topic Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave? in Relationship and family issues

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 03:41:48 GMT

I’m in a pretty dark place right now.
I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving.

It first began with an injury and the loss of her job. I didn’t earn much money at the time but it was just enough for us to live comfortably. She started taking pain meds and antidepressants, but soon needed psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and other therapies and meds. Her mood began to drop lower with the good days becoming fewer.

The costs started rising and I fell into debt. I worked harder, longer hours which luckily led to promotions, still with the extra money we were only just getting by. Trying to pay for the extra medical bills and debt while paying for everything else was just killing me. I had nothing to show for my hard work but kept pushing on knowing it was all for my wife.
Things kept getting worse, we stopped being intimate because of her low self esteem. She became too anxious to leave the house. We missed family events and outings with friends. I couldn't go out by myself very often because of the distress it would cause her. I now have very few friends because of this. I work 9-10 hour days, 11 days a fortnight, do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I was always fine with all of this because I know its not her fault. I know she suffers a hell everyday that I could never imagine. It kills me inside to see her in so much pain and distress.

I really thought I was managing ok and felt strong until I had this moment of realisation. I went out for a night in the city with a some friends and met this really nice and very attractive girl. She was all over me most of the night but I refrained from anything other that chatting. She stuffed her number into my pocket when we left but I didn't keep it. Believe it or not, I met the same girl the next weekend and she was still lusting after me and made me feel amazing. This was when the moment of realisation came, I had truly forgotten what it felt like to be wanted, needed or loved, like I had been numb all these years. I didn't do anything with this girl but she made me realise and feel a lot of things. Im certainly not happy and miss the feeling of love and companionship. I don't want to miss out on life and can see it slipping away but i'm afraid of what would happen to my wife if I left her. I feel truly stuck. Can it get better? Any advise would be appreciated.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

The_Bro — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 07:04:15 GMT

Hi there John117 and thank you so much for reaching out on our forum.

Your post is incredibly emotional - the pain and clarity with which you expressed it is very raw. Plainly, you are an exceptional human being with the level of sacrifice you have endured for your wife. It must be incredibly difficult not being able to see any way out of your situation for the future.

Unfortunately, I don't have a magic wand to wave but just want to say I hear you and feel for your situation. My father in law looked after his wife who had MS for ten long years before she passed away - he had the strength, love and resilience to care for her until the end which earned him enormous respect from all of the family.

Is it out of line to ask if you are happy that your wife is receiving the very best treatment and advice? Sometimes obtaining advice from a range of professionals may present a different view, but that is really not for me to comment further on. This question also applies to yourself as well, helping your inner strength cope with things.

In regards to the girl you met, of of course it is extremely easy to succumb to attention from another in your position. It is normally lust and short lived - it is great to see you are not at all sure to commit to anything there.

I sincerely trust your wife's outlook will improve and once again give you that platform from which to grow your love for her.

Thinking of you. All the very best, The Bro

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 08:17:35 GMT

The Bro! What a fitting username!

Wow, thanks. I never really looked at my self as exceptional, I just tried to do what anyone else would, support her and make it to the other side. I just didn't realise the other side was so far away. Props to your father in law, just amazing.

Yes, I'm fairly confident she has received the best treatment. I worked super hard to make sure of it. She's had two rounds of ECT treatment in the last 5 years, 23 ECT's in total and is involved with multiple support organisations. We have tried many different types of therapy and nearly all antidepressants available. We're seeing a new psychiatrist and psychologist next week, still trying to keep things moving forward. I've thought about talking to someone professionally but don't want my wife to find out, it'll be just another thing that she blames herself for and trigger another episode. She hates that her depression effects me so I just hide it to protect her.

Of course, I never had any intention of committing to anything with the girl I met, it was just how she was treating me and what she said that brought on a lot of emotion, haven't had that in a very long time. Made me remember how I used to feel, I just can't believe I forgot how to feel these emotions, I'd been missing them this whole time and didn't even notice. That was the biggest eye opener really. Im afraid that If I'm not happy I won't be able to care for her properly, become bitter and then I'll be useless to everyone. I don't want to end up in the same place.

I'll keep pushing on for now and hope for the best.

I really appreciate your kind words and taking the time to read my post and reply to me.

A true Bro! Thank you.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

Petal22 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 08:54:43 GMT

Hi John 117,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry this is happening to yourself and your wife….. it’s nice that you have been supporting your wife through out her mental health conditions….. I can see the love you have for her…..

I really hope your wife can become well again so you can both enjoy life together I understand how anxiety can make us feel.

You asked can it get better? My answer is yes and that’s from a personal point of view I had severe anxiety OCD…. I have now recovered thanks to the help I received by health professionals I believe I was able to recover because I was given the correct treatment to recover …. I did metacognitive therapy it changed my life! Maybe you and wife could look into it to see if it’s a fit for her…. Ive read it’s used for depression aswell…..

Maybe you and your Wife could sit in a psychologist appointment together so you can see what your wife needs to learn and work on it together…

I understand you had nice feelings with the other lady but I’m sure if you and your wife could work on things together the future may look bright for you together….

Have you thought of getting any support for yourself? You could make an appointment with your gp and do a mental health plan together… this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 09:49:08 GMT

Hi Petal22

I always had it in my mind that I would support her throughout this, I just had no idea it would take so much from me. I really do love her very much.

Congratulations on your recovery, must've been an epic battle for you. It's great to hear that there's still hope. I read up on the metacognition and it sounds like it could definitely be useful, next step up from CBT it seems, which she has also tried. We'll mention it to her GP and see what can be done.

I already attend appointments with her as often as possible and have learnt so much already. Really had to adjust the way my brain thinks to support her in the right ways and make sure I say the right things.

I'll give it a go talking to a psychologist but am a little unsure if it will help me. I was seeing one for a while to treat PTSD after I had a bad accident a few years back and it really didn't do much for me other than let me get a few things off my chest. Hopefully this time could be different.

This was really a last resort for me and I'm glad I came here. I didn't know what else to do so thank you for your reply and sharing a bit about your experience, it really means a lot to me. Just feels nice to know that other people care.

Thanks

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

Petal22 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 11:35:53 GMT

Hi John117,

I understand it would take a lot out of you….. it would be tiring……

When I went through my condition my loved ones didn’t know what to do but just support me.. it’s all I really wanted…. “ you never forget the people who come to you with a light to lead you out of the dark”….

Thank you John it feels great to be on the other side of OCD it was one long journey but my journey taught me so much….. while I was in the grips of OCD I felt like I was living in an internal hell……. So now being on the other side of it is just liberating I feel I went through what I went through with OCD so I could come out the other side to help others with their mental health and give others HOPE of recovery.

Metacognitive therapy really changed my life ….. it gave me back my life and gave my family back a fully present ME! I used to be so lost inside my head…… metacognitive therapy taught me how to recognise the thinking cycle I was in and then how to disengage from it…… it took a lot of perseverance and hard work but it was all so worth it! I did mine in a group therapy……. all the other people in my group had the same condition….. we were taught many strategies and skills…….. we also did a guided meditation as part of our therapy I give meditation credit for one of the tools that got me over the line…. It taught me that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts….. has your wife ever tried meditation?

Im glad you’ve looked up metacognitive therapy yes please have a chat to your gp about it…

Thats great you already go to appointments with your wife…

Im sorry you had a bad accident….. maybe if you see a psychologist they can help you to deal with your thoughts and emotions while supporting your wife….. maybe they could give you some helpful strategies…

We are glad you come to our BB forums…. , we are here to support you in any way we can.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

geoff — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 16:20:12 GMT

Hello John, and I am so really sorry to hear of the situation you are in and realise that you are doing everything possible to help your wife and applaud you for this, and what I'm going to say I don't normally proffer from saying this, however, as you have been married for 12 years out of which your dear wife has suffered from depression and anxiety for 9-10 years after you have worked and seen her go to counselling sessions is a tragedy and wondering why there has been no improvement, must be a heavy weight on your shoulders as well and definitely a quandary.

If I can briefly tell you of my situation after being married for 25 years, and very sorry to take up your comment and what I'll say is not indicative of what you've said, but my depression was one reason why my wife left me and then filed divorce papers, and I'm not saying for this to happen, because deep down I still loved my wife but as soon as I had to move into a house by myself, my depression began to clear and I'm certainly not blaming my wife.

We still talk regularly on the phone, in person as well as text each other on a weekly basis, so may be you might want to think about this, it's only a suggestion.

Geoff.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 23:00:45 GMT

Hi Petal22

It never used to wear me down this much, I don't know why I'm not as strong as before. I really want to keep carrying the light and lead her out of the darkness, but I can see the light disappearing behind me while the light I'm holding is getting dimmer. I keep thinking, "Are we just walking into the darkness together?"

It's great to hear that metacognitive therapy made such a difference for you, kudos to you for mastering it. It's horrible to imagine what you must've gone through. Your story really touches me. I hope we can achieve the same result. Group sessions sound like a great idea too. My wife uses guided meditation regularly, it seems to be one of the more effective tools she has learned to use. It often helps to calm her down after a panic attack and also helps her to sleep at night. Always better than her taking tablets, I worry so much about the amount of medication she takes, it just seems unnatural to be taking so much for so long.

I haven't really had the time to put much thought into my accident, whatever I have to deal with is minuscule in comparison to what she is going through so It was never really a priority for long. I managed to survive so I feel quite lucky anyway. Even though it didn't do much for me last time, I will try a psychologist again, just to be sure. I'll try anything at this point.

Is amazing that after recovery, you're out here helping others, helping me. So very much appreciated.

I'll let you know how we go with the metacognitive therapy.

Thanks again

John

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 23:27:36 GMT

Hi Geoff

Thanks for your kind words as well, the three of you to respond to me and show me support has really been overwhelming. I really have tried everything I can think of to help her get better.

Im so sorry to hear of your situation too, hope you have managed well after your separation. It's horrific learning on here how many people are dealing with these types of situations. Breaks my heart. Please don't be sorry for sharing your story with me, it's definitely helping me. Hopefully I can do the same for other people in this situation if I make it out the other side.

Im going to take the advise that is being given to me here and fight a bit more, a bit harder. I'll try anything that anyone can suggest at the moment, I'm desperate and out of ideas.

Thanks again for taking the time to talk to me.

John

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

WaterFront — Wed, 29 Sep 2021 00:22:34 GMT

Hi John117,

I don't really have any further advice to add to the already excellent advice you have been given. Reading through your post I wanted to comment on how admirable you loyalty and devotion to your wife is, as is your desire to do everything you can to fight for her and your marriage for as long as you can. I hope you remember to look after yourself as well in this process.

WaterFront

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

The_Bro — Wed, 29 Sep 2021 05:44:32 GMT

Hi John117 and thanks so much for your flattering words!

Your positive attitude is awesome and a mirror that lots of us could look to.

I was already intending to post you today when I got home about one more thing - I always feel much much better after vigorous exercise, and after today's swim I thought about you and your wife.. Something to do with endorphins, oxygenating the brain cells and stuff. So was just wondering if you wife would benefit from regular exercise, assuming she is able to. Anything from brisk walks to gym to cycling to swimming etc.

I have learnt over the years that if any activity is subject to a programme with regular timing, it achieves a better result. This is because us humans respond to routines and order, not chaos. Building on this theme of course is to create a regular daily routine for your wife of almost anything - from activities, music, learning a new subject on the internet, cooking, creating things etc etc. That focuses our brain and leaves less time for reflecting on how we feel and drowning in emotions.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind this follow up. I have no idea what your wife is able to do physically, One of the guys in our riding group was a confirmed substance user and alcoholic and the regular riding has changed his life completely.

Once again, you are an inspiration - all the very best.

The bro

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

Petal22 — Wed, 29 Sep 2021 05:53:33 GMT

Hi John117,

I understand your first paragraph it’s important that you look after yourself too! In terms of doing things that you enjoy doing…… fishing, walking ect

and seeing your friends aswell…. Maybe you could talk to your psychologist about how looking after your wife has worn you down a bit…. Talking to someone helps….

Thanks John, I really hope you can find someone who does metacognitive therapy in your area ….. I did mine at a university it was run by trainees and overseen by a doctor….. I really enjoyed being in a group I felt less alone and realised I wasn’t the only one….. I was also told that people who do group sessions get better results than one on one…. My therapy was for 8 weeks and then it was up to us to use what we were taught to get the best out of it…… while being in the group for 8 weeks we had the trainees to lean on if we needed them…

My gp also put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety……… I understand your thoughts on medication being on them for so long but I think if they help then that’s great! I’m grateful that we have antidepressants the people in the old days weren’t so lucky….

Thats ok John I’m happy to help you ..I’ve been recovered for 4 years now and very grateful to be on the other side 😊

please let me know how you go with metacognitive therapy 😊

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

Juliet_84 — Wed, 29 Sep 2021 22:58:51 GMT

Hi John,

I’m sorry that you have had to carry this weight for so many years, it can be such a burden and it’s only natural for the well person to want to be free of it at times. It can be hard enough working like a dog and making sacrifices, but then for it to seem as though you are making them in vain or endlessly with no end in sight must be even more difficult. And people who are unwell do feel bad that their partner has to pick up the slack, but then rather than acknowledge that and show thanks, can inadvertently turn it around and make it about them.
You went out and saw another side to life, one simple and free of obligation, and felt alive. And your interaction with the woman reawakened some feelings in you. That can be incredibly powerful but often isn’t based in reality. Most people have issues of some sort in their life but present their best selves when they fancy someone, so who you get can often be someone else entirely. That’s not to say that you should stay in an unhappy marriage out of obligation but just that it’s not often an accurate representation. I suppose what you need to do is question whether you love your wife and your life together as a whole. I do think you need to speak to your wife about this, whether one on one or with a marriage counselor present. It may be that you need to start incorporating things into your life that bring back some fun. I think it’s unfair of your wife to begrudge you that.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

John117 — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 11:38:21 GMT

I think I’ve reached the end. I don’t think I can fight anymore. I can feel myself starting to feel the types of things that my wife has been describing and feel that it is our whole situation that is causing it.

I told my wife how I have been feeling about our relationship, that I don’t feel loved, appreciated or respected anymore. I feel like a slave. She said she knew I wasn’t happy and that she felt terrible for the way it was effecting me. We both cried together and continued to discuss what we should do. She suggested marriage counselling which I’m not really open to. With all of the treatment she has received over the years, I don’t think marriage counselling will fix her depression. I suggested exercise and outdoor activities but she didn’t respond with positivity. She didn’t even seem interested in trying metacognitive therapy.

When I last posted here, I had taken time off work to thoroughly clean the whole house and get it back to a state that was respectable. I spent days making it perfect for her and I’m sitting here again in the same situation just weeks later because she refuses to pick up after herself. She just expects me to do everything. If I don’t do it, then it doesn’t get done.

I really thought after telling her how I felt and that our marriage was at steak that she would have made an effort to improve things, even if it was just a small effort. But nothing. I feel exhausted and irritable all the time and it’s now starting to seriously affect my work. I can’t keep working the hours I do and then come home and continue to work till I go to bed. I fell asleep on the couch the other night, which I never do. Woke up at 2:50am with the lights on and she had gone to bed. She just left me there with no blanket and didn’t even try to wake me up. She couldn’t even turn the lights out or lock the doors.

I’ve spoken to friends and colleagues about my situation and they’ve all told me to leave, enough is enough. Yet, I’m filled with guilt for even thinking about this.

I really don’t know what else to try before giving up. The only thing stopping me leaving is how separation is going to affect her. I’ve been the rock in her life for so long, I don’t know if she will be capable of taking care of herself and that worries me deeply.

Surely I deserve some sort of happiness, love and support in my life too? This whole situation is making me feel like a failure. Am I a bad person for wanting to leave?

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

Sophie_M — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 12:01:21 GMT

Hi John117,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult in your relationship and that you are considering leaving. We understand this must be such a hard decision to make, especially with all you have had to go through, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

geoff — Tue, 26 Oct 2021 15:00:28 GMT

Hi John, it is a difficult decision to make, but my wife left me and then divorced me because one reason was being depressed, so our house had to be sold, but as soon as I lived alone I picked up, and I'm not blaming my wife, but realised that I had to go shopping, do the washing and cook, whether it takes a few weeks or just a day doesn't really matter, it's the knowledge that I had to survive on my own.

While you are there doing everything then nothing is going to improve and she may think that she doesn't need any help because you are doing everything for her.

I realise your apprehension and understand this, but you also need to look after yourself.

Geoff.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

emotionallydrained — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 11:35:13 GMT

Hi John 117,

I've read through the thread and can see in the short time you've posted how you were first seeking advice, but now your seeking help.

I can relate to what you're going through. My husband is a depression and anxiety sufferer. He was quite bad several years ago and has slowly improved. He sought some treatment and medication, but he didn't really like doing that, so he just did what he could to make life liveable because he had too. But it's still not enough for me anymore. Living like this for upwards of 10 years has drained me too. I am now suffering depression and seeking help of my own - all whilst still trying to be the strength for the family and do all the things because his issues remain. I enabled a lot of his behaviour thinking I was doing the right thing. I thought I was helping him by making his world easier and less stressful. But all I was doing was taking all that stress and unhappiness and putting it onto me. It took me 10 years to realise that. By enabling his behaviour, I wasn't forcing him to change it. I missed events and functions as well and have also lost a lot of friends. This part seems lost on my husband who thinks it's just part of life.

I too have been grappling with the thought of leaving, but how do I do that? What does that look like? How will he cope? They're all questions that fill us with guilt and we harbour those thoughts and feelings inside and they eat us up.

I've tried to talk to my husband about my feelings and I get dismissed. I get how he's doing it worse, or there are others in the world doing it tougher than me. I know in their own way people think they are helping when they say that, but it's dismissive and a form of emotional abuse. They expect us to support them and understand them, but they can't do the same in return.

I know mental illness isn't black and white and as a partner to a sufferer, it's so hard. There is so much pressure on us, but at times it feels like we're not allowed to feel it because then we're not being supportive enough.

I'm still with my husband, but there's a lot of times I think that I'd be better off on my own. But after all he's done and all the restrictions he's knowingly put on my life, I'd be in the wrong and the one left with the guilt.

I guess after all that, my point is that there does come a time where we're no longer helping them, but enabling them. And then all that's left in us is a big black hole. You sound like you're close to that hole.

I hope you're ok.

Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?

geoff — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 14:52:12 GMT

Hello Emotionallydrained, a good comment you've just made and I agree with what you've said.

If you enable his thinking then all you are doing is holding yourself back with the possibility of becoming affected, alternatively, if you go along with what he says, then he believes he doesn't need any help.

Neither of these are beneficial for your own health and certainly not for him, so you need to develop your own thoughts and behaviour and if he refuses to get any assistance, unfortunately, that's his choice, but encourage you to draw yourself away and seek help.

If you leave him that doesn't necessarily mean you don't love him, but it takes on another type of love.

Look after yourself.

Geoff.