topic Re: What now? in Relationship and family issues

What now?

Gossamerose — Thu, 09 Nov 2023 21:55:05 GMT

I've had to deal with a lot in my marriage and now I feel like it's all to much!

I'm a quiet introvert and I avoid confrontation at any cost and I'm not sure if I'm thinking straight.

My hubby went to work wearing design underware and came home wearing a different pair. Then hid the design pair in the kids bathroom.

I noticed he took the spare pair with him that morning and thought it strange so I paid attention when he arrived home that evening.

Yes I did ask him and he said (Quote: II could have changed because of diarrhoea or something.

Then proceeded to tell me I was imagining things.

I don't trust him any more, what do others think?

Re: What now?

white knight — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 01:44:36 GMT

hi welcome

I understand your concern. However, you are dealing with your marriage which has history of issues.

What you really need is far more concrete evidence towards any wrong doing. What his actions suggest is quite feasible and the hiding of his clothing in the kids bathroom could be embarrassment.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

Re: What now?

Skary Bill — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 01:48:25 GMT

Hello Gossamerose,

I think our brains fill the gaps in our knowledge with terrible ideas. I don't know why,but it is just easier to assume the worst, and we all do. Don't let yourself stew in that state for too long, your fears will just amplify with time.
Maybe there's some innocent answer.. Maybe the truth will be far more challenging. But either way, you still need to know it to have any chance of repairing that trust.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to keep an open mind, but go and have an honest conversation with my partner and tell them how I feel and why. And that trust is on the line..

Just my 2c mate.. Wishing you the best.

Re: What now?

Carus — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 03:55:41 GMT

Hi Rose*

Sorry for your situation. Reading your thread tells to me why you feel the way you do about my situation. I still appreciate your thoughts though*

The first sentence of your thread tells me that you've already been on a rocky path in your marriage for some time...Sorry to hear that. It's stressful for sure.....And similar to me, the thought of dissolving the marriage is stressful again. So I empathise with you there*

I agree with Skary that perhaps an (uncomfortable) discussion will have to take place. However, IF there is something going on, he's just gonna deny it anyway.

As White Knight suggested, you'll probably need some more concrete evidence. However I would hate to see you drive yourself into a hyper vigilant hole chasing that evidence. I had a client once who did that and I honestly don't think his wife was having an affair at all. So all he did was send himself around the bend.

I will say though that the underwear thing isn't a great sign*

I'm glad you are posting here for support so at least you know you are not alone*

Sending You Strength*
Regards

Carus*

Re: What now?

Gossamerose — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 22:51:36 GMT

Scary, thank you for your reply.

That's true about the brain assuming the worst, since then he has not shown any intimacy and I can feel he no longer cares. He works all day then goes out every night at his gym, not returning home until 9pm.

It's like I'm not even here.

On weekends he does things with mates.

He's never been "there" for me or the children ever. It's all about him and if it's not what he wants, he doesn't want to know.

When we go out as family he is constantly staring at other women when I'm sitting right beside him.

I found out recently that he has been unfaithful in our marriage at a time I thought all was great with us.

He refused to call and ambulance for me when i had covid and was choking, i spent all night gasping for every breath ( i was so scared). He put me on an air mattress in the spare room so he could be comfortable in the main bed.

I had to call my daughter to get me some medicine the folloing morning.

This is just a few things and just recently, there is muh more over 22years.

Anyway I could go on and on.

I appreciate your reply.

Re: What now?

Skary Bill — Sat, 11 Nov 2023 00:14:11 GMT

Yeah, wow. There's been a bit of water under that bridge huh. That sounds tough mate.

Do you have an ideal outcome in mind? Any goals or dreams? And also do you have your own phone?

Re: What now?

Gossamerose — Mon, 13 Nov 2023 00:04:23 GMT

SB, yes I just want out and off the rollercoaster.

I am a fraction of the person I used to be and dealing with this every day is killing me literally.

But as every house wife in my situation can relate, no income to do anything! I'm trapped.

And yes I've spoken to people in my area and there is no help.

I've slept in my car trying to get out before because there is no resources in my area for women like me.

He found me and trapped my car in so i couldnt leave.

I pray every day that I would die. I think my wishes have been heard as my health is deteriorating quickly.

I put On a brave face for my kids and people I see but I'm so very sad.

I have tried to take my life a couple of times, the last time I almost succeeded (enabled by hubby) and scared myself so much I'm not going to try that again.

am alone, no Siblings or parents just me.

Yes I have my own phone.

I'm so sorry to go on, but I have no one to talk to.

Hi Gossamerose, We thank you for taking the time to sha...

Sophie_M — Mon, 13 Nov 2023 00:24:53 GMT

Hi Gossamerose,

We thank you for taking the time to share your story with our community here on the forums. We’re really sorry to hear what you’re going through and that you are feeling trapped in your relationship. We hope the amazing words from our community bring you some comfort. We're hearing that you are in need of support and stability during this difficult time and we wanted to reach out with some resources that could provide some more immediate support.

In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It could be useful to have a chat with them to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner, they are also able to provide some resources if you felt you felt like you may need a plan to leave if you were feeling unsafe or trapped. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. They offer free advice to families who may be experiencing difficulties. There’s also Parentline (who have a number for each state listed here). Please know that if you ever feel in immediate danger to contact 000.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here. We hope you can be as kind to yourself as you have been in sharing here, as it’s really important to look after yourself and reach out when you need to talk it through. Our counsellors are here for you, anytime you’d like to chat.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Re: What now?

Youll_float_too — Mon, 13 Nov 2023 14:10:19 GMT

If you had a loving, trusting marriage you wouldn't have to be suspicious of him changing underwear at work. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship, whether it be a partner, friend or relative, Without it the relationship is doomed. It can be lost in a second but take a lifetime to get back.

I was also in an abusive relationship with children involved and had no family or friends that could help me, the kids and I ended up staying in a share house for single mums til we finally got our own place, it hasn't been ideal and certainly not how I wanted our life to be but nothing is more toxic than staying in a bad relationship.

And honestly from what you've described your hubby sounds like a narcissistic womaniser who is trying to gaslight you and make you feel worthless to compensate for his own insecurities. You know what people like that hate? When you start treating them the same way they have treated you. They feel so hard done by, but had no problem at all treating you the same way.

Sorry if I have overstepped but take it from someone who's been in a couple of toxic relationships, you will feel better if you leave even if things have to not be so great at first, i.e share house, women's shelter.

Re: What now?

Gossamerose — Tue, 14 Nov 2023 22:54:59 GMT

Hello Youll_floatI_to,

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

If there were a woman's shelter near I would definitely go. Alas there is not.

I am so glad to hear that you got out that puts a smile on my face, thank you for sharing.

You are spot on with your diagnosis of hubby, and it's been difficult to say the least as people with those traits are very clever at twisting reality and confusing you with words leaving you completely confused and wondering if your over-reacting. But the result leaves you feeling so sad and insecure that I just retreat like a turtle back into my shell because it stops the constant barrage.

Then he turns a 360degrees and is the most amazing husband, attentive ,kind, loving, supportive. But I'm on edge just waiting for the change back to narcissistic, gasslighting him.

I can never relax and be happy that all is good because I end up getting really hurt because I've let my guard down.

My 2 kids have grown now and keep to themselves only 1 left at home.

I find it hard to do a lot due to pain from an illness. A result I'm sure from 23years of this.

I should have left when the kids were little, I would be well and free I'm absolutely positive. But I didn't ( not from lack of trying). He's just stronger mentally than me.

I love the saying by Anthony Robbins ' (when is now a good time to do it).

But I have the dilemma that it's so close to Christmas, do I ruin it for my family just because I'm struggling?

Re: What now?

Gossamerose — Fri, 09 Feb 2024 21:36:32 GMT

Update:

he can’t recall the reason for the change of underwear conveniently also said that secret messages to my friend was just being supportive at the time even though he never told me. I wondered why my friend just went cold towards me. Now I know.

anyway I ended up in homeless shelter for a couple of weeks then had no choice but to go back home because I couldn’t afford to stay out.

I told him I was only returning because I couldn’t afford to stay out. But since returning he is being disrespectful of my space ( I’m in a different room) and keeps grabbing me and forcing affection even though I don’t respond.

Im not inviting any affection just keep my distance, but he keeps getting more and more persistent. I don’t want to rock the boat so i don’t make a scene, I just don’t respond.

I have saved some money for bond on a place but the real estates won’t give me a chance.

its heart breaking I’m trapped and to make things worse my dr just told me I have a life threatening disability now.

Re: What now?

white knight — Sat, 10 Feb 2024 01:18:08 GMT

I've suggested this many times on this forum. Accommodation is a real problem ATM and no relief in sight. Have you considered- buying an old but roadworthy caravan preferably with ensuite but without is ok? Or renting a cabin in a caravan park.

At 40yo (I'm 68), my first marriage split saw me buy a $1100, 10ft caravan. I lived in that for 18 months while I built my own home. Yes, its a drop down in comfort but sitting at my dining table with my coffee looking out the window I found independence and safety. I kick started my life in that tiny van and I even had my kids on weekends lowering that table down for them to sleep. I'd watch the permanent residents there and talk to them, other men that had been there 10+ years and said to myself, I'm going places, I wont be here in 12 months time and indeed I wasnt, I bought land, erected a shed and put the van in that shed. Then built my home from there. That was my course, yours would be otherwise, but you would be alone and free.

My wife and I have total trust. We have been retired 11 years now and she is a gem. My previous relationships lasted 7,11,10 years so I've been through the grief a number of times. With suicide in the family, bipolar and possible autism recently discovered its amazing I'm still here, but I suppose its a case of falling down so low that I will fight and fight until I'm guaranteed survival. There's a wonder in making it, succeeding and looking back at ones struggles... my ex's one a narcissist using silence as a weapon and gaslighting, another a control freak would capitalise on my kind and giving nature to ruin us and harm. I won, I survived.

That marriage when I built my own home, my ex had taken over the old house and the mortgage, I got the shed lol and re-erected it on the land. I worked 3 jobs shift work to, and the child support skyrocketed but needed the money to buy materials. 12 months later, working day and night I finished my home and 2 weeks later got a letter from child support. She claimed she lived in a 110yo house (true) and I had a brand new one and "I should get more child support now". I was aghast. Her claim failed.

There is a certain level of achievement by making it. Be it a 10ft caravan, shared accommodation or a shed in someones back yard or describing your struggles here decades later. My pride of those struggles lifts my chin a little higher, no one can take that feeling away...

Love our chats.

TonyWK