topic Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f... in Relationship and family issues

Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

KTOWN — Thu, 04 Jan 2024 13:06:48 GMT

I have been with my husband for 22 years.

We now have a 7 year old boy and an 8 year old girl.

4 months ago I asked my husband to move to the spare bedroom. He has however continually tries to get back to the main bedroom which I have said no to until he is sober.

Everyday is different. One day he promises to get sober after a certain date (normally after say an event is on, friends leaving town, birthday etc). Never happens.

I recently told the kids that their Dad is an alcoholic and a sick man and I don't love him anymore. I told them that as long as he stays in the spare bedroom we will stay a family unit. My son doesn't understand why I don't love his Dad and is worried his Dad will leave us because he knows I don't like him and my husband has been verbal about his requirements in the house.

He still holds down a VERY good job however I am fearful he will lose it. He will get caught drink driving a company car or something will happen.

He is verbally abusive when confronted. Purchased a vibrator for me and when I refused to use it or have sex with him (been months) he told me he was going to use it on another woman who will like it, threatened to cut me off from the bank account, told me he has "needs", among an array of other things.

Passed out in the bathtub a few weeks ago and flooded the house. I had to wake him and make him clean up all the water. It was down the hallway and into the dining room.

The list is extensive and I hide as much as I can from the kids.

All my husbands friends think I am too hard on him. Half of them are alcoholics as well.

The situation is intense. I have been in hospital twice with anxiety.

My husband now tells my I am telling the kids he is a 'bad person". He is in complete denial.

Any tips especially regards the kids?

Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

Sophie_M — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 00:18:32 GMT

Hi KTOWN,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you for your honesty in sharing what sounds like a very difficult situation you are dealing with. We're sure others will be able to relate to your situation but we wanted to provide some resources that you could access for additional support.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment, between dealing with the verbal abuse and trying your best to shield the behaviour from your children. You have the right to be communicated with and treated with respect and verbal abuse is never ok, it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

Situations like this can have an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

Thanks again for sharing here. We appreciate your kindness and bravery in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

white knight — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 02:04:23 GMT

Hi Ktown, welcome

You certainly have a challenge ahead. I'm so glad you chose beyondblue to share them and hopefully we can give some support.

As a person living previously with an alcoholic I can relate to your frustration. Unfortunately one of the challenges so hard to overcome is that we cant force adults to seek help. That does leave many options. Because it is an addiction perhaps that fact is best shared with your children when you deem it appropriate but also he is their dad and therefore painting him in a positive light is also helping your kids differentiate between the dad with the addiction and the dad with his love for them.

Your anxiety is serious and that needs attention. I had anxiety for 22 years+ and had to try several ideas to overcome it. However I was away from the source whereas your anxiety will likely linger while you have this abuse issue.

I suggest a first meeting (usually free) with a family law solicitor would make things clear for you if and when you separate especially on financial grounds. You would be entitled to property and child support if you have sole custody more than a certain percentage, It's complex hence professional advice is gold at this time. You could also attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) on your own to find out others views on how they tackled the addiction so it gives you some knowledge on how to approach him.

I hope I've helped you a little. We adults cant automatically know how to deal with issues we have no knowledge of how to, so you've done well.

TonyWK

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

KTOWN — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 22:22:50 GMT

I have reached out to AlAnon. I am just not sure I want to go. Small town Nd I’m embarrassed to go but let’s face it most people would know what I’m dealing with.

I feel as if many think I’m making up a big issue over spilt tea.

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

KTOWN — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 22:25:50 GMT

I will read up on that link.

we are going through the calm phase of the cycle. So just waiting for everything to explode again in a week or two. This is because he will get home from work and expect dinner.

i told him I’m not cooking his dinner for 8 weeks because he gets drunk and doesn’t come home to eat it. But then when he does come home he wants dinner. I said it’s not okay to treat me like that. We have been here before. He will yell and rant that I’m not doing my bit as a house wife. And that coming home the next morning is fine and not a problem. Etc etc. every time I put in a boundary he pushes it and makes is VERY hard to keep.

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

white knight — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 05:12:09 GMT

Hi Ktown

This is where counselling is, well, really needed and if he didnt go then go alone. Reason being is clarity, you need to clarify your options even if its well into the future they are needed.

I knew a lady that didnt know when her hubby would get home as he left the pub at different times, he's walk in a ask where his dinner was. She always had his ready to put into the micro wave.

Other than that I think the answers you seek, the changes that are required are on him and counselling is the only help you will get unfortunately. Certainly the "role" of a "homemaker" if the other is working is to provide meals, clean the house and take the kids to school and so on but I sense clearly that he shows disrespect and when most adults are shown that fireworks is the result. So along with his drinking in excess issue is the loss of respect. Hence the need for counselling.

I hope it goes well. I'm here nearly daily so reply anytime.

TonyWK

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

KTOWN — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 06:55:57 GMT

Thanks for the response TonyWK

I also work. I am not just a home maker. I work school hours, mow the lawn, whipper snip, blow down outside, organise cars to be serviced and repaired, blow down outside, do all the inside work. I do all the kid's activities, schooling etc. Take the kids to all their events.

Cooking my husband, a meal when he doesn't come home to eat it, is not treating me with respect and I don't believe my children should grow up thinking that's how to treat someone or be treated.

If my husband is not working, he cooks dinner however the only problem with that is he is often not home to cook dinner or too hungover. And he begrudgingly cooks dinner. He prefers to go to work, get drunk, go fishing and do nothing at home.

As you can tell I am extremely frustrated from carrying the bulk of the load. I am truly blessed that he has an amazing job but he does not feel blessed. He complains about his job, his home life, the kids etc.

I could type of hours just getting frustrated.

If I had sex with him and did all the jobs in the house and took care of the kids, he would be happy. Problem is I feel resentful, sick disgusted by the situation.

No one talks about sex with an alcoholic.

I am at a loss.

My life is so hard to plan because everything is an up hill battle.

I have to take a day at a time. The is no future planning because my husband is all over the place.

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

KTOWN — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 06:57:04 GMT

I have also tried Counselling with him. He went to one or two sessions and stopped turning up.

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

white knight — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 07:46:53 GMT

Hi Ktown

Thanks for replying. Often, indeed all the time we get a more full idea of the situation as posts go by. The fact that you work also results in you doing two full time jobs and he one. He has raised the bar to high IMO.

Have you considered separation, what would you think your life would be like if that happened? Increasingly it seems a no win situation. My last GF was an alcoholic and I knew in the end there was not much chance of her turning it around. I should have ended it 3-4 years earlier. Easy to say, but your situation might be much harder to come to any conclusion.

TonyWK

Have you considered s

Re: Hi KTOWN, Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you f...

KTOWN — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 22:14:33 GMT

I have thought about separation however live in a town where rent is like a $1,000 a week minimum. We live in a company house rent and utilities free. He has an amazing job!

my parents live on the other side of the country. No family in town either. A very common situation where we live.

hence why I decided that having my own room was the option. I now get told his “needs” are not being met. Not all the time but sporadically. Or he will go without alcohol 7 days and be like see “I’m not an alcoholic, let’s have sex” and then go have a massive bender or go back to drinking within hours.

Also who knows what he drinks that I don’t know about. I’m not an FBI agent so I stopped counting and trying to finding his drinks a long time ago.

The kids love him and I said they should love him, he is their Dad. We pray for him regularly.

as you can see I’m angry and at a loss.

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

therising — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 22:29:26 GMT

Hi KTOWN

I feel for you so much and for your kids. I don't think alcoholics feel the gravity of the impact their drinking has on family members. While we can be feeling how extreme intolerance, incredible resentment, overwhelming frustration and more feels, they can be feeling a sense of peace, relaxation, the carefree feeling that can come with thoughtlessness (thinking/problem solving can be stressful at times) etc.

While my husband's not a major drinker, he is a daily drinker. After work he'll have about 7 cans of beer and on the weekend drinking starts around midday, so more cans. He's currently on holidays and it's definitely challenging at times. As a 53yo gal who's an ex drinker, I can relate to why he drinks and why a majority of people drink to large degrees (besides the addictive nature being a factor). It tends to be about emotional regulation, drinking to feel how you want to feel, as opposed to developing feelings naturally through emotional skill development, management and growing consciousness. For example, a non drinker who experiences stress may have to become conscious of new ways of breathing to calm their nervous system. A drinker simply drinks to calm their nervous system. Easy, but not for the people around them who are left to manage the stress alone. Life with a drinker can be a lonely one.

As you know, so many challenges. Some include having to manage important discussions before they start drinking (so they can remember them), managing being the only driver in the family after a certain time, knowing how to calm or shut down conversations when alcohol leads them to get out of control, having to parent the kids alone when the other parent is mentally and emotionally absent, developing self discipline in leaving them alone (so as not to trigger them) when you really need them to help you through a challenge and the list goes on.

While my kids are now 21 (girl) and 18 (boy), they're old enough and articulate enough to be able to verbalise the impact of mine and their father's relationship. It's been stressful in a number of ways for them over the years, something I've sincerely apologised to them for in a number of different ways. They've led be to become a highly conscious person. Not only have they felt their father's lack of input in their lives and his frustrating nature while he's been drinking but they've also felt my intolerance and anger towards him at times. I grew up in a house where emotional distance was normal between my parents and therefor never saw things as stressful for my kids. I imagine your kids will be feeling the stress of the relationship between you and your husband and maybe just not speaking about what they feel. Consider inviting them to speak about their feelings. Kids are major feelers, so it's important to help them manage their feelings while giving them the freedom to express themself in constructive ways.

My kids and I are far more focused on our tight knit highly functional little team these days, as opposed to the side effects of my husband's drinking. When this kind of thing happens, the odd person out (the alcoholic) will start to feel it. I can't help but wonder whether you've heard from your husband something along the lines of 'You're all against me! I really am a good guy and you all hate me'. The truth is it's not hate, it's intolerance (which can feel hateful at times when you've been trying to tolerate so much). Some form of relief tends to come from the distance we put between our self and the person who's nature we've been trying to manage and the independence we come to develop over time, through no choice of our own.

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

white knight — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 01:36:49 GMT

Hi therising

Wow, I wouldnt expect anything less than that post, to paint the picture so well of your dealings with alcoholism and how you tolerated it.

This opens up an alternative approach that Ktown might be able to implement. There is a foundation, a raft of positivity there eg his kids love him heaps, he occasionally tries so he can fill the void of missing sex and so forth.

Perhaps Ktown can tempt a comeback- make a deal with hubby that she'll return to the same bedroom in exchange for no alcohol on weekends- zero- zip? Then his reward is not only back to normal but when sober she is more approachable in that area?

What do you think Ktown?

TonyWK

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

KTOWN — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:37:09 GMT

Morning

I wish that would work, not drinking on weekends. I have tried those type of compromises. To which I do my part and he goes and drinks within hours. It is like he gets his dopamine hit from sex and then is happy for a bit and then tops that up with drinking.

He has currently stopped drinking for 3 days because he his words "he knows he needs to cut back" "he is not an alcoholic but knows he is not doing the right thing" "he is going to stop for 3 months but then start drinking again because alcoholics couldn't just stop for three months".

Some days I just wake up at a loss but then other days I feel like I am handling the situation well.

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

KTOWN — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:47:14 GMT

Thank you for this response.

Yes - I have heard all those comments from my husband before. Plus "no one respects me in this house!".

He thinks because he is the main bread winner and the man of the house he should be heard, and we must do what he says. Problem is he works massive days, drinks when he is home, recovering from a hangover or is away fishing. He is irritable when he is around, and the kids just think he is a drag.

My daughter has pulled away from him although my son adores him. And I have told me kids "he is your Dad and your only Dad and you should love him."

I live in a dysfunctional house where my husband tries to show affection, but I don't want him to touch me at all because of how he makes me feel. I feel used for sex, second best to his alcohol and tired from running the house alone and then fighting to keep this on par when he does want to help at home.

We essentially live two different lives under the one roof. It's a constant struggle and I just want my kids to know that this is not how life with a married person should be. I tell them the truth about my feelings, and we always talk about theirs, hence the questions from my son. My daughter is starting to turn off her feelings towards his Dad because she is embarrassed at school and with her friends.

My husband tells me that's my fault for "filling her head with rubbish".

At the moment even though I am continually in a hard situation, feeling let down and not being able to share my life with my husband my main guilt is I have not been able to provide my children with a sound and moral life.

I pray that one day they will grow to understand the situation, take the matter to God and have fruitful relationships.

Re: Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

therising — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 03:03:40 GMT

Hi KTOWN

Yes, that's a familiar one, 'No one respects me in this house'. While my daughter has learned to give herself the freedom to express how she feels toward her father at times, her response in the past has been 'Respect is not a given, it is earned'. What my kids say about their father is true, 'He's not a bad man, he's simply his own worst enemy'. While they love their father, they refuse to tolerate his nature at times, something they've come to manage with confidence as they've grown older.

If it helps to know, my daughter can fully relate to what a deeply loving, caring and highly conscious relationship looks like, sounds like and feels like. She and her partner celebrated 2 years together just last week. I have to say this young man who's come into our lives is one of the most incredible guys I've ever come to know. He's been raised by his father to be an amazing, conscious, deeply feeling, emotionally mature, thoughtful and driven person. He raises my daughter in incredible ways when it comes to her finding the best in herself. With her partner, she experiences a very healthy and happy relationship. In her wisdom, she advises me of what I should not be tolerating in my own relationship. Her words to me, and maybe you can relate in some ways, are 'While Dad is a reliable financial provider and he's someone who is loyal and does not inflict any physical harm on his family, you accept a low bar for yourself'. I think spending years not wanting to rock the boat, for fear of struggling financially to raise the kids on my own, I dis-appointed my husband from all the appointments or roles I'd wished he'd accepted. One after the other, until there were just a few basic ones left. Only in hindsight, at times, can we see how the depressing dis-appointment process plays out. At the same time, you get to see all the ways you've risen to meet the appointed roles you gave yourself, in order to make up for certain things.

Alcohol's a terrible thing, the way it robs a person of various forms of consciousness, the ability to develop skills and the chance to love deeply in many ways (especially amongst challenges). When I look back on the days of being somewhat of a drinker, it robbed me of the times I could have met with the sage in me for good advice or some form of soulful divine guidance. It took away my ability to feel full responsibility, my ability to naturally master emotional regulation, my ability to develop the best in myself and so much more. It can be a horrible mind altering thing that's accepted and normalised in our society. As it lines the bottle shop shelves in many forms, with many different tastes and colours, the old saying 'Pick your poison' can sum up just how toxic it can be for a family.