topic Re: Passive Aggressive Friend in Relationship and family issues

Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Tue, 29 Oct 2024 22:59:10 GMT

My friend has been depressed lately, while Ive been sick, and while Ive tried to be there for them despite my own limitations, theyve been controlling and passive aggressive lately and Im finding it hard to cope.

They keep saying everything is fine when I ask if theyre upset with me, but almost every conversation we have they drop some hint theyre mad at me or judging me in some way. (Often about how I manage money, my time, or my health.)

But theyre also sneaky about it in a way I cant call them out on it without them being able to deny it.

They also compete with me by suggesting their problems are worse than mine, or complain when I can do something they cant. Usually to invalidate the things Im going through or to suggest their needs are more important than mine.

And finally, theres a hobby they love and every chance they get they try to convince me to do it with them. Usually I try to put some time aside to do just that but lately Ive been sick so havent been able to join them. It takes a lot of energy.
But now if I do anything else, they make a comment about it (aka you cant be that sick if you can do that) or insult it (insinuate its no good and they wouldnt do it), and then bring up their hobby again (aka if your well to do that then do this with me.) Its unfair because the things Im doing are chores/needs, and the few things I do that are fun are way less difficult and take less time than their hobby. Its just little things to pass the time while sick. Im not avoiding their hobby, its just too hard for me right now!
But honestly, even when we do their hobby (I often push myself), they then sometimes make comments that Im enjoying it wrong too, so I really cant win anyway!

All and all, I dont know how to cope with this. I really wish theyd just talk to me outright so we can figure out a compromise or I can stand up for myself at least.
Ive tried to gently bring it up so as not to cause a fight, but when I do, they deny it or say they didnt mean it that way. So it doesnt work.

And unfortunately because they make comments so often, Im paranoid at everything they say now. I think, is this another hint? Is this about me? Are they mad again? I dont even know anymore! I never used to feel this anxious talking to them. It used to be easy. And now I think, how can I can I confront them if I doubt myself? If I dont know if it is always about me?

And the worst part, despite the fact their my best friend... lately I havent been wanting to talk to them, or hang out with them. Not out of spite, but because their comments make me so stressed, I dont have fun anymore. I feel controlled and bullied. I admittedly, want to avoid them and I feel like a jerk for it.

So is there a way to confront them on this because I dont know how, Im so scared that if I confront them more aggressively on this, their going to hate me and deny it again anyway. But if I dont, I worry Ill destroy our friendship anyway because Im withdrawing more and more, and I think its only making them angrier. But what can I do, they wont talk to me about it!? Can I fix this at all?

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 14:07:36 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum and I think if you look around you might find others in similar situations where one person is trying to control and belittle another.

Frankly I think you are asking the wrong question, it is not "Can I fix this at all" but should be "Can my friend fix it all" as they are the ones that are generating all the trouble. If their behavior has gotten so bad you are actually avoiding contact then one would have to ask are they a "friend " at all?

In true friendship one person looks out for the welfare of the other and tried to smooth their path though life, the same is matched by the other person. This does not sound at a all like the relationship you are having with this person. Even worse it is making you feel guilty and inadequate.

Feeling guilty and inadequate I've found in my own case, -and that of others here, is a human trait where if one is treated badly over time one tends to regard it as one's own fault - a completely wrong if common idea.

You are only being sensible to avoid someone who makes you feel bad - it is up to them to make you feel better.

Although difficult may I suggest you do not regard them as your best friend, also that if the relationship is to improve they are the ones that have to do the heavy lifting and change their behaviour.

May I ask if the is someone in you life who is on your side? A family member or friend perhaps whom you can talk with frankly and say what is happening and how you feel. The do not have to 'fix' anything, just listen and show they care. Trying to cope with all this while it is your 'best freind' that is damaging you is extra hard.

If you need an outside perspective why not give 1800RESPECT a ring or text, they are the experts in controlling situations and are a comfort, easy to deal with and give good advice

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 02:04:27 GMT

Thanks for your reply.

The thing is we used to have a really good friendship where I thought we could be honest and open, and gave each other support. But they came off some antidepressants, and its like their entire attitude has changed.

I no longer feel like I can talk to them about anything because its always laced with passive aggression and controlling comments, and it feels like they generally dont care about my well being or interests. They still say the usual nice things, but its coupled with anger and spiteful comments, so it doesnt feel legit anymore.

I told myself too that this aggression was just because they were depressed and to let it go until they got it sorted, but some of the things theyve been saying makes me think theyve been hiding a lot of resentment towards me for a long time and lying to me about it. That things were never actually good, they were just saying whatever I wanted to hear and then hating me behind my back. Since they came off their meds, its out in the open, and it hurts so much to hear.

And because of that, I no longer know where I stand with them. Even if they stopped being abusive to me, then theyre just going to start lying to me again. How can I build a friendship on that? How can I trust them?

And thats why Im reluctant to talk to them too, I know their just going to say what I want to hear, and I wont get anywhere.
But even if they do talk about it, a lot of their newly admitted opinions they have about me, upsets me, and makes me question if I want to be friends. They seem to look down on me a lot and I had no idea until now. Is there anything they can say thats going to make that any better?

Also this new control thing, telling me what I can and cant like. I dont want to be friends with someone who doesnt care about my needs and interests, and only theirs! What happened to us being equals? I dont even want to talk to them about my life now, because I cant trust any positive thing they say, and the negative stuff hurts.

Sorry Im on a tangent, but your right, I dont think this is something I can fix, this is something they need to. I cant have a real friendship with someone who refuses to be upfront and honest with me.
I guess Im in a bit of denial, their my closest friend, or so I thought. Now I dont know what to think. It just sucks when everything is amazing one moment, and then falls apart the next.

I might call that number, because I dont have other friends and family I can talk to about this. We do have one friend in common who might relate, but I feel Id be going behind their back doing that. I should really try to talk to them myself first I think. I dont want to be a jerk even though Im hurt.

But thanks, I think I needed a nudge to realized that no, its not normal to feel this miserable talking to your friend. There is something wrong, and its not okay.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 12:01:51 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I guess the thing you need to find out is if their current behaviour is due to withdrawal from a medication they actually needed, or if in fact bullying, controlling and disparaging you is their normal nature

I have been on meds that did change my nature, though in my case to a more aggressive one, and when I ceased them I return to how I was before.

It can be just about impossible to put to one side memories of all the good things that have happened in the past, but unhappily the situation has completely changed and it does not look like you have a friend now, just a source of worry and hurt.

Have you made any decision or plans about what you are going to do?

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Sat, 02 Nov 2024 03:22:00 GMT

Yeah thats true. Ive come off meds and been absolutely awful, so I know what its like to be on the other side of that too. And if thats the case, while I cant let them treat me bad every time they have a bad day, I do hope we can figure out a way for us both to cope. If not, then we may not get along in future.

Anyway for now I told them the truth, that I felt they were being passive aggressive and its upsetting me, that I dont know how to talk to them about it right now, and so I need some space for a bit to clear my head and that wed talk about it seriously later once I feel Im in a headspace I can deal with it.

Because I think right now, Im just feeling really hurt and I think itd make it hard for me to sort it out without getting anxious or being dramatic. If I walk away for a bit, I can calm down, look at things reasonably, and then maybe we can have a proper talk about it and sort it out. I dont want to lose them as a friend, because they are usually awesome and Id hate to lose that, but I dont want to feel attacked and judged either. So while I take some time to myself, Im going to figure out my own boundaries and how I feel, and how we can work it out if we can.

But thanks for talking me through this, its helped. Im not always good at coping with conflict, my anxiety always gets the better of me and makes it harder. But I feel I have a plan now, so gunna do my best to sort it out.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Sun, 03 Nov 2024 11:32:32 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

That sounds like a very sensible plan. You do not want to lose them but cannot put up with bad treatment - what could be more reasonable? You know yourself and if you have to try to argue or explain without preparations emotion may well take over, so a plan is a good way of overcoming this.

It also gives you friend a chance both to see how serious the situation has become and also reflect on how their actions and words have made this happen.

I hope this works and you come to some agreement, I guess in part it depends upon the degree of affection each of you has for the other - it has to be a partnership, not one-sided.

If you wanted to say how you went that would be great

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Thu, 30 Jan 2025 18:53:22 GMT

I figured Id give an update... sorry its been a while.

After a break I did confront them on things. Their response was basically "I wasnt doing it, and even if I was, its your fault for taking it personally/getting offended." The irony is they kept defending against things I hadnt even mentioned yet, so they certainly knew what they were doing.

Eventually I gave the ultimatum of, if you do it again, we wont be friends. And they agreed they would "be careful not to say the wrong thing" in future. And it did stop, for a time.

Anyway, I think I think I found out why they started acting different with hints they gave (though I could be wrong). It seems they have a love for a specific media, which I do not share. They were jealous that I liked a different media, and wanted to make me hate the one I liked, and like their thing. But it didnt work, and when it didnt work, they got mad at me, and started making personal attacks. Until I called them out for being passive aggressive.

So now we are here... well, theyve since hinted that I was their "favourite friend" and then started talking about some other friend, whom I presume has replaced me as their favourite? I honestly dont care, but they bring them up in a way that makes me think theyre trying to make me jealous? Which is dumb. Im not.

But the more annoying thing is, the media I like has topics about discrimination... and my friend has decided that in order to prove my thing sucks, they approve of being discriminating now. Which ironically, insults me too, as Im one of the marginalized groups its about. I dont think they realized.

So I called them out on being discriminating, and they tried to convince me its good to be discriminating. When that didnt work, they said they have to be discriminating, because their friend is. Which I also didnt accept.

And now their sulky and angry again. And Im getting sick of it.

I think the most uncomfortable thing about all this is, is its starting to feel less about media, and more about them wanting something I cant give. You see, Im aroace, I dont do relationships, Ive told them as much... and Im starting to think maybe, theyre not coping with that. Its almost like they wanted me to share in their favourite media as a way to be closer to me, and are now getting mad because I didnt want to. I might be wrong, but it sure feels like thats whats happening.

And ironically, its going to destroy our friendship as a result. Because honestly, Im getting a bit done with being controlled and insulted.

So yep... thats how thats going I guess.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 12:17:29 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

Welcome back. I'm afraid in the intervening period things have not gone well with that circle of people, and in fact it sounds like a lot of guesswork on your part together with a lack of cooperation on theirs (sorry to be blunt)

I guess maybe the best way to start is to consider what makes up a true freind. It does not need to have anything to do with sex, and can start wiht acquaintanceship and lead on to being comfortable with someone, and being able to trust they will do thier best for you -in hte same way you do your best for them. You do not have to live in each others pockets.

It does not involve guesswork, as realy that should be reduced by honest talk. I've no idea what theymean by discriminating, it is very easy to say that precludes aorace persons, Then it may mean the opposite, they are discriminating enough to see the real you . As I said it is a maze of guesswork and that is no help.

I also find anyone that turns the blame back -"it's your fault you feel this way" to be shallow and non empathetic.

Do you think it might be a good time to step back and see if all this is worth it? Maybe it might be possible to find other people as you go though life who are happy to accept your aorace and not have unrealistic expectations? In fact do you have anyone like this now to lend you support?

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Sat, 01 Feb 2025 06:20:20 GMT

(Sorry my last post was poorly written. Im trying to be vague so they dont know I wrote it if they find it online but now I realize some parts dont make a lot of sense.)

But your right, I basically got no answers as to why they started acting like that, and now Im just guessing. Which just isnt good. And at any rate, their still acting out, and its neither fun nor fair that I have to put up with them randomly getting angry and rude to me.

Even if Im right about why, I cant do anything to work it out with them if they wont talk about it.

I guess Im wondering now whether to dial our friendship back to just being acquaintances, so that if they ever decide to finally talk about it, they can reach out. Or just cutting my losses and telling them Im done.

Weve been friends many years so it would suck to lose them, but at the same time, the things theyve done have been very nasty, and I just dont know if that can be undone. So I guess I got some thinking to do.

At any rate, thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Eagle Ray — Sat, 01 Feb 2025 07:32:58 GMT

Hello AnotherRandomUser and wave to Croix,

I can relate to aspects of your experience with your friend as I had some similar friendships in the past. In fact the dynamic with my best friend from high school was quite similar. It took me a long time to fully identify I wasn’t being treated well at times and then a lot longer before I finally disengaged from the friendship (many years after finishing high school in fact).

What I have learned over the years is that with a really genuine friend you won’t feel uneasy in the relationship. They do not compete with you and do not get jealous of you. They are genuinely happy when things go well for you just as you are for them, and genuinely concerned for you when you aren’t going well just as you are for them.

Everything you describe does not sound like a healthy, supportive relationship. After spending time with a genuine friend you will feel nourished by it. You won’t be trying to figure out and question what’s happening. It does sound like a difficult situation and your efforts to communicate have not been met with understanding and empathy, as Croix has also identified.

So I do wonder if taking some space from this person is a good idea. It took me a long term to do that with people as I was such an agreeable, accommodating person even when I wasn’t being treated well. But now I have stepped away from several unhealthy friendships life is so much better. I have just a very small number of absolutely lovely friends who are extremely easy to be with. We respect one another with gentleness and kindness. I found that letting go of that which isn’t healthy enabled much more time and energy for healthy connections.

Those are just my thoughts in response to your posts. You sound like a lovely and considerate person who deserves a lovely and considerate friend who is as respectful to you as you are to them.

Kind wishes,

Eagle Ray

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 08:02:07 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray.

Thanks for your message, thats reassuring to hear honestly as I do doubt myself. Though I am sorry you went through something similar.

They used to be someone who was supportive and easy to talk to, but something changed, and now its like they resent me and are trying to bully me in to being who they want, and then punish me when I wont/cant. I grieve for the fact its not like how it used to be, but I know I cant make it go back to how it was, so its up to me to make a choice. It really hurts though.

Things might be ending anyway though, we had to leave a website we normally talk on (due to political changes), and when deciding on where to go to next, they avoided making a decision and shut down on me. I feel this might be a sign their trying to end our friendship, but instead of being upfront, their blocking me out.
It hurts because I still have no idea why they are acting like this. I know I might have to end our friendship anyway because of how Im being treated, but I wish I at least knew why theyre so resentful. Why this is happening at all.

But I guess I cant force them to tell me, so I'm going to have to accept things arent working and move on. Im scared to be without them I admit, and I'll really miss the good moments. I wish things were different. But holding on when they treat me bad isnt good, so it might be it I think. Im going to try to talk to them when Im brave enough to, and just say its not working.

Still I hope they find people who do make them happy, and I hope I do too. I dont hate them, I just dont want to be hurt anymore.

Anyway sorry Im rambling a lot, but thanks for the support. It gives me the courage to figure myself out, so I appreciate it.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Eagle Ray — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 12:16:56 GMT

Hi AnotherRandomUser,

I do understand about the feelings of loss and grief with the friendship, especially if the nature of it has changed but there are happy, shared memories from the past. I felt that way with my best friend from high school. Eventually the pendulum swung too far in the direction of it being difficult and the situation was hurting me enough that I just didn’t want to go on with it.

There’s still the option of trying to get to the bottom of why they’re behaving as they are. But, as you have mentioned, they might keep evading or denying that they’re behaving a certain way. My friend was like that and would adamantly state she wasn’t doing the very behaviour she was, and she’d do this with anyone who observed her behaviour and mentioned it to her.

Yes, letting them know it’s not working is your honest reality and perhaps then you can have extended space from the person. You can see how you feel having a break from them and whether you want to permanently disengage or whether there’s any hope for the friendship. I’d say it does come down to the other person taking responsibility for behaviour which to date doesn’t seem to have happened. Otherwise it’s just going to be you trying to deal honestly and constructively with the friendship while they exhibit resentment and bullying behaviours which is really not healthy for you.

Take care and listen in to what feels right for you. I have found as certain doors close, other opportunities open up. So see how you go and if the friendship does end it will give you more time and energy for other connections.

Best wishes,

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Tue, 18 Feb 2025 09:15:22 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray,

Sorry for the late response, things have been a bit stressful. But I appreciate the reply, and it did give me things to think about.

Though as it were, the pendulum did indeed swing a bit too far to difficult, and I finally called an end to being friends with them.

They started talking to me again, but the passive aggression returned and they would get rude and short with me whenever I talked about my life.

Eventually I got upset and withdrew, and stopped talking about myself pretty much at all, only asked them how they were, and this only seemed to make them happier, and they started talking a lot more... about themselves. Which would be fine, if they thought of me at all.

I think at that point I was kind of just, over it. I was thinking, "why am I even here, you dont even like me, you only like the attention I give you. You only want me around to support and praise you, and I think I deserve better than that. I matter too."

I think I was also still mad at their past comments, and you know, thinking on it, I think I should never have let it go, but I was so worried about losing them as a friend, so I did let it go. I guess I knew they were never going to apologize or care even if I continued to push them about it. But if we were really friends, they would have cared how I felt, they just didnt.

So its over, I just told them that I didnt feel they really liked me that much, that I was unhappy, and I thought it was time to end things. I didnt get angry, didnt want a fight, just said I was done.

As a result, I did learn one thing, they were in fact mad at me, for a very long time apparently (and apparently Im a jerk for "not knowing" even though I blatantly asked if they were upset with me?) Though it was still never elaborated why they were angry with me, so I may never truly know.

Buuut I do think I am right about it being me not reciprocating their feelings, because of some other things said, even if they didnt outright tell me. Truth be told though, even if I had liked them back, Im sure this would have made me run the other way. I'm my own person, I dont exist to make them feel special at the cost of losing who I am and having my own needs ignored. Its quite bizarre that theyd even want that from me, its abusive honestly.

So yeah, Im done. They were fun to talk to and all, but in a sense of irony I think I was the only one that gave a crap. They only wanted control, not a friend. And no thanks.

Anyway want to thank you and Criox for your help. It gave me the courage to stand up to them and to realize that I dont deserve to be treated like that.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Tue, 18 Feb 2025 12:31:51 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I'm glad we were able to assist, even if only voices that you knew were there for you -nothing else.

I believe you have made a mature and insightful decision and think you are quite right, some people and groups only exist to look after themselves, expect to be praised and have no time or empathy for anyone else.

It does not matter why thay blamed you -if in fact that was not just a vague excuse for their conduct. True freinds would have tried to face any issue and attempt to work it out. Actually I'd be surprised if the did blame you for anything sensible, not being sycophantic enough probably.

I think that from now on your expectations of others as well as yourself may lead to some true friendships

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Eagle Ray — Tue, 18 Feb 2025 12:43:37 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser,

It's really good you have found some clarity and a sense of the true nature of the friendship. To be blaming you somehow but still not communicating whatever they were unhappy about is ongoing passive aggression and not something you need to have in your life. They do sound quite emotionally immature and self-absorbed.

You have been a good listener and a caring friend, but their approach has been to use that to serve themselves without showing an awareness of you as a person in your own right. I have had a number of friendships like that and I had to go through it quite a few times to realise I was just being used by the other person and they couldn't actually see me.

So well done for sticking up for you. I agree with Croix that that sets the stage for some true friendships in the future. You deserve kind, loving and mutually supportive friendships.

All the very best,

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 10:06:52 GMT

Thanks to you both. And your right, true friends would be honest and upfront, and wouldnt be passive aggressive and selfish.

Though unfortunately, this saga hasnt quite ended... you dont have to reply, but I had to tell someone because it has rattled me.

After we stopped being friends, I admittedly checked their social media account where I saw they posted they were angry at me, and that they were going to write a fanfic based on our fight. Which was a red flag to me. I knew they did writing (though I had never read it), but I didnt know they based it on real people.

So curious, I clicked the link to their fanfiction, and it turns out theyve made characters to represent me and them, and have been writing erotic fanfiction about us being together. Turns out they have been doing this for the past year.

Worse again, they used conversations Ive had online publicly with other people as inspiration for their stories/fantasies. Making out that I said things to them, and not other people, and making it sexual. (Ew.)

They also were really jealous about a character I like, and wrote him to be my "ex" in one of the stories, where they talk shit about him. Its super weird.

They also wrote about gaming sessions we have had, and then made it so I talk about how much I like and admire them. Again, ugh, no. Hell no.

Overall Im super creeped out by this revelation. This is a friend I knew for many years, someone I trusted and spoke to often. I had no idea they were like this, and I feel used and quite honestly, shaken.

I guess I know why they were so passive aggressive about me having a life outside of them now, they seem to have been super jealous. I still dont get why they didnt just tell me they had a crush on me and been normal about it. Instead theyve acted like a total creep and made entertainment out of me. Its gross. Other people have left comments and made fanart, they have no idea its based on a real person (me), and I feel disgusted. (Though thankfully its not super popular.)

I dont know if theres much I can do about it though, its under fake names so at least people dont know its me, but its not great to know its out there. (I might write to the owners of the site and ask if it can be taken down, though doesnt stop them posting it elsewhere so... ugh.)

All I can say, is thank heck I stopped being their friend. Im also glad I live somewhere they cant get to because honestly it has made me feel a lot less safe. They clearly have no care for boundaries. What a jerk. I regret even giving them a chance, I had no idea they were like this! Here I was worried they were depressed but it turns out they were being a massive self-absorbed creep!

I guess the lesson for me is, to trust my gut. If something doesnt feel right, maybe hit the bricks! Geez.

But thanks for your help again, as for me, I think Im going to find a quiet hobby that I like and focus on that. They can stay bitter and be a jealous weirdo, Im going to enjoy my life and my wonderful amazing hobbies. At least the things I enjoy dont hurt people and make me happy. I think thats a win.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Croix — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 12:13:34 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

There is a strong temptation after a friendship has finished to look up the other person's social media, it is sort of magnetic:)

It's a bad idea, you have finished with them and finished really does mean finished. The fact they write erotic self justifying wish-fulfillment stories and not doubt based in part on people they know, and if they are peeved then that character will be portrayed in an unkind light.

Fan fiction can be very good, of a professional standard and many authors have started that way, however these efforts seem simply toxic and eventually will move on to other things.

Please do as I suggest and start to pursue a life that does not include them at all, but fresh and kinder more trustworthy people - you deserve that

Croix

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 23:53:36 GMT

Yeah I know, I know, heh, its never a good idea. I just wanted to know why they did all this I guess. I know now, so at least theres that closure.

Honestly I used to be a writer, so I understand writing to vent out feelings, or using real life as an inspiration. I think the more alarming thing was the lack of respect in it; the fact they didnt talk to me about their feelings, the fact they were so controlling and jealous, and that they used private conversations for a public spectacle like that.

It felt like seeing someone throw a tantrum in public about me, and then using any positive feedback they got to justify their toxic behavior. Its really uncomfortable.

But your right, they will move on, and so should I. I guess Im just grieving. I didnt know they were this aggressive and controlling, and its rattled me. But I suppose all I can do is find other people who wont be like that.

Thanks again for your response. And yeah, Ill find something else to do. Something more positive.

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

Eagle Ray — Sat, 22 Feb 2025 02:51:45 GMT

Dear AnotherRandomUser,

That further discovery is extremely strong evidence to trust your gut and move on with your life. What a disturbed, creepy person they are! I had some creepy experiences with the first therapist I ever saw. I stopped seeing her when her disturbing nature began to really unravel. I later discovered she did a podcast (still online today) in which she has taken my personal information, including a dream I told her, and “interprets” it in the podcast to supposedly demonstrate her “amazing” dream interpretation abilities. She claims she has permission from clients for any info she has shared in the podcast. She has never asked my permission whatsoever. I realised that first therapist was using me in disturbed ways and was a very unbalanced person who was weirdly over-involved with me. Irk!!! If I look back there were numerous red flags I should have heeded much earlier on. You do not want such people in your life and I can tell you are a way more balanced, normal and respectful person. So, yes, go forward free of such people and find the kind, healthy, connections with people you deserve.

I understand the feeling rattled as I did in relation to that first therapist I saw, initially believing they had my interests at heart, when all along she was just playing a game with me. I had trusted her with the most personal information from my life as you think you are meant to be able to with a “professional” therapist. Likewise, with a long-term friend you often believe there’s a certain level of trust and it’s a shock when you starkly realise the true nature of the relationship. So allow yourself to feel the grief but know you are doing the right thing by absolutely getting away from that person. I think these experiences do help us to know better who to trust going forward in that if something feels icky, off or uncomfortable it probably is. Healthy relationships won’t feel like that. There will be a sense of ease and peace. You will feel nourished by the friendship.

Take care and all the best!

Re: Passive Aggressive Friend

AnotherRandomUser — Sat, 22 Feb 2025 11:35:58 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray,

That sounds absolutely awful! I can imagine how tough that would be to know that she didnt have your permission despite her claim, and to not able to tell her audience what she did. Or to undo the damage she inflicted. What a horrible person she is! I am so sorry this happened to you.
Isnt it the worst too when its someone you think works in a profession where you can trust them as well. Ive had 2 bad therapists, one I quit after our first session due to her aggression/invasiveness, only to find out shed been taken to court for starting a cult! The second was one that sent me a gift in the mail without my permission, it had no sender name on it and scared the hell out of me, she only confessed to sending it after I got really upset during our next session over it. Id been talking to her for a while, but I quit after that, it felt very wrong and creepy. To use my address without my permission too! I heard she was let go, can imagine why.

Thankfully other therapists I have had were wonderful, but when you do get a bad one it can really be so jarring and frightening. Especially since they do have so much information on us. I can totally understand the fact you didnt catch on straight away, these are people we should be able to trust after all! Creepy people also often seem nice at first, their terrible manipulators, and its certainly not your fault (or with my friends case, mine) that you dont catch on straight away. They start kind, then see how far they can push it. Its awful, just vile really.

But yes what happened with my friend is similar, I told my friend almost everything, even personal things I had told no one else. And like you said, it is such a shock to find out what they are truly like, and unsettling.

Personally its made me lose confidence in my own ability to judge others intentions, but Im trying to tell myself that Ill know better next time. I dont want to not make new friends because Im scared itll happen again, but it has shaken me. It will take some time I think for me to digest what they have done. I would never have guessed in a million years theyd be like that, it doesnt feel real, and yet, they have done this. Like you, thinking back on it, there were signs, I just assumed the best of them even when they said things that were questionable. I mean I thought I knew them, but apparently not.
But anyway, its their fault for acting like that, not ours for not knowing. People like that just take advantage of your kindness! And well, I dont think being kind is a bad thing, they should just be nice too!

But thankyou, I hope you can find closure for what has happened to you as well. Hopefully the future will be filled with kinder people and happier moments. And yeah, getting away was a good thing. At least I can enjoy things again without worrying what theyll say about it now.