topic Re: Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice) in Relationship and family issues

Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice)

Tigerland190922 — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 07:39:18 GMT

This is the first time I have posted in 8 years and I'm in a much better place than I was back then through lots of hard work and life changes such as surrounding yourself with the right people no matter how small that circle is and yes it generally gets smaller as we get older. I feel like posting again and getting a few thoughts off my chest. To anyone reading this to you can overcome anything with the righty support around you, doing positive things and trying to be a good person.

I just found out a few weeks ago my father had passed away. we hadn't spoken in about 15 years anyway so he wasn't a part of my life anyway. when I got told I was shocked but felt no emotion whatsoever. Does that make me a bad person or cold hearted? I don't have hate for any of my family except my sister she is the only one I speak to and love out of everyone and I'm a 41 year old man now with my own life.

I'm not looking for sympathy as we all have our own stories and experiences but since I left home when I was 16 I have struggled immensely mentally. More so it really started to hit me when I was 23 as the seeds of depression and anxiety had been planted when I was young and what myself and other 2 siblings experienced growing up.

I guess through my experiences it has made me cold hearted in regards to if someone is negative or toxic family or not they will not be in my life. I will not continue to be hurt physically or mentally by anyone especially as I have my own life now. The only question I have really is I don't understand how someone can have 3 kids out there and even as they face death feel no remorse or empathy or want to make direct contact on the way out. My phone number hadn't changed from when he told me 15 years ago I'm busy call you next week same old spiel from the man who helped bring me into this world. Just showed me he was a coward whilst living and before exiting this world. He was married to a controlling and evil scientologist who may or may not have told him to forget his 3 kids existed. You know there is a problem if all 3 kids move out before they are 16 the home obviously isn't a happy place.

This grinds my gears more so because my partner and I now who is the best thing that's ever happened to me are trying to have just one child through ivf as we both have our own health issues and we have failed 3 times already. we would be amazing parents and would love that child through any circumstance which is what or my siblings never received. That frustrates me if I'm being honest and all I want to know is why you never wanted to know about your 3 kids? Cowardly act from the ultimate coward even at the end.

I am very empathetic I actually cry in movies that have family situations or close loving relationships or just emotional moments just ask my partner every time I'm gone haha the waterworks are on. But with people who I feel nothing for I or who have hurt me i can go the opposite so I hope that is a normal feeling. Sometimes I feel darker thoughts towards people who have harmed me but I am much better at controlling those these days through the immense counselling and medication and support from my now partner.

i guess our experiences as children make us into who we are as adults good and bad and i still hear the voices in my head and picture things that happened like it was yesterday but you get better at controlling and accepting them in time. I hope all the parents reading this understand what you do today will impact on your kids for the rest of their lives so be careful what you say and do and how you act because time doesn't erase just allows people to potentially control better.

Re: Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice)

Croix — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 15:20:04 GMT

Dear Dan~

I'd like to welcome you back, it is good to hear from you again and from your words I agree you seem much happier.

There is no way you are a cold person. You love your partner, you love your sister and you understand the love needed for children. While society tends to expect one to feel grief at the passing of a parent this is simply silly. It all depends on the behaviour of that person. In your case to be forced into a set of beliefs and actions that were cruel and unrealistic and then simply abandon contact through not caring is enough quite frankly to make many give a sigh of relief, so feeling nothing is quite natural, and shows your father had lost the ability to touch you.

As you point out parents have a very special place in children's hearts, and by nurturing that with love, attention and care can help it grow to a life long relationship. Sadly doing the opposite, seeing a child as something to be manipulated, not loved and not part of life does the opposite, it shrivels that place to - as in your case and mine -nothing.

I am very glad to know you found someone to share your life and you have my sympathy that you have to go down the IVF path. My own family has a member who ended up with a child after many IVF attempts, a joy. However the actual process was hard, with so many emotional swings up and down as well as the physical procedures.

I wish you both every success

Croix

Re: Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice)

Tigerland190922 — Thu, 11 Jun 2026 22:30:11 GMT

Hey Croix,

Thanks for the kindhearted reply it definitely means a lot.

That's great inspiration to hear someone has had success with ivf definitely inspires me to keep trying although now we will try in Vietnam instead of here hopefully that brings a greater chance of success. Your not wrong about the emotional journey especially when you are told your pregnant then lose it. Its extremely hard more so for the female and on her body.

Thankyou for reassuring me that I'm not a cold person and pointing out something that can sometimes be overlooked when you self analyze yourself and your life. People well parents honestly sometimes don't realize how they are with their children and how it will impact them when they grow into adults and see themselves potentially for the rest of their lives. Yeah it's how people expect us to react but in reality every person and every situation is different so you can only play the hand you are dealt.

Hope you have a fantastic weekend

Thanks again

Dan

Re: Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice)

therising — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 08:43:43 GMT

Hi Tigerland190922

In the process of having evolved so much over time and having come so far, I imagine you've discovered how amazing you are in a number of ways. If you've amazed yourself at times while having gained a greater sense of self understanding and having also developed skills, you're technically amazing. We don't need anyone else to tell us how amazing we are😊

While I don't believe there's anything wrong with feeling a sense of coldness towards someone, perhaps what's wrong involves not wondering or questioning why we do. You ask a fair question. This is something I personally wondered about some years back myself. I wanted to stop thinking 'What's wrong with me?' and wanted to started understanding why I feel a strong connection to some yet not others. This is when I came to realise and define what love means to me, personally. For me, love is found in evolution. Btw, as far as 'love language' goes, I'm an 'Acts of service' gal. I will feel love through how someone leads me to evolve beyond my suffering, how they lead me to evolve through greater self understanding, through emotional support, through leading me to laughter, through leading me to come to life in many ways and so much more. This is also how I love others. I will not feel it through talk of love alone, through someone saying 'I love you' 20 times a day, yet leaving me alone to suffer through self questioning, sadness and desperation. I won't feel it through hugs alone, through people hugging me and telling me 'Things will be okay', while not serving me with a plan to make them okay. At the end of the day, while I am not feeling a person loving me through acts of service, often it's because I'm feeling their lack of service or self service. If I can't feel the warmth of their service, I feel a lack of warmth or you could say a coldness or emptiness to my connection with them. If love's a 2 way channel, I'll feel what does or doesn't run through that channel. It's not our fault we can feel that. The ability to feel it defines us as 'a feeler'.

As you and your partner lead each other to evolve through many of the challenges that come with IVF, my wish for the both of you is that you are rewarded with a little person or little people who you can share even more love with.❤️

Re: Father dies and feeling nothing (cold as ice)

Croix — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 13:12:26 GMT

Dear Dan~

In some ways we are very similar, I too cry, often at the movies, even though the link between the film and the experiences of the past don't seem clear until afterwards. My partner isf very understanding and simply leads me unobtrusively out.

Later I can probably explain, and in any case the hugely strong emotions at that time, anger, fear, self-blame and so on are so much less and manageable

The only way I seem to differ is you have the composure and wisdom to the be able to say

"Sometimes I feel darker thoughts towards people who have harmed me but I am much better at controlling those these days"

I'm afraid I've not reached that enlightened frame of mind with some, mainly from my ex-career- who I still feel if they suffered ill-fate it would be richly deserved.

I do hope the IVF in Vietnam is professional and successful and if it is I'd be most surprised if you did not feel all the expense, emotional and physical pain was worth it, my family members did

Your child will be fortunate to have parents like you.

If you would like to come back and give an update that would be great.

Croix