topic Re: Is this normal? in Relationship and family issues

Is this normal?

snowflake_1903 — Mon, 11 Mar 2024 08:00:56 GMT

Is it just my family, that when i do something wrong, my mum is always name shaming, always going off about how incompetent i am. She gets agressive, throwing things around, slamming doors, and disregarding my personal items. And sometimes my dad, when he gets angry with something i've done, he doesn't hold back and yells.

I work with him, and i once handed a customer too much change, and he yelled about how dumb i was and how he was going to go buy me a calculator, infront of our collegues and customers. I felt so little, unimportant and unnecessary.

I can't dress a certain way. Yet my mum always says if i had your body, the things i would wear. So why aren't you letting me express myself and my 'beautiful body' the way i want to?

Why do i have to hide. I feel as though i am incapable of finding myself because i don't have the freedom. Yes i am allowed to buy whatever i want, i work and earn my own money. But i still get questioned. I'm allowed to go out with friends, go to concerts, i have freedom in my social life, if that makes sense. But i don't have freedom to be myself, because then i'm being weird.

I wear my airpods in the car and listen to my own music, because if i play it in the car, my mum says something about how weird it is, or how she doesn't know any and she wants me to change it. And when i put my airpods in, im being disrespectful.

Sometimes it comes to the point where if i just left, and wasn't around anymore, how much calmer things would be. How much happier and relaxed the people around me would be. But then the only thing really keeping my weighed down is my cat. The one little thing that i have left. The one living thing that doesn't hurt me. I always think, if i left, what would they do to her, or what would happen to her. So i stay. For her sake.

Whenever i say someting, or something happens in their day to day lives, i prepare myself mentally. Because i know whatever they're feeling, they're going to take out on me.

And if they've had a bad day, and I do or say soemthing that pushed them off the edge without realising, will make me a shitting, selfish, disrespectful person.

I feel like this is more of a rant, so sorry about that. I don't feel safe in a way, to talk to my friends about this. Because i'm the counsellor for them. No one is the counsellor for me. And i feel alone and can't wait till i move far away, and don't have to worry about who's going to hurt me next.

Re: Is this normal?

Mens_Amitti — Mon, 11 Mar 2024 17:07:02 GMT

Not just your family. Not normal, but not uncommon unfortunately.

The violence is a bit excessive, but context is important. Throwing a knife compared to throwing a towel, slamming a door so it's loud compared to slamming it so the hinges break. Doing it a few times a day compared to once every few weeks.

It does sound like what most teenagers experience, and when you are a parent you will understand why.

It sounds like you have the sort of freedom most people in their late teens/early 20s have, unless you have already moved out.

What a boss does to an employee needs to be professional, but the employee needs to be professional too. Workplace harrassment is very real, and you should not ignore it. If that's what was happening, you need to speak to your union representative.

You seem to feel like you are their whipping boy when they're angry. If that's what is happening, moving away won't always stop it.

You can talk to a councillor, or a mediator, or even get your GP to give you a referral for a psychologist to talk to if it's really bad.

Ignoring it will only let the problem fester.

Re: Is this normal?

therising — Mon, 11 Mar 2024 20:08:41 GMT

Hi snowflake_1903

A beautiful guiding light for others needs light shed for themself on occasion. Being a counselor to your friends doesn't mean you can't seek some form of enlightenment from them, if they have some to offer. Sometimes it's about finding ways to stay your brilliant and warm self.

As you strive to be yourself and discover more about who you naturally are, I congratulate you for staying strong, even when you find certain people and challenges in life depressing. It can be so incredibly hard to remain strong and steadfast, when others are leading you to doubt yourself so much. I should say, to be labelled as 'weird' is one thing, to proudly wear the label of 'happily weird' is something else. As a 53yo gal sitting here with my bright pink hair, wondering whether I'll put purple into it today, I am happily weird. And as some of my beliefs and practices differ from mainstream society and even family members, I continue to be happily weird. When I consider the number of times I'd fallen into depression, trying to please others and be 'acceptable', 'weird' brings me so much joy. I don't think the 'normal' people realise how much joy there actually is in being weird. 😁

If you're a sensitive person, it should be pretty easy to sense who's depressing and who's not. I've found mastering sensitivity to be incredibly challenging over the years. In different stages

'What's wrong with me? Why am I so sensitive?'
'I'll try not to be so sensitive, based on what everyone tells me' ('You're too sensitive. You need to toughen up' Grrr😡)
Suppressing is becoming too hard and too depressing. I can't live like this
THE REVELATION: 'Being sensitive means I have the ability to sense. It's not a fault'
'How am I going to begin sensing constructively?' or 'How am I going to develop the ability to get a better feel for things/people/circumstances/intuition etc?'
'How am I going to manage and master all the ways in which I can feel?'

and on it goes.

It's like being able to feel what someone says to you, how depressing or degrading it is. What are you going to do with that? Challenging our self to question out loud (next level challenge) can sound a bit like 'I can't help but question why you feel compelled to be so depressing at times'. Mind you, this will often get the response 'I'm not depressing. You're just sensitive'. 'Of course I'm sensitive, how else do you think I can sense what you just said to me. If you can't sense your own words, you have a problem'. Going from being ashamed to be sensitive to being proud of the fact you can sense can be a long and challenging section of our life's path.

It can be hard to lead insensitive people to come to their senses, so they can feel compassion for others, feel the need to inspire as opposed to degrade, feel the need to offer people room for growth in becoming the best and most natural version of themself. You can already feel/sense these things and more. You are far more advanced than some of those you know.