topic Re: Betrayal and humiliation in Relationship and family issues

Betrayal and humiliation

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 05:21:56 GMT

When we first met, our values and morals were completely aligned. Our relationship felt strong, and we built a life together, raising children, sharing responsibilities, and supporting each other. I became runned down from things happening ,life and we talked about it , i didn’t feel like being intimate for a very long time, only on and offs.

The first serious betrayal happened in September, after a big fight. He had left for a week so we could get space.

Despite that, we continued our relationship. On 26/12, we were intimate. At times, I didn’t want sexual contact because I was tired or exhausted from work, family, and daily life, but I offered other forms of intimacy, which he declined. I felt sad that I couldn’t meet all his needs in the way he wanted, even though I was trying.

Then, a few days later, around 3/1, he went to sexual service again. This was shortly after we had spent time together and had been intimate. I discovered this by accident, and it felt like the trust I had was completely shattered. He admitted what he had done and expressed shame, taking responsibility for his actions, but he also said he didn’t know if he would have stopped if I hadn’t found out. That left me feeling scared that this pattern could continue.

He has said that he wanted closeness and intimacy, but still sought sexual services elsewhere. It’s hard to reconcile that he wanted connection with me but also chose secrecy and actions that hurt me.

We have also discussed how his behavior affects our relationship and the children, though they don’t yet know the details. It’s worrying to think about how this impacts their sense of security and trust. He has started taking on household chores and responsibilities for the kids on his own, which I notice.

After 9 years together, it’s hard to understand why these actions happened now. Our intimacy, values, and life together had been strong. Still, these behaviors emerged under stress, exhaustion, and other pressures, showing that patterns and choices sometimes override intentions.

This is the timeline of what has happened, how I felt, and the steps being taken to address it. I’m sharing this to be honest about the process, the hurt, and the attempts at accountability, while also acknowledging how complicated and confusing it all is.

what would you do?

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Jessica_Cloud — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 23:07:26 GMT

Men need sex for the release, and it’s different for women. You two need to talk about how to fill each other’s need for intimacy (not just sexual intimacy). We all. Have a look into the 5 love languages and see if that helps. At the moment, you are both depleted emotionally and neither of you is filling the other’s tank, emotionally. I think his love language might be physical touch. Yours might be words of affirmation. I don’t know.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Herenow — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 23:07:27 GMT

Hi guest,

Sorry I may not be able to help much. I'm new here and you can read my thread elsewhere on this site. I'm also not sure exactly what other intimacy refers to (cuddles or other sexy activities) so not sure I'm reading your thread correctly. I'm on the opposite side of what's happening to you. It turns out my wife of 15 years has depression. Although I was still getting intimacy (sex) when I pushed hard enough for it you could tell she wasn't that into it. Looking back now I can see its 'obligation sex' - she's just doing it because she had to. Often I had enough and I'd just go and take care of it myself rather than push the issue. However that doesn't really help either as its mentally toxic and having an easy way out is also a way to avoid harder discussions. I regret taking that option every time but I'm stuck in that loop without more intimacy from wife.

I love my wife. I love my kids and family. I've always been very strict in my beliefs of trust, and responsibility and loyalty. But the lack of intimacy is killing me. I see beautiful people all around who look happy and I can't help but wish and dream to be with one. Even if it's just an hour. What is a short time for you might be 10 lifetimes for him. When my wife turns me away, I'm stuck asking is it me? Did I do something? Am I ugly? What did I do? How wonderful must it be to have someone who wants to touch me and play? Someone who tries to hold my hand, someone who says I love you and means it, someone who will dress nicely for me and wear sexy clothes.

I sit here fighting against my morals and beliefs every day. I didn't know life could get so ugly. I'm fighting against the same path your husband took every minute of every day. I don't know who's right anymore. I feel like you need to have a lot more discussions with your husband about this issue because I feel like some parts of where you think you understand each other its probably not an understanding at all. Is the closeness and intimacy you offer the same as the closeness and intimacy he needs? Are you even talking about the same thing? How long is long exactly? For me a week is 2 lifetimes. I can say that lack of intimacy is absolutely 100% destructive to a relationship.

As much as I condemn with your husbands behaviour, I see myself about to end up in the same place. Sorry - I can't help much I can only offer a view from the other side. Good luck.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 01:07:48 GMT

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I genuinely hear the pain and loneliness you’re describing, and I agree that lack of closeness can be very damaging in a long-term relationship.

I also want to clarify my situation a bit, because it’s not quite the same. I have two young children in early primary school. After giving birth, returning to full-time work, and managing most of the daily responsibilities — school routines, sickness, meals, cleaning, and logistics — I was often exhausted. I’ll be honest and say I wasn’t in the headspace for closeness every day. That part is true.

That said, I wasn’t withdrawing completely or shutting him out. I tried to talk about it, suggested getting a babysitter so we could reconnect, and offered closeness at home. We did reconnect at times, including recently.

There was a major fallout in September, and during that time we were living separately for a week or two. During that period, he went twice to this service. While that hurt deeply, I could at least see the context of conflict and distance.

What I’m struggling to understand is January. There were no fights. We had reconnected and been close just a week earlier. Yet he still went again, secretly. That’s what feels shocking and hard to reconcile.

I agree that mismatched needs can create real strain, but I’m trying to understand how this choice fits when closeness had already resumed and things were calmer. If you have insight into that, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing it.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 01:08:54 GMT

I understand the point you’re making, and I agree that men and women can experience closeness and release differently, and that emotional and physical needs both matter in a relationship. I also agree that emotional tanks can get depleted on both sides, especially during stressful seasons.

That said, what I’m struggling with isn’t just a mismatch of love languages or unmet needs. We did talk. I didn’t shut down communication. I suggested ways to reconnect, including childcare so we could focus on each other, and I offered closeness at home. We had been intimate again recently.

What’s difficult to reconcile is that this wasn’t a one-off or only during conflict. It happened multiple times over months, including very recently when there was no fight and closeness had resumed. It was planned and kept secret.

I agree that understanding each other’s needs and love languages is important going forward, but I don’t think it fully explains repeated secret behavior rather than addressing those needs openly within the relationship. That’s the part I’m trying to understand.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Herenow — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 02:06:36 GMT

Hi Tramezzini,

I wish I could provide insight into January. I can't. I don't know how deep the issues run but if they have taken years to build up they will also take a long time to fix. It could be too early to pull the pin based on a single recent incident. Maybe the issue wasn't as resolved as you think it was? Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. I don't know. I think you need to talk more and understand more. Hopefully some deeper discussions and talking will help you find the answers you need. Good luck.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 02:30:29 GMT

Hi Herenow,

I didn’t know about what happened in September until I discovered everything in January. Finding out months later, by accident, changed everything for me. And to be clear, it isn’t just the act itself that feels appalling or shocking — it’s the betrayal, the secrecy, and the deep sense of being humiliated by someone I trusted completely.

He says he kept asking and that he felt rejected, but we did talk about it. I didn’t refuse discussion or pretend nothing was wrong. I acknowledged that I was exhausted and not always in the headspace for closeness, but I also tried to address it. I suggested ways to reconnect, including practical support, and I was clear that if he was genuinely unhappy or felt he couldn’t continue in the relationship, he was free to leave — and then do whatever he wanted.

What hurts most is that instead of making that choice, he stayed, reassured me, and continued to live as a family, while privately doing something that crossed a boundary he knew would destroy my trust. That secrecy is what makes this so painful. It wasn’t honest, and it wasn’t unavoidable.

There are also children in this picture. Every choice affects the safety and stability of their home, even if they don’t know the details. Deception, emotional instability, and broken trust don’t exist in a vacuum — they shape the environment children grow up in. That responsibility makes this feel even heavier.

I can understand loneliness, frustration, and unmet needs. What I’m struggling with is how those feelings turned into repeated hidden behaviour rather than openness, responsibility, or a decision to step away. That choice is what I’m trying to process now.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Mudcakes — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 05:03:40 GMT

It honestly sucks and I can hear the trust is broken. From my understanding, could he not have just pleasured himself? There is no need to hurt you. If he felt he needed it like medically for release he should have spoken to you about it.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 11:02:52 GMT

Mudcake:

i agree. This behaviour is not normal for him. It happened during that bad time- unfortunately once the barrier was passed it was probably easier to go back.. lucky i found out… sometimes i feel like i wish i wouldn’t have found out…

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Herenow — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 12:19:37 GMT

Hi Tramezzini,

I'm sorry you were so hurt - all the best. I don't know the ins and outs of what happened so I couldn't agree or refute what you have said about the situation. However playing the devils advocate probably comes easy to me right now due to my own mind-frame.

It's easy to say; but I think you should cross off humiliation from your list. I don't think he did this deliberately to humiliate you and if this stays between you and him then I think that's different compared to if the whole world knows... He certainly did betray your trust severely and cause massive pain. Ironically - he might have just trying to keep his whole world together in a way that worked as it sounds like he also doesn't want to live without you and the family.

Again - I don't know the truth behind this and I could be completely off target but in your second paragraph: 'discussion'... 'acknowledged'... 'tried to address'... 'suggested'... none of those words sounds like 'sex' to me.

Then you talk about the children. That's a very valid concern and I agree 100% with everything you said. But I didn't get married to come second to my children. I know the french raise their children differently to how we do - basically they just go about their life and kids are expected to tag along. Here we glorify the children and make everything about them. The younger of my children is very gifted at sports - to the point he could easily make a career of it. He also has (undiagnosed) ADHD and anxiety. Somehow the whole house has come to orbit around him. I find myself in 4th priority in the family after 'the king' then the second child, and the wife looking after herself. As I said before - and maybe it was naive but I didn't get married to come last in this household. Then the devil starts speaking to me: 'if she doesn't care why should you?' ' Couldn't you just make both worlds work?' 'Many people take secrets to the grave' 'Will she (or I) really be happier separated or is it better to just find a workaround?' 'Many years ago she did say 'I don't ever want to find out you cheated - how literally does / did she mean that?' 'How will I find money for two households (rather than one)?' 'She'll leave me with the kids - I get no sex, have to deal with the kids, and also how will I work and live? I might as well just call it a day on life before that happens but then I know she can't manage the kids on her own either and I feel sorry for her too.'

Years ago I would have lined up at your house with a pitchfork on your side but now I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm attacking you. I certainly don't mean it that way and I wish you all the best. My only suggestion is to have deep conversations and make sure that the message you received with what he said is the message he was sending when he said it. It's very easy to put your own interpretation on anything said which may vary from what was actually intended.

Somebody above said something about him taking care of himself. I have done that. It's not the same because there's no intimacy. Like any drug you end up needing stronger doses each time for the same kick and I don't like where this is going. It's a dark path and I want to get off it before I go further down this track. It's not the answer.

Any habit can be addictive and he might just be heading down a different dark path and as you said once the barrier is broken its always easier to continue. To get off that path is going to take a lot of effort on your part as well.

Or - he might just be a @#$% and you should just leave.

I don't know. Sorry - good luck.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

Herenow — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 21:33:46 GMT

Hi Tramezzini,

I just woke up with a startling thought and couldn't go back to sleep. 'I hate my wife and also my kids'. I hate her for not being there or caring and being unable to give me what I need. I hate my kids for contributing to the stress. Suddenly my mind has a million extra reasons why I should just go and follow your husbands lead. I'm angry and she deserves it. I'm shocked at myself right now.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 22:58:57 GMT

Herenow- seperate first, then you are free to be with who you want to be.

you will feel worse than now.

all i think of is how this sh** will affect our kids.

my partner feels remorse and said if you did what i did i would leave.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation

therising — Wed, 07 Jan 2026 10:39:14 GMT

Hi tramezzini

I can understand that you'd have so many mixed emotions, from a sense of hope when it comes to the relationship reforming in more conscious ways through to a sense of hopelessness when discovering the betrayals. Then there's all the other emotions or feelings that must be tearing you apart in a number of ways. My heart goes out to you as you try to gain a sense of the best way forward not just mentally but emotionally too.

I imagine if my husband and I were in a similar situation that I'd be demanding he be honest with me and himself. I'd perhaps be questioning along the lines of 'What led you to seek excitement somewhere else instead of looking for every possible way to excite us and our relationship? What do you feel or experience emotionally when you go there, when it comes to the high you're after and do you think you've actually become addicted to that high? If you've become an addict, how are you going to address the addiction, especially if simply resisting it just isn't enough to completely stop you?'. I'd have a whole stack of questions beyond these, perhaps with the number one question being 'What was it exactly that led you to betray me in order to serve yourself time and time again?'. If my husband's response to a lot of the questions was 'I don't know', my response to that would be 'Part of your role in this relationship is to become more conscious. I can't tolerate a relationship where my partner refuses to become more conscious or more aware. This just leaves me with someone who's happy to remain half asleep'. I suppose the goal would be about beginning the marriage again on a whole new level of consciousness, as opposed to continuing with it on the same old disappointing, heartbreaking, depressing, stressful semi conscious level.

As a 55yo gal, it's only in recent years that I've come to see sex as something that involves emotion or energy in motion (that you can feel building up and moving through you). The thing is there has to be some energy there to begin with. While some may say it's all about chemistry (hormones and all that kind of stuff), I more so like to consider it from the natural energy viewpoint. If next to no energy or serious exhaustion of energy is something we can feel as 'numb', how can our partner expect us to go from zero or numb to super excited in a matter of minutes? If we are feeling what 'numb' feels like, it would be nice to think our partner would research extensively 'What creates a spark in someone who's so exhausted or numb that they just can't feel much at all?'. Could take hours or days or even weeks of solid wondering and research or they could go off and experience excitement for themself. The choice is to serve our partner and our relationship or serve ourself. When I mentioned earlier about insisting my husband would be honest with himself, I would question 'Honestly, was it easier to serve yourself than it was to wonder and research extensively in regard to what would come to ignite passion between the 2 of us?'. While you have seriously wondered (through considering someone to mind the kids, for example), he perhaps needs to step up his game.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation

tramezzini — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 01:25:27 GMT

Thanks for your reply therising

it really helps to just write it out. Honestly, it all feels like a blur right now. We’re both in our late 30s, have small kids, and life has been non-stop. I know I haven’t always been into intimacy or wanted it as much, but that’s partly because of everything else — work, the kids, house, all the logistics.

Our communication has been really bad because of stress. We talk, but sometimes it feels like he isn’t really listening. He has always said he loves me and has been affectionate, which is why this betrayal is so shocking. The secret, repeated behaviour hit so hard because it came even when things seemed okay between us. I honestly don’t know how I can move on, and I haven’t even thought about what I’d do if it doesn’t work out. I feel so sorry for the kids — they don’t know anything, and I just want to protect them.

I have told him what I need to start rebuilding trust: full honesty and transparency, taking consistent responsibility for the household and the children without me asking, and communicating openly about feelings without blaming me. These are things he has agreed to do, and some he has already started, but I need consistency.

We’ve decided to do couples therapy, no matter what happens with our marriage. It’s more for the kids and to figure out how to be together for them, even if we aren’t married. I’m trying to figure out how to rebuild trust and feel safe again.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation

randomxx — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 03:21:46 GMT

Hi op and l'm sorry for things happening.

Just wondering though , that last post and through some others, were all about you and what you need and he has to do this has to do that. l know he's the one that's gone of track but there must've been things missing for him too, to even do that and more than just sexual l'd say, he's needing things too.

l hope you can both get to counseling and they can help you both wade through things but l also hope things can be out about what you both need and what he needs from you too and again there'd be more to it than just the sexual is my guess.

l hope you can both work it out though and l also really admire you wanting to get past all this and hopefully save your family to as one.

Good luck with everything

Re: Betrayal and humiliation

tramezzini — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 22:23:51 GMT

Thank you for your kind words. I agree that both people’s needs matter, and I don’t believe this is only about sex. I know there were things missing for him too — exhaustion, stress, communication issues, and disconnection on both sides.

Right now though, the betrayal is very recent and my focus is on rebuilding basic safety and trust. That’s why it may sound like it’s about what I need at the moment.

We are going to counselling, and I fully expect that we will explore both of our needs there, including what he needs from me and what was missing in our relationship. I want us to do this properly — not just patch things up, but really understand what went wrong for both of us.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation

therising — Fri, 09 Jan 2026 07:57:14 GMT

Hi tramezzini

It sounds like you're gradually finding the way forward. I'm hoping counseling can help make the path even clearer for the both of you. When looking back and looking forward in a relationship there can be times where we can be left to wonder 'How the heck did we get to this point and where the heck are we heading?'. It can make living in the now pretty challenging, that's for sure. When it comes to that path, especially with looking back, randomxx mentions something important. How that path looked for both you and your husband may look very different in some ways. It will be interesting to gain each other's perspective through counseling, perhaps helping things to become clearer. Looking forward will be the same I imagine. What you see as a constructive way forward may differ in some ways from what he sees as constructive. Finding the middle way, what works for the both of you, will definitely present some challenge. I've found that rising to certain challenges not only helps in the way of self development or personal evolution, it also helps reveal to ourself who we truly are at times. It's like through the hard work of facing grief can we find how deeply we're capable of loving. Through the hard work of facing a sense of betrayal can we find how deeply we actually did feel a connection we had with someone. Deep dives can reveal so much. They can be so surprising.

When people speak of the hard work in raising kids, they don't always factor in a part of that hard work involving keeping the parents' relationship healthy. This is something you sound incredibly conscious of. What you face is so complex, with so many factors involved. Finding the best guide/s who can help us see the way forward is what can fill our imagination with imagery that can both serve and inspire us. Not being able to see or only being able to see what's painful, stressful or depressing can feel like a form of torture at times.

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Thu, 15 Jan 2026 12:59:00 GMT

In the last week I finally felt like things were improving. I even wanted intimacy again because he seemed to be trying — but it only lasted a few days before the old patterns returned.

He forgets what he has done and what we discussed, especially after we are intimate. It feels like after sex, everything is reset for him and the past issues disappear — but for me, they are still very real and unresolved.

When I express that I’m upset, he often:

Yells at me
Calls me over-emotional
Blames me for arguing
Sends me away or walks off

Recently he told me to “take my space and calm down,” which feels like dismissal rather than empathy. When I try to explain how his actions hurt me, he says I “make an issue out of nothing” and suggests I should have just asked how his day was. When I said I’m upset because he’s been late coming home two days in a row — leaving me to juggle household responsibilities and responsibilities with the kids — he told me I react in “this way and worse” and that this is “the flaw in our relationship.” He even said that if I “can’t have it my way then it’s worth nothing to me.”

At one point he said he might want to find another woman to have children with — something that broke me inside, because hearing that felt like a threat and a rejection.

Now he also doesn’t want to continue or even start couples therapy, even though we never really got there. He says it “doesn’t matter” if we try to fix things.

He told me to stop talking to him, and when I try to shift the focus to something practical like planning our kid’s birthday in a few days, he refuses to engage.

I am heartbroken, not just because of the betrayal, but because of the lack of care, the emotional dismissal, and the patterns that keep repeating. I trusted him — truly — and I believed we could work through challenges together. But it feels like my needs, feelings, and emotional safety are ignored or minimized. He said do you blame me for going to other women?

I don’t want abuse, I don’t want blame, I don’t want to be called crazy for how I feel. I want honesty, accountability, respect, and a partner who remembers what he promises, follows through on commitments, and can stay present in uncomfortable conversations without yelling or shutting down.

I’m posting this because I’m hurt, confused, and unsure what to do next. Financially and with the house and my small kids that i take care of

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

therising — Sat, 17 Jan 2026 06:05:17 GMT

Hi tramezzini

He sounds largely self serving. This is not a criticism merely an observation, based on what you've mentioned. It serves him to not discuss things, it serves him to not address your pain, it serves him to not take the responsibility you want him to take, it serves him to not go to couples therapy, it serves him to not want to have to plan stuff for the kids and the list goes on. For some people, they may admit they didn't realise the level of self development involved in being married and having kids. They didn't realise there was so much challenge and ongoing hard work in some cases. It may get to a point where they just want to start doing what's easiest for them. If it serves them to become emotionally disconnected or shut down, for whatever reason, this is what they'll do because that's what's easiest.

I think the hardest part of managing all that is being the person who's left to pick up the pieces, being the person who's left to do everything that's not easy or far from easy. My heart goes out to you as you now face what's far from easy. You could stay together and accept living with someone who's become largely self serving or move forward in life in ways the begin to serve you. Both scenarios involve what's far from easy. I feel for you so much. I'm wondering whether you have a good support network around you, including friends and family. You'd need others around you serving you. A circle of 'go to' people could include someone to support and guide you through what's entailed in separation, someone who can help support and guide you emotionally, someone to help support and guide you in managing your children's lives, someone to help guide and support you in beginning to love yourself more in a variety of different ways that feel liberating and strengthening etc etc. I've found one of the most important types of people to have in my life is a seer, someone who can help me see the way forward in the ways that I need to when I feel completely lost and alone in the dark. Just as important is being able to recognise those who are only prepared to see for themself and what serves them. They typically don't make great 'go to' people or guides for others, which is a good reason to not go to them for guidance and support. ❤️

Re: Betrayal and humiliation massage parlour happy ending

tramezzini — Sat, 17 Jan 2026 09:51:42 GMT

appreciate your post.

i am all alone

i have no one.

we will see

i will go to therapy, and maybe he will realise.

he is disconnected because unfortunately thats how he was raised with disconnect

i am seeing more in other couples the same unfortunately