topic Re: Controlling mum in Relationship and family issues

Controlling mum

_justine_a — Sat, 07 Dec 2024 08:17:53 GMT

My mum threatens to kick me out every time i go out she calls me to tell me she is gonna kick me out im a 22 year old female i also pay rent 250-280 a Fortnight im so lost of what to do

Re: Controlling mum

tranzcrybe — Sat, 07 Dec 2024 11:39:48 GMT

Every time? Has your mum ever followed through on her threat?
It sounds like she is experiencing 'separation anxiety' fearing for your safety but also worried about how your independence impacts her parental role and loss of control.

What grounds does she offer to support that your going out is a violation of remaining at home?

Is there an 'agreement' or condition that has been clearly stipulated?

A timely discussion on how you would like to be treated - as a cognizant adult - might find a middle ground or at least a better understanding of rights and restrictions being imposed; although it may be that moving out to meet expectations (or call her bluff) will resolve the matter to delineate your priorities for being able to live as you choose, albeit under challenging conditions either way.

Re: Controlling mum

_justine_a — Sun, 08 Dec 2024 09:03:03 GMT

yes few months ago she threatened me and brought knife out to scare me she said she will use it if i tried to come back in the house and it was just for me going out for three hours. She always cries that I don't love her because I want to go Out she calls me like a useless child and apparently i abandon her when I go out. so I'm not too sure what to do there I do wanna be available but every time I mention that she tells me I must not love her if I wanna leave

Re: Controlling mum

_justine_a — Sun, 08 Dec 2024 09:03:30 GMT

Im never abel to talk to her about anything because everything turns into an argument and I'm always wrong and she's always right that's how it is

Re: Controlling mum

tranzcrybe — Sun, 08 Dec 2024 11:58:32 GMT

Hi Justine,
If you feel unsafe at home - being threatened, abused, and restricted in your rights to free speech, it might be in your best interests to move out.

Ironically, mother's behaviour will only bring about the outcome she fears the most if she remains unprepared to love and accept you for who you are.

It's a tough decision involving personal sacrifice and standing on principle, and one which will take much courage from you to convey to her - perhaps it might be more appropriate to prepare a handwritten letter upon which she can reflect in her own time.

At any rate, you will be asserting yourself not as a child and that is something mother needs to appreciate.

Despite this, try to be comforting and understanding of her unwillingness to let you go.

Eventually she may see the bigger picture in that a little of something is better than all of nothing.

Re: Controlling mum

quirkywords — Sun, 08 Dec 2024 22:19:51 GMT

It is very difficult and upsetting to be treated like this.
is there anyone you could talk to who can support you.

is there ever a time even for a few minutes that your mum is calm with you.

Would you consider calling a support line that is staffed by trained people.

beyond blue support line 1300 224636

trans has given some helpful suggestions.

I wonder has your mum always been like this towards you or is it behaviour that has changed as you have got older and become more independent.
you are very kind and patient .

Re: Controlling mum

_justine_a — Mon, 09 Dec 2024 10:11:03 GMT

Its changed shes not mentally stable on day she is lovely next day im getting threatened im scared one day if i try to leave home somthing might happen

Re: Controlling mum

tranzcrybe — Tue, 10 Dec 2024 00:49:00 GMT

I gather it is just the two of you in the house as this could be one component of the attachment/control issues - plus there seems to be no one to mediate or advocate for you which places you at a disadvantage.

Since it is mother's house and you receive a 'subsidised' rate compared to alternative accommodation, you may find this to be a reasonable compromise on the understanding and acceptance of such terms ('my house - my rules' policy), but the hidden cost factor of additional obligations (never going out or having freedom of choice, no open and trusting relationship, fractious interactions) does sound like an excessively high price to pay.

If you could attend a GP consultation (ideally together), you might receive/request a referral for tests (medical and clinical) and ultimately treatment to address those issues currently diminishing the quality of your mother-daughter relationship.