topic Re: Husband does not understand in Relationship and family issues

Husband does not understand

BethD — Fri, 29 May 2026 08:07:17 GMT

Hi, just wanted to know if others have experienced their partner not understanding depression and ssying hurtful things like no pills no therapy no psychiatrist can fix it but you, stop it, not going through this again, I’ve had enough meaning him, you’ve got nothing to be depressed about plus putting me down with you’re the most negative person I know etc. and how you’ve dealt with it. It’s breaking my heart as I love him so much but saying things like what do you expect people to do. Feel sorry for you give you sympathy etc. just wanted to put it out there and hoping I’m not on my own.

Re: Husband does not understand

GMC7 — Fri, 29 May 2026 08:59:03 GMT

You are not alone. People don’t understand depression. I do get hurtful things said to me by my partner too. I am on medication but doesn’t help that much.

Re: Husband does not understand

therising — Fri, 29 May 2026 10:12:47 GMT

Hi BethD.

Having dealt with the ins and outs of depressions since my late teens (I'm a 55yo gal now), I've heard plenty of non raising comments and pieces of 'advice'. Anything that's going to basically leave us vibing at the same depressing level or anything that's going to bring us down further, technically doesn't raise us in any way. Took me decades to reach this conclusion, as opposed to always thinking 'What's wrong with me?'.

In a way, you could say 'There's nothing wrong with me if I have the ability to feel something depressing going on'. What's wrong involves not being able to identify exactly what it is that's depressing. You could ask 'Does it involve physical/chemical factors, mental factors or some other factors or a whole combo of things?'. Next lot of questions can involve 'Who the heck do I actually need to see, to help me identify what's depressing? Do I need to see a GP, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a chemist (to right my chemistry), a guidance counselor, a life coach, someone who's just basically good for the soul or someone else?'. Another lot of questions, when on the hunt for clues as to what's depressing, 'Could it involve some of my ingrained belief systems that I was raised with, my environment, some of the people around me or something else? Could I be feeling some of the depressing side effects of ADHD or sleep apnea or a serious undiagnosed vitamin or mineral deficiency? '. And on and on it goes, this quest with so many questions aimed at figuring out exactly what's depressing. One of the most significant questions is 'Who's helping me figure it out?'. If the answer is 'It's definitely not my partner', the goal then becomes about developing a list of 'go to' people who we can go to to help us and (most importantly) developing a list of people to definitely not go to because they are depressing.

One of my most liberating revelations, 'Never go to depressing people if you want to be raised out of a depression. They can be seriously depressing at times and incredibly unhelpful, that's for sure'. Btw, anyone who says 'You've got nothing to be depressed about' is 100% flat out wrong. If there was nothing to be depressed about we wouldn't be feeling the depression we're in. Again, the question comes down to 'Why are we in it?'.

Re: Husband does not understand

Illbeok — Fri, 29 May 2026 13:00:26 GMT

It is truly remarkable how you separate his words from who he is and his character. Your statement, “I love him so much” shows a level of benevolence in you and I deeply admire your love towards him despite what he says to you. While the world would be a better place if everyone shared your compassion, the reality is that many people struggle to say the "right" thing when they themselves are dealing with their own issues. For most of us, it is very hard to handle harsh criticism. In close relationships, boundaries often blur, making it easy to slip into unsolicited advice or "tough love." He may be feeling a deep sense of powerlessness—watching someone he cares about suffer and being unable to "fix" it like a broken appliance. Often, that frustration manifests as aggression.

Does he know how deeply these comments affect you?

Since you are hurting right now, it might be helpful to prioritize your own emotional safety without waiting for him to change. My therapist always says: “Let go of what you cannot control and redirect that energy toward what you can.”

These are the steps I was told I could take as a healing practice;

Feel the sting.
Breathe and do not answer yet.
Name the emotion: “hurt,” “anger,” or “shame.”
Separate the words from your self-worth.
Respond only if needed, and only to what is useful.
Healing: once you name the painful emotions, you embrace the pain and take good care of the feelings with the practice of compassion and loving kindness, like a mother coming to hold her crying baby. Telling our painful emotions, "Darling I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you."

If you are interested in exploring this further, I highly recommend searching for “Practicing with Unpleasant Emotions” by Thich Nhat Hanh. He teaches that even insults can be transformed into opportunities to cultivate compassion and heal a relationship.
I hope you and your partner can overcome this challenge together soon.

Re: Husband does not understand

BethD — Sat, 30 May 2026 03:23:57 GMT

Likewise I am on medication but can't handle the hurtful comments. How do you cope?

Re: Husband does not understand

GMC7 — Sun, 31 May 2026 04:16:23 GMT

He hasn’t been too harsh lately, but that can change anytime. It is hard for him to cope too, but this depression makes me numb and less caring.