topic Missing Daughter in Relationship and family issues

Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Thu, 30 Nov 2023 14:15:50 GMT

Hi,

I got divorced from my wife in 2023. The marriage lasted fifteen years and I have a child with my ex-wife who is sixteen years old. In May of this year I took a vacation for five months back to England which is where I'm originally from. I wanted my daughter to come with me but she said she had exams so I went alone.

I sent several messages to my daughter while I was in England and the last I heard from her was in June via text message. Since returning to Australia in September I've tried to make contact with my daughter via text and phone many times, all to no avail.

Today I decided to go and see her, she lives with her mother who I no longer have any communications with as she is now onto her third marriage and has told me she wishes to have nothing to do with me. Despite this I called round to her house. I was shocked to discover

the house had been sold very recently and the new occupants do not have any forwarding address.

Please can someone tell me what I can do?, I'm worried sick because I don't know where my daughter is. There's no history of abuse or violence in the family, however my wife was diagnosed with traits of BPD.

Also as a side note my wife ceased encouraging my daughter to see me when she met her new partner on the internet back in 2019, he's also from England. I also suspect that since this

time my wife has quietly alienated me from my daughter as I have seen less and less of her.

Please Help.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Thu, 30 Nov 2023 23:13:00 GMT

I got divorced in 2019 not 2023.

Re: Missing Daughter

tranzcrybe — Fri, 01 Dec 2023 04:12:17 GMT

I see two options here:

1. If you are sure the phone is still in possession of your daughter (voicemail message 'personalised') then it would appear there is no desire from her to communicate at this juncture, sadly for you. But one shouldn't jump to conclusions as there may be other reasons.
You might need to reach out to your ex to make peace on this front to help open a line of communication with daughter (and ex) for the greater good. Even if ex is the 'middle man' in contact, at least it's better than none at all.

2. Depending on what arrangements were made in your divorce (custody, visitation), you may be able to legally obtain this information by speaking with your lawyer, but too many attempts to contact daughter may have an adverse reaction, so accepting she has your number as needed will place the onus on her to engage at her own discretion.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Fri, 01 Dec 2023 04:46:19 GMT

I contacted the school today and the team leader said they had me down as emergency contact. He said he would get my daughter to call me back. An hour later I had no call back so I phoned again and the team leader told me he had been in contact with the mother who told him my daughter or the mother wish to have contact with me.

As you can imagine I'm very upset and devastated. For four years I have tried reaching out to my daughter to start some sort of relationship. I've kept her room exactly as it was in 2019 in hope she would eventually want to start seeing me again. I sent this final text to her:

'I'm sorry I called you at school, I had no option to find out you're ok. I told you don't wish to have anything to do with me. I only have one question why?. I dont know what I've done to deserve this but I will grant your wish and will not contact you again. I will always love you as I always have done from the day I held you for the first time in hospital, nothing will take that from me. I hope you have everything you want out of like. Love Always, Dad x'

The whole reason I have stayed in Australia is to be here for my Daughter when or if she ever needs me. She has never told me directly that via phone or text message that she has never wanted to see me, so hearing it now from some stranger at school has set me back huge step emotionally. I have no friends or family here in Australia and am completely alone. I'm not in a relationship and have no support network other than my doctors who treat my MDD.

My ex-wife incidentally cheated on me so we separated. In a short space of time she met someone else on the internet, again from England and he has done exactly what I did, move here and marry her. Hearing that news didn't really concern me so long as my daughter was safe.

Where to now?.

Re: Missing Daughter

tranzcrybe — Sat, 02 Dec 2023 06:20:27 GMT

That's sad news, as is being punished for past conflict and mistakes through the mind of your daughter. No one deserves that and the dissolution of family weighs heavily on everyone regardless of reason.

However, this trauma (or expectation?) may be too much to handle for daughter at her age amid the added stresses of senior school, mother's own input, divided loyalties. and just making sense of the world around her.

In doing what's best for daughter in acknowledging how she may feel right now (without overlaying your desires), you will be providing breathing space and reassurance that your door will always be open.

Forging ahead with your own life (clearing out dependencies such as maintaining daughter's room, for instance) should ease some of the pressures and tension currently being held onto so tightly.

What is now does not mean forever as people grow and attitudes change with maturity. Daughter will find her own understanding in time.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Sat, 02 Dec 2023 21:33:29 GMT

Hi tranzcrybe,

Thanks for replying to my thread. I did try reaching out to my ex-wife aswell as suggested. Here is the message I sent without any response:

Hi ****, I'm really sorry for contacting you. Firstly I do not wish to cause any trouble for you or your new husband, I can only wish you all the best for the future. As you know I tried contacting the school today because I and my family had not heard from Isabel since May of this year despite sending dozens of text messages.. As you can imagine I was a little shocked when I went round to Mulberry pass to see her and discover that you had moved. I am also very confused & upset why Isabel doesn't wish to have contact with me. As you know I have never insisted on Isabel seeing me as I felt that may push her away. However I know you are a good mother and that's why I'm hoping we can put aside any differences we have had and you can find it within your heart to speak to Isabel and let her know how much I love her and how important it is for her to have at least some communication with her father. As you know I have been a good dad to her and I miss her greatly, I wish for nothing more than to have a simple line of communication of how she is getting on in life, no manipulation or influence and nothing more nothing less. - Best wishes, Sam.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Sat, 02 Dec 2023 21:44:31 GMT

This message was received from my Daughter a day later:

I’m safe and happy, thank you for responding my decision.

My Final Response:

I’m sorry but I have to ask why you feel you don’t want any contact from me, after all I’m your Dad. I could understand if I had been violent or abusive towards you but I never have, ever. Is it because you don’t like my smoking or I smell?, I don’t know?. The very least I deserve is a reason. Please please please don’t ghost me, tell me so I could maybe make things right between us.

Im very heartbroken, but if that is your decision then I wont contact you again.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Sat, 02 Dec 2023 22:02:12 GMT

I really appreciate your advice tranzcrybe. I realise my emotions are probably clouding alot of my judgement at the moment so any insight is most welcome and appreciated at this difficult time for me.

Re: Missing Daughter

tranzcrybe — Sun, 03 Dec 2023 05:46:42 GMT

Hi Sam,

It's encouraging that you have heard from daughter, if only to confirm she is coping well - small steps, huh?
But it sounds like there is still a lot of hurt from the breakup where simply nailing it down to any one personal fault would be hard to express.

I guess the basic reason might not be personal at all (and self recriminations aren't particularly helpful). Perhaps reconnecting would only complicate things in raising unresolved emotions. Again, a lot of pressure for the innocent child at this stage of her life as it appears she has settled into the new normal for now.

Keep in touch with a birthday card/brief message to let her know you care, and only focus on her wellbeing - if you can resist how torn up inside you feel.

When you have found acceptance and become more grounded, trepidation might lessen to begin to patch things up... or not, as nothing should be presumed here.

Your reaching out to ex was sensitively put and heartfelt.

Maintaining civil communication is key to finding a middle ground here, and recognising you both want the best for daughter has yielded a favourable outcome.

Patience in the passage of time, and respecting your ex as a necessary intermediary, demonstrates a willingness to move on while working together for the welfare of your daughter.

Re: Missing Daughter

Sam71 — Sun, 03 Dec 2023 21:39:18 GMT

Thanks for your advice Tranzcrybe. I will digest the information and try and keep myself occupied. I wish I could be like others sometimes, able to turn off and not think.