topic Re: Should I get divorce in Relationship and family issues

Should I get divorce

MaryDDD — Sat, 13 Jan 2024 14:24:59 GMT

Me and my husband has been together for ten years and we had two kids. My husband was used to be a loving caring person toward me. Everything changed since we were in a situation when we have to strive so hard everyday to work and earn income to survive. Since i had my second child ( she is 9 months), he has never helped me with the house chore or even tried to look after my kids. He claimed that he was too busy at work and tired. But im working too you know. I have to go to work at 5am till 2pm 5 days a week then drove my kids from school, feed them cook meals and cleaned. I wouldnt have time for myself. Im very depressed at the cost of living plus the uncareness from my husband. We fought a lot and he often hit me when it happened. I wanted to divorce so bad but thinking abt my kids and also my income isnt high as his, how am i going to pay the mortgage and everything. I really scared my kids will have a worse life. But i am really stressed. I felt everyday is torment. House is a jail. I felt i couldnt cope with everything. I wish i just have a better income source that I can provide my children, buy off the house and leave him. What should i do

Re: Should I get divorce

white knight — Sun, 14 Jan 2024 04:52:44 GMT

Hi, welcome,

Many couples are feeling the stress now with rising costs and wages arent keeping the same rate of climb, it's hard. Two income families with kids and a mortgage sounds like a recipe for disaster, in fact it often is unless, the parents work well together during all the other times outside of work. Cooking, cleaning, home maintenance and looking after your kids. (PS they are both your kids but you refer to them as "my kids").

It seems you are prepared to remain with your husband even after being physically abused, so counselling is needed to give yourselves the best opportunity to survive.

Does he mow the lawn? Maintain the house?, the car? what does he do on weekends if you dont mind me asking?

Clearly if you separate you likely wont be able to afford the same mortgage on less than half the current salary you both get now. One cant expect the same lifestyle. So in answer to your income post separation I suggest you make a Centrelink appointment, tell them the circumstances and ask them what income you'll get on the single pension. Then figure out if you can work part time to supplement your income.

However, counselling does work in many cases and it could be the wake up call he needs.

TonyWK

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 06:13:36 GMT

Hi MaryDDD,

I feel and know your pain as I got divorced for pretty much the same reason, so my advice to you is, DON'T! Trust me, there is more value in sticking it out and just sucking it up. Life, work, marriage, family is hard - there is no magic bullet, it is just nose to the grind and off you go. It is the same for everyone - even rich people! But, in the long run, it will be worth it and you and your husband can look back and enjoy the hard work that has paid off, and you will have a family. There is nothing more important, meaningful or comforting and supportive than family. I wish I had been given this advise when I divorced. It's hard and leaving seems easier, but it isn't and it doesn't get better it gets worse! Don't do it, please. If one good thing can come from my divorce, it's supporting others not to. It annoys me that so flippantly people say, Oh, fifty per cent of marriages end in divorce as if your just going to the shop to get bread. Well, for those fifty per cent, there are 100% people out there miserable.

I wrote in another post that acknowledging the support, friendship and commitment from another is crucial in strengthening your bonds especially in times when they are weakened.

Your family is the most important thing in the world. Your children need you. When they are teenagers, leaving school, stepping into life, you want to be there, you want them to have a stable home because it makes all the difference. You will hate every moment you are not sharing all their experiences, trust me.

Hang in there. Perhaps have a date night. Enjoy a picnic with your family, extended if you have. Nurture the precious gifts you have been given.

My biggest regret is that now, I am alone, I have missed my children's adult transition because I have not been in the same house. I do not enjoy the benefits of reflecting on the years together and the years ahead, together. Discuss your concerns with your family, your husband, without being degrading to him or yourself. Focus on the future and the benefit a strong, stable home has on your children's future. We know as adults the destruction divorce causes in later life, so do the hard, but ultimately, the best thing. Stick with it.

There is a lot more value in preservation than breaking things apart.

Deep breaths, work hard, love hard and enjoy your beautiful, precious family.

OMD.

Re: Should I get divorce

MaryDDD — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 19:26:12 GMT

Thank you for giving me these advices.

i will take it slowly and re think. Hope everything work out better for you too

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 00:11:49 GMT

Thank you MaryDDD. All the best. Never take your marriage and family for granted.

Re: Should I get divorce

Carus — Wed, 17 Jan 2024 07:56:19 GMT

Whilst I appreciate OMDs post about trying to keep a family together, if you are being physically abused you MUST start plans to get the hell out of there! Start by stashing some money away....

Yes it will be hard....but not impossible....

Maybe you've already discussed things with your husband but it is NEVER justified to stay in a relationship where there is domestic violence......

As for your kids, what sort of message is it sending to them to see and hear their own mother being emotionally and/or physically abused...?? Will they grow up thinking that it's normal and repeat the same patterns in their own relationships...!?

Save your marriage if you can and want to, but personally I advocate for start planning an escape. The transition will be difficult no doubt, but there are men out here who would love you as you deserve and NEVER resort to hitting you....Trust me on that.

All the Best*

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 20:28:36 GMT

Hi Carus,

I concur, domestic violence is never alright and increases with financial stress, a horrible cycle. Marriages, families, providing, is hard yakka, especially if both parents are working and only one's doing the housework, but if everyone can see they are working toward the same thing it takes a lot of the sting out and maybe even, that hard work becomes satisfying, something you can reflect on at the end of the week and be proud of, plus, you have your family around you. It's a gift we forget how blessed we are to have.

OMD.

Re: Should I get divorce

white knight — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 22:53:59 GMT

Hi Carus

Excellent post

TonyWK

Re: Should I get divorce

Carus — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 01:21:38 GMT

Thankyou White Knight and OMD.

I agree with you, having your family is a blessing....so long as it's not tooooo dysfunctional lol

I know. I've lost children before through ex partners who have decided to pack up and leave. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone!

So I would agree.....with the caveat that yes, BOTH parties need to be working towards resolution. Unfortunately this is rarely the case, and if there's physical violence going on, we would have to be concerned for that persons safety before they end up on the nightly news 😞

That said I may have just entered a relationship with someone who might have BPD. My friend thinks I should run for the hills while I can, but I don't want to just give up on her so quickly. If it's too much and comes to that point, I do hope I have the strength to walk away. Family or not, noone should stay in an abusive situation.

Regards
Carus

Re: Should I get divorce

white knight — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 03:06:12 GMT

Hi Carus

I'm bipolar, depression and dysthymia. It has been suggested last month that I have high functioning Asperger's and having my wife read up on it, it seems highly likely.

In the book she's reading they suggest that a supportive partner is almost the sole key to a happy life. Eg If we are in a social setting and I say the wrong thing then my wife can elaborate and I'll pick up on that and "sorry, I didnt mean it in that context".

So, BPD although very hard to live with and very hard to treat, you are the rudder that sets and maintain the course of the illness. Furthermore, those with mental health issues usually have other crafts by which to demonstrate an exciting life eg we arent your typical stereotype. Many with mental health issues are artists, entertainers, adventurers or poets.

The love, wonder, never a boring moment of living with someone with a mental health problem can be rewarding. My wife now laughs at my antics whereas in the early days she was agast.

TonyWK

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 04:41:17 GMT

Carus,

I am so sorry, abuse is never right and there should not be levels of abuse before you leave. You have lost children before when partners have left, you must feel so stuck. Is there a quiet place in the home you can retreat to when you sense a discussion or situation becoming frustrating or unsettling for you? Somewhere you can be quiet and alone? Perhaps beneath a tree in the garden, where you can close your eyes and breath until you feel you can return to the home, perhaps put on some soft soothing music, give everyone a hug then get on with the cleaning or cooking or laundry, or whatever it is your family need you to do for them. I regret begrudging housework when I should have been overjoyed to have a family to clean and cook for.

Cycles of violence can be broken when the stages are identified early. I lost my marriage because I became a nagging angry, aggressive, violent witch until my husband just snapped and that was it. I regret everyday I didn't see what I had instead of what I'd lost or wanted - a lesson I struggle with to this day! I did not have the best role models and before anyone says it, I don't blame anyone but myself. This does not address the cause.

There's a lot of heavy personal emotional pain we carry and sprinkle on the next generation if we don't take deep breaths, set some goals, make some plans, make a budget together...this sounds like white trash rubbish probably but I think it applies to all people. As a family unit, as a community, a country, a planet, working these things out together is bonding and shifts the focus onto what can be done. It's almost like there is no however because unless the cause is addressed, it will repeat again and again. However, everyone is right, if it's unsafe, you need to leave immediately.

I am hearing you sister. We have a lot of support, means and ways to leave, because often that is all we've known. Knowing how to stay and flourish - for all your family - that's where we need a lot more guidance, if not from family, then from community.

OMD.

Sometimes, people just need to be shown or told how to be, how to live. We would all love someone to do the hard yards for us, but unfortunately, not even a lotto win excuses us from our service to making this world a better one.

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 04:47:08 GMT

This thread has become quite interesting as it started with MaryDDD and has moved toward Carus, in similar situations but different extremes?

Re: Should I get divorce

Carus — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 05:00:33 GMT

Tony.

Not to hijack this thread but thankyou for your vulnerability and good information.

I have anehedonia and quite deep abandonment wounds. So I believe we all have our flaws and if you're out there seeking the perfect Unicorn, ur probably going to be alone for a lonnnnnng time!

Yes I've been reading similar content in that when the storm hits, all I can do is hold space and do my best to stay emotionally centered.....These are my challenges as I find confrontation triggers me and I don't handle it that well....

Kudos to your wife and to you as well as the only person who can really improve you, is You*

I'm a trained psychotherapist so hopefully I can perhaps steer her in the right direction. But we are also trained not to be a therapist for our romantic partners right. And she would have to WANT to do the work otherwise it's probably not going to change.....

HOWEVER, I recently saw an interesting video where the guy was saying that with the right kind of support, BPD can generally subside mostly on it's own. And 35% of BPDs are in remission within 1 year and up to 90/95% are in remission within 10-15 years....So that gives me hope....if I can handle it for that long... 🙂

That said, I've known my GF for a year and I've only seen her meltdown once, so I also might be being too quick to over diagnose her....it was a pretty severe meltdown though and aimed directly at me even though I hadn't done anything wrong!

Again, not to hijack this thread but if you wanted to talk further or give me any tips or info, you're more than welcome to start a thread about it or send me a PM. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to PM anyone in here*

Regards
Carus*

Re: Should I get divorce

Carus — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 05:10:33 GMT

Hi OMD,

Sorry I just now saw your post....

I guess I didn't give enough info (coz it's not my thread) but firstly I'm a male lol. Secondly, there's no space in the family home because there is no family home. Those relationships already ended and I live alone....

I did start a thread here a few weeks back entitled "I Feel Just Terrible". I'd be more than happy to discuss anything further in there with you. Tony or anyone else 🙂

Regards
Carus*

Re: Should I get divorce

MaryDDD — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 20:40:39 GMT

Thank you everyone for the advices.

For me it is really hard atm to pack up and leave because the financial bond between me and my husband is too big. We both build things up together. It is hard to get to where we are in term of financial gain. Thats why I feel like I will put my kids into disadvantaged and distress if I decide to free myself. Everyday it feel like prison, knowing that the person who lived with you never going to try to change and grow with you. Im trying to have a money escape plan but it just seem hard as I have to pay for so many things. I dont even have time for myself. I have no hobbies cause i couldnt afford time to have one. I dont know how im going to keep up with this. At the moment I just work a lot try to burry all my depression.

Re: Should I get divorce

white knight — Tue, 06 Feb 2024 06:27:51 GMT

Hi again Mary

Living as you are I dont believe is sustainable, it wont get better, he has proved to be physically abusive and sometimes those spouses can restrict their partners financially so they cannot leave.

I understand the financial issues of separation as it has happened to me 3 times now but on each occasion I've found peace in that half or nearly half of the property/assets are mine and no one elses. It's something to build on.

I know you came here for help. Sometimes the help you need isnt taken up because in your case, you feel its best to live with it. Thats a choice you can make but I urge you to be careful and keep thinking of a plan to leave if one day the abuse returns.

Take care

TonyWK

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Wed, 07 Feb 2024 00:30:32 GMT

Hi MaryDDD,

Your circumstance sounds so much like my own before I left and while the pressure was relieved, what was lost, the family unit, 12 years on, remains impossible to bare.

Every action has a reaction and to every positive there is a negative.

Upon reflection, I see my stuck thoughts led to my divorce - pretty much you "will" the end by your thoughts because leaving becomes your happy place, your release, the light, easier than communicating, sticking with it, resolving the issue. Do you have another family member - a sister, aunt - who may be able to support you?

This probably isn't the best advice but if I had medicinal cannabis during my marriage, it would have saved us because medication, which I use now, a little too late, takes that self-sabotage, depression burden away and functioning happily happens. Life certainly would have felt a lot less depressing and burdened and I wouldn't have blamed everyone around me for my "lot" - which was pretty good despite everything compared to being alone now. There are heaps of medications out there but cannabis is natural and less demand on the body to metabolise.

When people hear "hitting" - understandably, the advice is to leave. You know yourself the causes and severity - from a female perspective - if the pressure is relieved, you will feel more content so conflicts reduced - meds help make the moments bareable.

Obviously if your husband is naturally violent then your safety an your children's is paramount. If the aggression is born from your unhappiness, medication can help.

You sound conflicted. There is no easy way out but in time, sticking with it will reap rewards in spades.

Do you have to work so hard? Maybe cut down to three days - go part-time while the kids are young. Rejig the budget, your wellbeing is more important. How would your husband feel about this?

OMD.

Re: Should I get divorce

Carus — Wed, 07 Feb 2024 13:54:27 GMT

Hi Mary* - I tend to agree with Tony. It's probably not going to be sustainable and probably won't get better....

Living every day feeling you are in a prison is not the way to live the life you were given on this Earth.

Difficult situation for sure and I'm sorry to read that you have ended up here. So I'll just say this: You're not the first person to find themselves in this position and sadly you won't be the last. But you also wouldn't be the first person to find a way to resolve this.....

You never know how strong you can be until being strong becomes your only option*

Regards

Carus*

Re: Should I get divorce

MaryDDD — Thu, 08 Feb 2024 11:03:31 GMT

Im an orphan actually. Therefore i dont have family to go back for shelter. My friends have their own family so the only things i can do is to share my thought with them. Thats why i felt trapped and exhausted all the time. I have to work so that i can save some money but it hard for me as i have to pay for most of our things. If not because of the kid i would have chose to suicide. Thats how depressed i feel.

Re: Should I get divorce

One_More_Day — Thu, 08 Feb 2024 11:24:19 GMT

Hang in there MaryDDD,

And as much as the boy's advice is really insightful, it is not a female perspective so impossible for them fully understand the unbearable pain, exhaustion, and self-sabotage being unsupported creates. It is and always will be man's world and we just have to work ten times as hard for half the joy and satisfaction in this life. Despite all the feminist rah rah, it's still a man's world and worse, especially in Australia, dominated by accountant and lawyers and aggressive, competitive ambitious heartless...people whom I imagine think their all doing us a big favour.