topic Re: Narcissistic wife in Relationship and family issues

Narcissistic wife

Behere — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 20:56:49 GMT

I have posted under the title overwhelmed but I really want to write about Narcissism because I think it might be helpful to anyone else who feels they are locked in a narcissistic relationship and it will help me clarify my thoughts

Firstly I am aware of the criticism around the word Narcissism to me the word is a shorthand for describing a group of behaviours that I believe my wife expresses I am not a professional I just wish to share my lived experience.

I will describe some of her behaviour There are events that really stand out in my mind as particularly cruel and demonstrate a lack of any ability to express empathy and then there are the everyday interactions that often seem too trivial to mention but these follow a pattern and are just as destructive possibly more destructive because they are easier to excuse or blame yourself for, they fly under the radar.

These examples may seem vindictive and you may think I am getting back at my wife in some way I want to say that non of these events have come out of for example infidelity or massive arguments this is the background noise if you like of our relationship.

One of many examples i could list is fairly recently i came out of hospital after a abdominal operation my wife had to pick me up because of the anaesthetic we drove straights from the hospital to the school There are two routes to the school one down a road with about eight speed humps I asked my wife if she could take the other route she ignored me and ignored the obvious pain I was in every time we drove over the speed hump we picked my daughter up and then despite me telling her how much pain I was in drove back the same way. Our relationship is punctuated with events like this that express a complete lack of empathy care and compassion for another human being

The everyday events are more like finding out what is important to you what are your core beliefs and then going about trying to undermine them for example if you value truth and openness in a relationship to portray you as a lier My wife knows I like deserts so now if I ever refuse a desert when offered it is proof that I am a lier and nothing I say can be trusted. I have always had pets in my life and would never be cruel to any animal at Christmas the cat was about to climb into the Christmas trees so I grabbed it and pulled it out from behind the tree my wife said do not hit the cat you have a really cruel streak in you. The examples are endless

Thanks behere

i will continue the post

Re: Narcissistic wife

white knight — Wed, 11 Mar 2026 23:43:44 GMT

Hi, welcome

I used to think Narcissism was rare, but it isnt. There are also many actions a narcissist can carry out. I hope I can help in some way as my 1st wife, mother and my sister fitted into the category.

Narcissists can have many arms at their disposal we dont think about. Eg silence. When a spouse is devoted, kind and supportive their narc partner could use silence as a weapon. To be ignored for up to 4 weeks at a time is extreme behaviour and difficult for a family to function especially with children. Not a word for weeks. That was a habit of my first wife and the crime I committed? I rearranged the items in a pantry I built. Who did the cooking ? Myself. So she rearranged it again while I was at work and upon my return I got angry and raised my voice. She refused any sit down conversation and even after 4 weeks we didnt discuss it, she just began to talk once I was punished enough.

There was other erratic behaviours and I consulted my friends as I was desperate, they had no answers in fact some doubted me as her behaviour was so unusual. On the face of it everyone thought she was wonderful and thats the lie they can portray.

My mother though used manipulation and triangulation. She hated not being the centre of attention and ruined my wedding. Then 25 years later threatened to ruin my 2nd wedding when I put a stop to it.

The fallout of a narcissists behaviour is that it effects all people around them, kids, relatives. It's generally accepted that cutting off all contact and moving on from them is the only avenue for sanity... if that can be done. Some like myself that had children had to leave and wait till the youngest was 18 before I could sever all contact with her. 14 years of having to remain in contact for visitations etc. a long time.

The fact she used the hump route is the best example of the cruel side. It's unacceptable. If my 1st wife did that and we argued at home later she'd deny she heard me tell her not to take that route and she'd stick by it. That creates doubt to any person with low self esteem. It becomes a gaslighting situation.

Her "trivial" acts can be more than annoying. My 1st wife saw it as a game of control. She knew me so well she could press my buttons anytime. A good partner, a fine father and hard worker meant nothing in the end, no appreciation, no empathy...

Do you have children? Reply anytime, I'm here daily and others might post.

TonyWK

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 02:49:13 GMT

Man, i hear you both... i will try to be brief for once. I used to term it "she is beyond reproach". If she said something like "you're lookign a bit fat today, maybe try the other pants...". Me: WOT? she giggles and says "i was only joking, can't you take a joke. i didn't mean it... What, now you've got the sh*Ts? I was only joking, can't you handle a joke? .... blah blah. The complete and deliberate reversal of any form of accountability, in hindsight, was quite amazing. I've since researched it all and understand it. Not saying she is, but one of the classic features of Sociopathic behavior. Same on frequent occasion where she would lurer me into a trap of Trusting her with sensitive issues. I would tell her with honest as married couple should. Me thinking over and over again she actually cares. 4hrs later, bang, it all comes back at me and i'm completely frozen at such behavior. Lure, gain confidence to evoke information, then use use it upon them at a later date. A well documented CIA basic interrogation 101 technique. Quite amazing actually that everything was my fault. Even something she did. Never ever able to save sincerely 'sorry, i shouldn't have said that'.

Lastly: I have my long gone shrink's notes from 2021. The beginning of my demise. I actually mentioned my ex wife was 'gas lighting me'. Well that went down well didn't it - NOT. Her look was one considering i was complete off my tree, psychosis and whatever for even thinking such things. I dropped it, tried never to discuss again. That was 5years ago when men were not allowed to say such preposterous notions. Yes men do the same disgusting behavior.
Always interesting to look at shrinks notes that contain such things including complete reversal of diagnosis and medication.

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 02:16:50 GMT

Ha! Just re-read it. My birthday in 2020. Ex wife rang the Police with a 'concern for weathfare check'. Off we go with the giant cops and all others. My birthday for crying out loud.

The Shrink i discussed before. The one i said thought i was completely nut.... she also noted "send for Brain MRI stat". Strange times indeed.

Re: Narcissistic wife

white knight — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 02:32:27 GMT

Gee Steve, thats alarming.

I'd like to mention the book "walking on eggshells" by Dr Christine Lawson and extracts on the internet if you google - Queen witch hermit waif.

She identified the 4 characters of which you might relate to. My mother imo was all 4. Of course she was in denial and now passed on.

After you research this interesting topic you begin to realise you were actually always sane.

TonyWK

Re: Narcissistic wife

Behere — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 03:19:19 GMT

One of the most difficult things I have felt recently is why did I not see this looking back all the signs were there it has taken 15 years and my daughter to end up in hospital with a eating disorder for me to wake up to what is going on. I feel a failure as a father for not acting on what part of me new from the start was wrong, all the red flags were there

At the moment I feel what I can only describe as relief the relief that I am not going mad and the relief that comes with understanding.I am worried though that like grief the full impact will hit me the full enormity of the situation

Right now I am preoccupied trying to help my daughter I can not walk away as I would like as my daughter is too vulnerable.

We have a eating disorder therapist that I have talked too and tried to explain but her focus is on my daughter and I don’t know if she has a real understanding she recommends couples counselling The trouble is we have had counselling when we first met and I realised now this was counter productive My wife sat there hardly speaking while I talked and she made notes that she later used against me actually her first words when we left the counselling where now I know why you are so fucked up.

I am reluctant to enter into this situation again.

Any thoughts

Thanks for listening

behere

Re: Narcissistic wife

Behere — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 04:47:11 GMT

I want to speak about something my wife did that was so deeply distressing to me I think I have just buried it and tried not to think about it I moved to Australia about 14 years ago.

One of the hardest things was to leave my family behind

During the covid lockdown my Mother died I could not fly over to her funeral this really effected me My mother had been ill and my younger brother had been looking after her in our family home I felt deeply indebted to my brother he nursed her for 2 years while she deteriorated with vascular dementia The funeral was arranged and I know my mother would have wanted me there instead I was as far away as it’s possible to be

we arranged a zoom meeting so anyone who wanted could watch I had not had a chance to grieve. Her death was not unexpected so I did not feel that overwhelming sense of shock and grief if it is out of the blue The funeral felt important to me

When we sat down with my daughter and wife she started talking over the funeral running a commentary I asked her to stop but she just continued I did not want to argue at my mothers funeral. My daughter said just stop talking she could not stop herself I had no moment to stop and in silence and respect say goodbye to my mother To add insult she turned to me and said it’s alright if you cry it’s ok for a man to cry. This felt so deeply inappropriate and manipulative it left me just emotional numb.

That statement felt like it came from a very dark and cruel place one designed to hurt me

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 06:28:05 GMT

@Behere. Man what an awful go you have had mate. And continue to have.. It really sucks actually. It would be very easy to suggest a flippant remark that others in Society may do - well probably would say actually. It has happened to me and i'm sure most of us too. Unfortunately, no solutions other than keep posting mate. Post and post and post. Cry and cry.
The one outstanding comment you made is it took you 15years to figure out…. Well 50/50 hindsight is a wonderful thing but not applicable man. Take it easy on yourself. Happens to a gazillion men AND women every day/week/year. It happened to me for 15years too. As with you, at no point could i say nor assert anything about it either. Life dynamics don't work that way and neither does the 'nuclear bomb clear earth' flippant approach. It's OK man, have a think about trying to forgive. Never forget, but forgive somehow. Very very difficult but the only thing that worked for me.

This will resound with you. Early separation/ divorce my Mum died. I was at the Nursing home when it happened. Devastated I called my ex to see if she could possibly pick our children up from school and have them for the night (my day to have them) so I could work everything out for at least the arvo/ evening. You already know the answer – ‘nah, no can do, got prior engagements”. I lost faith in humanity at that point in time. I dwelled on revenge scenarios endlessly about when her Parents fell off the perch, one by one and she needs a hand each time, I was going to “get her back, I’ll show her!”. Well I soon realised all this crap was me doing it to me. She never thought about it again. I was consumed with hate, vengeance and all that for months on end. Totally consumed me for ages. Not sure where and when, if I read it or was suggested or came up with it myself, but bashing myself endlessly was not the answer to eventual freedom. It only hurts YOU. The perpetrator never even thinks about it again. The key for me to some form of relief (and I’m not religious) was ‘to forgive, yet never forget’. Later years I learned it was a common proverb:
"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".
A bit cryptic at first but speaks volumes about all injustices one goes through life and the obsession to continually replay it 1000x each day, when the perpetrator does not think about it ever... We as humans have this Innate need to hold onto all these injustices very very tightly and very close to our heart, never letting go at all cost.

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 06:33:49 GMT

@ TonyWK - just goes to show how powerful this Forum is. Never heard of it. And i thought my knowledge base was pretty damn expansive, always accumulating knowledge of course, obsessional about it actually. To have someone suggest such, is quite surprising and profound that someone would understand and 'get it'. Even suggesting a resource pertinent to my comment.
I thankyou very much and i shall Google it in 5seconds and spend the night reading it... 🙂

Re: Narcissistic wife

therising — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 06:43:58 GMT

Hi Behere

I've found the more conscious you become of someone's behaviour, more questions come to light. All of a sudden you can find yourself questioning just about everything just about all of the time. With an expression of shock, it becomes 'How the heck did I not see any of this until now?!'. You can also start to become more conscious of your own nature too. 'I never realised how patient I was until now. I never realised how much of an outside the square thinker I was until now (while trying to work out ways around not triggering that person)' and the list of all the traits you have that you never fully acknowledged before continues.

I feel for you so much regarding not physically being there for your mum and brother. Your level of tolerance toward your wife during the funeral telecast blows my mind. Your daughter was obviously feeling for you as she pushed for the silence and respect you needed, deserved and was entitled to. What a beautiful kid.

With the questioning aspect of 'waking up' to someone's behaviour, over time I think we learn to trust what we feel as being questionable. If someone/something leads us to feel heartbreak, it's questionable. If someone/something leads us to feel choked up in some way, it's questionable. If someone/something leads us to feel what is stomach churning, it's questionable. As I say, we can feel what is questionable at times. I've found the challenge becomes about questioning out loud just about anything that's questionable. Btw, if those who don't like to be questioned or challenged insist 'Why are you questioning me all the time?', a handy response can be 'I simply like to have my sense of wonder satisfied'. You seriously can't help but wonder about some people's behaviour. If you become full of wonder, you are free to openly declare yourself as simply being wonderful.

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 09:25:32 GMT

Watch and read everything "Chase Hughes". The key to deal with such people...

All over YouTube and the like. Turned on soooo many light bulbs for for me.
I still these use principles today to deal with such people. Just remember the prompt - F.O.G.

Re: Narcissistic wife

white knight — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 12:35:35 GMT

I believe narcissism is the most difficult thing a spouse has to deal with. Since 1996 when I left my first wife that emotionally abused me ive been aware of the damage she did to my self esteem. Then after 2010 when my youngest turned 18 I felt free. No longer did I need to consult my ex about visits, extra expenses or careers. In that 14 years she'd spoken down to me and often said "but I'm the mother" pulling rank.

But also during that period she'd remarried to a nice guy. One day he approached as I dropped my girls off. "I'm having issues with her" he said. He listed them, exact same issues I'd had. I felt vindicated but I couldn't help him. They divorced.

Im not religious either but since 1987 I've watched YouTube videos (cassettes in the early days) of Prem Rawat Maharaji. Here's my favourites-

Sunset

All is well

The perfect instrument

The power that we have

Now many years later I do divide people into two categories- the people that I can easily tolerate and those that I cannot. Avoiding the latter brings peace.

"A sunset lasts two hours- have you ever seen a sun...set"? -Maharaji

TonyWK

Re: Narcissistic wife

Behere — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 20:58:47 GMT

ThanksTonyWK for sharing your experience
The strategies Narcissists use are interesting I feel what unites them is the systematic attempt to undermine your sense of who you are to create confusion, to make you question your motivations to create chaos and confusion because from the chaos they create they can feel they are in control.It feels like your wife wants to punish you with her silence I have also wondered what have I done that you behave like this to me.

There is no answer because you have done nothing it is another way to make you question yourself

I am unsure if narcissistic supply is a form of control .
Thanks for sharing your experience for your wife to remain silent for weeks must be so destructive to your relationship how do your children understand this.

I worry about my daughter I really don’t know what she thinks she protects herself by remaining silent.

My wife uses a different strategy but I think the results are just as destructive so she will continue a monologue talking endlessly about herself until she said something so offensive that I will respond and get drawn into a argument the tone is all ways aggressive

She is a lesson in passive aggression

My daughter eating disorder to me is linked directly to this dynamic. My daughter response is to say if you do not stop talking I will not eat

My daughters whole eating disorder is contained and can be understood in that one sentence.

Re: Narcissistic wife

white knight — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 03:34:05 GMT

I have 2 children my eldest that I'm close to and the younger I dont see at all. This is relevant behere.

I left the family home after a suicide attempt due to the treatment I was getting...1996 after 11 years married. My kids then 7 and 4yo. I hoped that my ex wife would treat the kids well and I had them every second weekend etc. My eldest when she reached 12yo left them and lived with me. I didnt know for some time that her mother treated her the same as she treated me with silence and cruelty. My eldest still visited her mother through my encouragement but at 17yo stopped and I realized why. From then on she didnt contact her mother at all, she's now 36yo and my wife is now "mum".

My youngest? well at 14yo she rang me and told me "I dont want to see you anymore"- devastating words. I continued financial commitments including thousands for her jaw operations/teeth. During her 20's she was treating me like her mother used to. Message me on Facebook, be nice then block me for no reason, as if she was on a fact finding mission. She would never give me her address nor phone number. This was torment and the last time she did that in 2020 after 10 days of promises to start fresh it was the end game for me, it was cruel. I had no option for my sanity but to block her and go no contact. It still is tough but my mental health is the most important.

So my youngest followed her mother in nature, she had her genes and she learned from the master. There is zilch you can do about that. My eldest doesnt have anything to do with her sister either- why? because as children she also put up with her sisters cruelty.

So where are we now? Well considering my mother (dec 2025) and sister are manipulators and triangulators (brings in family members to gang up) I dont see my sister. I dont see my youngest. I have zero contact with their mother. All these non contact people are gone from my life but... I'm etter for it regardless of the sense of loss. As I've previously said, the only sure action you can take against narcissism is separation. The spots wont change. Having these people in society is part of life, nothing you can do about it. The old saying- minimalise the fallout by accepting you have no control over other peoples actions rings true.

I'm enjoying the chat, helpful also to many other readers.

TonyWK

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 03:39:44 GMT

Awesome to see you back posting Behere! I must say i notice a upward inflection in your wording. Little 'right or wrong' rather a shift toward an 'objective' analysis with and open mind. I wrote a 2 page version of this, but suffice it to say you have started a journey to remove negative input from your life. Those negative only hurt you. Keep going!!

Re: Narcissistic wife

Behere — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 21:22:43 GMT

Hi Steve007, TonyWK, and therising

I just wanted to thank you for all your support

It has helped me to know I am not the only person going through this. I will probably never meet you all in person but I feel a real bond with you all. That I am walking down the same path that you have walked down.

I will probably stop posting at least for a while I have a meeting with a couples councillor and need to put into place steps towards seperating from my wife if I can do that while protecting my daughter. It is easy to say that on paper harder to do in reality but that is where my focus is

i need to stop raking over the past and try to forgive but never forget.

I would like to get back to you and have some good news to share but until then thanks again for all your support and kind words

behere

Re: Narcissistic wife

white knight — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 23:01:28 GMT

Great that you've found support here. You are free to come and go, thats the beauty if this site plus this thread helps others that we never know the spread we achieve.

"Knowledge and awareness is the key to confident action"

TonyWK

Re: Narcissistic wife

Steve007 — Tue, 17 Mar 2026 14:00:17 GMT

“Knowledge is power…”
Drop in anytime @behere

stay well
🙏