topic Re: Complicated in Relationship and family issues

Complicated

Kenapela — Sun, 29 Mar 2026 19:52:45 GMT

Hello,

I apologise for the long post upfront. I have several issues. My health is a major concern, and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it may be contributing to what's happening. I have birth defect, an inoperable AVM (abnormal entanglement of veins) in my brainstem and am essentially a ticking time bomb. Discovered when I had a stroke last year at 62yrs, but fortunately no deficits. Now to the family issue.

My mother passed away 3 years ago. My younger sister offered to care for our father but then felt railroaded by our older brother, who lived near our parents. My sister and I were very close, I thought beforehand. But the relationship deteriorated. She became resentful toward me and passive aggressively critical, over a period of 2 years while caring for Dad. I was not helping enough. Dad has now been placed in a nursing home. Not long after that her resentment grew and her husband was behaving odd as well. I ended up journaling the behaviour because if I mentioned that she said something that wasn't nice, we'd argue and she'd deny it. I started to see the recruitment of other family members. I felt I was pushed and pulled. While she was including me and being nice sometimes, she was also underhandly making me feel bad about Dad's care. I was starting to see she wasn't as nice as she seemed and was calling her out on it, at times. I used to be quiet not say anything just go with the flow. It came to a head at my niece's bridal shower, where she openly displayed her disapproval of me with her daughter there by a silent mocking gesture in my peripheral vision and further grumping over a gift I gave, which in hindsight, I think has made her feel inadequate. Yes, it was all very childish. I was humiliated, but stayed quiet, my niece was trying to hide it by standing in front. I never mentioned it until later and of course it was denied which screwed over my brain and still does. I involved my brother and he says he would have ignored it. He knows she's difficult but is sweeping it under the carpet. He suggested space. So, my sister and I are estranged now for 6 months. My brother came to visited everyone recently and it was all carefully separated so as to not hurt anyone. Basically, I'm getting the feeling I'm not believed by him and have caused drama, and that my sister has got what she wanted, me pushed aside and not having to be accountable for her behaviour. It's more than a sibling tiff to me. It's cruel, isolating, and I'm struggling to move on.

Re: Complicated

Eagle Ray — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 08:25:59 GMT

Hi and welcome Kenapela,

Thank you for sharing your story. That would have been a bit of a shock learning about the AVM and also stressful going through the stroke. I'm glad there were no deficits from the stroke but can understand that it would have been a vulnerable time.

With the family issue, I really feel for you with regard to the passive aggression. Your sister did offer to care for your dad and you have also had your health issues to contend with during that time. Was your sister or other family there to support you with what you were going through?

I think the journalling was a good idea as it has enabled you to track her behaviour. I think we can sometimes trick ourselves into believing passive aggressive behaviours aren't really happening because we really want to believe the other person isn't doing it, but when you document it over time it provides consolidating evidence. My own view of passive aggression is that it is an immature and cowardly way of trying to hurt another person. I've dealt with a similar issue with a sibling who has used passive aggressive behaviour with me. He also has a partner who is a mix of being very outright aggressive and manipulative. In the end I had to come to a point of radical acceptance about their behaviour and name it for what it is. I do not see his partner at all, and only have very occasional minimal contact with my brother now. It really hurt for a long time, but I am eventually now starting to make peace with it and actually feel better.

What I am wondering is whether you have any other supports, whether they be friends or other extended family members you can talk to? I realise speaking with extending family members may feel difficult with regard to the situation with your sister, but is there even someone you can ring up for a chat and express how you are feeling?

I really feel for you and I do understand that what you are going through can feel so isolating and hurtful. I think if you can develop your own inner sense of worth and value independent of them, such that you know you haven't done anything wrong and their behaviour is immature and inappropriate, it can sometimes help to set a boundary around yourself that protects you. With my brother, I had to let myself be angry about his behaviour and say enough with regard to tolerating the passive aggression. Allowing myself to feel angry helped me to feel some protection from the hurt. Now that anger is moving through and I've moved on from holding onto hope of his behaviour improving. But, interestingly, since I've really kind of moved on, he has actually been nicer when he does communicate, so sometimes setting a kind of energetic boundary around yourself and getting on with your own life encourages the other person to step up a bit and be a bit more respectful.

I'm not sure if any of that helps but I wanted to say I do empathise, and I hope you can feel supported here.

Re: Complicated

Eagle Ray — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 08:40:25 GMT

P.S. I just thought I'd add that sometimes people outside our biological family become our family. You may find that there are others you feel at home with where there is a healthy relationship and connection. I've found that healing relationships and connections can do wonders, and once you start experiencing trust and safety with others, it helps to ease the pain of things like family relationships that have been hurtful. The ideal would be for your sister to openly and maturely communicate what is bothering her, but it sounds like that isn't happening, even when you are trying to raise the issue with her.

Depending on whether it is affordable and whether you can find a good person to work with, seeing a counsellor or psychologist can sometimes help as well, just to have that impartial person to talk openly to about what's happening. And there is the Beyond Blue helpline too. I have found talking to others can really help.

Re: Complicated

Eagle Ray — Mon, 30 Mar 2026 10:00:01 GMT

Just another quick thought - Would it help to write to your sister (email, letter or text) and just say that you value your connection with her and would like to clear things up? I just wonder if in written form it gives her space to reflect and maybe communicate better with you. I just wondered if that would break the ice and open up an open-hearted discussion? Being in the situation, you will know better than me, but it could be one more thing to try, and if that doesn't work then you know you've done your best to communicate effectively through the issue.

Re: Complicated

Kenapela — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 10:11:15 GMT

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply. I do have a friend who is very supportive of me. I'm incredibly blessed with her friendship. After 6 months, I know I need to stop burdening her with this.

My sister inlaw has been supportive but we don't bring up the subject anymore. She is all for my betterment. I think she and my brother have argued over it. I don't want that so I don't bring it up.

I guess it's a time thing. I'm very uneasy about the inevitable coming across of my sister in the future.

You sound as though you have an understanding of how painful the situation is.

Again I appreciate your kind words.

Re: Complicated

Kenapela — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 10:21:43 GMT

Oh I just seen this extra post.

As much as I would like to communicate with her. I don't think it's a good idea. In the past I always initiated the peace. And I hate using the word always, but my sister in law pointed it out. She noticed that.

It's awful because I thought we were close. I was misreading the relationship. I can't do it. I can't fix this one. It's not mine to fix. I know I sound stubborn but I think she wanted me to chase again, and she can't bring herself to admit she did something wrong. I'm hurt but I'm not playing anymore. Yes I'm hurt and angry.

Re: Complicated

Eagle Ray — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 11:59:44 GMT

Hi Kenapela,

I'm really glad you have a very supportive friend and also that your sister in law has been supportive.

I understand about deciding against further communication. You will know best based on your sister and the dynamics of the situation. If you have tried already to communicate openly and with goodwill and you only get more passive aggression or avoidance, then sometimes walking away is the only option left.

If it's any encouragement, I found that despite how painful I found it for a long time, allowing myself to be angry with my brother and make a clear decision to put up a boundary has been protective for me. The anger is now passing through and I'm really make peace with it. I think you need to consider your own health and well being first and foremost.

With regard to possibly seeing your sister in the future, I think if you can find an inner sense of your own peace and self-worth, that can help to keep you steady and calm in the event that you see her somewhere. I'm not 100% estranged from my brother, but it's now a very distant relationship, and I have wondered what it would be like seeing him at an extended family gathering, especially if we do become completely estranged. But my sense is I can remain safely in my own space and I think you can do that too. You know you have had good intentions and attempted to communicate through the issues, so it's really on your sister now to carry the discomfort.

I know it's really sad of course and it hurts, so sometimes too we have to allow ourselves to feel the hurt, and maybe share with someone we trust. There is also Griefline who you can call about any kind of loss, which can include things like the loss of a family relationship. Their number is 1300 845 745. There is the Beyond Blue helpline too: 1300 224 636. Sometimes just talking things through with another person can be settling in those times when we hurt and feel sad.

I have found that moving on is a process that takes time, but it does gradually get better. It can be a sense of relief actually when you feel you have finally let go of the situation. Take good care of yourself and we are here to chat further if you need to.

Re: Complicated

Kenapela — Tue, 07 Apr 2026 04:28:45 GMT

Thank you so much. You really have given me a guiding light. And some wonderful assurance.

I would say that the isolation I've felt has been the most difficult.

You can only say so much. I've found I'm less emotional with the time passed. I was very distraught at the onset and grieving the relationship. I still am sad. I think I always will be. As I mentioned we were very close. I have a referral from my GP to see a Psychologist, which I will. Your right I do need to concentrate on finding some peace.

While I'm very slowly accepting all this, I still can't believe its happened. I'm weirdly relieved for the space I have, but I'm tormented at the same time.

Thankyou so much again for your time and helpfulness and kind words.

Re: Complicated

Eagle Ray — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 08:37:01 GMT

Dear Kenapela,

Yes, I find the isolation the worst thing too. I guess take heart that your sister-in-law has been supportive. I have found I have had to focus on people I still have a kind connection with, like a couple of cousins. It really does hurt though, doesn't it. I have found it has eased in intensity over time though, in terms of how I feel, so I hope it really does for you too.

I understand about it feeling unreal as well, as I also feel that sense of unreality with my brother and never thought I'd find myself in this situation either. The fact you mention your sister feeling railroaded by your older brother perhaps means she's redirected her frustrations onto you? I really don't know, but my brother has been highly manipulated and influenced by his partner and that has led him to direct hostility towards me, so in my case anyway a third party has been a divisive influence.

It is really good you have that space for yourself though. I'm learning that the protection of my own space and sense of emotional safety is very important, and I'm more willing to prioritise that than I ever was in the past. I know it sounds corny and may not feel like great consolation right now, but I do think we grow stronger from these things.

Take good care of yourself and do some really kind things for you. All the very best,