topic Re: Leave or stay in Relationship and family issues

Leave or stay

Guest_33788042 — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 22:44:24 GMT

Any advice, please. He holidays with his mates, overseas and here in Australia, they go motorcycling together. He goes out to lunch with them, he drinks with them, yes we talk and have an afternoon drink. I think he has never initiated a holiday, rarely takes me out, is not remotely interested in doing anything I'm interested in, if I suggest going to something He will often reply, go on off you go then. No kids, married 45 years, he raced motorbikes, if his mates were involved I was excluded. He would give my sailing position away on our yacht, like I didn't matter, and now has a skiff style boat too small for me. I have craft, tennis, a vegetable garden, love bush walks and being outdoors, he's not remotely interested in any of these and whatever I suggest he shows no enthusiasm. I don't think that I can handle any more rejection.

Re: Leave or stay

white knight — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 04:52:03 GMT

Hi, welcome

It does seem like rejection to me and taken for granted.

When I was in the Defence Service many years ago, I was single and many of my mates were married but you wouldnt know it. Drinking sessions and trips away. I couldnt understand it.

Some times we marry and we dont realise we dont have a sufficient level of compatibility, things of interest. I see successful couple both play tennis or golf or camping but above all else they are each others best friend and this is missing in your life.

How can you remedy this- you cant. If it came to a head he might change for a short time only and at the events he takes you along he will still socialise with his mates more, in effect he is extending his childhood... maybe forever.

It's all in his nature. Please read the first post here

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-frog-and-the-scorpion-our-nature/td-p/30214

Do you think you can race motorbikes? I think you'd say "no". But thats because it isn't in you DNA, your nature. Therefore you are not a great match. Some ladies can go through life as you are and it wont bother them, they develop a social circle or sports and hobbies that they feel relieved when their husband takes off for the weekend. But, you are not like that and you have every reason to feel abandoned and an "accessory".

I cant say to leave or not but I can claim to understand.

On the flip side to be fair to your partner this is from his perspective.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/boys-and-their-toys-a-woman-annoyed/td-p/35306

I'll leave you with a quote of mine

"At the end of our lives it would be satisfying if we recall how we dedicated our life to our partner... it would allow us to rest in more peace knowing they did the same..." (TonyWK)

TonyWK

Re: Leave or stay

therising — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 10:48:09 GMT

An incredibly warm welcome to you at such a challenging time in your life and marriage🤗.

I can relate to what Tony mentions, about it being in our nature to like certain things and not be interested in the same things as others. When I consider myself and my husband of 23 years, we're extremely different when it comes to our nature and our interests. At the end of the day, I think it's really about whether someone wants to develop or continue developing a relationship with us or if we're really just a convenience to them in some ways.

I did a major reassessment of my marriage a few years back and hit on a massive revelation that changed the whole dynamics of the relationship. The revelation...drum roll😁...a lot of it's about the appointments or the appointed roles we give and accept in a relationship. We can feel the dis-appointments from those roles in such a soulful or heartfelt way (aka 'soul destroying and heartbreaking').

I appoint you, my partner, the role of 'He/she who adventures or adds ventures to life with me'. When they dis-appoint themself from that role, by adventuring with others or by simply wanting to repeat the same old ventures, we can feel the disappointment (of that role)
I appoint you, my partner, the role of 'He/she who helps me through deep emotional challenges, in the ways that make a difference to me'. When they dis-appoint themself from that role by not listening, not feeling for us in the ways we need them to or by walking away for whatever reason, we feel the disappointment (of that role)

and the list goes on.

I can recall saying to my husband 'I'm going to give you a small handful of key roles in this relationship and if you can't fill them or you refuse to fill them, I'm done'. Sounds harsh, I know, but for years I'd felt and accepted so much disappointment from roles I wish he'd accepted and filled. He's always filled the roles of faithful partner, primary income earner and things along those lines (which I deeply respect him for and appreciate) but I think it's the really soulful stuff we can crave at times that makes a huge difference beyond that. They're the kinds of things that we can feel bringing us to life. It can get to a point in a relationship where you seriously begin to question 'Where are those things?'. Sometimes it can legitimately become depressing too. When you finally wake up to 'I feel so dead inside in this relationship because nothing in it is truly bringing me to life', it suddenly all starts to make sense. And when you realise how many times you've disappointed yourself from certain roles ('She who adventures with her partner', 'She who shares emotional challenges with her partner', 'She who has exciting goals to reach with her parnter' etc), there can be the realisation that you let parts of you go, bit by bit. I think it's the 'waking up' or revelations that can bring us back to life, with a bit of a fire inside at the same time. Sometimes the challenge can involve independently re-membering ourself (put ourself back together bit by bit). Through our partner leaving us alone, they've indirectly forced us to become more independent.

I know why my husband disappoints himself from certain roles in our marriage. He loves his comfort zone and doesn't like to feel discomfort or challenge outside of work. It serves him to feel his comfort zone. If you were to consider why your husband won't fill certain roles, what do you think it comes down to? Of course, there can be more than one factor involved but I think in a lot of relationships there tends to be a key factor.

Re: Leave or stay

boopeedoo — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 01:24:26 GMT

It sounds like this relationship has left you feeling really isolated.

I’ve been in relationships where the other person felt distant or not as invested, and I put in more effort because I wanted it to work. Later I realised I didn’t even really like being around them because they just made me feel bad. Do you think that might be happening here?

Also, you sound really cool. I'd love to have a friend or partner to play tennis, start a veggie garden, go on bush walks and do crafts! Do you have other people to share those things with? Maybe joining some groups or classes could help you meet people who enjoy the same things you do?