topic Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child in Relationship and family issues

Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

TLL8090 — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 11:16:11 GMT

I've been with my husband for 11 years and had our first child three months ago. He has been very unsupportive since the start of my pregnancy, despite saying how thrilled he is and how much he loves me. He didn't not take up any additional responsibilities, such as buying baby products, saving up money or attentive to my needs. He also missed multiple Ultrasound appointments and picked fights with me throughout my pregnancy even when I'm 37 weeks pregnant.

After our son was born, both my parents and his mother were in our house for a while (my mother is still here to help me with caring for our baby). While my mother does all the cooking, clean, and supporting me with the baby when asked, his mother kept on dragging him away to have random conversations. My husband practically spent 80% of his paternity leave on keeping his mother company.

After his mother finally left, he keeps on bringing up wanting to ask her back to help with our son. But I told him, she practically helps with nothing, while distracting him from his responsibility of being a father, that's why I prefer my mother's help. He keeps on picking fights with me about this, and what's fair. I tried to explain to him, in this situation the new mother is the vulnerable person who needs the support.

I'm not normally a needy or clingy person, but not having his support in the most vulnerable time of my life hurts and I don't believe he loves me or our son. So we're heading to divorce.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same situation or if you're a man, what is your perspective?

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

white knight — Thu, 18 Jun 2026 05:47:01 GMT

Hi, welcome

Our daughter has just had a baby 13 weeks old. The father is hands on and wonderful. I do believe that new parents should have limited time when family members are present, as a family you need to establish a routine with both of you. That means both sets of parents should ring and ask if its ok to visit. These boundaries are yours and your husband should comply perhaps with some flexibility so it seems both of you are making these decisions. After all he is the father and that is a new change for him as well.

You havent mentioned there is anything wrong with you or your baby health wise so I assume the birth went ok. Therefore I also dont see why your mother is present in your house so much. With both mothers out of the house you can both work together with the operation of the duties and I do agree that he should ramp up his responsibilities. Yes he should have attended the ultrasound as that is an important step but not so much buying baby products, most guys arent wired that way. Online purchases would fix that.

Two adults and a baby, both of you dont need that much physical presence. There are amny easy to prepare meals at the supermarket now and you might benefit if you ask him to do one extra task a day- clean floors, cook a meal and so on.

A sit down discussion even in a cafe with bubs in a pram might be needed, but talk calmly and tell him that parents visits need to be limited and they should ring first. Put in place the boundaries and expect him to limit his mum from coming. Save your marriage, introduce regular communication and praise him when he responds..

Reply anytime

TonyWK

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

TLL8090 — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 06:20:24 GMT

Hi TonyWK,

Thanks for responding. When I talk about buying baby products, he wouldn't even financially contribute. I usually make more money than him, but during maternity leave I'm on half pay. He has refused to put more of his income in our joint account and never offer to provide any additional financial support for the baby.

As for why my mother is here, baby and I are physically fine, however due to my husband's lack of support, and his Multiple Sclerosis, he basically have dinner and go to bed at 7pm every night. When I was breastfeeding, which takes 40min each time I woke up, he didn't even at least share nappy changing duty. I told him my mother doesn't have to be here if we can share the duties of taking care baby more, but he makes empty promises with no real actions.

I understand a couple can raise a baby with no outside assistance, however I do prefer that his clothes get hand washed, we have nutritious nicely prepared dinners, a clean presentable house, and having the option to get out of the house by myself occasionally. All these my mother is helping with. I don't mind his mother's presence if she really cares about me and the baby and practically helps either. However, she is an attention seeker who always talks about herself and her unless family dramas. She drags my husband away for hours on the day I got discharged from hospital to do god knows what.

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

therising — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 08:20:36 GMT

Hi TLL8090

Kids, especially a newborn, will definitely test a marriage. I'm going back a number of years, as my babies are now 20 and 23, but I can still recall a lot of the tests.

A newborn can test

How well you can mentally and physically function when sleep deprived
Your sense of self (aka the 'I am' factor). 'I am a good mum/dad who's struggling' vs a false sense of self, 'I am a terrible or hopeless mum/dad who should be doing better than this'
How well you're able to adapt as a couple
Your levels of patience, tolerance, open mindedness, compassion etc towards each other and your sense of feeling towards each other. Example, 'I can feel my wife's frustration', 'I can feel my husband's lack of confidence when it comes to holding or bathing the baby'

and the list goes on and on.

My MIL, a beautiful woman, stayed with us for a couple of weeks with our first child. This was based on my husband's family living interstate. I found the most frustrating part involved him being more his mother's son and less of my partner and our daughter's father. He enjoyed the easier role, which led to a lot of resentment. I relied on my mum to help me to a large degree. In hindsight, it's not that my MIL didn't help a lot, she more so didn't want to overstep by butting in. She waited to be asked. My mum, on the other hand, knew me well and knew what I needed. This is another one of those tests, how people work from a group dynamic perspective. If it takes a village to raise a child, do the villagers fully understand their roles? Have the roles been clearly delegated or volunteered for?

I found myself becoming a bit of a dictator with our first baby. I became a dictator out of desperation, as I suffered from post natal depression. 'You need to hold the baby more!' was one thing. My husband wasn't confident, yet I was so desperate for breaks from being the primary carer to the point where I gave him no choice. 'If I have no choice, then it's only fair that you have no choice at times too' became a thing I'd often say. He developed the ability to care more for our kids out of having no choice.

Given your husband's MS, I can't help but wonder whether he's adopted a 'no stress' or 'minimal stress' attitude and set of habits out of the need to manage not triggering MS episodes. Given that stressful challenges can be the very things that lead us to mentally and emotionally develop in life, could there be some mental and emotional underdevelopment involved? Could it be a matter of 'It's time to develop through these challenges while managing no MS flare ups'? Some zen-like house work could be the way to go. Meditating while vacuuming, humming or singing while washing the dishes etc etc. I agree with Tony, when it comes to not having anyone there to do a lot of the work. This creates a need to manage the work as a couple.

Btw, a sense of wonder goes a long way at times. Wondering out loud at someone can be productive. Instead of accusing a partner of not being of any great help, it may pay to approach it from the angle of 'I can't help but wonder why you can't or don't feel the need to help more with our baby. Why can't you feel it? Can you genuinely not feel it or are you more so interested in not feeling it?'.

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

white knight — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 04:20:01 GMT

The rising and TLL,

The rising- lots of likely possibles there.

As a male that grew up like many in the 60's to the 80's I was immature for my age. This was a barrier I didnt recognise regardless of being told many times because- what cant you do? there are no maturity medications available. By 50yo I'd grown up for my age, my mature was of a 50yo man. At 17yo I joined the AirForce with a maturity of 13yo, imagine the problems.

Also, my daughter was diagnosed with MS last year. I'd always taught her motivation and a never give up attitude, thankfully she has it with her new diagnosis. So imo all these things with hubby I can find a reason for except two things- splitting finances and attitude.

The ideal attitude with a baby is teamwork, it wont work well without it. My 1st wife was extremely lazy and her Dr confirmed it. My needs with two kids under 4yo, working shift work plus two part time jobs (so my wife could stay home and raise our kids the old fashioned way) werent being met. I washed more than her, cooked, cleaned and nappies? I became a factory assembly line. It wasnt fair but I later on realised that she had a nature that wasnt ideal for marriage let alone having children as her nature could not extend to unity and teamwork. By the time the kids were 7 and 4yo I was completely burnt out, a suicide attempt and forced separation.

So what do I have in my thoughts in your situation as the best way to approach this? It's like a half a bad apple, cut off the bad and eat the rest. Eg ignore or tolerate the negative side to you husband and try to get the best out of him.

subtly give him tasks to do "while you're up darling can you bring in the washing from the line and I know you dont like folding but just fold the shirts so they dont crinkle, the nappies wont matter". And of course once he's done thank him a lot! "I really love you more when you do little things for me when I ask"
MIL. She doesnt think she's doing anything wrong. Perhaps you could ask her to do some shopping for you. Maybe she can team up with your mum for that. Encourage them to have lunch or coffee out"
Finances. He wont buckle easily, this is where a counsellor could work wonders because they are essentially logical people with answers to issues that are left of normal. My daughter and SIL had separate finances until she got pregnant. Then all in. Joint everything.

I think you can overcome this with tact. Tact is an artform. I learned it as a prison officer where it was essential for our safety. Becoming desperate (like The rising) leads to a version of begging, raised voices etc all for what you have right to eg equal care of the child, even regular breaks. If you give him the baby and tell him you are going for a walk- he is forced to care for that baby. Go, smell the roses and make it 90 minutes not 10.

"Everyone agrees there's more than one way to skin a cat.... except the cat" (TonyWK)

TonyWK

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

TLL8090 — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 05:32:49 GMT

Hi the rising,

Thanks for sharing. I can appreciate my husband's struggles with MS, which is why I kinda accepted that he won't do those nightshifts with me. This is why I invited my mother over to help at least at the start. The part of choosing to be his mother's son, rather than being a good husband and father is most irritating. Like I said, he spend 80% of his paternity leave with his mother, chatting, laughing away, leaving the TV on really loud while baby is asleep. If he told me he couldn't help more with the baby because of his MS and he just needed to rest, it would have been OK too.

I just find him and his family quite fake, to be honest, he'll say I love you and love the baby, but during my whole pregnancy he never bought anything for our baby or at least do some research on parenting. His mother despite having 7 kids of her own, said she doesn't know what to get for the baby, lol.

My family concern about our well being and always provide practical assistance. As I was working till 37wks as an engineering manager, my mum basically shopped the whole nursery for me. The more comparison I make the more I don't understand how they can see someone they "love" struggle, but don't do anything to help. I am hot tempered that's for sure. So I won't waste my time begging for anyone's contribution to their own son and grandson. Also, my MIL always had an ulterior motive to come live with us long term as she never wanted to move out of Canberra but had to do that because of FIL.

At the end of the day, if we still love each other, I'm sure we can work it out as a family. But as I am financially independent and 10 years younger than him, I won't stay in a marriage without love just for the sake of it.

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

therising — Sat, 20 Jun 2026 14:59:15 GMT

Hi TLL8090

I'm wondering whether you've asked him why he won't help out more or why he won't financially contribute more. Sometimes there can be clues within what people are actually fighting about. For example, if the fights from your side are about fighting for more help or fighting for him to become more conscious, what are they about from his side? I've found people are typically fighting for something.

Re: Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

white knight — Tue, 23 Jun 2026 00:35:07 GMT

Hi TLL

Wondering how you are going R U OK?

TonyWK