topic Want to leave partner. in Relationship and family issues

Want to leave partner.

Ruth-07621 — Wed, 09 Feb 2022 23:55:23 GMT

Hi, wondering if anyone has any experiences with this they could shed some light for me?!

I have been planning to leave my partner for a few months, actually made the decision. He smokes weed alot and emotionally abusive. Not full on but enough to make me cry alot, not love him anymore and want to leave.

I have been working casually and also studying. I have low self esteem and have found it hard to get another job to support myself. My plan was to get full time work and pay rent myself but the situation is getting more urgent to leave. It is so toxic here.

I am thinking about asking my parents if I can move in with them until I get a f/t job. It's just , I'm in my early 30's now which for one makes me feel ashamed I haven't got my life together and two I feel like such a burden on them. I have moved in and out of their place in the past , leaving another partner on and off. My dad said not to come back, kinda jokingly but... now I don't want to ask.

My parents don't know anything about what I've been going through here and I'm considering just telling them the truth. I just feel so ashamed of my situation. What would you do?!!

Want to leave partner.

Sophie_M — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 01:44:24 GMT

Hi Ruth-07621,

Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:

1800 RESPECT’s advice on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to be safer while you’re there and as you plan to leave
It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here
Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here.

Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Want to leave partner.

white knight — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 02:29:37 GMT

Hi, welcome

I personally wouldnt return to your parents place. I would seek out flatmate shared accommodation in a location nearby your work.

Secondly, perhaps 2 part time jobs is a better plan? Just something to consider as it offers more variety than 8 straight hours in one place.

Good luck.

TonyWK

Want to leave partner.

Sophia16 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 07:20:47 GMT

Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for being so open. It seems like you are feeling distressed and alone.

Moving in with your parents may feel embarrassing at 30, but trust me, I am sure they will be more than happy to have you back. They are your parents at the end of the day. They raised you and they love you.

Remember you are the most important thing in this world. it may sound selfish, but it is true. You have to do what is best for you.

Stay safe and I am always here to chat.

Want to leave partner.

Ruth-07621 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 08:29:51 GMT

Hi Tony,

I have actually spoken to one of the reach out services today. And that's another option that came up, to find a share house. Also getting another part time job seems less overwhelming and less stressful , that is a really good idea.. This all seems the way that feels right for me at the moment. I have more clarity. Thank you for your non judgemental support and kind words.

Want to leave partner.

Chocolate_brownies89 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 09:36:15 GMT

Wow your situation sounds so similar to mine

Don't stress about what you haven't achieved

Just work on improving your future one day at a time 😃

And I also suggest talking to your family to get some support

Good luck with it all

Want to leave partner.

Juliet_84 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 10:24:05 GMT

Hi Ruth,

My sister moved back on with my parents when she got divorced until she got back on her feet. And I moved in with my sister for a time when I separated from my ex-partner until I found a decent place on my own. I honestly wouldn’t worry in the slightest what random people think. But I would return as an adult, offer to cook a few nights a week, make sure they understand it’s only a temporary arrangement etc and maybe put a timeline on it (even if just internally) so you have something to work towards. Just do what you need to do to get yourself to a stronger place again xx

Want to leave partner.

Banksy92 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 11:11:29 GMT

Hi Ruth,

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for reaching out about this, we want to support you. I'm so sorry you've been victim to an emotionally abusive partner, you deserve so much better. It's really positive that you're able to see that you want to get away from this and are looking for the best option.

While I don't know your relationship with your parents well, it sounds as though they would be a good option as a temporary way out of the house. If it is safe to do so, I would speak to them honestly about what's going on, and make a plan together about how you can get out. Whether its staying with them for a few weeks while you look for a share house or rental. Or staying long term to get yourself to a better place mentally and then plan your next move. I'm sure they will prefer you are happy and safe, rather than in an awful relationship and stuck?

Alternatively, do you have a close friend you can speak to and/or stay with?

Let us know how you're getting on.

Want to leave partner.

Ruth-07621 — Thu, 10 Feb 2022 23:57:44 GMT

Thanks for the messages,

I have been in controlling relationship in the past that drove me away from friends and family, I don't have friends that I can stay with.

Today I am focusing on finding work and studying a bit.

Tomorrow I might think about the possibility of talking to my parents as I try to get on my feet. A lot of changes are happening but its for the best.

Thanks for your encouragement, all of the messages have been very helpful and I feel stronger for it.

Want to leave partner.

Learn to Fly — Fri, 11 Feb 2022 00:24:59 GMT

Hi Ruth-07621

I'd also consider shared accommodation rather than going back to your parents' house. In saying that, it wouldn't hurt to talk to them and tell them about your current situation. Even if you don't end up living with them, it's good to feel your family's support.

Good Luck!

Want to leave partner.

Ruth-07621 — Fri, 11 Feb 2022 05:03:49 GMT

How would you start this conversation? My parents are not people I ever talk to about things so it feels kind of wrong and impossible. But I'm not sure what else I can do. When I talk to my partner I assume we will need to give real estate 28 days notice and pay rent for the month. I don't think he would stay here either.

I am struggling with this transitioning part. I feel like my only option is to save enough to pay for my new place and pay last month of rent here.. so save to pay double rent for a month. And it's been bumming me because I haven't been able to secure enough work yet. Although still trying.

Want to leave partner.

Learn to Fly — Fri, 11 Feb 2022 10:39:24 GMT

Hi Ruth-07621,

If you were to talk to your parents, how would you feel about telling them the truth? You had mentioned this in your first post and this is usually the best way to talk.

How to start... Probably depending on how you feel about it. You can either make some small talk and slowly start telling them how things are. Or cut to the chase and tell them what you have told us: how you have been emotionally abused and you can't take it any longer. You have done all that is in your power and beyond to improve the situation you are in but you will need all the help you can get.

You have done nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong. But you might have been manipulated into thinking that you should be ashamed of your situation. This might be difficult for you but please try to be kind to yourself.

Also, to feel less overwhelmed by everything that's been happening, if possible, try to focus on one step at a time. Maybe even write everything down and then try to prioritise, or pick what things you can try to do first. You can present it as a pyramid where the ultimate goal for you (the peak of the pyramid) is to move out and leave your partner. Below, put the main things that need to be done in order to achieve your ultimate goal i.e. move out - find new accommodation and find another job. Further down, list things you can do to achieve these two sub-goals, and so on and so forth.

How does this sound to you? This is only an idea/suggestion and I apologise if this is something that might be completely out of your comfort zone.

Thinking of you and here to chat more.

Want to leave partner.

Ruth-07621 — Sat, 12 Feb 2022 00:55:13 GMT

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insights. I am going to think about all of that, and get my priorities in order.
I am so glad I reached out to the forum . I have not been thinking very clearly in amongst my depression with all of this.
Will see how I go with sticking to a plan to stay focused. 🙏

Want to leave partner.

Juliet_84 — Sat, 12 Feb 2022 03:34:11 GMT

Hi Ruth,

I would just sit down and talk with your parents and explain that you and your partner are separating. You can explain to them a bit what you have been going through, and that you can’t anymore. And then I’d ask them whether you would be ok to move in for a time until you get back on your feet. Explain to them that it is a temporary situation and you will contribute to expenses and cook a few nights a week etc, so you won’t be a burden. And see what they say. They are entitled to say no but I can’t imagine many people saying no when their children need help.

Want to leave partner.

Learn to Fly — Sat, 12 Feb 2022 21:08:10 GMT

It's hard to think clearly when so many stressful things are happening. We become overwhelmed and end up in panic mode. Nobody is rational during such an emotional upheaval. I am also glad you have shared your story with us. You just never know what other people might bring into your life. Worth a shot I say.

Want to leave partner.

Banksy92 — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 05:05:31 GMT

Hi Ruth, just checking in to see how you're feeling? I hope you are doing okay and are still working towards your plan.

Did you have a chance to speak with your parents for a place to stay?

If it ever feels like too much, remember you can always call the Beyond Blue helpline to speak with someone and work through how you are feeling.

Thinking of you.

Want to leave partner.

Guest_1643 — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 09:03:33 GMT

Hello,

Great responses

If u haven't told Ur parents what is going on, then maybe they aren't support ppl for you.

If u have nowhere to go and it will help u stabilise it's fine to move back, but in my opinion would only help if u have a lovomg and close rapport with them, and they know u need a bit more support to Ur self esteem while moving on from a break up

Many ppl move back in wirh their parents after a break up, but it'd be good if u could work towards having Ur independent space.