topic Re: Need Advice in Relationship and family issues

Need Advice

Bunny82 — Thu, 28 May 2026 13:17:26 GMT

I'm 43, my mother is 64 who was involved in a serious car accident 23 years ago. She was seriously injured and was in rehabilitation for 3 months. Fast forward to now, over the years her mental health and capacity has been declining, she blames me for everything, critiques me for everything and anything, it's never her fault. I have no privacy, as I live with her and I'm her carer. She treats me like I'm her live in maid despite me working full time. She is capable to doing little things like doing her dishes, taking out rubbish, cleaning a little but leaves dishes in the sink to the point of piling up, she won't wipe down benches if she spills something or makes a mess, if she has to clean something she throws a tantrum. She leaves rubbish around or at the front door but never takes it to the outside bin. She literally does not do anything anymore except feeds the cats, goes to bed and smokes but calls me useless and lazy or gives me excuses and gets abusive and threatening when challenged. Shes never been this bad but I've seen the change over the years and it's getting much worse. I get blamed for the house looking like a pigsty and blames me for her being too embarrassed to have people over. When I confronted her one day, I cleaned the dishes, she came down, left dishes in the sink and walked away, I asked her why do you leave dishes in the sink and not wash them when she has seen I've just cleaned them all, her reply, so what. She never asks me how my day is, never asks how I am, never is compassionate when I'm sick and always makes it about her. If I get ready to go meet up with a friend for a coffee, she starts an argument that I'm too lazy to clean the house but that I go out with my friend, to put into context, I probably meet up with friends once or twice a month for a few hours. Now I've given up trying to keep friendships and relationships because it's nothing than arguments with her. I'm now to the point I have no friends and I haven't dated in 5 years. I have no family as they are overseas and I haven't seen my father in over 30 years. If I have to go out she wants to know where I'm always going, sometimes I just want to go for a walk but she makes it difficult for me. If I'm not home at a certain hour she will call me to see where I am, if I'm out for longer, she will call me. I finish work but I don't go home for a while, I go have a coffee or something to eat and get home rather late, she gets angry because I'm not there to clean up. When I was 34, I was at a work Christmas party, she knew where I was, it was 1.30am, she called my mobile screaming at me, saying do you know what time it is. I was in a maxi cab with my boss and co workers going home, everyone in the cab could hear her on the phone yelling, I was embarrassed and humiliated. I received my certificate from university, she opened my mail called me to congratulate me, that should have been me opening it, she ruined that for me. I really need advice on what to do.

Re: Need Advice

therising — Thu, 28 May 2026 16:28:25 GMT

The warmest of welcomes to you at what sounds like an incredibly trying time in your life, in a number of ways.

Based on what you say, it sounds kind of like a reversal of roles. Imagine a 'I couldn't care less' kind of teenager. A parent could say 'You need to wash the dishes, put the rubbish out, clean up after yourself' etc and the response might be 'Nup, not doing it. It's not my job and, by the way, I couldn't care less. You do it'. In frustration and to save their own sanity in some cases, the parent does it all. As a mum to 2 grown kids, been there, done that. Still doing it to some degree😁. Yelling doesn't work. It makes no difference. The person being yelled at walks away, to avoid the conflict. Sometimes it's a bit of truth telling that works (not always). 'You're self entitled, feeling entitled to do next to nothing. You're unfeeling, while not feeling how upsetting it is for me to be managing everything on my own. You're irresponsible, while not responding to a number of things requiring your attention. And you're completely tuned out from the 'voice' in your head that's trying to tell you 'Don't leave that there, put it away' etc. While such things may be felt as criticisms, they're not, they're facts.

I think a lot depends on how the facts are delivered, how they're spoken and with what tone they're spoken in. For example, we'd deliver such facts incredibly carefully and compassionately to someone who's within a deep depression. In raising them, we'd speak carefully in a way that raises their consciousness, raises their spirits, raises their level of motivation and so on. We may not deliver all the facts at once and may carefully enter into a conversation that promotes a sense of wonder, as opposed to accusation. For example, 'Do you wonder why you feel entitled to only wash your own dishes? Do you know the reasons? Do you feel there are good reasons and maybe ones I can't fully relate to at the moment?'. Within a deep depression there can be a sense of entitlement to sleep a lot or sit a lot based on having next to no energy. To make that relatable, when we're thoroughly exhausted after work, we feel entitled to rest. What we're definitely not entitled to do is verbally abuse or degrade others just because we feel like it or just because it's become our 'go to' way of venting, something you need to make completely clear to your mum. This leads to boundary setting.

'While I understand you need me to be home to help you at certain times, what I do in my own time is personal to me. There are moments where I'm happy to share where I'm going or what I've been doing and moments where I prefer to keep things to myself. Either way, I'll let you know'. This establishes a boundary. Another boundary could involve 'The next time you phone me to hurl abuse down the phone, I'll let you know you're crossing a line (boundary line). You either take a step back or I'll end the phone call' or 'Let's call 2 hours a middle ground. If I'm running a couple of hours late, I'll call you to put your mind at ease'. It can be so hard to set boundaries and keep them in place. The other person can gradually push and push and push in the subtlest of ways and before you know it you've got no boundaries anymore. Push back can create some challenges but is necessary in some cases. Btw, sometimes there's no reasoning with people. I've found completely unreasonable people aren't worth reasoning with. It's a complete waste of time and effort and can take you to the brink of insanity. In this case, no reasons, just a matter of fact. 'It's a matter of fact that I'm out working and can't be home at the same time washing dishes. It's a matter of fact that there's no one home other than you to wash the dishes. It's a matter of fact that I feel like crying, based on me no longer being able to cope with the overwhelming stress I'm feeling'. If the response to that is 'Do you want me to feel bad? Do you want me to feel like a horrible person?', I'd say 'No, all I want you to do is feel for me'.

Re: Need Advice

Bunny82 — Thu, 28 May 2026 22:34:24 GMT

Hi, thanks for your advice. You can't talk to her, at all. I tried to talk to her before and she turns it around and makes it about her, then she turns it into an abusive, threatening, condescending conversation, where she says I need mental help, she actually starts laughing at me. You cannot have a calm adult conversation with her. A few times we were at the doctors together and she started making comments to the doctor about me and how lazy I am etc, the doctor just looked at me a little shocked. She just expects that I'll clean up after her, she expects that I'll spend my entire weekend cleaning the house only for me to come home Monday after work to a mess again. She hasn't had a conversation with me about things she can and can't do, she's just decided she's not going to do them anymore. If I bring up something, like for example, why can't you wash your dishes instead of leaving them in the sink, it followed by abuse, threats, laughter and degrading me that I'm useless and I'm lazy and she's never met anyone as lazy as me. If she starts arguments I walk away and say nothing then she follows me, she slams doors and swears at me. I need to sit down with a general practitioner and ask is this depression, is this the result of a brain injury that's getting worse, is it Alzheimers or dementia because it's getting to the point where I'm considering moving out, my mental health is declining and she refuses to acknowledge how her behaviour and comments are making me feel. I've tried setting boundaries, small ones, that have just resulted in more yelling and threatening behaviour and the I want you out of the house, you're so lazy, you won't survive, I'll sell and move overseas etc, I'm at this point that if she does, I don't care