topic Re: Our son was charged with murder in Relationship and family issues

Our son was charged with murder

Tinam — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 06:52:47 GMT

Does anyone know of any support groups for parents with criminal children? We can't get ourselves out of this depressed state of bewilderment and need to talk to other parents coping with same issues. Our son was 18 yrs old when he was charged.

Our son was charged with murder

Yana8216 — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 09:00:38 GMT

Hello Tinam,

The Australian Prison Foundation website has lots of organisations listed for each Australian state, including email & mobile for an organisation that provides bulk billed psychological services around Australia to prisoners and prisoners families.

Christianity has helped me accept my own mistakes and forgive others for theirs, an understanding church group may provide support and perspective to help you through.

I am sure you love your son no matter what, make sure he know that.

Our son was charged with murder

white knight — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 09:53:33 GMT

Hi Tinam, welcome

I'm 59yo. In 1978 I began working as a prison officer at the notorious Pentridge jail. I was just 21yo.

What I learned in the 3 years I worked there was that the prisoners visitors seemed to do the "time" more so than the inmate they are related to. Visitors would come and go, crying, waiting and more waiting. The prisoner has a set schedule that includes about 7 hours of out of cell activity. Included in that time are 3 meals and a little exercise or perhaps a job like cooking or industry.

I'm not suggesting life in there is easy but once accustomed to that life and its routines....it becomes a waiting game. Whereas the inmates visitors often grieve often and need support.

Another member her has had a topic on this some time ago. You can google it by incerting the following -

"Topic: Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration"

Good luck and take care.

Tony WK

Our son was charged with murder

pipsy — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 11:21:06 GMT

Hi Tinam. I'm sorry to hear your son has been charged. How stressful for you. Did you know about it before he was charged? Don't know where you are in Australia, but if you contact the prison chaplain, where he is, he might be able to put you in touch with someone who could help you. There is also an organization in Qld called 'Sisters Inside' who deal with victims and families of prisoners. My ex was a prison officer for 25 years in Qld and he often talked about 'Sisters Inside'.

Hope this has helped.

Our son was charged with murder

geoff — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 17:42:12 GMT

dear Tinam, how deeply sorry I am for you as well as your child for committing this terrible act, but if you google 'support groups for parents who have a criminal child' there are many groups and sites for you to consider to contact.

I know of a couple of parents who both their sons has done something which has put a label on them for the rest of their lives, but the pain that the parents have to try and cope with is unimaginable, so I hope that one of these sites will be able to help you, but please let us know. Geoff.

Our son was charged with murder

Chris_B — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 03:27:57 GMT

Hi Tinam, welcome to the forums. Have a look at the thread below, it's a conversation between a handful of our members who have sons in prison and have been supporting each other:

Sadness, grief and regret over son's incarceration

Our son was charged with murder

A_Tech — Sat, 15 Apr 2017 12:04:29 GMT

Hi all,

I don't mean to step on any toes here but when it comes to the question about a murder charge, I don't think that referring people to the 'Sadness, grief and regret over son's incarceration' is an appropriate choice.

I'm assuming that none of you have actually read that post thoroughly. Again no disrespect.

I have been active on that threat for a couple of years and I am the only person there that has a reference to murder. My brother murdered someone 4 years ago today.

All the other suggestions in this thread sound wonderful, and I hope for some one they were a help, but in WA none of that (although it says it's available is not actually accessible!), so here we are left to fend for our selves and suffer the consequences of being the family member of a murderer.

Even 4 years later I still have people (new friendships or whatever) stop wanting to catch up after they find out. People are so judgemental and it's a horrible thing to do to the family, who is also just as innocent as anyone else. And that's without mentioning the fact at least in my case, I have one friend that stood by me while the others have all vanished.

So I guess in short, in my personal experience I would say NO, there are no support groups for us, the families of a murderer. And 4 years later I still suffer with depression and PTSD.

I hope one day this all changes, I need to feel normal again but I don't think I ever will.

Our son was charged with murder

Andthen8 — Sun, 04 Nov 2018 10:38:32 GMT

Hi Tinam,

i was just wondering if you could help me, I am in the same position you were in a few years ago and was wondering if you found any good support groups that you might be willing to pass onto me?

Regards

Our son was charged with murder

Yana8216 — Thu, 22 Nov 2018 08:00:24 GMT

Hi Andthen8,

I saw your posts from Nov 7 also and just hope you're going ok. Just wanted to let you know everyone on BeyondBlue cares about everyone who posts. We're all going through the stresses life brings and want to help others - it makes us feel better so it's win-win! Hope u ok.

Yana

Re: Our son was charged with murder

Guanyin — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 10:07:09 GMT

I just wanted to check in and find out how you have been going after all this time and did you find any support groups? I am experiencing the same situation now. It has been 2 years he was 16

Re: Our son was charged with murder

Guanyin — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 10:10:59 GMT

This is hurt me so much. I am the mother of a 16 ur old currently being chaeged with murder we haven’t been to court yet but I am struggling

Re: Our son was charged with murder

white knight — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 11:23:27 GMT

Hi, welcome

This is a very old post. I responded some 8 years ago. Nevertheless, I suggest you start your own thread just seek the depression section and start new topic.

I'm sad you aren't coping, it must be really hard for you. Try to remember that the stronger you are the happier your child will be. Also many things are out of your control which would rob you of your parenting but on the other hand, there is no point worrying over such matters. That's why it's taken over your emotions. Have you spoken to your doctor?

TonyWK

Re: Our son was charged with murder

Guest_00367979 — Sun, 16 Jun 2024 08:56:05 GMT

Hey Guanyin

I am also going through this but my son is a couple of years older. I’m really struggling. Did you find any support? Please let me know x

Re: Our son was charged with murder

white knight — Sun, 16 Jun 2024 11:59:52 GMT

Hi welcome all

I can't help you with your specific request however I'd like to pass on some information from the eyes of a past prison officer.

I was 21yo when I joined the officers in 1977. The youngest officer recruited in Pentridge prison then 120 year history. Although I'd been in the Airforce my learning curve was steep, I was there for 3 years.

Being only 28yo your sons curve will be steeper. The old way of keeping quiet, discreet, stay out of trouble, do as officers direct but not too eager or suspicion will grow- will always be the case for smooth survival.. he'll learn that.

But to parents the long sentence for their child can be a harrowing ordeal. Some parents don't live long enough to see their child's release, others find it too hard to maintain a relationship at all due to their child's lack of desire or ability to change their ways.

The one thing that's fact is there is no effective rehabilitation in jail. In fact often the opposite, some go in as car thieves and get released as safe crackers. Mmm education at its best!

However, during the many of your visits over the years I have some suggestions.

1. Try not to plea for him to change his "criminality". He will seek his own desire to change when he is emotionally ready. When you see those signs then you can encourage him on that path.

2. Inmates that find a path to redemption often like to involve themselves in activities like painting, drawing, writing, education and some of that can be to help others in need. This seals their path. It gives direction.

2. Being confined means very limited as to how they can help family in crisis. That could mean limiting the information you supply. If they worry about you with financial hardship when they cannot assist, protecting their mental health might include not divulging the problem.

3. This is fact- if he remains a model prisoner he'll make it to a minimum security prison sooner. That could entail working daylight hours like- trimming pine trees in a forest, making brooms, number plates or similar. Eg industry. Visiting rights are also relaxed by time extension and direct contact visits instead of behind a screen.

I've mentioned all this because the easier he does his time the more content you'll become.

I'm open to any questions if I can answer them.

FLOATING BOUY

A son, a ship anchored fast

A mum, a rudder, a love that lasts

To raise that weight just a bit

To steer the course where it drifts

You gave your all with sugar and salt

But it was never your fault

Settle and accept what it is to be

One day he will be wiser and free

And regret might fill his daily needs

A son that reflects in a son indeed

Your a mum, you're feeling somewhat aghast

A mum, a rudder, a love that lasts

TonyWK