topic Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help) in Relationship and family issues

Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Tonyh — Sat, 28 Sep 2024 09:07:01 GMT

So I have an adult stepdaughter who is 20 and living with us, everyday I come home from work I find plates and mess left around the kitchen. I am forever asking her nicely to clean up after herself only to be met with attitude and anger. I keep telling the missus and she says well ask to to clean it and I try to explain that its not getting anywhere and can she talk to her. The problem is im not sure anything is getting said as it still keeps happening. Lately she has been parking behind my car in my driveway purposely blocking me in even though I left her space to park beside me. The comments and attitude im getting is almost making life not worth living there. If it weren't for my 9 year old daughter I'd move out as I am at my boiling point with this crap cause i just wanna have some peace in my life but there is always something that pisses her off and the whole house has to know it apparently. What's really frustrating is that my partner is always being nice about everything with her which makes me feel like she is nurturing her attitude and giving her the idea that she can keep doin it. What the hell am I supposed to do? My lil girl is always coming up to me asking if im ok as she can clearly see this is affecting me. Anyway any advice would be very helpful now because I feel like im supposed to just live with this crap. Thanks for your time

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

quirkywords — Sun, 29 Sep 2024 06:00:15 GMT

Tonyh
thanks for your post. Living with a step child can be tricky.
I have a few questions.
is the nine year old daughter yours and your partners or yours.
how long have you been in your stepdaughters life and how long has she been living with you?

it sounds like your daughter is testing you. Does she have relationship with her dad.

I think stepdaughter needs her mum to explain what behaviour is expected of her. If her mother won’t talk to her it is hard on you as it seems stepdaughter does not seem to take notice of your requests.
can you explain to your partner when her daughter ignores your requests.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Fiatlux — Sun, 29 Sep 2024 06:47:15 GMT

Hi Tonyh,

Let me reassure you that it’s not just step children who do this… my 27 year old son is still living at home and he is awful to live with. The mess this one person makes and never cleans!

Of course we live like we are walking on eggshells around him and at times we want to scream at him to get him to wake up or move out, but we don’t!

It’s absolutely not easy living with adult children as in my generation we were expecting to move out or contribute to the household, which we did.

Are we getting soft on our children or are we always mindful of their mental health? While causing ourselves stress and despair over these issues.

It’s frustrating and I think she’s being disrespectful to you and your home life. I know my own son has absolutely no respect for our home.

I can’t tell you what to do but when either my husband or I have had stern words with our son, he pulls his head in a bit and does at very least stack the dishwasher for example.

We have even resorted to offering to buy him an apartment just to get him out on his own, but refuses to consider moving. Being the type of people that we are, we won’t kick him out either.

Your wife must take this seriously as I am sure it’s putting a strain on your relationship too.

Dont pick up after the step daughter and leave the mess for your wife and maybe she too will tire of the mess.

Good luck. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Scared — Sun, 29 Sep 2024 07:55:53 GMT

That would piss me off too.

The problem is with your partner as I see it. You are being undermined by her. Also if you try to discipline the step daughter yourself it would do no good if your partner protects her. You need to have it out with your partner once and for all discussing what discipline actions you are allowed to measure out and what your not allowed to do. There needs to be a clear line on this. I would use words to your partner like " is this what you want your child to learn by taking no responsibility " or " you dont want your daughter to learn this negative behaviour" . Ask your partner why she doesnt want to be a role model or support this blended family. This is a really hard problem and I find I dont like this step either. Maybe some women on here can help more than i can. Some smart ladies on here.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

tranzcrybe — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 03:34:06 GMT

Perhaps this is how stepdaughter always behaved prior to your arrival - mother seems unbothered by it.

If so, then unfortunately it comes down to you to adapt to this environment as you will have none of the 'parental authority' to bring about change (as much as anyone has toward their adult children... or childish adults).

Clearly your distress is what is amplifying the behaviour (parking behind you and being obnoxious) so remaining calm and 'grey rock'-ing these irritations should exhaust her attempts.

Ignore the bad and reward the good if you hope to promote some amiable relationship, remembering that you may be seen as the 'unwelcome visitor' until she has cause to feel otherwise.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Scared — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 08:29:48 GMT

Hi tranzcrybe . I see you say to tonyh that he may need to adapt to this unsatisfactory environment. Dont you think that if he does that then the message gets sent that this poor behaviour is acceptable. Then if thats acceptable maybe she can block his car in the driveway next .Then if she can do that then what comes next . Where does one draw the line. But the point is this . If tonyh lets her get away with just anything then tonyh himself becomes fully accountable for whats next because he then is teaching the step daughter that unacceptable behaviour is ok.

And its clearly not. Whether Tonyh is successful in his quest for change in his stepdaughter is irrelevant. What is relevant is tonyh has set a reasonable standard of behaviour and is teaching her what is acceptable and what is not. I cant comment on the mother of this child but it seems to me the mother is not helping her daughter become a responsible lady at all and poor tonyh doing all the hard yards alone. That not fair on him either. WE TEACH others how to treat us in return. Sorry stole that from dr phil lol

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Tonyh — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:37:54 GMT

Quirky,

Thanks for the reply. 9 year old is our child. She does not really have a relationship with her dad as they had a faling out. I have asked partner to speak to her but sometimes I get told to sort it out ourselves and other times It turns into an argument because I get upset that she doesn't get involved and I feel really disrespected because of that.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Tonyh — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:44:39 GMT

Fiatflux,

Thank you for the reply.

I have adopted the intention to not pick up after her and the kitchen turned into a cluster. There is stuff still on the bench from last Friday that she hasn't put away. Problem is my partner will come home and start cleaning it all so naturally I feel obliged to lend a hand. I dont know why she doesn't just pull her into line and have words with her. The frustrating part is step daughter will tell off her sisters for being lazy when she is the laziest one in the house. The other night I got spoken to pretty harshly because I have been nagging her to clean up after herself and she said some nasty things that have stuck with me and i felt some resentment towards my partner for not stepping in. I was ready to walk away from this relationship.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Tonyh — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:48:32 GMT

Scared,

Thanks for the reply.

I have spoken to my partner about it but half the time I feel like im getting brushed off for over reacting. As for my daughter its hard because she sees what's happening and always asks me if im ok and why does she treat me that way? It's a tough one cause I think my partner just wants to keep the peace not realising what its doing to the way I feel about us.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

Tonyh — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 09:53:01 GMT

Transcribe,

Thanks for the reply.

From what I hear she was very spoiled as a child. I've been in her life since she was about 12. I've made it clear that im not adapting to this lifestyle. I cook every night and I've told my partner I'm not cooking if I have to clean the kitchen because of her daughter not cleaning her mess. I have just stopped talking to my step daughter altogether as she said some nasty thi gs that were personal and have stuck with me since. I held some resentment towards my partner for not getting involved and was ready to walk out the other night.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

tranzcrybe — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 12:37:42 GMT

There is much resentment on both sides with your wife caught in the middle.
Your stepdaughter is also making it clear that she has not adapted to the lifestyle over the past 8 years and this seems to be a pot that has been brewing for some time.

Presently she has the better of you which is potentially driving a wedge between you and your wife.

Are you perhaps a pawn in her objective by contemplating walking out and not speaking to her? Is it that easy for her to win?

Hypothetically, what would you do to address this if she was your daughter? - or if it was your wife who left the mess? Do you feel you might be more or less sensitive to her needs?

if stepdaughter's history indicates being spoiled, then it is imperative that yours does not. Show compassion for her acting out and try to find understanding for the underlying cause.

Walls are best knocked down if you are all pushing from the same side.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

tranzcrybe — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 12:47:37 GMT

It is always easy to identify a circle, but not until we examine it from all sides will it become apparent that we are looking at a sphere.

Re: Stepchild giving me anxiety (please help)

therising — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 18:05:45 GMT

Hi Tonyh

It's so incredibly challenging when the people we live with trigger us in a whole number of ways. It's not only about their questionable behaviour, it's also about how we feel that behaviour. So, double the challenge.

Took me around a couple of decades as a mum to put my hand up and say 'Yes, I can clearly see it now, it's partly my fault my 19yo son and almost 22yo daughter have limited skills when it comes to home maintenance'. I smile when I say that my mum warned me from the start that my lack of discipline (in getting my kids to clean up after themselves) would come back to bite me. I got into the habit of picking up after them, as it was easier and faster when they were little, rather than trying to teach them. I've only gotten out of that habit recently. Took a while, hey. Looking back, I never really considered washing dishes to be a skill but it is. I never considered picking up empty toilet rolls off the toilet floor a skill but apparently it's a skill both my kids seriously lack (grrr😠😅). Rinsing a plate, being conscious of others, developing compassion, cooking, cleaning, ironing and the list goes on, they're all skills. If we eventually leave home without a lot of these skills, it can be one heck of a problem for our housemates to live with.

I like what tranzcrybe mentions in regard to a circle being more of a sphere. Studying things from multiple angles can make some difference. One angle, amongst many, could include 'How does the brain of that person work?'. Do they struggle with developing and/or maintaining certain skills under a variety of conditions or are they just lazy or is it a bit of both? While my son's been diagnosed with high functioning autism and my daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD, some of their behaviour's due to laziness, some of what they struggle with relates to their nature and some of it relates to nurture or should I say a lack of the right kind of nurturing in the way of skill development. I'm not being hard on myself, just being matter of fact. With both autism and ADHD, struggle can come from a lack of solid structure. Consider the solid structure when training in the army. Every cadet must follow guidelines. Anything less than acceptable is not accepted. All cadets work as a unit. They are not trained to sit back, pick and choose what they want to do and be self serving, they are trained to serve the unit as a whole. With a common sense of unity, there is a high functioning community. I can say that when I channel the commander or drill sergeant in me things tend to get done around the house.

So, from one viewpoint of that sphere 1)me not being a drill sergeant at times can come with problems, 2)the need for structure is another angle, 3)no consequences or accountability is another, 4)the need for skill development is another, 5)brain function is another, 6)the preference for lazing, as opposed to action, can be another and the list goes on. The more you move around the sphere, the more that comes to light. I should add, with ADHD and autism, teaching a skill can be complex at times. When focus is an issue, developing interest and a relationship with the task becomes a challenge. Inner dialogue may need to be managed and a sense of feeling a payoff may have to be considered. These things are just some of what's involved. How to do things thoughtlessly (not thinking our way out of doing things) is another skill.

While I think your stepdaughter's mum needs to take some accountability for the lack of skills her daughter has, there is easily one way to manage your stepdaughter not sharing the driveway. I'd question her 'Are you prepared to share the driveway, with us parking beside each other?'. If her answer is 'No' (in one way or another), then don't share the driveway. Stop just inside of it. This way, she can't park behind you. I've learned with my kids that they tend to quickly adapt when things become incredibly inconvenient for them. They do not like the feeling of inconvenience. It tends to really aggravate them. Serving yourself for a change can come as a relief.