topic Re: 50 marriage gone stale in Relationship and family issues

50 marriage gone stale

FamilyMan — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 03:54:35 GMT

Im a 70 year old male. My partner tells me I stopped her having a career as I asked her to be a stay at home mum till the 3 kids had started and settled in at school. 40 odd years ago there was not the society support there is now, which our kids are benifitting from which is great.

Our relationship has deteriorated to the point where I feel like she is now gaslighting me. Things like "I told you that" all the time, when Im 99.9% sure she hasnt 40% of the time. Ive lost a lot of confidence and not happy in our relationship. I was always saying im sorry for an argument we had which she dosnt. Ive stopped this now because it always felt like i was at fault. Not sure why im posting this but any comments would be appreciated.

Cheers

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

white knight — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 04:44:21 GMT

Hi, welcome

I'm your age, one of the issues we have at long term relationships is spouses can know us so well they can predict our reactions, what we are going to say and so on, after a lifetime of that, knowing us so well, it can sometimes flow into a hollow of disrespect. It isnt a good place to be because respect rarely returns and the best place to get that back or find out if there is any posibility of that is counselling. If she isnt willing to go, go on your own but if she asks you what happened at a session refuse to divulge- she can go to the next session. Reason is that you arent a counsellor and she needs to get that from the chosen professional. She could also belittle you for going.

So I've had 4 long term relationships and this, my 2nd marriage is great and has lasted 15 years. I can honestly say that each of the other 3 times I had left them for various reasons. The immediate relief was amazing, no more drama, no criticism. Can I suggest, some time apart but not put to her like that. My wife and I recognised that need a while back and I have a trike motorcycle with tent set up that I plan to ride on weekends to hotrod shows etc, spend 2 nights away. She will do activities with her ladies group and we are both happy about that. I modified a small trailer with fold out swag on top so I'm not on the ground. Just a thought.

Rekindling a long relationship in a romantic sense- isnt impossible. If you can think of her as having some emotional or depressive difficulties, that she needs some help, that would not only present the possibility of it working out but also give you the opportunity to express your empathy. Pro active actions like the old flowers and chocolate is underestimated. Think left field a dress online order? Although its best to have no expectations it would be an opportunity once you've done that to receive a "can I do anything for you"? response. Thats when you tell her of one or two things that would be helpful eg "yes, you could try to accept that my memory isnt so good, when you say "I told you that" you are assuming my memory is as good as yours and it simply isnt. We need to get back to helping each other, thinking of each other. and giving the benefit of the doubt because I'm not intending to hurt you"

Gaslighting is a common weapon as is emotional blackmail and so on. But the important things here is if it is intended or she's fallen into that habit unknowingly. Evil or frustrated? For that reason benefit of the doubt is a safe position to take.

The following posts might help. Reply anytime.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt/td-p/254054

"The young lady we married in still inside that heavily guarded fortress... better to arrive by donkey with flowers than use arrows on brick..." (TonyWK)

TonyWK

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

FamilyMan — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 06:29:36 GMT

Hi Tony

Thanks for your insight, I am a cranky lion. I have talked to professionals on my own a fair while ago and will again thanks. My partner wont come. I also have a Suzuki Bandit but ride it much less now days. I dont think shes evil, definately frustrated with me, we are poles apart in nature. I feel I am passive aggresive and my partner tends to let it all out.

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

Emptyhands — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 12:34:19 GMT

Im sorry im responding to this on a different problem but as i read your response, i wish my partner would take your advice about the chocolates and flowers. 20 years of marriage and im wondering if he even loves me at all? Still?

He blames me for his inaction: that I criticize whatever he tries to do for me is wrong...wrong gifts, wrong ideas...so he just stops. But I've told him im a pretty open book, and I say out loud all the time what I like, what im into if he'd only care to listen or observe. To me, by what he does he he doesn't care.

We are at a stalemate now. I have given up and want to separate. He said "I'll think about it" I wanted him to have a stronger reaction like, no I want to work through this, I love you etc. But he gave me none of that. I moved into a separate bedroom. I said stop talking to me. He is doing everything I say. I left home for 2 nights, and no one in my family asked if I was ok.

It is killing me inside. What a guy I married.

Now my 2 children are older and dont need me. I feel my life has no more purpose. I literally have no friends or family.

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

white knight — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 14:09:10 GMT

hi EH, welcome

We do have this often and I t has a lot to do with lack of a passion

But a passion is developed during childhood so you're left with less obsessional hobbies and interests.

Also sounds life you need a good group of new friends.

TonyWK

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

FamilyMan — Wed, 17 Jun 2026 07:03:55 GMT

Hi Emptyhands

Sounds like Im a bit like your partner:-( I presented flowers to my partner who said dosnt like cut flowers should stay in the ground but does accept big bunches from friends. Its very confusing apparently im too sensative. I feel she wants from me more than I can give only because I cant work out what that is. With my partner its a moving feast changes day to day. Sorry about the download on you. Better the devil you know than the one you dont. My experiance so far is people closest to you see all of your sides.:-)

Re: 50 marriage gone stale

white knight — Thu, 18 Jun 2026 05:19:39 GMT

I've dealt with this sensitivity issue since I was a toddler. That a long time. I've had decades of people telling me to "harden up". I was once a prison officer at Pentridge gaol arguably the toughest jail in Australia and survived 3 years but I was too empathetic. Then a few years ago I started researching sensitivity.

Up to 20% of all humans are HSP- Highly Sensitive People. Sensitivity is related loosely to empathy and kindness. Is it any wonder I began to embrace it? In fact I write a lot of poetry (they are in our poetry corner via search) for victims of crime and my local community to touch the softer side of people. So since I've embraced it, that has helped a lot but it hasnt helped with the onslaught of so called hardened people that view empathy and sensitivity as a trait that they can bully. So plan B went into action.

Newtons law- every object stationary has a force and an equal opposite force. So although it isnt in my (nor yours) nature to counter aggression it must be put into action for a few reasons.

Harder people see us as a soft touch, that view must change
We get hurt too often to feel we are leading a happy life
When counter action is used it comes with some guilt but that guilt is far less stressful than being hurt by aggression.
Channelling empathy is a proactive way of using it to help others, one of my lifes satisfactions. eg here as a community champion. Other places are mens sheds, group therapy and so forth.

Here are some posts on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/dominating-relationships/td-p/571918

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-frog-and-the-scorpion-our-nature/td-p/30214

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

You only need to read the first page of each.

The last one would be especially helpful imo. Using wit means you can use short statements. eg she said "well, why are so sensitive then"? You reply "umm, its in my nature, like how you yell at me". This brief answer is designed to avoid arguments plus make it hit home that she has her negatives as well. Another - "Why are you going to counselling"? You- "I enjoy it, its very interesting". This short circuits her way of thinking because you arent telling her to go with you, you arent conveying to her that you think she is at fault... but you could be interpreted as needing to learn about relationships. The feeling she gets is on her.

But above all else you should hold close you any basic rights as an individual. Married people are two individuals that live together, they are not one brain making all the decisions. Rights can include- having interests without her, not taking criticism when not warranted, receiving criticism in a nice friendly manner and so on. One partner I had pushed my buttons in telling me what to wear. I knew I had to push back as I felt mothered having had a dominating mother. It took a few years but I got there. She still wasnt happy but thats when my rights came into play- any dissatisfaction was hers to deal with. This separation of emotion is important or you'll be carrying emotions for both of you while she's happy to be the boss. Thoughts?

TonyWK