topic Re: Narcissistic parent of my children in Relationship and family issues

Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 10:54:19 GMT

I'm looking for unbiased opinion on a topic. My ex partner, father of three of my children, we have been separated for 18 months now and he want to reconcile without even sitting at a table to explain how it all ended in the first place. For thirteen years we were together, he took control of every aspect of our lives, right down to the coin to spend on food for our kids, I was totally under his thumb. For a long while it was easier for him to do so with small children to care for but it went beyond control, he made me question my own sanity and safety with him on more than one occasion. Now out of this relationship and try to maintain communication for my children's sake of having a father, I see all the lies and manipulation that I previously had rose coloured glasses on for. Now since I mentioned lawyers for parenting agreements he is sending messages to ask me if we can fix things. In my head I can not see a future where 1. He is not completely transparent and submissive as I was in the past as I'm have gained my independence and am never giving it up again; 2 that will ever agree to give up the things that lead us to break up, eg gambling and search for money; 3 I in my right mind cannot really expect him to change as so, I don't want a puppet to love with strings attached and in so couldn't ask him to be a different person. So how do I get what I need from him; closure and commitment to our children, without that narcissistic personality in the mix. He likes playing games and seeing a person's reaction. Do I be straight and tell him I will never entertain the idea of reconciliation and what dame the results of his reaction as I know it will be negative or play this slow and ask for commitments such as therapy and time before his actions inevitable show his intentions and throw it up as you weren't able to for fill what you were asking as an equal in this relationship therefore it can not happen. Either way my children will suffer as they already are because of his actions. I am stuck in a hard place.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 12:46:51 GMT

Dear Elf911~

First I would like to say you have done something really momentous, and that is to break away from this person despite all his attempts at control and now have reached the stage where you can see his actions for what they were - and the effect they had on you

I hope you do realise how large a triumph that is and do not place it in jeopardy .

From the little I know of such controlling people they will press every button and play every trick to regain control, however will not normally change in themselves - with or wihtout therapy.. A lawyer sounds a good idea if you can afford it, or can gain free legal advice. It may not change him or his behaviour except maybe rein in some matters.

Many times people here have reported with shared custody or access they have problems reaching agreement on such things as locations, schooling and have to try to undo unflattering or downright untrue accounts.

You talked of your children "having a father". This sounds fine however they have already had an example of family life that is distorted, do you think it wise to subject them to more. Your love may be quite sufficient - even in they are the children of both of you.

If you do continue separate it does not necessarily mean the end of power plays and tricks, which is why I suggested a legal arrangement.

Good luck

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

tranzcrybe — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 13:42:38 GMT

Reconciliation, as a method, sounds like a good start in the process to talk about your differences and how (if any) the relationship can be reevaluated and structured according to mutually acceptable terms and/or for the sake of the children.
You no longer see things the way they were and are therefore in a stronger position to dictate terms; and 'fixing things' could be possible without the shadow and cost of legal intervention, but you are correct that this will have nothing to do with changing behaviours or wiping the slate clean. Instead, you will be charting a course for the foreseeable future in order to maintain a balanced engagement with the family under some formal agreement you might elect to have notarised.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 21:52:34 GMT

I understand that my independence was a triumph and I am not willing to give it up, I may never be.

There lies my problem, as when I say reconciliation I mean not as a father but as a partner and father. I can not even see a future where he was even capable of treating me as his equal. Even if I were to tell him I could try to talk this out, in my head I am still going to want a parenting agreement signed up with lawyer. I can't make him change but I wish to minimize the damage on our children. I expect that this plea to forgive him is just another means for him to gain control and reconciliation was never the true intention. I am going to constantly questioning his motives. In the last 18 months he has spent 5 days trips with his kids, and rings once a week on the phone. I was open for his visits but all I had asked was 7 days notice and him to pick reasonable days the children were at school. He made little effort to do more. He doesn't even live in the same town. I am lost how to move forward as I'd like nothing more at this point but to shut him out of our lives and move on, but father's have rights.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Thu, 06 Jun 2024 21:55:59 GMT

Days children were not at school

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Sat, 08 Jun 2024 12:54:26 GMT

Dear Elf911~

I know you talked about some form of reconciliation wiht partner and father but acknowledged he is not going to change. You would also like him out of you and your children's life.

As you say both parents do have rights, however from past performance I'm not sure you are going ot be able to 'talk though ' and get an amicable arrangement. It sounds like quite rightly you have no trust in him and he has not displayed more than a token effort of being in contact wiht the children

For you it may be about the best thing for the kids, however that is not necessarily the case for him. He may wish to control by binding agreements, by failing to meet commitments and being uncooperative where mutual decisions are concerned.

I do think you need advice to see the traps one can fall into, and trying to get that from a lawyer is not always possible without knowing what to ask - and paying for it. The organizations I mentioned before may be a ble ot give you a realistic view of what you can aim for and how to get it..

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Fri, 07 Jun 2024 23:28:44 GMT

Right from the beginning when he started texting me about fixing our relationship, I have in my mind always answered hell no. But putting that into practice is far more complicated, If I tell him straight up this is never going be a relationship again other then parents for my children, he will come back at me hard, with whatever manipulation he can find. He has already try the jealous card by mentioning another woman possible being in the picture. This doesn't bother me. What worries me is I currently live in a caravan in the back yard of a family members because the housing crisis and low income. I know this is not ideal accommodations but we are healthy, safe and generally well. We don't need any trouble from authorities because a complaint is made, I don't put it past him to make my life difficult in anyway he can. This is what scares me. I am following up with legal advice but there are wait times. He refuses to give an address to be served and says he has no permanent address because he has been traveling. Lawyers will not be able to move forward if he can not be served papers. I want to do what is best for my children, I never knew my bio father and live with scares from that experience, my children while they have issues with their father still love him dearly. While I think it is best to put boundaries in place to limit the damage he could do to them, I know his narcissistic behavior will inevitably still scar them. One of my children is already in therapy. I know there is no easy path here. I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what I already know I need to do, and find support to give me the strength to continue to stand up for myself and my children.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Sat, 08 Jun 2024 12:52:36 GMT

Dear Elf911~

Well, I can now understand all of what you have said before. You are in a horrible position and already he is starting to play games, the homeless ploy to avoid being served is just one of them and the fear that if you go too hard against him he will make a complaint and you might be forced to leave the caravan is something you can't ignore. Do you know the probable result about the effect of such a complaint to the local council (or custody settlement if it came to that)?

I'm glad for you that you have a family member who has been willing to help and you are getting legal advice. I have the feeling you have changed from the person who used to live with him. Stronger and with more insight, and less easy for him to control.

I know you are bound to be preoccupied by this, however please do take the time to look after yourself, even if you can only fit in half an hour a day. Try to do something simply because you like it and it distracts you from everything for a few minutes.

Whatever happens you are facing life with bravery, wisdom and a love for you children and the knowledge of this may give you strength in hard times. There are no more rose colored glasses and I doubt very much he can persuade you any more that somthing is your fault.

I hope you will keep on coming to us here and letting us know what's happening

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Sat, 08 Jun 2024 22:27:48 GMT

I thank you for your words, it is refreshing that a complete stranger can show kindness.

In regards to the local council they would come out to out properly to look and then a time limit for how long we are able stay in these accommodations would be given. It would give a dead line to when I'd have to find other accommodations. But if he complained to child services for example my parenting abilities is then in question and any reports could be used in court. These things never look good. I hope it doesn't come to that but nothing with him surprises me anymore, I'm just trying to brace myself before the storm hits so that I can come out the other side with less damage.

I will return to this forum because it's cost free therapy to me at this point. Just having someone that doesn't have their own opinions for me or agenda helps me think through my thoughts.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Sun, 09 Jun 2024 12:39:51 GMT

Elf911~

"I will return to this forum because it's cost free therapy to me at this point." - True, you do get our 1¢'s worth for free.😁

"Just having someone that doesn't have their own opinions for me or agenda helps me think through my thoughts. "

Look, so many people cannot leave a toxic relationship for any one of umpteen very valid reasons that make it impossible. Others do break free and that is a wonderful thing - even if it is sometimes only temporary, again for very valid reasons ('I'm not implying anything here or being defeatist). However no matter what the outcome it has to be regarded as a triumph of self, and that can be hard to persuade someone who might see it as a defeat. Pointing that out is my agenda:)

You are taking all practical steps to deal with what life has handed you. I have confidence in you and confidence in any decision you make will be the best of the options open to you. You are the person on the spot and in the best place to think out and make your decisions.

Things do change.

How are the kids taking to caravan life?

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Mon, 10 Jun 2024 21:29:07 GMT

Croix-

It crowded most days, but think it is teaching them some valuable skills, like conflict resolution and they are spending more time outside then they ever have. Less screen time is a plus. But I can tell you bed time is a challenge, they are never quite. My poor nanna has been teaching them old school manners, because they scream and flight all the time, so she tells them off. My Dad and nanna have been priceless in their support. I am ever grateful for it. I spent the last year get my driver's license, it was liberating to go out without relying on others. Now I can be more involved in my kids school life. My son tells me I am embarrassing at assembly but I tell him great I'll do it more. 😍

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Tue, 11 Jun 2024 12:14:29 GMT

Dear Elf911~

That sounds a pretty good setup, and I'm sure getting your license would have been so liberating. I would not have thought of caravan life teaching conflict resolution and other life skills. You do have a way of seeing positives.

To have willing and able grandparents there to love and offer a different mode of life is invaluable.

I loved your reply to your son "great I"ll do more of it". Kids do have to learn love comes in different ways.

Crowded may be inevitable however my suggestion you have some 'me time' still holds. You are in this situation that piles stress on stress so you need to have an excape

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Mon, 17 Jun 2024 09:30:01 GMT

I caught up with a friend last week that I hadn't seen in ten years. It was brilliant, we were like nothing has changed, just the same we had ever been. That was my me time.

I found out today that legal aid will not grant me aid for my parenting agreement so I'm back to step one, try and get my ex partner to cooperate. I can't afford the expense of lawyers to get this settled.

Do you know of any low or no cost mediation groups that might be able to help in the wide bay/ Fraser Coast area in QLD? I know years ago there was but much has changed. In any regards, I'll have to have another sit down with a lawyer to ask for advice.

Feels like one step forward two steps back at this point. I'm relying on the fact I know that he can't handle our kids for a prolonged amount of time, for him not to just up and leave with them on one of his few visits. I would have no legal powers to have them returned. At least that's what the lawyer had told me before.

It's frustrating how little power we have now in this politically correct society for situations like this. Nothing surprises me with my ex partner anymore, he is capable of causing trouble just because he can.

I'm also relying on the fact that he is currently dodging civil proceedings in court, for a scum he ripped people off. They haven't been able to serve him because he has no fixed address. He still refuses to give me anything. Yet thinks that he can text me to fix things and put some money for the children in my account. He thinks I'll be pacified by money, he really doesn't know me at all. I will except the money, but that will not stop me for getting this agreement on paper.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Mon, 17 Jun 2024 13:19:57 GMT

Dear EFl911~

I'm very glad you were able to see your friend again, a little normalcy in a life that is in upheaval.

I can't say I'm that surprised about Legal Aid, in all states they seem to be somewhat limited in what they can take on.

No, I don't know of free services in your area, except Womens' Legal Services may have branch nearby - the link I have given you is the national HQ, and they have a listing for each state. I'm not sure they can help but would be worth a try. I'm sure they will have heard of similar situations before.

Perhaps you might like to contact our own 24/7 Help Line as well , they may have some ideas.

It is frustrating to feel so powerless, particularly as it sounds like he is making things difficult on purpose because he knows you can do little - at the moment.

Things do change, in the meantime i would think you are able to make the caravan a fun comfortable place for the kids - and yourself.

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Fri, 28 Jun 2024 00:26:32 GMT

I was able to get in contact with relationship Australia and I am waiting for my appointment. Hopefully they can help with this parenting agreement.

As of the 17th of June, people that he appears to have ripped off through his business dealings has sued for debt recovery and for 11 people on file, were awarded 4.8 million dollars. His narcissistic behavior has no boundaries, and yet he continues to claim he is innocent in this matter. I sure as hell never seen any of this money, begging every week while we were together for the cash for household expenses.

I would like nothing better then to allow myself and my children to move on in life without him in it. But I accept father's have amount in rights. I'm anonymous online because I don't want to attract attention of those people he has so clear pissed off over money.

In truth, I have a better relationship with my children now than when we were a couple. That I am grateful for. Trying to be grateful for the things that are in my control to change and accept the things I can not.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Fri, 28 Jun 2024 14:04:29 GMT

Dear Elf911~

Sorts of reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

Give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

I"m not surprised you are getting on better with oyur kids, your ex would have tried to force a wedge between you, and even just his influence would have been harmful

No, I guess wiht that large a series of debts and debtors there would be nothing left. I hope you have enough income as it sounds very much as if you are on your own in that department.

You are very capable person with a very positive attitude. Irrespective of you circumstances I think you can be an inspiration to others.

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 13:06:48 GMT

The serenity prayer is my inspiration.

There is nothing, because I left with nothing. It is well gone what ever the debt might be.

I do try to be positive and on the outside that is what people will see but inside that parts I don't share even with my closest family and friends, I'm struggling to get pass the what ifs?

He has been messaging me with lots of sorrys and please forgive me, and I know it's all my fault. I am still waiting for my promises face to face meeting for questions and answers.

There were moments of happiness and love in our previous relationship but they were few and far between. He says he will do anything that I ask, but I know this to be foolish hope. I know if I asked him to completely give up gambling, which is his means to all this financial issues, it will not happen. But I truly believe that his issues go far deeper than an addiction.

I am scared of if I give him that ultimative, that he will give it all up and that he might actually do that what I ask.

My reality check is that will never happen. But the what if actually scares me. I don't even know if I have the strength to demand it.

I try to be positive and brave but under it all is a scared little girl who ultimately doesn't want to be alone.

I know returning to what was broken well before braking, will do no good for me and my children but I guess I still hold that small hope of what could have been.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Croix — Wed, 03 Jul 2024 13:25:57 GMT

Dear Elf911~

Of course you yearn for the times that were good and ream about the 'maybe's, it is only natural, and I'm sure there must have been good times, at least at first. This really does lead to two hard things, the first trying to be realistic as to what would happen if you got back together. When he is in 'promise mode' many things seem possible.

The second is being alone, an unhappy state, and one it is very understandable to be afraid of. All I can say it looks to me from you writing you have a lot to offer the right person.

Neither path is easy.

You may well be right, that his issues go deeper and perhaps could only be addressed by proper informed therapy. If that were to happen and you were together I think you would have to play a part in ensuring his therapist had an accurate picture and being supportive at home for small victories -not in the least easy eaither.

Still, it may be you will not have to make a decision after the face to face if he does not manage to convince you things would be different.

I hope you keep on letting us know how things go

Croix

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Fri, 19 Jul 2024 12:26:42 GMT

He has finally agreed to a meeting. While I welcome a chance to talk about the things that have not been spoken about I am apprehenctive about the outcome of this meeting.

He says he loves me but I know that he can not make the life changes to have me in his life in a meaningful way, but is it enough for our children? He says in his texts that he will do anything that I ask to be able to be in his children's lives but he also says in not so many words that he doesn't want to face the problems that he created.

There clearly is no easy quick fix and I know he knows that and all this was never to fix things but closure for him. Already twice mentioned another women that he was unable to say he loved, another ploy to guilty me or something.

I am just over all the games. I want MY life back.

Re: Narcissistic parent of my children

Elf911 — Mon, 22 Jul 2024 09:30:33 GMT

I meet with my ex partner today to talk in person for the first time since our separation over 18 months ago. He was so apologetic and agreeable with everything I asked him to do to move forward in co-parenting. It was very unbelievable behavior for me to believe it to be sincere. I made a point in saying apologies are just words, I need an amends in actions, to be functioning co-parents and made it clear there is no future where we are romantically involved.

He agreed to a mediation for a parenting agreement and moving forward to go to therapy/psychology to work on his own shit. Also agreed to be held accountable to going and letting me be involved in this process to prove he can be a functioning father.

While this gives me a small amount of hope he can change, I hold no delusions about the future. But I at least feel like I took back the control over my life that I should never have let go of.

I am proud that I told him all the years of abuse were never good enough and I won't be letting him treat me that way again.

He still playing the victim when it comes to his business debt, that it is some conspiracy about him doing so well that the gambling companies had to threatened him, and it was all to keep me and the child safe. Which involved houses being shot up and followed. Still very unbelievable.

I told him he needs to give up gambling and start attending AA meetings. He insists that this danger is no longer relevant because he stopped gambling already.

Only time will tell if he really wants to be a functioning father, by his actions.