topic Feeling like the unpaid live-in manager and therapist for my housemate in Relationship and family issues

Feeling like the unpaid live-in manager and therapist for my housemate

boopeedoo — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 00:59:41 GMT

I’m carrying the mental load of maintaining our household and I’m becoming increasingly resentful.

My housemate and I have lived together for 7 years. Over time I’ve realised I’m usually the one who notices, tracks, organises and maintains things.

Examples:

I track when our kitchen tap and shower filters need changing and I change them.
I run the drum clean for the washing machine every 2-3 weeks. I’ve been the only one doing it since we bought the machine 2 years ago. A light flashes when it's needed and I even put a note on the machine saying “Drum clean needed when light on.” Nothing changed.
I was usually the one putting the bins out, so one week I stopped. That was the week they didn’t go out.

I recently raised this with her. She apologised and said she’d keep on top of it, but then the drum clean light was flashing while she was doing laundry and she still didn’t run it. The next day I had to run it before I could wash my clothes.

It’s not just chores, I’ve also become the default manager. I organised utilities/internet when we moved. I calculate bills and what we each owe every month. I’m usually the one navigating when we go places. When household problems come up, I’m the one who notices and deals with them.

On top of everything, she vents constantly about work, coworkers and whatever has annoyed her that day. This has become exhausting. When I sit in the shared living area hoping to watch a movie or have a relaxed evening, it often turns into her venting for ages.

I’m under a lot of stress myself, but talking to her rarely makes me feel supported. It feels like I’m being used as a therapist and a house manager.

I’ve started avoiding shared spaces because I feel so drained and resentful. I think we'd probably get along better if we didn’t live together. I actually looked into moving on my own last year, but my financial position doesn't allow it.

I feel very stuck. I'd love to move into my own place, but that isn't a possibility right now. I've tried stepping back from some things, hoping she would take more initiative, but that hasn't happened. I don't think she's malicious, but I do feel like I've spent years compensating for things she doesn't notice or think about.

The result is that I'm now carrying A LOT of resentment. I feel drained, trapped, and irritated by everything she does. All I can think of when she's here is that I wish she'd just LEAVE.

Re: Feeling like the unpaid live-in manager and therapist for my housemate

SucculentQueen — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 03:35:03 GMT

What are the chores that she does do? Does she keep the bathroom clean? Vacuum? Dishes? Help maintain garden? Chip in for shared household appliances and furniture? Respect shared areas? Respect your privacy? Pay bills and rent on time?

I guess its so hard to find someone platonic that you can share with for 7 years that I'm trying to find some good here. She sounds exhausted by work but we all are so completely get where you're coming from there particularly if your support isn't reciprocated.

To try and give you a reprieve, give house sitting a go. I have done this myself to take a break from sharing. Like you I just dont want to do it anymore but theres no choice in this market.

Sign up to Happy House sitters and Aussie House sitters. Jobs come up all the time and go for days, weeks or months so you're bound to find something that works for you. There is a fee if you want to apply but you can look at jobs for free to get an idea of what people want. There are houses by the beach, inner cit, regional etc, but you'd have to be a responsible animal lover as there's generally a dog or cat to take care of rather than you solely being eyes on the house. Try it, it was as good as a holiday for me. Maybe she'll reset while you're away because she'll have to everything. Or, maybe the headspace will allow you come up with a better plan for yourself.

Hope thats a little helpful. Sharing is hard, let us know how you go.

Re: Feeling like the unpaid live-in manager and therapist for my housemate

boopeedoo — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 05:30:45 GMT

One thing that's worked okay is cleaning. Early on we agreed to alternate weekly house cleaning, and she's generally stuck to that.

What exhausts me is feeling like I have to notice, track and think ahead for both of us. When something breaks or goes wrong, I’m also the problem solver while she leans into helplessness. One of her favourite lines is, “no one told me how to do that.” I’ve had to be self-sufficient since I was a teenager, so watching another adult sit back and wait to be told is infuriating. I’m exhausted from work too, and from the unpaid after-hours job of being her mummy.

There have also been smaller things over the years, like having to ask her to leave me space in the fridge or not take over shared areas with her belongings.

So it’s not one or two random chores. It’s having to keep advocating for basic shared responsibility and my fair share of the space.

The house sitting suggestion is a good one. I’d forgotten I signed up to one of those sites, so I might look into that again.