topic Sexless relationship in Relationship and family issues

Sexless relationship

Mar777 — Wed, 06 May 2026 13:29:11 GMT

We’ve been together for almost 9 years. He’s never been sex driven and at some point I stop trying as the rejection kept hurting my self esteem. It’s been more than 3 years without sex now. I’ve tried to talk about it and find a way to help but he refuses to talk, he probably feels embarrassed. I have not had much experience in sex and I’m not very active myself but I would like to at least have sex once a month. I do love my partner (now fiancé) and our relationship is great apart from having zero sex. I do not want to make a decision based just on sex as it’s not the most important aspect for me but I do feel like I’m missing that part in my life. I’ve never been unfaithful because I’m too loyal or perhaps hasn’t had the opportunity. Sometimes I wish to meet someone that makes me feel desired. I would like to connect with someone in the same situation 😞

Re: Sexless relationship

therising — Wed, 06 May 2026 18:36:56 GMT

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're beginning to seriously question an element of your relationship with your partner.

I think sex represents different things for different people at different times in their life. For some it can be about experiencing joy, excitement, a way to share emotion, a way to expend energy, a way of sharing in some laughter (having fun), a loving and soulful sense of connection, a selfless expression of giving, a way of feeling life and the list goes on. For others it can be 'just another chore', something that impacts their self esteem, something they don't have the energy for, something that triggers trauma, something they fear or dread, something they have no interest in or confidence in etc etc. It can have so many different meanings. Add to that some of the chemical elements in play, such as testosterone levels, oxytocin levels, dopamine levels, chemical elements of depression and so on. Add to that some of the influences in our life, such as cultural or religious influences, social influences etc. While for some people sex is just something they participate in, for others it can be about a whole lot more. At the end of the day, we'll never know what it means to our partner until they tell us or we're able to gain a natural sense of what it means to them.

Whether your partner knows exactly why they're not interested or whether they've just never stopped to wonder are of course two entirely different matters. The first requires honesty and the second requires some wonderful or wonder filled discussions, perhaps starting with 'Have you ever stopped to wonder why sex is of little interest to you?'. Leading the conversation could involve 'There are times where I, myself, have zero interest and I've wondered why that is. Sometimes it's been about having next to no energy. Other times it's because I'm more passionate about something else, such as my hobby of _____ and sometimes I feel no sense of connection to anything when I'm depressed'. It becomes not about what can feel like an interrogation but more so about sharing some common and not so common reasons for a lack of interest.

As a gal who's been married for 23 years, there have been a whole variety of different reasons for the lack of interest on my part and my husband's at times. It's not always easy to share the reasons but I think we can owe and be owed a reason in exchange for faithfulness and loyalty in a committed relationship. Sometimes it's not enough for a partner to say 'I don't want to talk about it'. This may only work for so long, until it no longer works. While a partner can tolerate a lack of interest, tolerate rejection of some kind, tolerate disappointment, tolerate no valid or relatable reason, there can come a tipping point between tolerance and intolerance. When we can feel ourself tipping into a state of resentment, anger or depression, that's a whole other matter.❤️

Re: Sexless relationship

Mar777 — Thu, 07 May 2026 01:30:50 GMT

Thank you for your comment. It really helps me understand things and try to see them in a different perspective.
I am not sure how important sex is for me, so I do not think it is a deal breaker right now. I have tried to talk to him so many times without making him feel guilty, just trying to understand but I just receive silence from him. He has only apologised for hurting my self esteem and once I asked him if it has always been this way with previous relationships and he said yes. I can’t get him to open up. I’m afraid that I have also lost interest, I no longer feel the need to initiate and I just satisfy myself using my imagination or thinking in different scenarios involving other people.

It’s so good to get to talk about this with someone. I’ve tried to talk to friends but they have never experienced anything like this so they don’t understand. Thank you again 💜

Re: Sexless relationship

therising — Thu, 07 May 2026 08:20:05 GMT

Hi Mar777

It's about whatever works for the two of you as a couple. Every couple is different. Whether he eventually feels the need to open up or the need to wonder, time will tell. It's good that you've got a clue, him feeling this way in past relationships. Other clues may gradually come to light in the future, to help you make greater sense of why he feels this way about sex. While you develop together as a couple in other ways, things may naturally change over time regarding certain forms of intimacy.