topic Re: Verbally Abusive Mother in Relationship and family issues

Verbally Abusive Mother

Dawnii — Fri, 05 Sep 2025 07:49:03 GMT

Hello I'm Dawn and I think I have a verbally abusive mother. She says it's 'tough love' but she has been constantly critisizing me and calling me really mean things. Like: " you're so lazy'" and "you're such a pig", etc. I really need help as soon as I can.

Re: Verbally Abusive Mother

Croix — Fri, 05 Sep 2025 12:48:25 GMT

Dear Dawn~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. It was a good move on your part as you can get the views of others, which might well help.

Parents hold a special place in their children's hearts and their actions can have deep and sometime not intended results. My parents pretended to love me then threw me out becuse I disagreed with them. That had sat with me for a very long time.

I know your situation is diffent from mine, however the effect on you of your parent's 'tough love' may hurst just as deep. To be fair it may be well meant, with a desire for you to end up with the best life possible, however it's backfired and really should stop.

Do you think this might be the case?

Do you think you could persuade your mother to try anther method? Many parents find the best results come from praise rahter than criticism. Makes everyone happy. If you reflect on your like I'm sure like most peole you will find things you do well and can get satisfaction from.

If you do not think you are the right person to talk to your mother about this is there anyone else in your life that can take your side and explain matters to her?

I'm guessing you are under 25 -my apologies if not- and could get in contact with the Kid's Help Line which is pretty knowledgeable about family situations like this. They can understand and give good advice.

If I've guessed wrong and you are older then I'd suggest our own 24/7 help line.

All this is of course only one possibility, perhaps you would like to come back and talk more

Croix

Re: Verbally Abusive Mother

Dawnii — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 00:30:47 GMT

Hey Croix!

I tried the method you reccommended to me, it didn't seem to work as well as we thought...

I was wondering if you had any other suggestions? My mother keeps critisizing me calling me those names and it doesn't seem to stop. If you could provide more ideas that would be great, thank you.

Dawn

Re: Verbally Abusive Mother

Croix — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 11:15:32 GMT

Dear Dawnii~

I'm sorry it did not work, it seemed fair to give your mum a chance to realize the damage she was doing you, sadly it's not tough love, it is abuse.

It it just you and your mum at home or is there anyone else who will stick up for you? You do need an ally, so you get to see that your mum is plain wrong. Sometimes that can be hard to realize by oneself and one thinks the criticisms are partly your fault, not the case.

There are things you are interested in and enjoy in life, try to follow these , you are entitled to, and use these to break away from the mindset of self blame constant criticism promotes.

Walking in another room when abused that way may help explaining you are not going to be treated that way, however often the person just follows and one is no better off

I'm afraid I have to repeat my suggestion of the the Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800 by phone is the best alternative and they can counsel and give advice. Explain what's happening and see what they say.

Incidental I said phone becuse even if it seems harder to do you get longer and better talks than you do if you just texted.

If you would like to let me know how you go I'd be very pleased

Croix

Re: Verbally Abusive Mother

therising — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 05:28:54 GMT

Hi Dawn

There can definitely be a fine line between tough love and abuse and some parents aren't always conscious when they've crossed it. Being a parent myself (Mum to a 20yo son and 22yo daughter) there are times when my kids will raise my consciousness in regard to how they need to be raised. Btw, raising people is the opposite to bringing them down or putting them down.

While tough love may resemble

'Get out of bed now! Take responsibility for your life and manage your time. If you need help with that, I can help. In the meantime...get up right now!' or
'There's no more sitting around eating rubbish! You're to develop and eating plan and work on increasing your energy levels' If you need help with that, I can help. Now, stop eating rubbish!'

Abuse can resemble

'You're lazy!', with no plan at all to help manage avoidance, a lack of direction or structure, exhaustion or whatever it is leading someone to laze a little to much for their own good
'You're such a pig!' or reference to any other farm animal is in no way productive or constructive. Having no plan in place to help change eating habits or to help become more conscious of the reasons for their existence (such as emotional eating) isn't constructive either

Some parents don't particularly like having the obvious stated to them, such as 'You do realise that you putting me down isn't actually helping me. What do you imagine would be helpful instead. What do you imagine, if you were my guide, would be of greatest guidance to me in my life right now?'. We parents can be stretched to develop the visionary in us, the part of us that requires great levels of imagination be accessed. There are times when we parents can be a little lazy with our imagination and giving it a really good workout for the sake of our kids. I think we're not always entirely conscious either, in regard to how lost or lacking in direction or motivation our kids can really be. Sometimes it needs to be pointed out to us by them.

Imagine your path in life, with its twists and turns, valleys and mountains, brilliant points and occasional dark ones or stressful ones etc. It's a path that weaves its way through the landscape known as our life. We can either have people sitting us on a rock on the side of that path, as they wave their finger at us disapprovingly while telling us what a bad job we're doing navigating OR we can have those who help us get back on track while they shed some light on things, while also guiding us in the best and most inspiring direction.