniques. What can you do to take your mind of it? For a little while at least.

I really don't understand how someone can ignore another person in the way that this man is doing to you. I do think he might be playing games. My advice, the next time you want to text him, write it down or journal your thoughts rather than text or come to BB to talk about it on the forums. Sit with it for a while and you might find you actually don't want to send it. Just a thought.

I'm so sorry this situation is making you feel this way. We are here to help and listen.

WaterFront

Feeling so desperate

Hanna3 — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 04:20:39 GMT

Hi Elsam

I'm sorry you're going through so much distress and anxiety. Waterfront makes an excellent suggestion that you post here before texting.

I'm sorry he is not responding to your messages. Personally I don't trust him. He may be feeling you're coming across a bit desperate and running away but he's been inconsistent all along.

I know you say you're in love with him, but how much has he really done for you? How much time have you spent together so you could really get to know each other?

Personally I suspect he's a bit of a player. Sorry but he sure fits the profile. I know he's been charming when he's been with you but he's quite OK with ignoring your messages and leaving you for a long time without phoning you to talk. Texting isn't much of a relationship. You deserve better than that.

There are other kind decent interesting men out there. I wouldn't keep contacting this guy myself. Have you got a friend or friends you could go out with and just enjoy yourself for a while? (I know lockdowns make this difficult).

I just think this guy isn't giving you what you have the right to expect in a relationship. I know his behaviour has hurt you badly and caused you a lot of anxiety.

Can you just spend time caring for yourself and friends/family? I think you were very trusting of this man very early.

Again I am sorry. We're all here to support you. Let us know how you are going. We do care.

Hugs! 🥀🌄🌻