need help apologising to an ex friend

booga — Thu, 02 Oct 2025 18:18:01 GMT

almost a year ago, a friend and i fell out and had an argument. we havent talked in nearly a year, n this past year ive realised how bad of a friend ive been to him (ive said awful things to him, treated him unfairly etc) however, im not interested in going back to being friends with him because at times hes made me feel uneasy.

now, this isnt to say im a victim, if anything i was worse to him than he was to me, and i dont really want to repeat the things ive said to him because it disgusts me how i behaved to him.

to the point, im afraid to apologise. i want to be better and the first step is to apologise to those ive wronged. however, i dont know how he'll react to it, and i struggle with paranoia and a particular worry i have is that he'll hurt me if i apologise (i doubt he will but again, paranoia)

i have the apology written as a draft on my old school email, but im scared to click send. i just want this niggling guilt off my shoulders and i dont know if hes moved on or not and if i should just let it be

Re: need help apologising to an ex friend

white knight — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 01:48:31 GMT

Hi, welcome

"Niggling guilt" is the right description. Guilt in my opinion is a serious problem. I once hurt a room mate of mine in 1976 yes a long time ago and I had apologised to him just after that but he rejected it. When Facebook started up about 15 years ago I searched and found that he lived overseas and sent him a message. He didnt respond but he did block me. So it had been 34 years since I had seen him and my guilt continued. So what did I do?

I selected 3 close friends and shared it with them over coffee. Each one of them said they would have given up after the first time and moved on. This told me that on average most people didnt act like I did and hold onto it. That having done so it effected my own mental health.

In your case you havent apologised. This is important as a single step. So, in general I dont like the idea of apologising by letter/text/email as it doesnt reflect courage. It's tough but on the phone or face to face is the more ethical way. It is also good to acknowledge that your friendship isnt what you seek and you are prepared to be distant.

So if you do choose to say sorry by letter make it very short- something like this- "Hi ..... (name), I've reflected a lot on my own behaviour towards you some time ago and I want to apologise for hurting you. It wasnt right. I dont expect any reconnection but as a human I think I can do better. I wish you well. Kind regards .....(your name).

Any additional information is asking for trouble as a solid reaction isnt the purpose. Then you can bump into each other and chat casually.

I hope that works.

TonyWK

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need help apologising to an ex friend

Re: need help apologising to an ex friend