topic Betrayal in Relationship and family issues

Betrayal

Gypsy_Mama — Tue, 17 Mar 2026 01:28:34 GMT

My husband and I have been together for 14 years married 10 with 2 kids. Over our time together we have had many up’s and downs which I know is normal. When we met I made it very clear on my boundaries towards pornography, strip clubs, topless waitresses and anything that falls under that umbrella. Over the years we have had the bucks party arrive and yes lied to about what went on, he’s attended other bucks parties and taken himself into strip clubs out of feeling peer pressured. The most recent 1 year ago was me discovering he watched porn and then when I confronted him he denied it to very quickly admit yes he did. I can’t explain the gut wrenching feeling that came over me where i feel vomit rise up and I wanted to run and not stop running. I was lied to and betrayed..again. One year on and I chose to stay and work through this. He knows it wasn’t ok and he knows how badly it’s destroyed all my trust. He has attended a few counselling sessions but I feel like I’ve had to “nag” him. He was asked by councillor to write in a book again he’s not consistent. When I bring it up he gets very emotional and tells me how ashamed I am then I feel bad for him. I shouldn’t have to beg him to be consistent and show me that he wants to make our marriage work. He assured me he would do whatever it took and he wanted to change his ways as he isn’t happy with himself. It’s really exhausting and I know he loves me but he just wants to stick his head in the sand and forget any of this happened. Because none of the previous times were ever resolved and I was told to “get over it” and “are you still on about that?” I never fully healed. This time it needs to be done right. I can’t heal from something I didn’t do because I feel bad about making his emotions cripple him. Mix in kids and it’s very hard to discuss anything really. I came from a broken home and it’s something I never want. I love him so much and I know inside there’s an incredible man, the man he was when I fell in love with him.
I’ve never forgiven anyone before for betrayal, I know it won’t be easy but I need to know he’s going to make the effort.

Re: Betrayal

white knight — Tue, 17 Mar 2026 13:17:15 GMT

Hi, welcome

Sorry about your torment on this topic.

I'd like to give you two sides to this. It might help.

You have your boundaries. Some people's boundaries are flexible and others solid. My own thoughts are that human behaviour especially with peer pressure isnt rigid, people cant survive well with concrete rules inserted into a soft grey lump called a brain. Yes, you're entitled to your ethics and you gave him your limits of tolerance and he then "went along with the boys". He violated your standards. He also is old enough that peer pressure could be resisted.

Ive worked in the defence forces and seen porn movies decades ago. I was also at a breakup xmas party and wasnt aware of the organisers plan for a stripper. I can say, had I walked out I'd be ridiculed for a long time. The culture is wrong, the expectations very high on "mates" but the fun is addictive to most men.

None of those instances had a bearing on my love or commitment to my then partners. I was young and not wise. I had a female friend that had a male stripper at her hens night too.

Its not excusable but is attending such an event unforgivable? What i often do is take a survey of opinions of several people. Find the most common view- is it forgivable? Would they flex their boundaries and also important how long is reasonable to hold a grudge or repeat the conflict? Even prisoners get released.

If the conflict resulted in you remaining together you should be able to forgive, move forward and put it in the "hes normal, hes not perfect" box.

Remember I said about that Xmas party? 60 men were there, most married... not one left the depot. We all stayed. Were all 60 indecent immoral men?

So, is hubby normal? Are solid boundaries unrealistic? Will the impasse be worth family destruction?

Reply anytime I'm here daily. We might make headway.

TonyWK

Re: Betrayal

Gypsy_Mama — Wed, 18 Mar 2026 02:38:53 GMT

Hey, I appreciate your replay and do like a males perspective.

I have written and deleted my reply many times. Look I get it. There’s a stigma and “boys will be boys”.

But hey I’ve had boys and I’ve tested me being ok with it and that’s why I didn’t marry them. I don’t need to go into why but my husband knows why and he knew from the get go.

As a woman who has birthed 2 children and bounced back the last thing you need is to contend with the internet or 20 year old strippers

we have a son and daughter and I want to hope that when they come of age my son has the courage to walk away and my daughter knows her worth.

We are only human and yes knock yourself out if you’re single, go wild & yes some couples are ok with it. I’m just not, I’m not ok with my husband admiring the body of someone who could be his daughter’s age down the track.

If re hashed it and said if this is what you want then I’m not your lady.

He’s assured me he doesn’t and no we’re at the making consistent choices and effort to re gain my trust. Again I haven’t done this before so baby steps.

He’s not a bad person. He’s a good person who made a mistake and yes 60 men would be hurting their significant other if they knew they weren’t ok with it.

boundaries are boundaries and mine have been tested multiple times.

I hope this gives some more insight into how I’m feeling.

Thanks