topic Re: Resentment and shame in a sexless relationship in my 20s in Relationship and family issues

Resentment and shame in a sexless relationship in my 20s

LolaGreen — Mon, 25 May 2026 08:31:18 GMT

My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years now. I’m in my early 20s and he is in his late 20s. At the beginning of the relationship we faced challenges with him not being able to stay erect during sex which caused some self esteem issues for me and also for him I imagine. However then we started a great sex life and would have sex multiple times a day every day. However in the last 6 months or so we have stopped having sex and basically only have sex once a month and it’s usually just in the morning and doesn’t feel very intimate but rather something to be done. I’m struggling here because to me sex is very important and honestly a big desire of mine, it’s more than just physical for me. The thing is it’s just stopped and nothing else has been used to replace the intimacy felt during sex. He assures me he is sexually attracted to me but has also said that he never has experienced this with anyone before and he is usually the type of partner to be all over his partner, obviously this made me feel like shit. I know this is not necessarily important but he also has a very high number of people he has slept with which makes me feel like there is something exceptionally wrong with me. Weve had multiple conversations about it and every time it’s the same thing. He is working lots and has visa issues as well so it is an extremely stressful time for us both however i think sex for me is a way to feel closer and overcome that stress where as for him it’s not like that which is absolutely okay except im not sure how to overcome the feelings of resentment and shame. I feel like my needs aren’t being met but i don’t know where to go from here trying to balance my needs and his needs. Honestly im struggling to also hold space to be there for him because it feels like im sacrificing something important to me and he is just fine with that and i feel gross for feeling like this but i dont know what to do.

Re: Resentment and shame in a sexless relationship in my 20s

white knight — Tue, 26 May 2026 02:35:03 GMT

Hi, welcome

I understand, however I dont want to "sugar coat" my response to you and must throw up other pssibilities.

"Works a lot, visa, inconsistent sex drive...." All seem to bring an automatic thought in my mind of affairs. I'm sorry, I'm not here to upset you but being away from home for long hours or extra days due to "work" could be the ideal excuse to account for time.

I suppose a test could come in ways to prove his commitment like a counselling session to discuss intermittent sex drive which as a male I've never experienced, its always been constant and I'm 70yo. But again I'm thinking, when he has sex often with you is his affair partner not available?

I've had dozens of jobs in my working life with men, mainly in the security field working long hours shift work and knew of many that spilled the beans on their activities to me during their daylight hours when their spouses were working. It was even common. For 18 years I was also a private investigator and was sometimes commissioned to find out the truth of a partners activities to simply put the client at ease. Those results were divided about 50% half honest activities doing what they said they were doing and half were cheating. It gave clarity and secured a new future for many.

So, counselling, investigation, proof of income, listed phone calls and so on can lead to such clarity.

I hope that helps. I'm sorry you are enduring this and hope I'm wrong with my thoughts. I'm here daily if you want to talk further.

TonyWK

Re: Resentment and shame in a sexless relationship in my 20s

therising — Tue, 26 May 2026 09:23:45 GMT

Hi LolaGreen

It could be something as simple as what your partner points to, high cortisol levels (relating to stress) interfering with testosterone production. I'm wondering whether he's exhausted also, which can account for the lack of overall energy, let alone the kind of energy you used to both experience together more often. Could be some 'performance anxiety' also with him maybe feeling under pressure.

I think while some people can tend to think out loud, others think and then a little voice in their head will say 'Be careful how you phrase that'. A prompt for a filter before expressing thoughts. While he could have simply been thinking out loud with 'This has never happened with anyone before', a more careful way of expressing that could have been 'While this has never happened with anyone before, I can't help but wonder what could be going on with me that would lead me to experience this now'. I know it's easier said than done, not to take it personally, but it's possibly just all in the phrasing.

I think it's not until you really start to question 'What does sex or intimacy really mean to me?' that you can sometimes realise it means a whole lot more than what you imagine or what it used to mean. While maybe it used to be pretty serious, it can end up being a lighthearted experience with a few laughs (a form of amusement). It can be a way of releasing emotion or a way of building up a whole stack of energy in motion (charging up). It can be a form of self expression shared with a deep sense of love and connection or maybe just a way of experimenting with what brings out facets of us that we never knew existed. While once it may have been something that took minutes to achieve, it can become something that takes time and newfound strategies (promoting more outside the square ways of thinking). It's basically a resource in a relationship. It's understandable that a lack of one of your resources is leading you to feel the way you do. I think when we understand what it's a resource for, we can end up realising 'No wonder I feel the way I do'. For example, if it's a resource for gaining a deeper sense of connection to our partner, what we can end up feeling is a sense of dis-connection. Could be a matter of sitting down and saying 'Okay, a sense of disconnection just doesn't work for me. How are we going to form a new sense of connection?'. Of course, the answer 'I don't know' isn't technically an answer. You're looking for answers and a way forward that leads your relationship to develop beyond this challenge.