topic Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder. in Relationship and family issues

Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Sat, 16 Nov 2024 07:42:36 GMT

I have mentioned about my controlling partner who is wonderful to everyone and to me about half the time.

He has just been diagnosed with a neurological disorder .He was angry as I was away when he got the news and then hung up on me as I offered some practical advice.

I wonder how people cope with a controlling partner who is unwell and will get worse.I want to care for him but am not sure my mental health can stand the stress of his anger and criticism.

I would like to start a discussion on this topic.

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

ABC01 — Sat, 16 Nov 2024 08:52:51 GMT

Dear quirkywords,

I guess it depends on how much you can take and if it is degenerative or not. His illness. Love makes us tolerate a lot more than we think. But perhaps in that moment he was seeking emotional reassurance instead of practicality.

Your mental health does have to take a front seat in this too. You are just as important as he is. And there is not any shame in having to step back if you need too. You don’t need to leave entirely, but having a circuit breaker may be needed.

There is also a chance he maybe humbled by this experience and could change depending on what this means for his life now.

It is a good subject to broach.

I hope you get more answers.

ABC01

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Sat, 16 Nov 2024 09:22:04 GMT

Thanks ABCO1

It is degenerative.I give him lots of emotional assurance and receive nothing in return.
I don’t think he will change with this illness up but become more critical and demanding. Of course people here and in my life will see me as a mean and selfish partner . When a partner has a degenerative illness they are see as being needy and angelic and any fault is family or partner.

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

ABC01 — Sat, 16 Nov 2024 11:03:37 GMT

Dear quirkywords,

I understand now. I know people like this too.

I’m not sure I know what to say so I am sending you good thoughts,

ABC01

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

Eagle Ray — Sun, 17 Nov 2024 02:06:59 GMT

Dear Quirky,

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation with your partner. I know there are carer organisations in different states that provide support and resources. It may help to connect with one of those organisations. They would have awareness of the challenges of supporting someone with a neurological disorder and would have some ideas that could be supportive for you going forward.

I think the really important thing if you are in a care role is to make sure you are cared for too. Look for ways you can really take care of you and seek support whenever you feel you need it, whether that is coming here, doing some counselling, talking on a helpline or whatever feels it will be supportive.

Your partner may get more challenging with his behaviour or he may also get more docile. I think it can vary based on the condition itself and then how it affects the particular person. My dad developed a progressive neurological movement disorder (Parkinson's) and I'd say he actually became increasingly passive. One of the things about developing such a disorder is the realisation that you are losing control at some level. For a controlling person they may then try to control more, or on the other hand they may realise they have to start relinquishing control because it's happening anyway. It is sometimes in that letting go of control that it becomes a learning experience for the controlling person. That does require him to accept his diagnosis of course. Sometimes we only start to regain control after relinquishing control if that makes sense, such as giving up habitual behaviours, and he may have to change his ways of being in order to cope better with the condition.

It's hard to know how things will unfold but I think if you can just take things one day at a time it will make it easier, rather than trying to take on the big picture and the future all at once. We are always here for you Quirky.

Sending kind support,

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Sun, 17 Nov 2024 05:50:53 GMT

Thanks ABC01

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Sun, 17 Nov 2024 05:55:04 GMT

Thanks ER. I will wait and see

I think after nearly 80 years of behaving in a certain way it can be hard to change one’s behaviour.
He likes being centre of attention.

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

Eagle Ray — Mon, 18 Nov 2024 05:14:54 GMT

Dear Quirky,

You would know him best so, yes, he may not change. It will be really important to keep remembering to tend to your own needs and also recognise that controlling behaviours directed at you are his issues, not yours. I really burnt out as a carer and it’s very easy to get trapped in trying to do everything yourself. So I would say access whatever resources you can find that can help you along the way. Diagnoses can come as a shock in the beginning but then there is an adjustment and adaptation phase and things tend to settle a bit.

All the best and post anytime you need to. Hugs and warm wishes,

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Sat, 23 Nov 2024 09:16:30 GMT

Thanks ER

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 09:25:33 GMT

Over 2 months since I la st wrote. My physical and mental health are challenged and parter is scared but often takes his confusion and fear on me.
I know people cope with so much more and wonder how they cope with the exhaustion.

waves to everyone struggling .

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

Eagle Ray — Mon, 03 Feb 2025 12:03:32 GMT

Dear Quirky,

It’s really hard being in that care role and especially when they take their fears and frustrations out on you. I don’t know if it helps to point out to him that he’s acting that way out of fear and worry? Sometime's people are not fully conscious and just reactive. I hope maybe you have a good specialist? With my dad the most helpful people were the Parkinson’s nurses who were far more emotionally present than the specialists and had real practical advice too. I wonder do you have any access to such nursing support? The Parkinson’s nurses would come to my parent’s house and look at how to make things easier for my dad in the home. They also were very empathetic which was nice support to have. You can also get an ACAT assessment done for help in the home if you need it, from things like cleaning through to having someone take your partner to appointments if needed. There’s the option of getting meal deliveries too from somewhere like Meals on Wheels if it’s getting a bit much doing meal preparation.

Take care Quirky and chat anytime.

Hugs 🤗

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Tue, 04 Feb 2025 10:24:35 GMT

He procrastinates getting help. ER your posts are helpful. He is quite egocentric . People keep telling me people with his disease are often self centred and angry but he has always been like this.
he told me I was making him sicker but the fact is I am affected by mis moods. I am no saint or patient but no one deserves to be sworn at for having an opinion.

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

Eagle Ray — Tue, 04 Feb 2025 13:03:53 GMT

Dear Quirky,

Thst really is challenging. I feel for you. Are there any of his family members who might be of any help, or any help and support you can get from family on your side? Sometimes it just helps to share with others about what’s happening and it lightens the load a bit.

There may be something like a carer support group for the condition and people there with some ideas about ways of handling the angry behaviour. I know from what you say he’s always been egocentric but I imagine that’s amplified with the condition, especially if self-centredness and anger are features that can develop with it. His procrastination may be in part still not really being able to process things yet and being a bit in denial or avoidant.

Take care Quirky and know that we are here to listen anytime you need to share what’s happening.

Kind hugs to you 🤗

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

quirkywords — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 11:10:53 GMT

Thanks ER.

I feel co trapped at times and stuck. Partner had big birthday recently and his Parkinson’s is getting worse, but so is his controlling. I have moments where we get on but many time he is angry and if I don’t agree he screams. I try to understand but it is tiring. I think when one has spent years looking after o es health it is difficult when one person is sabotaging one’s well being.

Re: Controlling partner now has a serious neurological disorder.

Eagle Ray — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 12:37:42 GMT

Dear Quirky,

I feel for you so much. It is exhausting being in that position as a carer. I imagine he is getting frustrated as symptoms worsen. There is a chapter in a book by Norman Doidge called The Brain’s Way of Healing. It’s about a man named John Pepper who developed his own walking program for Parkinson’s and amazingly managed to drastically reduce his symptoms after having Parkinson’s for many years at that point. So it is a condition that is not necessarily always a downward thing, but the person themselves has to be aware they can make a difference and want to do it. I don’t know if your partner would be into trying something like a walking program or exercise program that may help him feel a bit better?

It’s so challenging for you though, especially if he is screaming at you when angry. I am wondering if it would help you to sometimes give the Beyond Blue helpline a call or a Carer helpline in your state? I know that may be difficult to do if your partner is present - maybe something to try if you get some time and space to yourself? Sometimes just debriefing with another person can help to feel better if the person you are living with is presenting challenging behaviours.

Take good care Quirky and we are always here to listen to you, any time you need a chat or to offload how you are feeling.

Sending you a supportive hug,