topic Re: Finally breaking free after 25 years but it still hurts in Relationship and family issues

Finally breaking free after 25 years but it still hurts

Kazza — Fri, 11 Jul 2025 23:13:03 GMT

Hi everyone,

I’ve never posted before, but I’ve been reading here quietly for a while. Seeing how others put words to their experiences has helped me feel less alone. So I guess it’s my turn now — to share a little of mine.

I’ve recently separated after 25 years in a relationship that I can now see was emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive. It took me decades to wake up. I kept hoping things would change. I kept telling myself it wasn’t “that bad.” But the truth is… it was slowly destroying me. And it started showing in my children too — their confidence fading, fear creeping into their daily lives, and me watching helplessly while trying to hold everything together.

I was the primary carer, but he always held the power — emotionally and financially. My father had supported us for years, and once that money ran out, I saw the truth of how I was viewed. The love disappeared. The respect, gone. What followed was coldness, control, and cruelty masked in “reasonable” words.

After the AVO was issued by police, I hoped he might reflect or take accountability — but instead, things got worse behind the scenes. I’m now going through mediation and hoping to create a safe path forward for my kids. I’ve been listening to Dr. Ramani and learning about narcissistic abuse — it's helped so much. But I’m also struggling with guilt. Guilt that I stayed. Guilt that my kids had to live through this. Guilt that I didn’t see it sooner.

I’m working through Centrelink, Legal Aid, and trying to find a trauma-informed therapist. Some days I feel strong and hopeful. Other days, I feel completely broken.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Maybe just connection. Maybe to hear from others who’ve walked this path. How do you rebuild when so much of your identity was wrapped in surviving? How do you stop feeling like you were the one who failed? Thanks for reading. It feels scary to post this, but also like a small act of reclaiming my voice.

Re: Finally breaking free after 25 years but it still hurts

indigo22 — Sat, 12 Jul 2025 08:24:55 GMT

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for finding the courage to reach out to us.

I first want to say, there isn't a person on the planet that hasn't made a mistake or an unfortunate choice, it is how we learn and grow, so you are definitely not alone and you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you had become aware sooner, you would have done something sooner. There is no point in beating yourself up over something you weren't aware of at the time. When we know better, we do better. None of us are perfect so please try to be kind to yourself and give yourself the love and acceptance you deserve.

It's never easy to walk away from a marriage. I did it too many, many years ago and it took quite a long time to get over the hurt, but you will come to terms with it in time. In the meantime, immerse yourself in things you like to do, learn a new skill just because you want to, spend time with your children cultivating a new found relationship that is based in safety and love, not fear.

I have a sister who is a narcissist and is the only family member I have left. After the rest of the family was gone, I chose to move and not leave any clue of where I was going and life is so much more peaceful as a result of that decision. My point is, sometimes you need to put yourself first regardless of the ties. You were born to live a life that makes you feel safe, happy and peaceful. There is more than enough angst in the world without turning it on ourselves as well.

I hope this helps a little. Please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish to.

Take good care of yourself and your children,

indigo

Re: Finally breaking free after 25 years but it still hurts

Kazza — Sun, 13 Jul 2025 01:26:39 GMT

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for your reply, it meant more than you know.

It’s strange how a message from a stranger can feel so comforting, like someone truly gets it without needing every detail. I’ve read your words a few times now, especially the part about “when we know better, we do better.” I think that’s something I need to hear over and over because even though I know it logically, the guilt still creeps in. I kept trying to protect my kids, but sometimes I still feel like I failed them.

Your story about walking away and your sister really hit me. I’ve had to let go of people too, even though it felt unnatural. It’s true what you said: we all deserve peace, and I think I’m only just starting to believe that includes me.

I’m still in the thick of it, legally, emotionally, financially but this post felt like a small reclaiming. And your kindness helped me feel less alone in that. I thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write back with so much empathy and care.

Wishing you continued peace and thank you again for shining some light on this path.

Kazza

Re: Finally breaking free after 25 years but it still hurts

indigo22 — Sun, 13 Jul 2025 04:07:51 GMT

Hi Kazza,

I am glad I was able to help you feel a little better.

I have a couple of suggestions whilst you are in the thick of it.

Write things on a post-it note that you resonate with and stick them on your mirror or somewhere you will see them often to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.

Centrelink have free social workers you can access while you are looking for a therapist and the helplines are always available. One I would recommend for you is 1800Respect as they deal with domestic violence on a daily basis. Even if there was no physical harm, there was psychological harm done. Their number is 1800 737 732.

I will be here any time you want to talk, just reply to this post and I will get back to you as soon as I am able.

Lastly, can I suggest having a heart to heart with your children. Let them know how you feel about what has transpired and that you feel you have failed them. Ask them if they feel they have the capacity to forgive you.

I have no doubt that they understand more than you think they do about the situation you were all in. If they are able to love and forgive you, you must also love and forgive yourself.

Be well,

indigo 💜