topic Maybe give up on finding love? in Relationship and family issues

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 14:13:48 GMT

Hi ladies and gentlemen

I'm a 41 year old male professional who has been single practically his whole life. I did manage to have dates with a few women since I moved to my current city five years ago. But, I have a funny feeling that the COVID pandemic (and its aftermath) left Australia's dating scene in shambles. I feel that is more of a case amongst the women. I understood that the best way for me to find a potential date after school and university is to find social groupings involving regular contact with women. But, so many women are now hesitant to go to mixed gender social groupings because of how certain men have hurt the women they came across in a big variety of ways. So, that hurt guys like me too.

I feel that maybe I am not meant to find love. Otherwise, life's circumstances would have been far more in my favour. Like me working near city offices, instead of in deep suburbia. Like me having genuine help on dating instead of being leached upon by every so called dating coach imaginable for money (who doesn't love money?!). Like me going to social groups that have the same women attending regularly instead of just showing up once and never returning. Like my siblings helping me hook up with one of their contacts instead of hiding them from me. Like me finding women at the "right place at the right time" instead of me finding women being sighted by 50 male "competitors", including their friends and work colleagues.

I also have been now getting the impression that some women find heterosexual romance to be a mere misogynistic conspiracy designed to restrain women and their freedoms...which is why I keep hearing about how more women are staying single and have NEVER been happier. All at a time when my depression has been contributed to by a very long absence of companionship.

I just now ask myself...am I meant to be single for life? Am I meant to just shut my longing up in response to women reacting to how some men treated them? I must say I am feeling more at peace about this possibility, but I want to say this. That is still a sad reality for me to face.

Any thoughts/comments? Many thanks.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Sophie_M — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 14:29:47 GMT

Dear JJ1981
We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.

We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat. Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards

Sophie M

Maybe give up on finding love?

geoff — Mon, 20 Jun 2022 15:51:26 GMT

Hello JJ1981, I'm very sorry you have had no or very little luck in being able to find a companion/partner and in the last few years it would have been difficult with lock downs and being isolated, but now all of this has been freed up.

There is an old saying and it goes 'the more you want, the less you get, and the less you get, the more you have', I'm sorry I hope this hasn't harmed you, but I remember being a kid and always being told this, back then I didn't understand what it meant.

Even if there are 50 males seeking to find a female, doesn't mean any of them may be suitable, because they may be looking at only you and to marry an attractive girl, who is well, rich and you are accepted is a mans dream, but then on the other hand, a poor girl who could offer you all the love you ever wanted is just as ideal.

Someone will come your way and it may just happen out of the blue, because to marry someone just for the sake of it, may not be in your best interests.

Good luck.

Geoff.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Petal22 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 06:40:43 GMT

Hi JJ1981,

I'm sorry that you haven't found that special someone yet but please don't give up hope because your special someone could be just around the corner.

Good things come to those who wait and I'm sure you are very deserving a lovely person to enter your life.

Trust the process everything will happen for you at the right time.

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 07:20:19 GMT

Hi Petal and George

Thanks for getting back. I have to admit that I disagree more and more about love coming "when you least expect it". If I'm still meant to find love and get the best out of it, I would have had circumstances pulling me closer to her...not be driven away, which is what's actually happening.

Because of this, the frustration has now become astronomical. I understand its meaning, but it's repeated so often, it has lost all of its meaning.

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 07:21:49 GMT

Geoff

About that saying, how does me wanting more mean me having more even with getting less. It makes sense but kind of doesn't...

Maybe give up on finding love?

Petal22 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 07:29:56 GMT

Hi JJ1981,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way I understand the frustration I really do.

Stay positive, stay positive to the fact that you will meet the love of your life very soon she is out there.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Bridge678 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 08:17:38 GMT

Are you getting out and doing things that you enjoy? What better place to meet someone then doing something that you both have in common. Go for the enjoyment of your hobbies and if love follows even better.

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 11:43:39 GMT

Hi Bridge

One little problem. And, I'll probably sound sarcastic about this.

Here is what I did. Dancing classes? Check. Social dancing in at least two or three places per month? Check. Bingo? Check. Quiz nights? Check. Go karting? Check. Language classes? Check. Social painting classes? Check. A group of formal painting classes? Check. A group of formal pottery making classes? Check. Drawing classes? Check. Attendance at social conventions? Check. Pub crawls? Check. Watching soccer? Check. Multicultural gatherings? Check. Scientific meetings? Check.

And the list goes on and on and on...

I know that going out and pushing yourself is a better approach to increase chances of finding companionship, but (as I said) circumstances would have drawn me towards love...instead of me going through such misfortune as shown above!

Maybe give up on finding love?

geoff — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 14:40:04 GMT

Hello JJ, wanting makes it impossible for us to truly appreciate our present state because we feel like we're missing out on something and please don't be misled into thinking you shouldn't want more in your life and remember never having enough and never content with what we can have, makes it impossible to satisfy, I'm only suggesting this may happen.

Geoff.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Juliet_84 — Tue, 21 Jun 2022 22:09:44 GMT

Hi JJ1981,

I’m sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time being single. I have a few friends who have are in the same boat and remain single despite their best efforts and are becoming disillusioned over time. Some people find it relatively easy to go from relationship to relationship - I can only assume they have the type of personality that gets on with most people, whereas for others, it can be very difficult. I myself find it very hard to find people I click with and so I have stayed in bad relationships for far longer than I should have because I have been worried about finding someone else. I can tell you all sorts of platitudes to try and make you feel better but the reality is that it’s a numbers game, the more dates you go on, the more chances you have of finding someone, it’s that simple. You can’t win a lottery that you haven’t even bought a ticket to. Ok yes you have done all of those activities, but did you make an effort to talk to everyone and get to know them, and ask people out on dates (even if they didn’t seem like your type at first glance)? Was the demographic wrong, in which case the activities themselves may have been wrong. I play indoor netball 3 times a week, 2 of those times it’s mixed and that is a great way to meet people - there are plenty of females there, you often go for drinks or dinner at the pub after, you work closely in a team with them, and there is a constant turnover of new people. Yes some women have been hurt before and so are hesitant to be in a relationship again but we are open to people who are nice and genuine. For me, I was in a DV relationship for a very long time and so I was terrified of dating, of someone pretending to be perfect and then turning into a monster once I had fallen in love. So I was very fearful, particularly if I sensed any bitterness as my ex was full of bitterness and resentment. So you will need to be sure you aren’t inadvertently projecting your frustration, I think that’s what people really mean when they say “it will come to you when you least expect it”, basically stop trying to force it and work on yourself and being happy and people can’t resist that.
Alternatively, if you feel yourself becoming disillusioned, then you can always take a break and go back to it when you feel a bit more positive/motivated. It’s really up to you.

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 09:20:28 GMT

You know what? I actually am reading through this. You guys are right in different ways. But, I must admit it is still a sad thing for me to read. And even had me confused about what to do next. Play mixed netball? Ask out the first lady who says hello to me at the first meet? Accept the possibility of a love being 4-5 out of 10, outside and inside?

Many activities I went through had many different younger ladies appearing. So, often I have included the right demographic. But, two problems. One, the events don't discriminate between single and seeking women, and women who either don't want a relationship or are already TAKEN. Two, I have made conversations with quite a few of those women...it's that they do not show up frequently enough (if at all) for me to build up enough rapport to ask out. I even tried asking women out within the first five minutes of a conversation, but I would be more likely getting polite brushoffs, rather than acceptances of a date offer. It's a matter of building up report...something of which life appears to have prevented me from doing ad nauseum!

Maybe give up on finding love?

Juliet_84 — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 13:03:22 GMT

Hi JJ1981,

I’m glad that you have found some value in our suggestions, and despite you being fairly disillusioned at the moment, I think you recognize that there is truth in what we say. The mixed netball was purely an example of an activity that has a lot of women in your target demographic. Only tonight I played mixed netball with just as many men there as women and afterwards we went for a meal at the pub. But it took me about a year to feel comfortable there, at first I knew no one and felt incredibly isolated. Two years ago I moved to a new town and didn’t know anyone, so I essentially had to put myself out there and try and establish friends - at first I was incredibly self-conscious and it felt a lot like dating but over time I became more comfortable with putting myself out there, saying “we should catch up for dinner after a game sometime” or if they lived near me, we should go for a walk or brunch etc and then following through. I too was afraid of rejection, but I was more afraid of staying isolated by myself so I forced myself. I even got a puppy as a way of being out and about more and meeting new people. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way, if not you will find an excuse and stay the same. You will get the polite brush-offs, most often by women who are already in relationships, and that is fine, that’s a great way of removing them from the pool and keep moving. But eventually you will find someone willing to get to know you. You sound like an intelligent and articulate guy. There is value in what you bring to the table. I think you need to have more confidence in that and trust that there are women out there who will recognize that. But I agree with you, meeting the right people is the hardest part. You just have to keep going with it until you don’t have to anymore

Maybe give up on finding love?

JJ1981 — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 13:48:05 GMT

Good moves there too, Juliet. And, thanks for your feedback on how my personality appears.

Talk about "trusting the process", as another woman put it.

It looks like trust is just as important in getting potential partners as confidence (the term of which appears so damn vague and so heavily abused by dating profiteers, lots of people wouldn't understand what the hell it really means)...

Maybe give up on finding love?

geoff — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 14:25:24 GMT

Hello JJ, our personalities are formed in one way or another, it could be from our upbringing, school or slowly change while at work simply because it has to, and this may happen without us even knowing.

So when you meet someone, do you just say 'hello', out of courtesy or being polite or can you expand the conversation by saying 'how was your day' and then continue on talking.

Not everyone you meet should be viewed as a potential partner, which can be a mistake we find ourselves doing, when trying to find someone.

Geoff.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Guest_1584 — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 12:43:48 GMT

Hi op.

l wouldn't worry too much about the crap you hear, half the time that oh l don't want a relationship l'm so happy talk is just that and all just front. l was a bit older than you after marriage and just about any woman l met was looking for a relationship or marriage l could've remarried a couple of times so far. l mean l know guys that have just had enough of women though and no doubt some women have men , not saying there isn't, but there's also a lot of bravado going on l see.There are plenty of ea that would also like to meet that someone to.

Unfortunately it does get complicated though as we get older in that people have usually divorced and have ex's and kids and lots of baggage. They've also often met a few new people since that didn't go well and losing heart butttt, right person and you can work through things together. Tbh though l'd sort of agree with Geoff in a way if l understand it correctly just in that you might be wanting it a bit too much , does sound like you've tried a lot of stuff. Sometimes you see people that works and they meet the one but other times it's like they might just need to relax a little and more just live them and life bc you just naturally come across people either way anyway, you know.

l always say to people it's the quality that matter, not the quantity.

Good luck anyway. rx.

Maybe give up on finding love?

Guest_1584 — Thu, 23 Jun 2022 22:38:25 GMT

Also just on date site stuff op , l tried one ah, 4 or 5 yrs back now before l met my partner but most of the women on mine were serious and looking for something real or marriage. Talking 40s to early 50ish , so were are around. Most of any l met actually complained that it was the guys they'd met that were only looking for casual. So anyway , keep the faith .