topic Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me in Relationship and family issues

Cousins want to live and reflect their identities through me

Albert_247 — Sun, 29 Oct 2023 11:31:28 GMT

1) They impose their politics and secular beliefs onto me and they don't respect that I disagree, they try to tell me to support and encourage the LGBTQ when I don't have to, I don't have to be their individuality & beliefs

2) Their only interested in themselves and their own opinions on music or anything in general

3) They make you feel stupid but they themselves wouldn't want to be made to feel that way, They always want to feel smarter then myself, my mother and my brother

4) They question your decisions and they think you need their approval for what you can do, live like or watch, but they only come in our lives once a decade or less and feel that they can critique us

5) Their very material & superficial, they think life comes easy because their father has given them a fantastic life and pays for all their needs

Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Mon, 23 Oct 2023 07:57:27 GMT

I only see them very rarely and it's only like once a decade or even less thankfully, but they try to make you feel you lack good creativity because you don't share their personal taste on music and fashion, they try to conform you into their politics and beliefs, they mock your religion and loath it. They are gate keepers with always being the better intelligence, Hypocritically if they don't know something you have to inform them, but if it's ourselves we have to Google everything and be made to feel or told were rather stupid. One of them is the ring leader and conforms his identity with his sister & mother. His genuinely 30 and achieved nothing besides a regretted diploma, his a pretentious materialistic snob, He holds grudges and gets pissy/moody and hates the world, They think it's a one way with them making the rules to not want to know us, but their snowflakes and couldn't handle the thought of it being a mutual preference. They try to deny any belief you have that are conspiracy and out of the mainstream thinking, They ignore your texts messages but are over motivated to talk about themselves, They give off this modern atmosphere that feels negative, bias & cold.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Croix — Mon, 23 Oct 2023 11:49:30 GMT

Dear Albert_247~

Your cousins sound most unpleasant people, very opinionated and lacking the courtesy of respecting other's views.

I've found it's not much good giving reasoned arguments backed by facts to change their opinions or the way they regard others. This does not leave much room for getting on amicably.

Is there any particular reason you have to associate with them - even if it is infrequently? When I've been in similar situations I've just avoided those sorts of people entirely.

So what do you think?

Croix

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Mon, 23 Oct 2023 12:48:08 GMT

Well I haven't seen them since I was 21 and now I'm 28, but considering my grandma is 99 and if anything happens eventually I might have to see them at a funeral, my cousins mother normally texts my mother everyday but my mum is smarter then me and doesn't give her genuine feelings to her sister because then she could be treated as stupid, crazy or resented, and who knows how long she would ignore my mum. Once my mum was at her sisters house and she told my mum I have to go out and do some quick errands or such and she virtually left her sitting by herself for 2 hours in the kitchen, meanwhile the daughter which is one my cousins never offered my mother any hospitality or drink or included her, She felt un welcomed, The ring leader which is the brother of that cousin has asked me personal questions wither I get along with my family, trying to make it normalized if were to be dysfunctional, when it isn't that way. If you say anything to him negatively he just holds grudges and makes you out to be a monster. His common saying is it's basic thermal dynamics and he try's to have this supreme philosophy and opinion with anything. Their rude because they ignore your texts but make you seem are you ok if you don't instantly respond to their own messages

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Croix — Mon, 23 Oct 2023 13:06:02 GMT

Dear Albert_247~

Wow, 99! Is your grandma someone you are close to? I hope you get the chance ot be with her from time ot time.

Your mum sounds as if she has one way of dealing wiht her sister, and I guess it works, though it is a real pity they cannot come ot an affectionate and considerate relationship with her. thay must cause her distress.

The fact you have managed ot avoid your cousins for seven years sounds very sensible, and if you do meet at a funeral it is only for a fleeting time then afterwards you hopefully you can ignore them again.

Croix

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Wed, 25 Oct 2023 11:04:36 GMT

I have nothing against my Grandma despite she made a unfair choice by giving everything to one of her son's and forgetting about her other kids and her grand children, but other then that she's a very loving person, I have the option to see her, I've been before but it's just not the best experience she has dementia and she thinks I'm still going to high school when I graduated in 2013.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Croix — Wed, 25 Oct 2023 11:41:16 GMT

Dear Albert_247~

That is a very generous attitude to forgive that unfair allocation. I'm not surprised it is a hard thing to visit her as loving or not dementia is such a sad thing. It sounds as if it has reached the stage where one cannot realy be in touch as she is in another world.

I don't know, maybe your presence, even if wrongly perceived, may give her some comfort, however I guess you do have to balance that possibility against the certain upset it will do to you.

To see someone whom you have regarded with love fall into such a condition is most upsetting, the person you knew having disappeared.

Croix

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

therising — Wed, 25 Oct 2023 18:59:36 GMT

Hi Albert

I read an interesting article yesterday which was quite a perception shifter. It was along the lines of 'Be curious, not judgemental'. Must admit I've been developing the habit of wondering more about people these days, being curious. I found this is something that helps serve mental wellbeing.

One of my trigger phrases uttered by people is 'That's a load of rubbish', when they're poo pooing something I've said. I can feel rage shoot right up through me. I let my rage bypass my mouth (usually) and go up to my mind. In my mind I begin to wonder what leads them to proclaim it's a load of rubbish and often what comes to mind is 'They're closed minded. Their mind is firmly closed around their own opinions/beliefs'. Questions typically follow. Do I want to open their mind? Is what I've said simply a passing comment that's not worth going into? Is expanding on it worth the time? Is my 'rubbish' going to lead them to a constructive sense of wonder that may serve them in some way? Do I need to rephrase what I've said, so they can better relate to it?

If we're sensitive enough we'll be able to sense or feel what's questionable. It's like if you can feel what being left alone for 2 hours feels like, you'd question why someone would do that to another person. If you can feel what a shut down feels like, you can't help but question why someone would enjoy brutally shutting a person down and so on. Pays to wonder sometimes.

I've found when it comes to people making fun of me, I've come to make some fun for myself. It used to really bring me down when people would make fun of my beliefs, when they'd find my beliefs and what I love laughable. These days I tend to mess with such people, have a bit of fun. Keep in mind, I'm regarded as a bit of a 'woo woo' kind of gal. While I have a member of my family that makes fun of a lot of my spiritual beliefs, I can recall one time stopping them mid sentence when they were being insulting and saying 'Hang on a sec, something's coming through. I'm being told you're a degrading person with a closed mind and I'm to stop listening to you'😅. While saying this with a straight face, I laughed at their overreaction as they took me seriously. Of course, you don't need to be psychic to know when someone's being degrading, closed minded and they're not worth listening to. With that person also being inclined to make fun of my sensitivity, I added 'Just think, if you were as sensitive as me you would have sensed I was having a lend of you'. Learning to make some fun can be a great self esteem booster.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Thu, 26 Oct 2023 09:37:43 GMT

I understand that too therising too, I've tried making fun of myself at times and it only makes the bullies believe in themselves more, I am avoidant of anyone who want take me for my differences, That's become a red flag obvious to me, I won't talk about anything like politics but I mean more if they laugh at the video games I play or for my music or appearance I'm not having that anymore. As I'm reaching my 30's getting sick of adolescent immaturity and when thinking of the 1950's people usually left that stuff when they left high school, feels like it's a value with Gen Z. Yeah I say that people are very much hindering other people from being confident, honest and authentic, they take disagreement personally and to offense, I truthfully believe the world has become more degenerate and superficial since leaving the 2000's era, I'd say it started getting worse in the 2012 period in a lot of different ways.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Thu, 26 Oct 2023 09:39:43 GMT

I mean we had no hostility towards my grandma it's just we saw her growing up a lot and she was always loving, but it's disappointing that she gave everything to her son and forget about her daughters ideals and grand children's inheritance. We can't have a conversation anymore she talks to me in Spanish but I only speak English and she also thinks I'm still going to high school, She's lost since the last decade unfortunately.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

therising — Thu, 26 Oct 2023 18:13:44 GMT

Hi Albert

'I've got better things to do with my time than listen to degrading depressing people' is very healthy mantra to have in my opinion. Those types of people really can bring us down. You can just feel the downshift. Some people really do leave me wondering sometimes, especially those people who appear to take joy in being like that.

I think in certain cases it can be related to a lack of self discipline. People just seem to give themself the freedom to say pretty much anything they want these days. Instead of disciplining themselves into getting a better sense of how others feel, it's easier to just take the reigns off and proclaim the right to 'freedom of speech'. Some people will proclaim their right to say and do whatever they want while declaring everyone who gets offended as 'soft'. As certain members of each generation pass on some distorted idea of freedom of speech and 'Don't worry about the soft people' more people suffer.

I'm counting on the sensitive people to turn that around. I think there are more and more sensitive people coming to life these days, starting to balance things out. I feel this way based on a lot of what I follow online and it's also based on the kinds of people my son and daughter get around with. So many kind, thoughtful, intuitive deeply feeling people. When I look at the growing number of people in the world experiencing depression and anxiety, they are a part of a world that is becoming more sensitive. I just wish they didn't have to sense so much of what's depressing and anxiety inducing. I wish, instead, they could confidently sense what they shouldn't be tolerating and I wish they were all in a position to rebel against that. Sadly, in a lot of cases there's no room for rebellion, only tolerating what's depressing and anxiety inducing. This breaks my heart. In the young, these things can include a ridiculously outdated depressing and anxiety inducing secondary education system that not even some teachers can tolerate, brutal people to contend with outside of the classroom, a home life that is so lacking in inspiration, encouragement and support. As for us older ones, it can involve a highly questionable government, enraging levels of call waiting, self entitled drivers on the road who feel entitled to drive any way they want and the list goes on. I figure, if you want to know what's wrong with this world ask a sensitive person. They have the ability to sense all that's wrong. If there was a sudden uprising of all who are sensitive and freedom of speech along with protest was managed thoughtfully, the world would become a truly amazing place.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 04:34:37 GMT

I have always been a very sensitive person, I feel like I'm getting into too many modern day conflicts with people, So that's why I was just about to post something about how I genuinely feel the world in general but especially younger generations have became more degenerate. It seems like people have greater audacity these days, No one can agree to disagree without getting so offended, People are divided and the more conservative someone believes the more quiet they are today and stay with themselves. Even with YouTube reply's I give back a opinion and it's always feeling how they demean your intelligence, the next person always has to win against me, I thought this was only a adolescent high school experience. I just hate the feeling of always being the victim in silence, being oppressed with confidence and therefore losing identity or esteem to try anything in life.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

therising — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 07:18:11 GMT

Hi Albert

Definitely a lot of angry people out there. We can make some innocent remark or say something with no ill intent and be attacked for it at times. Take 'The Voice' campaign here in Australia, for example. So many angry people ready to attack anyone who had an opinion that didn't match theirs. Sometimes we can witness the worst in human nature. I know a lot of people were passionate but when passion turns to rage, abuse and hatred there's something seriously wrong.

I find it interesting these days how hell bent so many people are on having some form of identity. I think while it's important that we come to identify our self in some constructive ways (as social creatures), some people will take it to the extreme. They'll fight with you and abuse you in order to assert their identity. The thing I find most interesting is some people like this are fighting to not be identified. Kinda like 'I do not want to be labeled, so call me this.... This is what we non labeled people are to be called (labeled as)'. It's almost like identity has become an obsession.

I think this is why I like the more soulful take on life. It's a bit like 'I am not this colour or race, I am me. I am not this gender or that, I am me. I am not this age based on some measurement in time, I am simply me' and on it goes. Of course, I'm a realist. I don't deny my age, race, gender etc when relevant in relating to it through some form I have to complete or when visiting the doctor for female related stuff for example. I am simply happy being me (most of the time) no matter how anyone chooses to identify me. This is something I found when I came out of long term depression of about 15 years. In me identifying myself in all the wrong ways which were depressing, when I came out of that depression I thought 'Who am I without all those beliefs and labels that led me to feel so down?'. While I had no idea who I was (as my consciousness suddenly shifted), what I did discovered was...

No matter how my identify shifts throughout my life or how much it shifts, I will always be me, no matter what. That will never change.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 10:44:45 GMT

Thanks for your message therising, I hope your depression is fully gone, I feel guilty that the world makes certain genders or ethnics feel less, I won't rant about a lot of things that I dislike about the world since after 2011, Only because it gets a bit too negative and obvious, hearing it too much and we can't change the way the peoples or mainstream society's act and think these days, we can only feel older and like fewer people. Just best to keep positive, Shocking how in real life people don't come across as big hearted, but on forums like these it's a lot more personal and meaningful. I like identity with fashion and music, I may have my leaning political beliefs but I think politics is as upsetting as the reality of money. I try to be soulful with just keeping to myself and keeping frugal, and telling myself certain things are superficial. Just have to spend most of your waking hours trying to do the things you love while were living and hopefully young, try not to procrastinate and forget anyone from the past that you didn't like, I've been trying that myself. I don't think all men are bad, maybe it's biological chemistry different interpretations, but I prefer the idea of religious men, just more loving, if their not that crazy types.

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Albert_247 — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 10:49:18 GMT

Sorry if the answer was a little different or odd, I've posted so many things these past few weeks, I lost knowing how to express myself and to reply, but best to keep to the fullest experience!

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

Croix — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 11:46:51 GMT

Dear Albert_247~

You answer was not odd in the least, coming to terms wiht the fact many are self-opinionated, rude and unkind is a hard thing to do. I guess we all wish the world was a better and more equitable place.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed by what one sees, however belief in oneself, dignity and kindness are the only answer I know. To lead by example is the surest way of increacing the positives in the world, not arguing with those who have their minds made up or concentrate on trivialities, best left to themselves.

You are right about this Forum, it has very many who have been through hard times and as a result are non-judgmental and wish to ease others though their hard times too.

I hope you continue to find it a place where you can be yourself.

Croix

Re: Can't stand my narcissistic cousins! They really irritate me

therising — Sat, 28 Oct 2023 18:45:51 GMT

Hi Albert

Long term depression is long gone for me, for which I am deeply grateful. That period ended about 18 years ago. Since then it's been more so about periods in depression and there's been good reason for every one of them. I've learned something new about myself through each challenge as some new facet of me has come to life each time. It kind of feels like gradually coming to life or waking up (parts of myself) bit by bit.

There are definitely a lot of amazing, beautiful, caring, deeply feeling people here on the forums. There's a freedom here that we all give each other when it comes to our sensitivity. We're free to express how we're sensing life, sensing the challenges in it, sensing our emotions, our inner dialogue, our triggers and more when it comes to the struggles we sense as sensitive people. Here, there's the ability to make greater sense of what we sense. There's the chance to work it out without people saying stuff like 'You're too negative' or 'You just need to get on with life' or 'You're way too sensitive, you need to toughen up'.

I can relate to music, clothes and faith as being a part of me. We can be an expression of our self through such things. Through these things we can express and experience our soulful nature.

Re: Cousins want to live and reflect their identities through me

white knight — Mon, 30 Oct 2023 01:56:02 GMT

Hi again

Blood family doesnt mean close compatible realtionships. Can I compare your cousins to my niece?

At 14yo she ran away from home to join a cult. At that age the police said she is old enough to make such choices. At 18yo I bought her a car and loved her a lot. But that cult was judgmental and the moment I didnt agree with their methods I was banned and lost my niece in the process. Religion and other beliefs can do that.

You might need to move on. They wont change and its their right to believe what they want. You said you dont have a lot of connection with them, every 10 years they come along. In that case make new "family" with close friends. Thats what I have done. You have the same rights, the right to choose who you want in your life.

TonyWK

Re: Cousins want to live and reflect their identities through me

Albert_247 — Mon, 30 Oct 2023 13:28:15 GMT

Sorry to hear about your niece white knight, I know there is extremes with some religious peoples, but I just hold my beliefs and keep it conversational with anyone that shares those same beliefs, I keep it more personal in my life and just find the internet to relate with, I just hate having my cousins telling me I'm brainwashed or anything. I don't stand how they just don't accept everyone's got their own difference. But it's worse when your told like for everything even outside of religion when it feels like their pushing their identity on us, My mum has to keep talking to her sister through texting, but I just wish we didn't have to talk with them at all.

Re: Cousins want to live and reflect their identities through me

white knight — Wed, 29 Nov 2023 00:21:18 GMT

With relationships we all have our own field. Some want to keep communication going, some dont. In this case it is not a position you hold that can demand that someone else not have a relationship with their friend or relative, you and your mother arent one, you arent joined at the hip Albert. It might be that your home environment has been a close one when it comes to dealing with others, however, in that case you could do yourself a favour by acknowledging yourself as an individual with certain rights and obligations. One obligation to yourself is self care mentally and so your decision to cut off people is a personal one not a family one. Allow your mother to continue her texting and say to yourself- thats her decision. Same if she put pressure upon you about maintaining contact, listen to their reasons then make your own decision.

Some people are forceful, they like to dominate, stand on a soap box with their cousins to maintain some sort of control. That attitude isnt sustainable, eventually they lose people. But that doesnt mean they are like that with everyone.

TonyWK